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Just the odds and ends from the last part of the week.....and yes, I'll give you a cat:
You can stop now....
Me: “Good evening, <company na-“
SC: “<beep boop beep beep>”
Me: “Hello?”
SC: “<beep beep>”
Me: “Hello?”
SC: “<beep boop>”
Psst! You can stop dialing now. You’ve already succeeded. I know you’re completely unfamiliar with success in any aspect of your life but trust me this time you’ve actually achieved something. A very minor something. Something that millions of people effortlessly manage on a daily basis. But something none the less. You should rejoice. For once you’ve actually accomplished something. Pat yourself on the back and have an Oreo. You deserve it. Having successfully conquered "dialing a phone number" you can move on to something more challenging like "Dressing yourself" or "Learning how to wipe".
I Call Him Gamblor
....wait. I know you. You just ordered tickets from <other lottery account> less than a minute ago….what was it the posters at the Skytrain said? “Know you’re limit. Play within it.”? Not that I’m implying anything mind you. <cough>
There's a Reason for That
SC: “But you don’t have my address!”
Yes, you’re right. I don’t. Do you know why I don’t? Because I was just about to ask for it when you suddenly began a brutal 10 minute long interrogation of every draw date, cut off and prize we had available ( Of which we have over 1000 ) during which I desperately tried to tell you what I thought you wanted to hear just to make the hurting stop. So no, I don’t have your address yet. I don’t have your address because I was being waterboarded.
Fuck you. And your horse.
( This guy's trying to get a hold of a lawyer )
SC: “Isn’t <lawyer> back yet?!”
Me: “No, this is his after hours service.”
SC: “Well where is he?! Is he at the game?!” ( The hockey game )
Me: “I don’t know where he is.”
SC: “Isn’t the game over yet!?” ( The game ended about 4 hours ago )
Me: “I don’t know if he was at the game-“
SC: “Can’t you call him again!?”
Me: “We already passed your message to his wife. She said she’d have him call you when he gets in.”
SC: “Well can’t you call her again!?”
Me: “…no, we already pass-“
SC: “can you call her again!? Like every 15 minutes?”
Me: “What? No.”
Harass the wife of one of our clients all night, every 15 minutes, after midnight, just because some half-tanked slouching unibrowed man yeti goat molesting douchenozzle penis otter that got picked up for a DUI told me too? Of course! Why didn’t I think of that! ITS BRILLIANT!
No, I don't know what half that means either.
<Gasp>
Caller: “Hmm, ok, nevermind. Let me find out the details and call back. I don’t want to waste your time.”
……marry me?
Er..
Me: “Ok, so the power is off in your suite?”
SC: “Yes, there’s no lights! I’M SCARED OF THE DARK! SOMEONE GET ME A CANDLE!”
Me: “….”
You are likely to be eaten by a Grue.
Yay!
Me: “Ok, and by Visa or Mastercard?”
SC: “….hmm…ok, I’ll have to call you back. I seem to have lost my wallet.”
Once again I am the catalyst that leads to the misery of others.
Doh!
SC: “It’s me again, I found it!”
Curses! I’ll get you next time Gadget! Next time!
What?
( Wish I could name the line he was calling for the full impact. But lets just say its a staggeringly important government thing. )
SC: “Ok, I’m a lil drunk and I need your help…”
Always a promising start to a conversation. Sadly, he was slurring so badly I couldn’t figure out exactly what it was he needed my help with. It sounded something like “HELP ME GET THE MARMOSET NAKED” I think. He didn’t really specify why he wanted to strip search the wild kingdom or what it was even wearing cloths to begin with. But it did seem rather important.
!
Someone left a half finished bag of Hickory Sticks on top of the vending machine. When I first saw them I was like “HOLY FUCK YES! CHIPS!~!#”. But I quickly regained my composure.
!!
SC: “HOLY SMOKE! YOU’RE STILL UP?!”
Holy smoke! You are too!? Only difference is I’m being paid to stay up! You on the other hand are up of your own accord and are under the tragically mistaken impression that registering for some vapid seminar you saw on an infomercial at 3 in the morning is your ticket out to untold millions. Because that’s all that separates the common peasants from the multi-millionaire business moguls: Listening to some douchebag in a suit for 3 hours.
Bit of a Disconnect
If your going to name you’re business something as wannabe cool as “SHEER CHAOS X!~W#” you might want to make sure your own name is a bit cooler then “Stewart".
All shall...
Me: “Alright, I’ll page the on call for you”
SC: “Will they love me?!”
I don’t know, do you have the One Ring?
What the hell would that change?
SC: “Yeah, I’d like to rebook my flight-“
Me: “I’m sorry, this line is only for hotel rooms. I can’t help you with flights.”
SC: “Well the lady at Air Canada gave me this number for flights!”
Me: “We only book hotel rooms here, sorry.”
SC: “Well this is the number she gave me! I’m standing right in front of her! DO you want to talk to her?!”
…why? What possible good would that do? Does she have the power to alter reality or force me to spontaneous change occupations? Do you think all that separates you from flight bookings on this line is some secret code word that only an Air Canada rep knows? Hey! I have an idea! How about you stop acting like my 2 year old nephew and handle this situation like an adult! Wow, wouldn’t that be a concept! God, I hate you!
annnnddd days off.
You can stop now....
Me: “Good evening, <company na-“
SC: “<beep boop beep beep>”
Me: “Hello?”
SC: “<beep beep>”
Me: “Hello?”
SC: “<beep boop>”
Psst! You can stop dialing now. You’ve already succeeded. I know you’re completely unfamiliar with success in any aspect of your life but trust me this time you’ve actually achieved something. A very minor something. Something that millions of people effortlessly manage on a daily basis. But something none the less. You should rejoice. For once you’ve actually accomplished something. Pat yourself on the back and have an Oreo. You deserve it. Having successfully conquered "dialing a phone number" you can move on to something more challenging like "Dressing yourself" or "Learning how to wipe".
I Call Him Gamblor
....wait. I know you. You just ordered tickets from <other lottery account> less than a minute ago….what was it the posters at the Skytrain said? “Know you’re limit. Play within it.”? Not that I’m implying anything mind you. <cough>
There's a Reason for That
SC: “But you don’t have my address!”
Yes, you’re right. I don’t. Do you know why I don’t? Because I was just about to ask for it when you suddenly began a brutal 10 minute long interrogation of every draw date, cut off and prize we had available ( Of which we have over 1000 ) during which I desperately tried to tell you what I thought you wanted to hear just to make the hurting stop. So no, I don’t have your address yet. I don’t have your address because I was being waterboarded.
Fuck you. And your horse.
( This guy's trying to get a hold of a lawyer )
SC: “Isn’t <lawyer> back yet?!”
Me: “No, this is his after hours service.”
SC: “Well where is he?! Is he at the game?!” ( The hockey game )
Me: “I don’t know where he is.”
SC: “Isn’t the game over yet!?” ( The game ended about 4 hours ago )
Me: “I don’t know if he was at the game-“
SC: “Can’t you call him again!?”
Me: “We already passed your message to his wife. She said she’d have him call you when he gets in.”
SC: “Well can’t you call her again!?”
Me: “…no, we already pass-“
SC: “can you call her again!? Like every 15 minutes?”
Me: “What? No.”
Harass the wife of one of our clients all night, every 15 minutes, after midnight, just because some half-tanked slouching unibrowed man yeti goat molesting douchenozzle penis otter that got picked up for a DUI told me too? Of course! Why didn’t I think of that! ITS BRILLIANT!
No, I don't know what half that means either.
<Gasp>
Caller: “Hmm, ok, nevermind. Let me find out the details and call back. I don’t want to waste your time.”
……marry me?
Er..
Me: “Ok, so the power is off in your suite?”
SC: “Yes, there’s no lights! I’M SCARED OF THE DARK! SOMEONE GET ME A CANDLE!”
Me: “….”
You are likely to be eaten by a Grue.
Yay!
Me: “Ok, and by Visa or Mastercard?”
SC: “….hmm…ok, I’ll have to call you back. I seem to have lost my wallet.”
Once again I am the catalyst that leads to the misery of others.
Doh!
SC: “It’s me again, I found it!”
Curses! I’ll get you next time Gadget! Next time!
What?
( Wish I could name the line he was calling for the full impact. But lets just say its a staggeringly important government thing. )
SC: “Ok, I’m a lil drunk and I need your help…”
Always a promising start to a conversation. Sadly, he was slurring so badly I couldn’t figure out exactly what it was he needed my help with. It sounded something like “HELP ME GET THE MARMOSET NAKED” I think. He didn’t really specify why he wanted to strip search the wild kingdom or what it was even wearing cloths to begin with. But it did seem rather important.
!
Someone left a half finished bag of Hickory Sticks on top of the vending machine. When I first saw them I was like “HOLY FUCK YES! CHIPS!~!#”. But I quickly regained my composure.
!!
SC: “HOLY SMOKE! YOU’RE STILL UP?!”
Holy smoke! You are too!? Only difference is I’m being paid to stay up! You on the other hand are up of your own accord and are under the tragically mistaken impression that registering for some vapid seminar you saw on an infomercial at 3 in the morning is your ticket out to untold millions. Because that’s all that separates the common peasants from the multi-millionaire business moguls: Listening to some douchebag in a suit for 3 hours.
Bit of a Disconnect
If your going to name you’re business something as wannabe cool as “SHEER CHAOS X!~W#” you might want to make sure your own name is a bit cooler then “Stewart".
All shall...
Me: “Alright, I’ll page the on call for you”
SC: “Will they love me?!”
I don’t know, do you have the One Ring?
What the hell would that change?
SC: “Yeah, I’d like to rebook my flight-“
Me: “I’m sorry, this line is only for hotel rooms. I can’t help you with flights.”
SC: “Well the lady at Air Canada gave me this number for flights!”
Me: “We only book hotel rooms here, sorry.”
SC: “Well this is the number she gave me! I’m standing right in front of her! DO you want to talk to her?!”
…why? What possible good would that do? Does she have the power to alter reality or force me to spontaneous change occupations? Do you think all that separates you from flight bookings on this line is some secret code word that only an Air Canada rep knows? Hey! I have an idea! How about you stop acting like my 2 year old nephew and handle this situation like an adult! Wow, wouldn’t that be a concept! God, I hate you!
annnnddd days off.
A competitor! On guard! I challenge you to a dual!
Didn't we as a whole propose to you enough? You have your pick of the women on CS (and prob some of the men) 
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