Abusive boy friends...

[VenomX]

This is going to be LONG!

A few months ago I was working noon to 9pm. A woman comes in about 8pm and is crying. She tells me what she wants and I sell it to her. Then I ask if she is ok. She asked to use the phone to call her mother to come pick her up. Seems she got into a fight with her boy friend, he hit her, and she left without her car because he hid the car keys.

She is talking to her mom when her boy friend arrives, he grabes the phone and slams it down. I tell him to get the f*ck out. And I take her to the back. I called 911 and told them what was going on and the police show up. He lived accross the street and up 3 buildings The police talk to her and she only wants the car keys so she can go home. The police go to his house and try to get her keys and he wont give them to the police. He gets arrested for being drunk and wanting to fight the police. They wouldnt have done a thing to him if he had just gave up the keys.

They find her keys under the couch and give them to her. All over and she left him right? WRONG!

Two days later here they both come pulling up in her car. He gets out and comes into the store. I tell him to get out because of him slamming down OUR phone. He gets mad and leaves. She comes in days later crying yet again and I totally ignore her and sell her the cigarettes she wants and go on to the next customer.

She is still with him months later...

Last week I am outside pumping gas. Young man and woman pull up. Woman is driving, I ask her how much she wanted. She tells me how much and I hear the man say, "you f*cking stupid b*tch I told you thats MY money for the casino!". The entire time I am pumping their gas he is screaming at her and calling her names. They were in the other day and she is still with him and he is still treating her like crap.

I have been working at this place for 2 years and 4 months almost. Every woman/girl seems to be driving a nice car one day and then you see the boyfriend driving it and when she comes in again its got all kinds of damage done to it. You ask them what happened and they say oh my boyfriend hit such and such.

I dont know about you all but if you hit me, swear at me like that, etc there will be no more relationship. period. If you drive my car and hit something you will NEVER drive my car again and you will pay to get it fixed. I just cant understand these woman/girls... Most of them can have the pick of the man they want yet they stay with these abusive fools.

BTW the guy from the first story, still tries to come in, he gets sent right back out the door. You dont try to break company property or mine. I keep telling him he will be allowed back when either hell freezes, I quit, or I get fired and I dont see any of that happening soon.

[Amethyst Hunter]

If you haven't already, see Jester's "How To Be A "Man"" thread in Off-Topic - it's long, but the explanation of why some women choose to stay with abusive SOs is contained therein.

[Enigma]

Abusive relationships are about power. You have to understand that the woman ( and sometimes men) in these relationships aren't the most stable, I know I was one. It's a destruction of your self esteem. You learn to justify it too yourself, and understand that most often the women (and sometimes men) who fall pray to this have very little self-esteen to begin with. I know for the longest time with my ex, I thought I deserved it.

I'm glad you keep the guy out of there though. Jerk.

[thehippie777]

Yeah, I have learned the explinations, but I guess I see things a different way. I have an ex I dumped because I believed one day he would hit me & let's just say I would prefer him pissed at me for life then to having in prison for touching me, cuz that is where he would have been if my older brothers hadn't found him first. If he treates you like shit, ladies, then he doesn't love you let alone give a rat's ass about you. He does, however, like hitting you & treating you like crap. So, yes, there is a part of you he loves...the one he hurts. Love yourself & you will find someone who loves you in positive ways.

[draftermatt]

Sadly, I once heard a girl in a abusive relationship say "but he's so good looking" after my wife & I offered her our spare bedroom (he threw her down a set of stairs) and I offered to disembowel him.

She went back to him a few times but thankfully wised up and left him for good and went back to her ex-husband, they had a baby a few months ago too.

[Dilorenzo]

You can't help anyone - man or woman - "stuck" in an abusive relationship until they want to help themselves, from my experience (experience I'd rather not have, but hey).

It's pretty comparable to addiction, in a lot of ways.

[Jester]

If you haven't already, see Jester's "How To Be A "Man"" thread in Off-Topic - it's long, but the explanation of why some women choose to stay with abusive SOs is contained therein.

The actual title of it was Human Pinata, or How to Be a "Man." I make this correction not to be anal, but simply to make finding it easier.

For the less common reverse version of a girlfriend abusing her boyfriend, see XXDarrienX's A Situation is Brewing.

This type of thing is very sad, very tragic, and sadly, very common. Consider yourself fortunate that you are not involved in something like this. Rarely does it end well.

[unclejampuff]

At my old waitress job, I had that happen with a regular and her "man". They'd come in, he'd be a total ass to their server and to her. A few times he'd hit her in the parking lot and she'd come in crying and use our phone to call her mom. Every single time I saw her, she'd be apologizing for his behavior. Wash, rinse, repeat. Being a 17-year victim of physical and severe emotional abuse myself, it was a little upsetting and frustrating to see her not only stick with him, but apologize!! Oh, honey, NO.
So one time I was their server, and at one point he gets up to smoke outside. I come over to clear their table, she starts apologizing. I lose my temper and quietly ask "Why the FUCK are you apologizing for that douche-waffle? He's the abusive one, not you. Stop apologizing and get out of the relationship." She just kinda shrugs and averts her eyes. I show her the scars and list my various injuries suffered at the hands of my stepfather. I say, "He will never change. It will only get worse. Here's the number for the local women's shelter. You deserve better." and leave before I get any more upset.
After they leave, I go back to their table to finish cleaning up. The number is still there. I went back to visit my co-workers a few weeks ago. And there they are; him being a dick, she apologizing for it. God, I hope she'll someday learn before he kills her.

[blas]

I lost my most special favorite cousin in the world because of an abusive boyfriend. I was too young to attend the trial, to this day my parents will not tell me if he abused her BEFORE he killed her or not, but the point is, she's DEAD. He killed her. She isn't coming back.

You did what you could. She's choosing to stay with the guy. Read Jester's thread......you'll understand a bit better why people have such a hard time getting out of abusive relationships. But now that you have done all you can, there is nothing left you can do. Just hope and pray she DOES leave him!

Interestingly enough, most customers in that type of situation when I worked at the gas station were abusive women

[LifeCarnie]

Some people can't see how the abusive persons behavior as abusive, they can't mentally accept the fact, so they see what they want to see.

Like a addict, they don't have a PROBLEM! They can quit any time they want!!

You can't help anyone - man or woman - "stuck" in an abusive relationship until they want to help themselves, from my experience (experience I'd rather not have, but hey).

It's pretty comparable to addiction, in a lot of ways.

Ding, ding, ding......WINNER!

Oh the stories I could tell you about my ex-friend and her off again on again boyfriend. He never hit her, but man was he a financial leech.

He STILL owes her thousands of dollars from the last 3 times that they were together, they are currently living together, and she can't afford her share of the rent, which should be OK since he owes her thousands of dollars that she had loaned him, but he acts like she is endentured to him for allowing her to live rent free.


I was constantly bailing her out, emotionally as well as financially, because she was constantly screwing herself over to please him. Which eventually turned into her screw me over in the course of pleasing him. Despite the fact that her quality of life would be nowhere close to what it is at the moment.

I finally got sick of her, because our relationship was like a bad marriage, it was all of the bad parts and none of the good parts, and we weren't even dating. So the amount of emotional investment I had in this relationship became too much to bear, considering it was a one-sided friendship, NEVER about me in 5% of the time, which was due to the fact that her relationship was never about her. So I bailed. And, of course it's all my fault that I left her to have to deal with her poor choice in men, without someone to use as an emotional crutch.

She and I have fought before, but I know this time it's over, because for one thing, this time I don't miss hanging out with her, and secondly, this is the most relaxed I've been in years, since I no longer am burdened with being expected to rescue her from her poor choices. Ahhh....freedom and spare money in my pocket, I had forgotten what that was like.

***************************************

In other news, you can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.



Unless, of course you can get this horse to eat some salty, salty pretzels but that's off the subject.

[draftermatt]

Some people can't see how the abusive persons behavior as abusive, they can't mentally accept the fact, so they see what they want to see.

Like a addict, they don't have a PROBLEM! They can quit any time they want!!

To paraphrase Joe Rogan (which I don't like doing, but it's valid here) "Those women are addicted to assholes, and no matter what you do, they aren't going to leave them"

It's not to say people who get themselves into these situations are dumb, quite the contrary. It started out good, and they either can't see that it's changed or don't want to. It's an addiction, and you can't help those who won't help themselves. There are some people that want help but can't do it, those you can reach. It's the ones who don't see a problem, or worse yet see it but won't do anything about it.

[Posture Moll]

I agree with the 'addiction' theory.

I don't think they necessarily want love out of it - when you come down to it, a large chunk of the human race is inherently masochistic (and/or sadistic, but that's another story). And I don't mean that in a purely sexual sense, either. Humans often find something very cathartic about willingly subjecting themselves to physical or emotional pain, perhaps because they feel less guilty after being 'punished' for their own misdeeds.

[/Dostoevskian analysis]

[Estil]

Abusive relationships are about power. You have to understand that the woman ( and sometimes men) in these relationships aren't the most stable, I know I was one. It's a destruction of your self esteem. You learn to justify it too yourself, and understand that most often the women (and sometimes men) who fall pray to this have very little self-esteen to begin with. I know for the longest time with my ex, I thought I deserved it.

I'm glad you keep the guy out of there though. Jerk.

You are absoultely right; I too was the victim of an abusive relationship (my fascist father) and felt so stupid for not leaving earlier (I was way out in the country with no vehicle so until I got lucky and found an apt, I had no way to look for a job in town on my own; I practically was under house arrest). Yes, I too tried to mentally justify it and tried to tell myself (and my mother until then did much the same) that "he was not that bad" or that "it's sometimes my fault for provoking him" or whatever. To this day I will not speak with him and only see him in family functions where I avoid that douche-bag as much as I can (in addition to being abusive he also was a cheater and yes, my mom has after years of trying finally left him once I did). I just wish my grandma (who knows what he was up to) would have the guts to tell him he's no longer welcome at the family functions.

So for those of you who label these victims as "just letting it go on", it's a lot different when you're actually IN an abusive relationship versus just seeing it on the sidelines.

[morgana]

So for those of you who label these victims as "just letting it go on", it's a lot different when you're actually IN an abusive relationship versus just seeing it on the sidelines.

Quoted for truth.

*Anyone* can be brainwashed, kids. *Anyone* can be made to feel like they don't deserve better than what they've got. It all depends on your self esteem going into the relationship, and the skill of the manipulator.

And those of us who finally wised up have to live with unending guilt for not having wised up sooner.

I'ma go away 'n cry for a while now . . .

[Estil]

Some people can't see how the abusive persons behavior as abusive, they can't mentally accept the fact, so they see what they want to see.

It isn't quite like that. What the victim tends to do (again as did I) is that they believe that since they have no means of escape (and believe me, the abuser does everything they can to convince the victim to keep their beak shut) and thus try to make the best of the situation. The reason you see them so reluctant to try to leave is that they're trying desperately to placate the abuser so that they at least treat them okay sometimes (it's very common for the abuser to be of the Jeckel-Hyde type). And of course, there's the classic fear of relatilation on the abuser's part if the victim does try to leave and no one believes the victim.

I hope you people are seeing that although it may SEEM like they're "defending their abuser", the truth is they're doing it because they feel they must to survive. If you want them to actually leave the relationship, the victim must first be convinced they CAN leave it and not fear retaliation from the abuser.