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Dear Sir,
Here’s a helpful hint for future reference, upon meeting someone for the first time, even if it’s not under ideal circumstances (let’s say we use the totally arbitrary scenario of having to meet with the person who towed your car for illegal parking) the phrase “You better not have fu*ked up my transmission!” is not what I’d call an appropriate ice breaker, and it certainly did get our conversation together off to a rocky start that really didn’t get a chance to improve.
I did find it mildly amusing when you started the verbal fishing contest with me while I was filling out the paperwork. You know? How you start making those loud statements to the person standing next to you, so that you’re not talking to me per se but nevertheless including me in the conversation? I only assume you were hoping to hit my “hot button” and make me fly off the handle so we could start a shouting match together or something similar where you no doubt have the experience advantage over me. Alas, I can’t be goaded into such nonsense. Though I did keep score of the various approaches you tried.
Sympathy: “I’ve been towed by him so many times I’ve got more invested in tows than the car” Indignation: “This is Bulls*it!”
Name Dropping: “I’ll call *owner* tomorrow and get this all fixed. (Be my guest, if you really did know *owner* you’d know he’s in Wyoming this whole month on a hunting trip.) and finally,
Condescension: “How can you even tow that car without breaking something? You better not have hit anything!” Yeah, that was all very cute, what do you do for an encore? Never mind, I know the answer to that, you accuse me of going all Grand Theft Mullet on your car.
No you slack-jawed yokel, I did not take your 86’ Chevy Camaro out of the impound lot for a joyride, nobody did. Besides the fact it would be blatantly illegal, I was far too busy tonight out there on the road in my tow truck doing what I call my “job” to even consider putting a few extra dents in that chunk of Detroit iron you worship so much and probably named one or more of your kids after. Now, I understand the concept of “job” is probably foreign to you since you brought your girlfriend with you so you could use her credit card to get the car out of impound, but bear with me here please, I was simply too occupied to have had the time to do what you’re claiming I did, assuming I’d even want to take that car for a joyride. From the looks of that fine piece o’ machinery, the only person who’s been joyriding it was you. Granted, I’ve only known you for about 8 minutes tops, but in that time you’ve conveyed to me such a stunning lack of social refinement, I can only assume that you have the same difficulty driving around without colliding with stationary objects as you did carrying on a conversation with me without using the word “fu*k” as a noun, verb AND adjective.
Oh, you say you have proof? What’s that you say? Your car’s temperature gauge is reading 220 degrees? Hmm, let’s see, by golly you’re right that needle is indeed resting all the way on the peg to the right. Well sir, I submit to you sir that since you made that claim while the car is turned off, with no key in it, that the temp gauge in your car is broken. Oh, you want a cop now? Sure, I aim to please you after all, at least when I’m not mentally aiming between your eyes with a 5 foot steel dolly bar wondering how many people would show up at your funeral for a reason OTHER than to see who was inheriting your Dale Earnhardt memorial coffee mug collection, so sure, we’ll call the cops. Well, color me burnt sienna, or maybe surprised, the cop doesn’t think this car was taken out at any time tonight either, seeing as how both the hood and the top of the radiator cap are ice-cold. These are not signs of a recently-running engine, unless you think I’ve bribed both the cop and the second law of thermodynamics at some point tonight to make them cover up all the evidence of me vicariously living the life of Steve McQueen in Bullit.
Well, sorry to say sir, but that’s going to be the end of our time together tonight. If you have any further issues, bring them up with management on Monday. Can’t wait to see the look on your face when they bring out the security footage from the impound lot camera, yeah, camera, cameras actually, plural. We have them back there, and no, I didn’t tell you we did because you didn’t ask. Besides, the concept of “moving pictures” was probably too advanced a technology for you to comprehend, from the looks of you sir, dental floss is also a technology you can’t comprehend. Oh well, drive safe out there, and if you collide with any more small woodland mammals, as it looks like you have in the past, just give us a call and we’ll be happy, more than happy, dare I say orgasmicly delighted, to have you as a customer again.
-Argabarga
Here’s a helpful hint for future reference, upon meeting someone for the first time, even if it’s not under ideal circumstances (let’s say we use the totally arbitrary scenario of having to meet with the person who towed your car for illegal parking) the phrase “You better not have fu*ked up my transmission!” is not what I’d call an appropriate ice breaker, and it certainly did get our conversation together off to a rocky start that really didn’t get a chance to improve.
I did find it mildly amusing when you started the verbal fishing contest with me while I was filling out the paperwork. You know? How you start making those loud statements to the person standing next to you, so that you’re not talking to me per se but nevertheless including me in the conversation? I only assume you were hoping to hit my “hot button” and make me fly off the handle so we could start a shouting match together or something similar where you no doubt have the experience advantage over me. Alas, I can’t be goaded into such nonsense. Though I did keep score of the various approaches you tried.
Sympathy: “I’ve been towed by him so many times I’ve got more invested in tows than the car” Indignation: “This is Bulls*it!”
Name Dropping: “I’ll call *owner* tomorrow and get this all fixed. (Be my guest, if you really did know *owner* you’d know he’s in Wyoming this whole month on a hunting trip.) and finally,
Condescension: “How can you even tow that car without breaking something? You better not have hit anything!” Yeah, that was all very cute, what do you do for an encore? Never mind, I know the answer to that, you accuse me of going all Grand Theft Mullet on your car.
No you slack-jawed yokel, I did not take your 86’ Chevy Camaro out of the impound lot for a joyride, nobody did. Besides the fact it would be blatantly illegal, I was far too busy tonight out there on the road in my tow truck doing what I call my “job” to even consider putting a few extra dents in that chunk of Detroit iron you worship so much and probably named one or more of your kids after. Now, I understand the concept of “job” is probably foreign to you since you brought your girlfriend with you so you could use her credit card to get the car out of impound, but bear with me here please, I was simply too occupied to have had the time to do what you’re claiming I did, assuming I’d even want to take that car for a joyride. From the looks of that fine piece o’ machinery, the only person who’s been joyriding it was you. Granted, I’ve only known you for about 8 minutes tops, but in that time you’ve conveyed to me such a stunning lack of social refinement, I can only assume that you have the same difficulty driving around without colliding with stationary objects as you did carrying on a conversation with me without using the word “fu*k” as a noun, verb AND adjective.
Oh, you say you have proof? What’s that you say? Your car’s temperature gauge is reading 220 degrees? Hmm, let’s see, by golly you’re right that needle is indeed resting all the way on the peg to the right. Well sir, I submit to you sir that since you made that claim while the car is turned off, with no key in it, that the temp gauge in your car is broken. Oh, you want a cop now? Sure, I aim to please you after all, at least when I’m not mentally aiming between your eyes with a 5 foot steel dolly bar wondering how many people would show up at your funeral for a reason OTHER than to see who was inheriting your Dale Earnhardt memorial coffee mug collection, so sure, we’ll call the cops. Well, color me burnt sienna, or maybe surprised, the cop doesn’t think this car was taken out at any time tonight either, seeing as how both the hood and the top of the radiator cap are ice-cold. These are not signs of a recently-running engine, unless you think I’ve bribed both the cop and the second law of thermodynamics at some point tonight to make them cover up all the evidence of me vicariously living the life of Steve McQueen in Bullit.
Well, sorry to say sir, but that’s going to be the end of our time together tonight. If you have any further issues, bring them up with management on Monday. Can’t wait to see the look on your face when they bring out the security footage from the impound lot camera, yeah, camera, cameras actually, plural. We have them back there, and no, I didn’t tell you we did because you didn’t ask. Besides, the concept of “moving pictures” was probably too advanced a technology for you to comprehend, from the looks of you sir, dental floss is also a technology you can’t comprehend. Oh well, drive safe out there, and if you collide with any more small woodland mammals, as it looks like you have in the past, just give us a call and we’ll be happy, more than happy, dare I say orgasmicly delighted, to have you as a customer again.
-Argabarga
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