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  • Wherein I make use of visual aids

    <twitch>




    867 - The Conspiracy

    Me: “Ok, and the ID number please?”
    SC: “It’s xxxx-xx”
    Me: “Ok, and what size would you like?”
    SC: “…..uh….do you need the ID?”
    Me: “…no, what size would you like?”

    Sometimes I wonder if I myself am not slowly becoming less intelligent as the constant exposure to you and your ilk’s limited mental capabilities wears down my own mind. I worry that someday I too might begin trying to order things by phone while holding the catalogue upside down and trying to lick my own ear while I talk. Perhaps all of my theories regarding why you and your kind ended up as you did are incorrect: Whether it be brain damage, head injuries, startlingly persistent inbreeding, paint huffing or just something in the water. Perhaps none of these is the correct answer.

    Perhaps it’s something else entirely. Something darker and more sinister. An elaborate conspiracy perpetrated by the customer service industry. Perhaps when you finally wear my brain down to an infantile level then I will be set upon as I sleep, bound, gagged and shipped to a nice little trailer home somewhere in Nunavut as a “retirement package.”. With nothing but a phone, a 6 pack, a catalogue and a TV that I need a butter knife to change the channel on.

    Perhaps Nunavut is not a bastion of stupidity as I once thought. Perhaps its where CSR’s go to die.



    Close Call

    SC: “Yes, my name is Wesley.”
    Me: “Ok-“
    SC: “That’s Wesley with a W”

    Whew, thanks, here I was reaching for X. Good thing you stopped me! You were almost Xesley.



    Dropping the Soap

    SC: “Yeah, I’m in jail and I need to talk to <lawyer>”
    Me: “Ok, let me-“
    SC: “How long do I have to staaaay heeeeere?!”

    Hopefully long enough for some large, sweaty man ape of a cell mate to repeatedly and vigorously redefine the term “cuddling” for you until the very sound of someone rolling over in a bunk bed makes you curl into a ball and bite the pillow out of reflex.



    Make Believe
    ( This guys calling for maintenance crew for his building..... )

    Me: “Ok, and what’s the address of the building?”
    SC: “What? Address?! I don’t care about that!”

    …well, I do. Or rather, the client does. So, I’m afraid you’re going to have to do what I have to do every time someone, such as yourself, calls me here: Take a deep breath, make sure there’s something suitably choke-able within arm’s reach, swallow the bitter bile of disgust that bubbles up in your throat and at least try to pretend you care.

    I’m very good at pretending.



    That's Not What I'm Here For

    Me: “Good evening, <my company>.”
    SC: “Uh, what is this?”
    Me: “This is <my company>.”
    SC: “What state is this?”
    Me: “This is Vancouver, BC. Canada.”
    SC: “um….uh…am I calling a place?”
    Me: “…yes, British Columbia, Canada.”
    SC: “Oh, what’s it like up there?”
    Me: “…..”
    SC: “…..”
    Me: “Ok, is there something I can help you with?”
    SC: “Uh….I dunno.”
    Me: “Ok, goodbye then! <click>”

    I am not paid to chitchat with you. Nor am I paid to indulge your intoxicated dribble wit conversation. Technically, I suppose you could say I am kind of being paid to entertain others by mocking your intoxicated dribble wit conversation. In which case, I suppose I should thank you for your patronage. I am nothing if not polite, so thank you for being an intoxicated, possibly inbred diesel huffing pub walrus with a cell phone. It’s fairly profitable for me and entertaining for the company as a whole.




    867

    Me: “Ok, and your phone number please?”
    SC: “xxx-xxxx”
    Me: “Ok, and the area code on the phone number?”
    SC: “Uh……pwah ( Yes…”pwah” )……wait a minute.”
    Me: “Ok”
    ( From what I can tell the caller summoned two others to huddle in a circle and try to crack the Da Vinci Area Code. This muffled, confused discussion goes on for a minute or two. )
    SC: “Alright, it’s <postal code>”
    Me: “….alright, but what’s the area code for your phone number?”
    SC: “…..um……pwah……”
    ( PWAH! )
    SC: “uhhh……..wait”
    ( I assume the next few moments were spend evading the attacks of a shadowy albino assailant. )
    SC: “xxx?”
    Me: "Thank you."

    If you ever do try to find the descendants of your messiah it shouldn’t be too hard. Because I’m pretty sure the family tree didn’t fork and they never managed to make it more than 5 miles from where he was originally born. So the Second Coming is probably that guy that lives down by the river in the rusted out husk of an old ‘78 Buick just outside of town with dog named “Get Daddy Another Beer”.





    Hello again
    ( Different lawyer's office. )

    SC: “I’m in jail and I need to-“

    Wait, I know you. Hello again! How’s that drug trafficking charge working out for you? Still in jail, eh? Well, let me be honest with you here. Drug trafficking isn’t really the kind of charge you can just pay a fine on and be out in a couple hours. You’re going to be there for a while. Probably long enough to toss a salad or too. So you better get cozy.

    I hope you like the taste of maple syrup.



    Ugh, it Bred

    Please stop trying to use your 4 year old as a PDA. As cute as she is she should not be the one calling me ( The question “Are you calling to book a room?” illicits stunned confusion from a 4 year old, btw ) and you certainly shouldn’t be trying to have her write down the confirmation code and phone number because you’re too busy talking down to the baggage claim guy to bother talking to me. That was also very nice of you, by the way, talking to both of us at once and not even moving the phone away from your head when you did. So neither of us had any friggan idea which of us you were talking too. Only that you were being a condescending entitlement whore to us both.

    In closing you suck at life and I pity your minut girl slave, er, child.



    Patience

    SC: "Yes, I called for a tech like 15 minutes ago and no one's called me back yet! This is an emergency!"

    Easy there, Fuckaleupagus. It was actually 3 minutes and 47 seconds according to my system stamp. Considering it's 3am maybe you should give the on call tech enough time to at least roll out of bed and find the phone before you start pissing and moaning.





    Visual Aid
    ( This is a tech support account, they're just suppose to call in, explain the problem, I take a message, page the tech, tech calls them back. End of transaction. )

    Since I cannot accurately describe my aggravation at the 10 minute "conversation" I had with the caller I have instead prepared this handy call flowchart for you:




    Yes, I’m aware there’s no way to get to “Hang up and wait for a call back.”. Painfully aware.
    Last edited by Gravekeeper; 03-17-2008, 12:32 AM.

  • #2
    I am stealing that visual aid as well, for my own personal use, but changing some of it around.....my coworkers thank you for the "BEARS!" as well, GK
    You really need to see a neurologist. - Wagegoth

    Comment


    • #3
      Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
      Close Call

      SC: “Yes, my name is Wesley.”
      Me: “Ok-“
      SC: “That’s Wesley with a W”

      Whew, thanks, here I was reaching for X. Good thing you stopped me! You were almost Xesley.
      Did anyone else's mind leap to Star Terk: The Next Generation and Picard's "Shut up Wesley!" Or was I the only one?

      GK, so sorry you have to put up with these idiots. Hope next week brings better days for you.
      Last edited by Ree; 03-17-2008, 03:06 AM. Reason: Fixing quote tags
      Is it insanity to reason with the voices in your head or to ignore them and hope they go away on their own? - Hod from Brat-halla

      "You're the nicest evil person I know" one of my managers to me

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
        Perhaps Nunavut is not a bastion of stupidity as I once thought. Perhaps its where CSR’s go to die.
        Oh, Gods, NO!
        *hands on head, tilted back, screaming at the skies*
        NOOOOOOOO!
        "I call murder on that!"

        Comment


        • #5
          I've been around awhile, but just to claify - is Nunavuit the place that has a 28.00 shipping charge for a 4.00 hat? And they think this is perfectly normal?

          Are they also the 867 code?

          Inquiring minds want to know.
          "So, if you wanna put places like that outta business, just stop being so rock-chewingly stupid." ~ Raudf, 9/19/13

          Comment


          • #6
            Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
            Fuckaleupagus.
            BEST. WORD. EVER.
            Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me!

            I like big bots and I cannot lie.

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth Peppergirl View Post
              I've been around awhile, but just to claify - is Nunavuit the place that has a 28.00 shipping charge for a 4.00 hat? And they think this is perfectly normal?

              Are they also the 867 code?

              Inquiring minds want to know.
              Yukon, Northwest Territories and Nunavut area code: 867

              Nunavut stretches from northern tip of some provinces to, uh, uh, uh, um...., the north pole.
              Otaku

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth prb View Post
                Yukon, Northwest Territories and Nunavut area code: 867

                Nunavut stretches from northern tip of some provinces to, uh, uh, uh, um...., the north pole.
                And a large portion of the population in these places is, um, 'special'? Is it a lack of sunshine?
                "So, if you wanna put places like that outta business, just stop being so rock-chewingly stupid." ~ Raudf, 9/19/13

                Comment


                • #9
                  $40, it's $40 shipping for a $19.95 hat. -.-

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                    Hopefully long enough for some large, sweaty man ape of a cell mate to repeatedly and vigorously redefine the term “cuddling” for you until the very sound of someone rolling over in a bunk bed makes you curl into a ball and bite the pillow out of reflex.
                    OK, rule 1 broken.

                    This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                      trying to lick my own ear
                      Mastered licking your elbow, did ya? Is it possible?
                      Unseen but seeing
                      oh dear, now they're masquerading as sane-KiaKat
                      There isn't enough interpretive dance in the workplace these days-Irv
                      3rd shift needs love, too
                      RIP, mo bhrionglóid

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Quoth Peppergirl View Post
                        And a large portion of the population in these places is, um, 'special'? Is it a lack of sunshine?
                        Not to sound like a bleeding heart liberal, but actually, a large majority of them are aboriginals who live barely above the poverty line, and come from troubled backgrounds. Many of them are fetal alcohol babies who grow up to have fetal alcohol babies, although that statistic is improving. There is a large population who have lost most of their brain cells from huffing gasoline for a cheap high when they can't afford alcohol or drugs.

                        Again, that statistic is improving, but there is still a significant residual effect among current generations.
                        http://www.justice.gc.ca/en/ps/rs/re...r03-14_02.html
                        Many of them are willing to pay the huge shipping costs because everything has to be flown in, and if they want something, they really don't have a lot of choice.

                        That being said, I can completely understand that it must be really frustrating dealing with calls from that area. I have heard some of the audio that has been posted, and I just shake my head.
                        Too tired of living and too tired to end it. What a conundrum.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth Ree View Post
                          I have heard some of the audio that has been posted
                          There's audio of a GK call? Where?
                          What if Humans are just Dire Halflings?

                          Comment


                          • #15
                            Quoth Gravekeeper View Post


                            Easy there, Fuckaleupagus.


                            Brilliant.
                            When I read this, I almost spit up my Coke.

                            Genius as usual.
                            check out my new blog!!!!

                            http://pitofdespairblog.blogspot.com/

                            feel free to comment/send me the links to your blog!

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