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Ugh, coworker on vacation this week and no one to cover him. So I took 100% unfiltered stupidity all week rather then the usual 50%. ><
SO LONELY
( All this knob is calling for is to sign up for a financial magazine subscription. )
SC: “So you’re working the night shift, huh?”
Why yes, yes I am. Which means I’m actually being paid to stay up and be on the phone. Whereas you on the other hand are being driven by far more vapid force such as a severe lack of common sense or alcoholism.
SC: “You know you talk about energy in this magazine a lot. Someone really has to do something about it. The Icelanders, they have all the energy now you know.”
Uh….okay….I mean, yeah! Curse those damned Icelanders! Keeping all the energy for themselves! What with their lands full of, er, ice.
Me: “Ok, can I get your phone number please?”
SC: “Oh, its xxx-xxx-xxxx.”
Me: “Ok a-“
SC: “But I was in the navy. So you better watch out!”
…okay? You know its rapidly and alarmingly becoming apparent you’re the kind of person that people back away from slowly on the bus. You know, the guy that tries to talk to everyone around him but is completely oblivious to the fact he's making everyone uncomfortable.
Me: “Ok, is that in <city a> or <city b>?”
SC: "Where are you?"
Me: "I'm in Vancouver."
SC: "Vancouver?! Wow, all the way up north? I don't know much about Canada."
Me: "Yes. Are in you in <city a> o-"
SC: “So you’re really Canadian? I can spot a Canadian a mile off.”
Me: “…..yes….are you in <city a> or <city b>?””
SC: “Hey, say something Canadian for me!”
Me: "....."
….I am not a dog, seal or dolphin. I do not perform tricks on command. I'm also pretty sure "No, you ignorant fucktard. Now please answer the question" is not a phrase that originated in the Great White North.
Me: “and your zip code please?”
SC: “It’s xxxxx”
Me: “Ok, a-“
SC: “But I’m an ex-telephone guy. So you better watch out!”
My, aren’t we multi-talented. That’s very nice. Answer the bloody question.
Me: “Alright, and your address please?”
SC: “I don’t know much about Canada.”
Me: “….ok, can I have your address please?”
SC: “I was up there once, when I was in the navy. We were in Halifax.”
Me: “…yes, that’s on the east coast. Can I have your address please?”
SC: “I didn’t like it though. We went to a tavern. It was all very English. People just stood around quaffing ale.”
Me: “…..can I have your address please?”
Yes, Halifax is the very image of refined, posh Englishmen. What year were you in the navy again? 1812?
SC: “I went up there for my honeymoon.”
Where? To Halifax? Dear god, why?
SC: “We went to Niagra Falls.”
Oh, ok. What did they quaff there? Sherry? Bourbon? Those filthy red coats. They think they’re so good.
Me: “Alright, you should receive the first issue in a few days-“
SC: “Do you know what kind of energy the Icelanders have?”
Me: “….no. But you should receive the issue in a few days.”
SC: “Geothermal!”
Me: “…..ok. So you’re all signed up, and you’ll receive the first issue in a few days.”
SC: “Yep, they know all about it-“
I am dropping a hint. It is a big hint. About the size of a brick. Please, look down, pick it up, and realize that this is the end of the call and this conversation should terminate. Otherwise I may have to persistently beat you about the head and neck with this hint until you begin to grasp its purpose.
Me: “Ok, I really need to go. I can’t stay on the line this long, there are other calls-“
SC: “Oh, I know I know. You’re a telephone operator.”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “You know what we have down here?”
Me: “……”
SC: “411 operators!”
Me: “…..”
SC: “Know how long they get?”
Me: “…..”
SC: “31.7 seconds. That’s it.”
Me: “…..I really need to go.”
SC: “But they’re only paid a $1.75.”
Me: “……”
PLEASE. LET ME GO! Please! I’m begging you. I have family and friends, and a cat. My cat needs her daddy. Please!
Me: “Ok, I really have to go. I can’t spend this long on a call, sorry.”
SC: “Oh ok, you’re really very nice you know.”
What you perceive as “nice” I perceive as “desperately enduring”.
Also, what you perceive as “friendly chat with the operator” I perceive as “A desperate cry for help because I’m lonely. SO LONELY. OH GOD MY LIFE IS EMPTY AND VOID OF LOVE. PLEASE TALK TO ME SO I CAN TASTE THE SWEET WARMTH OF HUMAN INTERACTION.”
867
Did you know there’s a place called Kangiqsualujjuaq? No, really. I didn’t just slam my face into the keyboard. Kangiqsualujuuag. It’s basically Inuit for “really big bay”. Naturally, it is close to a fairly large bay. The Inuit are apparently a very literal people which makes me wonder about some of the other 15-48 letter vowel reaming town names I’ve heard. Perhaps Kugluktuk actually means “OH GOD ITS COLD. MY PENIS IS INVERTED.” or Igloolik means “Check out our sweet igloo.”
….ok, actually, now that I look Igloolik really does mean “There’s an igloo here”. So I was close.
Man the walls!
Me: “Good evening, <company> Lottery”
SC: “Yes, um, so…..um, yes……umm…..so….this is….uh….I got this thing in the mail….um….so….uh…”
Me: “…..”
SC: “…what is this?”
Me: “This is a lottery.”
SC: “Oh, um….so…..um…….uh…….so…..um…..this…….how?”
You’re obviously not ready for this, put the phone down. The sheer amount of information just bombarding you from every angle is overwhelming what rickety defenses the diminutive fortress of your mind has. It’s time to fill the moat with vodka again and keep the stress of being a functional member of society at bay.
Misfortune
Me: “Good morning, <company>, are you calling about our <product>?”
SC: “No, I am not, unfortunately.”
You’re about to be cruelly and tragically disappointed, unfortunately.
The Last Minute(tm)
( Note: This is Friday morning. )
SC: “I need a cashmere throw sent to Thailand by Saturday for a wedding gift.”
……hahahahahahah! Ahh, that’s a g….wait, you’re serious aren’t you? Oh man.
Do You Know Who I Am(tm)
SC: “What’s your name?”
Me: “Gravekeeper.”
SC: “and your last name?”
Me: “I don’t release my last name, sorry.”
SC: “Well, maybe you’ll tell me your last name after I tell you who I am.”
Oh ho ho, somehow I highly doubt that.
SC: “I’m the operations manager of the <big resort in Mexico>. Now will you tell me your last name?”
Ha. No. You’ll have to do better than that. You should have at least said “Optimus Prime” or something. You know, someone I’d actually consider. I’d totally talk to Prime. Granted I’d know right away if you were Optimus Prime or not. You can’t fool me. I'm wiley.
Love Lost
Me: “Good evening, <tech support>.”
SC: “Is this the after hours desk?”
Me: “Yes it is.”
SC: “Oh, well, I don’t need you.”
Well fine then! I never really loved you anyway! <sob>
Yet you're calling for them...
Me: “Good evening, <company> Lottery”
SC: “I spent too much on lottery tickets...<sigh> Oh well I'd like to order.”
…right. Well, as the helpful slogan goes: “Know your limit, play within it.”. ( FYI that's our anti-gambling addiction slogan in BC ) Doesn’t strike me as a very effective slogan, but there you go. An effective slogan would be something more like “Stop it or you’ll end up living in an Ikea box on Davie st and with a tourist's ballsack on your chin for Mr Noodle money.”.
But that’s just not quite as catchy.
er...
Me: “Ok, and what address was it regarding?”
SC: “36'n butter.”
Me: “….butter?”
SC: “Er, no, wait, 37th st and Brooks.”
I’m not sure if you’re genuinely confused or if you just accidentally revealed some sort of elaborate personal fetish I’d have to Google to figure out then immediately regret afterwords.
867
Me: “Good evening, ,company>-“
SC: “I NEED TO ORDER.”
No, no you don’t. There is nothing in this catalogue that could possibly be defined as a “need”. Only “want”. If any article or object in the catalogue is a “need” in your life then you, my friend, have serious issues that must be attended too by someone with more credentials then myself. I do not sell anything that is a matter of life or death.
Me: “Alright, and what’s your name please?”
SC: “<At this point she made a gutteral, equine like noise that could not possibly have had any vowels in it.>”
Me: “How do you spell that?”
SC:“Um……uh…..I’ll use my mom.”
As what? A translator or a spell check?
SC: “Susie”
Wait, your mom’s name is Susie but she decided to name you "BRGHCKPG~!@#"? She must hate you, or be completely incapable of legibly scrawling on your birth certificate.
Me: “and your postal code?”
SC: “Uh…..huh?”
Me: “What’s your postal code please?”
SC: “….uh…..box 25.”
Me: “Alright, but I need your postal code please.”
SC: “Ummmm……uh…..ah! <click>”
Ah, I see my complex riddles and deep, philosophical inquiries have completely overridden your tiny, feeble, rodent like mind. Please accept my humble apologies for failing to realize you were on a mental level around that of a damp, unassembled Ikea bed frame. I should never have given you the benefit of the doubt that you at the very least could figure out where you live.
I'm so confused.
Me: “Good evening, <company>. Are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “I don’t know.”
Well, you have roughly 6 seconds to figure it out. That is the extent of my generosity this evening. Use this time wisely to discover yourself and/or your purpose here. If that is too difficult, feel free to piddle this allotted time away by curiously picking lint out of your navel. After which point I shall terminate this call and you may return to your simple, confused existence.
..the what alarm?
Me: “Alright, and what kind of alarm are you getting?”
SC: “Missing clothes.”
Me: “…missing clothes? You mean late to close?”
SC: “...er....yeah.”
That makes a lot more sense than “Someone’s trippin’ the nudie alarm”.
867
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “I wanna place an order.”
Me: “Alright, and what’s your name please?”
SC: “Susie”
Oh oh, she’s decided to insert another coin and try again.
Me: “and your postal code please?”
SC: “xxx xxx”
Success! Truly, this is a triumph for all mankind! The hurdle has been jumped! The wall has been broken down! The Kraft Dinner Easy Mac has been successfully microwaved in time for WWE Monday Night Raw!
( She gets through the ENTIRE order, etc etc, right up to the end..... )
Me: “Ok, and will that be by credit card or COD?”
SC: “Uh…..ummm….what?”
Me: “By credit card or by COD?”
SC: “Credit card?”
Me: “Ok, by which credit card?”
SC: “Uhh….um…..ah! <click>”
SO CLOSE.
+LCK
SC:: “Do you still have the tickets in consecutively numbers when you order packs?”
Me: : “Yes we do.”
SC: “GAH! I wish you wouldn’t do that! I’ll just take one then!”
Ah yes, I forgot about that. Consecutive numbers are the very font of misfortune. Whereas random numbers somehow double or even triple your chance of winning. It’s like +300% Luck. If you can clench a horseshoe between your ass cheeks for the entire duration of the call, +25%. Lick a troll doll before the draw, +25%. Clap your hands four times, spin in a circle and invoke the true name of Ra before calling, +50%. Physically go down on Buddha while on the phone, +75%. Kidnap a small, rotund man, dress him in a Leprechaun outfit and keep him handcuffed in your basement without any pants until the draw while uploading videos of him singing Irish pub songs at knife point to Youtube, +200%.
Follow this handy guide and you too could be the lucky winner of a secondary prize piece of durable $50 luggage.
DON'T TAZE ME, BRO~!
SC: “Yeah the cops are giving my girlfriend a 24 hour license suspension and they’re towing her car! Is that legal?”
Me: “I’m afraid I can’t give you legal advice, I’m not an attorney. Are you a client of ours?”
SC: “<to the background> My attorney says this is illegal!”
Officer: “Sir, please stay on the sidewalk.”
Oh, you did not just lie to a police officer about me.
Me: “I said I cannot give you legal advice. I am not an attorney. Are you a client of ours?”
SC: “You can’t tow it, my attorney’s coming to get her car!”
Officer: “Please stay over there on the sidewalk.”
SC: “Yeah, <lawyer> is my attorney. He’s been my attorney for like 10 years. I’ve paid him thousands of dollars.”
Me: “Ok, one sec I’ll see if <lawyer> is available.”
SC: “Hey! What’s your badge number?!”
Officer: “Sir, stay on the sidewalk.”
SC: “Isn’t he required to give me his badge number?! What’s your badge number!?”
Officer: “We don’t have time for this right now, my badge number will be on the arrest papers when we get to the station.”
SC: “He won’t give me his badge number, isn’t he required to give me that?!”
Me: “He may not be required to at the moment, but it will be on the arrest papers so-“
SC: “My attorney wants your badge number!”
Stop that you mouthy little cocktwiddle. I want no part of your this or the pepper spray its hopefully inviting.
Officer: “Stay on the sidewalk!”
Me: “I’ll see if <lawyer> is available, one sec.”
SC: “Yeah, would you? This cop is being like really intimidating and what not for no reason.”
Gee, I wonder why? It’s not like you’re a case study in why police brutality occurs or anything.
Me: “Ok, doesn’t seem like <lawyer> is available. I’ll have to leave a message for him. What was she being arrested for?”
SC: “Um, drinking and driving. Did you blow over?”
SC's girlfriend: “Yeah.”
SC: “Yeah, DUI. But it’s nothing. She was drinking but that was like 24 hours ago.”
You’re trying to tell me that she was drinking so heavily she’s still legally intoxicated 24 hours later? Were you doing Listerine Jello shooters or something? Shouldn’t she be in the hospital at this point?
SC: “My attorney wants to talk to you!”
Officer: “Stay on the SIDEWALK!"
No, no he doesn’t. I’m not your attorney. Stop it. You invite this at your own peril. Even if you do succeed in getting the officer on the phone I will very quickly inform him that I am not your attorney, I said nothing of the sort and that you are a lying little ass weasel.
SC: “<Yes, to the officer..> Fine then, you sack of SHIT!!”
Me: “……”
SC: “I don’t know what his problem is. This officer really has it out for me, seriously. Abuse of authority.”
Ever wonder why you keep hearing news stories about some guy getting tazed 7 or 8 times? Well wonder no more.
867
Me: “Ok, by credit card or COD?”
SC: “COD.”
Me: “Alright, that comes to $244 and should arrive in about two weeks.”
SC: “Ok, thanks.”
5 minutes later.
Me: “Good evening, <company>.”
SC: “Um, yeah, I just placed an order.”
Me: “Alright.”
SC: “Is $244 like…the total with the shipping and uh taxes and stuff?”
Me: “…yes.”
SC:“and I just like pay for with cash when it gets here?”
Me: “….yes.”
SC: “Ok, bye.”
Glad we were able to clear up the blindingly obvious for you. If you need any more help with say…figuring out if the sky is blue or wondering if water is wet, feel free to call back. I’m here all night.
TEH BLOOD
( Yes, he's serious. This is a property management emergency line. )
SC: “Yeah, I called earlier about the hose being left on. Is anyone going to do anything about it!?”
Me: “Let me check……hmm, unfortunately it wasn’t considered an emergency-”
SC: “What?! BUT THE HOUSE IS BLEEDING WATER@~#$%!”
Sooo…..turn the hose off? I mean, I’ve seen hoses before. Why, when I was young I even played with them despite how much of a clearly dangerous beast they may seem. They aren’t that complicated. If you turn the valve one way, you get less water. Turn it the other way, you get more water. I know the fearsome rubber yard serpent seems complex on the surface, but it’s not, really. Trust me. Just walk up and carefully put your hand on the valve. It won’t bite. Now, turn the valve until the water stops. Don’t worry, if you get more water, just turn it in the other direction. There’s really only two ways it will go.
As I said, I'm here all night if you need any more help. If you're having trouble figuring out how to zip up your pants or flush a toilet or something, by all means just call and ask.
annnd I rest....
SO LONELY
( All this knob is calling for is to sign up for a financial magazine subscription. )
SC: “So you’re working the night shift, huh?”
Why yes, yes I am. Which means I’m actually being paid to stay up and be on the phone. Whereas you on the other hand are being driven by far more vapid force such as a severe lack of common sense or alcoholism.
SC: “You know you talk about energy in this magazine a lot. Someone really has to do something about it. The Icelanders, they have all the energy now you know.”
Uh….okay….I mean, yeah! Curse those damned Icelanders! Keeping all the energy for themselves! What with their lands full of, er, ice.
Me: “Ok, can I get your phone number please?”
SC: “Oh, its xxx-xxx-xxxx.”
Me: “Ok a-“
SC: “But I was in the navy. So you better watch out!”
…okay? You know its rapidly and alarmingly becoming apparent you’re the kind of person that people back away from slowly on the bus. You know, the guy that tries to talk to everyone around him but is completely oblivious to the fact he's making everyone uncomfortable.
Me: “Ok, is that in <city a> or <city b>?”
SC: "Where are you?"
Me: "I'm in Vancouver."
SC: "Vancouver?! Wow, all the way up north? I don't know much about Canada."
Me: "Yes. Are in you in <city a> o-"
SC: “So you’re really Canadian? I can spot a Canadian a mile off.”
Me: “…..yes….are you in <city a> or <city b>?””
SC: “Hey, say something Canadian for me!”
Me: "....."
….I am not a dog, seal or dolphin. I do not perform tricks on command. I'm also pretty sure "No, you ignorant fucktard. Now please answer the question" is not a phrase that originated in the Great White North.
Me: “and your zip code please?”
SC: “It’s xxxxx”
Me: “Ok, a-“
SC: “But I’m an ex-telephone guy. So you better watch out!”
My, aren’t we multi-talented. That’s very nice. Answer the bloody question.
Me: “Alright, and your address please?”
SC: “I don’t know much about Canada.”
Me: “….ok, can I have your address please?”
SC: “I was up there once, when I was in the navy. We were in Halifax.”
Me: “…yes, that’s on the east coast. Can I have your address please?”
SC: “I didn’t like it though. We went to a tavern. It was all very English. People just stood around quaffing ale.”
Me: “…..can I have your address please?”
Yes, Halifax is the very image of refined, posh Englishmen. What year were you in the navy again? 1812?
SC: “I went up there for my honeymoon.”
Where? To Halifax? Dear god, why?
SC: “We went to Niagra Falls.”
Oh, ok. What did they quaff there? Sherry? Bourbon? Those filthy red coats. They think they’re so good.
Me: “Alright, you should receive the first issue in a few days-“
SC: “Do you know what kind of energy the Icelanders have?”
Me: “….no. But you should receive the issue in a few days.”
SC: “Geothermal!”
Me: “…..ok. So you’re all signed up, and you’ll receive the first issue in a few days.”
SC: “Yep, they know all about it-“
I am dropping a hint. It is a big hint. About the size of a brick. Please, look down, pick it up, and realize that this is the end of the call and this conversation should terminate. Otherwise I may have to persistently beat you about the head and neck with this hint until you begin to grasp its purpose.
Me: “Ok, I really need to go. I can’t stay on the line this long, there are other calls-“
SC: “Oh, I know I know. You’re a telephone operator.”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “You know what we have down here?”
Me: “……”
SC: “411 operators!”
Me: “…..”
SC: “Know how long they get?”
Me: “…..”
SC: “31.7 seconds. That’s it.”
Me: “…..I really need to go.”
SC: “But they’re only paid a $1.75.”
Me: “……”
PLEASE. LET ME GO! Please! I’m begging you. I have family and friends, and a cat. My cat needs her daddy. Please!
Me: “Ok, I really have to go. I can’t spend this long on a call, sorry.”
SC: “Oh ok, you’re really very nice you know.”
What you perceive as “nice” I perceive as “desperately enduring”.
Also, what you perceive as “friendly chat with the operator” I perceive as “A desperate cry for help because I’m lonely. SO LONELY. OH GOD MY LIFE IS EMPTY AND VOID OF LOVE. PLEASE TALK TO ME SO I CAN TASTE THE SWEET WARMTH OF HUMAN INTERACTION.”
867
Did you know there’s a place called Kangiqsualujjuaq? No, really. I didn’t just slam my face into the keyboard. Kangiqsualujuuag. It’s basically Inuit for “really big bay”. Naturally, it is close to a fairly large bay. The Inuit are apparently a very literal people which makes me wonder about some of the other 15-48 letter vowel reaming town names I’ve heard. Perhaps Kugluktuk actually means “OH GOD ITS COLD. MY PENIS IS INVERTED.” or Igloolik means “Check out our sweet igloo.”
….ok, actually, now that I look Igloolik really does mean “There’s an igloo here”. So I was close.
Man the walls!
Me: “Good evening, <company> Lottery”
SC: “Yes, um, so…..um, yes……umm…..so….this is….uh….I got this thing in the mail….um….so….uh…”
Me: “…..”
SC: “…what is this?”
Me: “This is a lottery.”
SC: “Oh, um….so…..um…….uh…….so…..um…..this…….how?”
You’re obviously not ready for this, put the phone down. The sheer amount of information just bombarding you from every angle is overwhelming what rickety defenses the diminutive fortress of your mind has. It’s time to fill the moat with vodka again and keep the stress of being a functional member of society at bay.
Misfortune
Me: “Good morning, <company>, are you calling about our <product>?”
SC: “No, I am not, unfortunately.”
You’re about to be cruelly and tragically disappointed, unfortunately.
The Last Minute(tm)
( Note: This is Friday morning. )
SC: “I need a cashmere throw sent to Thailand by Saturday for a wedding gift.”
……hahahahahahah! Ahh, that’s a g….wait, you’re serious aren’t you? Oh man.
Do You Know Who I Am(tm)
SC: “What’s your name?”
Me: “Gravekeeper.”
SC: “and your last name?”
Me: “I don’t release my last name, sorry.”
SC: “Well, maybe you’ll tell me your last name after I tell you who I am.”
Oh ho ho, somehow I highly doubt that.
SC: “I’m the operations manager of the <big resort in Mexico>. Now will you tell me your last name?”
Ha. No. You’ll have to do better than that. You should have at least said “Optimus Prime” or something. You know, someone I’d actually consider. I’d totally talk to Prime. Granted I’d know right away if you were Optimus Prime or not. You can’t fool me. I'm wiley.
Love Lost
Me: “Good evening, <tech support>.”
SC: “Is this the after hours desk?”
Me: “Yes it is.”
SC: “Oh, well, I don’t need you.”
Well fine then! I never really loved you anyway! <sob>
Yet you're calling for them...
Me: “Good evening, <company> Lottery”
SC: “I spent too much on lottery tickets...<sigh> Oh well I'd like to order.”
…right. Well, as the helpful slogan goes: “Know your limit, play within it.”. ( FYI that's our anti-gambling addiction slogan in BC ) Doesn’t strike me as a very effective slogan, but there you go. An effective slogan would be something more like “Stop it or you’ll end up living in an Ikea box on Davie st and with a tourist's ballsack on your chin for Mr Noodle money.”.
But that’s just not quite as catchy.
er...
Me: “Ok, and what address was it regarding?”
SC: “36'n butter.”
Me: “….butter?”
SC: “Er, no, wait, 37th st and Brooks.”
I’m not sure if you’re genuinely confused or if you just accidentally revealed some sort of elaborate personal fetish I’d have to Google to figure out then immediately regret afterwords.
867
Me: “Good evening, ,company>-“
SC: “I NEED TO ORDER.”
No, no you don’t. There is nothing in this catalogue that could possibly be defined as a “need”. Only “want”. If any article or object in the catalogue is a “need” in your life then you, my friend, have serious issues that must be attended too by someone with more credentials then myself. I do not sell anything that is a matter of life or death.
Me: “Alright, and what’s your name please?”
SC: “<At this point she made a gutteral, equine like noise that could not possibly have had any vowels in it.>”
Me: “How do you spell that?”
SC:“Um……uh…..I’ll use my mom.”
As what? A translator or a spell check?
SC: “Susie”
Wait, your mom’s name is Susie but she decided to name you "BRGHCKPG~!@#"? She must hate you, or be completely incapable of legibly scrawling on your birth certificate.
Me: “and your postal code?”
SC: “Uh…..huh?”
Me: “What’s your postal code please?”
SC: “….uh…..box 25.”
Me: “Alright, but I need your postal code please.”
SC: “Ummmm……uh…..ah! <click>”
Ah, I see my complex riddles and deep, philosophical inquiries have completely overridden your tiny, feeble, rodent like mind. Please accept my humble apologies for failing to realize you were on a mental level around that of a damp, unassembled Ikea bed frame. I should never have given you the benefit of the doubt that you at the very least could figure out where you live.
I'm so confused.
Me: “Good evening, <company>. Are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “I don’t know.”
Well, you have roughly 6 seconds to figure it out. That is the extent of my generosity this evening. Use this time wisely to discover yourself and/or your purpose here. If that is too difficult, feel free to piddle this allotted time away by curiously picking lint out of your navel. After which point I shall terminate this call and you may return to your simple, confused existence.
..the what alarm?
Me: “Alright, and what kind of alarm are you getting?”
SC: “Missing clothes.”
Me: “…missing clothes? You mean late to close?”
SC: “...er....yeah.”
That makes a lot more sense than “Someone’s trippin’ the nudie alarm”.
867
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “I wanna place an order.”
Me: “Alright, and what’s your name please?”
SC: “Susie”
Oh oh, she’s decided to insert another coin and try again.
Me: “and your postal code please?”
SC: “xxx xxx”
Success! Truly, this is a triumph for all mankind! The hurdle has been jumped! The wall has been broken down! The Kraft Dinner Easy Mac has been successfully microwaved in time for WWE Monday Night Raw!
( She gets through the ENTIRE order, etc etc, right up to the end..... )
Me: “Ok, and will that be by credit card or COD?”
SC: “Uh…..ummm….what?”
Me: “By credit card or by COD?”
SC: “Credit card?”
Me: “Ok, by which credit card?”
SC: “Uhh….um…..ah! <click>”
SO CLOSE.
+LCK
SC:: “Do you still have the tickets in consecutively numbers when you order packs?”
Me: : “Yes we do.”
SC: “GAH! I wish you wouldn’t do that! I’ll just take one then!”
Ah yes, I forgot about that. Consecutive numbers are the very font of misfortune. Whereas random numbers somehow double or even triple your chance of winning. It’s like +300% Luck. If you can clench a horseshoe between your ass cheeks for the entire duration of the call, +25%. Lick a troll doll before the draw, +25%. Clap your hands four times, spin in a circle and invoke the true name of Ra before calling, +50%. Physically go down on Buddha while on the phone, +75%. Kidnap a small, rotund man, dress him in a Leprechaun outfit and keep him handcuffed in your basement without any pants until the draw while uploading videos of him singing Irish pub songs at knife point to Youtube, +200%.
Follow this handy guide and you too could be the lucky winner of a secondary prize piece of durable $50 luggage.
DON'T TAZE ME, BRO~!
SC: “Yeah the cops are giving my girlfriend a 24 hour license suspension and they’re towing her car! Is that legal?”
Me: “I’m afraid I can’t give you legal advice, I’m not an attorney. Are you a client of ours?”
SC: “<to the background> My attorney says this is illegal!”
Officer: “Sir, please stay on the sidewalk.”
Oh, you did not just lie to a police officer about me.
Me: “I said I cannot give you legal advice. I am not an attorney. Are you a client of ours?”
SC: “You can’t tow it, my attorney’s coming to get her car!”
Officer: “Please stay over there on the sidewalk.”
SC: “Yeah, <lawyer> is my attorney. He’s been my attorney for like 10 years. I’ve paid him thousands of dollars.”
Me: “Ok, one sec I’ll see if <lawyer> is available.”
SC: “Hey! What’s your badge number?!”
Officer: “Sir, stay on the sidewalk.”
SC: “Isn’t he required to give me his badge number?! What’s your badge number!?”
Officer: “We don’t have time for this right now, my badge number will be on the arrest papers when we get to the station.”
SC: “He won’t give me his badge number, isn’t he required to give me that?!”
Me: “He may not be required to at the moment, but it will be on the arrest papers so-“
SC: “My attorney wants your badge number!”
Stop that you mouthy little cocktwiddle. I want no part of your this or the pepper spray its hopefully inviting.
Officer: “Stay on the sidewalk!”
Me: “I’ll see if <lawyer> is available, one sec.”
SC: “Yeah, would you? This cop is being like really intimidating and what not for no reason.”
Gee, I wonder why? It’s not like you’re a case study in why police brutality occurs or anything.
Me: “Ok, doesn’t seem like <lawyer> is available. I’ll have to leave a message for him. What was she being arrested for?”
SC: “Um, drinking and driving. Did you blow over?”
SC's girlfriend: “Yeah.”
SC: “Yeah, DUI. But it’s nothing. She was drinking but that was like 24 hours ago.”
You’re trying to tell me that she was drinking so heavily she’s still legally intoxicated 24 hours later? Were you doing Listerine Jello shooters or something? Shouldn’t she be in the hospital at this point?
SC: “My attorney wants to talk to you!”
Officer: “Stay on the SIDEWALK!"
No, no he doesn’t. I’m not your attorney. Stop it. You invite this at your own peril. Even if you do succeed in getting the officer on the phone I will very quickly inform him that I am not your attorney, I said nothing of the sort and that you are a lying little ass weasel.
SC: “<Yes, to the officer..> Fine then, you sack of SHIT!!”
Me: “……”
SC: “I don’t know what his problem is. This officer really has it out for me, seriously. Abuse of authority.”
Ever wonder why you keep hearing news stories about some guy getting tazed 7 or 8 times? Well wonder no more.
867
Me: “Ok, by credit card or COD?”
SC: “COD.”
Me: “Alright, that comes to $244 and should arrive in about two weeks.”
SC: “Ok, thanks.”
5 minutes later.
Me: “Good evening, <company>.”
SC: “Um, yeah, I just placed an order.”
Me: “Alright.”
SC: “Is $244 like…the total with the shipping and uh taxes and stuff?”
Me: “…yes.”
SC:“and I just like pay for with cash when it gets here?”
Me: “….yes.”
SC: “Ok, bye.”
Glad we were able to clear up the blindingly obvious for you. If you need any more help with say…figuring out if the sky is blue or wondering if water is wet, feel free to call back. I’m here all night.
TEH BLOOD
( Yes, he's serious. This is a property management emergency line. )
SC: “Yeah, I called earlier about the hose being left on. Is anyone going to do anything about it!?”
Me: “Let me check……hmm, unfortunately it wasn’t considered an emergency-”
SC: “What?! BUT THE HOUSE IS BLEEDING WATER@~#$%!”
Sooo…..turn the hose off? I mean, I’ve seen hoses before. Why, when I was young I even played with them despite how much of a clearly dangerous beast they may seem. They aren’t that complicated. If you turn the valve one way, you get less water. Turn it the other way, you get more water. I know the fearsome rubber yard serpent seems complex on the surface, but it’s not, really. Trust me. Just walk up and carefully put your hand on the valve. It won’t bite. Now, turn the valve until the water stops. Don’t worry, if you get more water, just turn it in the other direction. There’s really only two ways it will go.
As I said, I'm here all night if you need any more help. If you're having trouble figuring out how to zip up your pants or flush a toilet or something, by all means just call and ask.
annnd I rest....
"
rb
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