"Waah", and other stories from massochism land

[KhirasHY]

Ah, another fine, fine week in hotel land...in no particular order, let's get started!

I am not your father...

For some reason, everyone at my work has this weird "daddy complex" with me. Whenever anything happens in any department, I immediately become involved directly. This applies to everything, from being their personal psychologist, bragging station ("dude, this chick I went out with..."), bitch recipient, etc.

This week's Daddy Moment? I got to hear from 4 different people the story about how one of them got too drunk and started a fight with 2 people. The 4th person tells me the story to try and get advice on how to fix it, since he was the drunk one.

Try...not getting hammered? Maybe they ask me these things because I have no reservations about calling them dipshits when the term applies. I love alcohol too, but if you're an angry drunk...cut down a bit.

You...I mean I...what?

First drunk guy of the week! Let's enter the lightning round, buddy! Are you going to...

A) Grab a woman's breasts
B) Piss your pants
C) Crap your pants
D) Fall over and cry

Wtf...you just answered yes!?!? Mother fucker! Let's key off the charges he left with: Sexual assault, public intoxication, disturbing the peace. Ooo...what a winner. The conversations with him were great too...we understood about 6 words total over 15 minutes of time. I did feel bad for the cop who had to put him in his car though...

It's not beer, it's piss water.

Day 2 got me in an argument with some jackass kid (barely 21) who insisted that the Corona Light beer we would not let him bring into the hotel (Colorado Liquor Laws prevent it) was "too good" to leave in his car, or in storage overnight. Buddy...let me educate you on something, Corona is not "too good" for anything. Personally, I see Corona as a type of punishment if you're actually willing to drink it.

Bring in a case of Smithwicks and maybe I'll agree with you a bit more. I won't let you bring it in, but I might agree and applaud your choice of beer over piss water.

What!? I'm a stickler about my beer.

*sigh* You guys are going to give me health problems...

Tonight, as I walk in, our off duty police help and some of my guys are dealing with an issue. I check in, get some details (domestic argument, but no assault), see that it's being handled right, and back off...they are doing just fine without me poking my nose in, and it's good to give my people freedom like that The guy does the right thing and goes away, and his girlfriend is going to be picked up by someone. Problem is, "someone" is hours away, and they can't baby sit her that long, so they make the offer of having her go into a separate room at a really low rate (we helped a lot), and they stay separate for the night.

Girl flips out, starts screaming, insulting everyone...it's good to see that she's such a charmer! Finally, the police are getting sick of it, and tell her in no uncertain terms that it's shut up time...and she pushes one of my employees in her alcohol-fueled rage. Oops, detox time!

That part isn't said over the radio, so I'm working on papers and suddenly hear here around the corner, "Give me a breathalyzer, I'll prove you I'm not drunk!"



We put her in the back of my office, and then proceed to call someone to take her to detox. It takes about 10 minutes for them to get here, and we are all there to hear the following conversation (and no, I'm not exaggerating):

"I don-waaaghuurrrrmm...uhhmmmm.....waaaaaauuuuummm...would he do this to me!? Uuuuhhh.....Iraq....uuhhgggggmmm......even call him!?"

Repeat the above of her asking those two garbled questions as she bawls since she's too drunk to combine words in a manner that humans have ever done. Meanwhile, she doesn't seem to notice that no one in the room is talking to her, and we're chatting about football.

Bonus round: boyfriend finally comes back and finds out what happened...and he thinks it's funny as hell. Class act. May you two have a long and bountiful marriage.

My love for you is like a truck

But if you try to touch my c*&k ever again (yes, I caught them going for it beforehand and put a stop to that), I will rip your goddamn arms off and beat your parents about the head and face for ever producing you. This is why I carry sharp objects...

A *little* upset!?

Co-Worker: Khiras...I need your help man.
Me: What's up?
CW: We have someone at the desk who's being walked, and she's a little upset.
Me: You're here talking to me, so I assume that "a little upset" means I'm going to get screamed at?
CW: Uh...yeah...she throw some of her bags and kicked them over in the lobby and she's...a bit loud.
Me: Great...I'm coming.
CW: Um...also, she was apparently here a few days ago, and (other co-worker) stored 2 bags for her...but we don't know where. They aren't in the bell closet.
Me: <stare>
CW: He didn't tell us anything about them, so...
Me: <sigh> Ok, let's go.

In a miraculous turn of events, I introduce myself to the guest and talk to her...and apparently she got a lot of it out of her system. While I was talking to her, someone thankfully found her stuff, and I went with her to the hotel she was being walked to, trying to smooth things over. I even got her some free stuff sent to her room, and she was actually pretty happy afterward.

That whole daddy thing? Yeah, that happens for angry people too. "Let Daddy fix it!" Fuckers.

Ambien

Ambien. Farking Ambien. I absolutely HATE Ambien. I neither need nor use it, but every now and then, someone stays here who takes Ambien...and let me tell you folks, there are some people who experience a strange side effect (not all...for some, it works just fine). The people who have these side effects generally report that they are active (ie, not asleep), and in many cases they will hallucinate, or act completely different with no memory of it at all. I've seen recorded cases of people shopping, eating, drinking, driving, and more after it took effect, so I'd heard of this possibility.

I get a call from a worried husband who got an e-mail from his wife saying she had cut herself and there was blood everywhere, "send help so I can get to sleep!" He calls us, and we go up...and she's fine, but you can immediately tell she's not "all there". She talks to us about how they are coming to get us, they will cut up everyone in the hotel unless she goes to sleep. We're debating calling an ambulance to be careful, when suddenly she almost collapses and has to be caught by us. The "sleep" part of "sleeping pill" finally took effect! I call her husband to be sure, and he says she'll be ok from then on.

I called her this morning and she's fine, and sure enough, she didn't remember any of it, but at least she thanked us for the help...

I hate Ambien. I can't help but wonder if, some day, I'm going to be "sleep murdered."

The Cockroach

We had a hobo come into the hotel, and I'll be damned, we were right on his tail...then he just vanished on me. Thought he went into the bathrooms, so we searched, but it turns out he took a right instead of a left, and we just barely missed him. Almost never happens to me! ><

I end up looking on the cameras until I find him, he's tucked himself into a stairwell to get some sleep. Uncle Khiras is not amused.



Luckily, my favorite cop AD (see War Stories for a fun story about her) is on property to get coffee! She comes up and finds him, but he hears us coming and is about to run...

Me: (Without even thinking) Don't even think about moving fucker, don't you even...

I guess I sounded a lot harsher than usual, since he stared at me with pie plates for eyes, AD chuckled a bit evilly, and both of my employees that were there took a step back. What can I say...I have a deep voice that tends to growl when I snap at people.

AD cuffs and searches him, cringing the whole time (he smells, badly) and then we walk him out of the hotel. AD is in a bad mood though, so she gladly informs him the whole way out that "the hotel doesn't appreciate it when they find cockroaches in their stairwells." Meanwhile, the rest of us are just grinning and laughing a bit.

I found a soundclip of "La Cucharacha" and played it over the phone to her cell phone a little while later...she came back to the hotel and handcuffed me to a luggage cart for a while as vengeance Totally worth it.


That's all so far this week, I'll add more later if we get anything else tonight.

[LingualMonkey]

It's not beer, it's piss water.

Day 2 got me in an argument with some jackass kid (barely 21) who insisted that the Corona Light beer we would not let him bring into the hotel (Colorado Liquor Laws prevent it) was "too good" to leave in his car, or in storage overnight. Buddy...let me educate you on something, Corona is not "too good" for anything. Personally, I see Corona as a type of punishment if you're actually willing to drink it.

Bring in a case of Smithwicks and maybe I'll agree with you a bit more. I won't let you bring it in, but I might agree and applaud your choice of beer over piss water.

What!? I'm a stickler about my beer.

A-friggin'-men!

It astonishes me that people will not only drink that swill, they'll actually pay good money for it when they could grab something that didn't taste like the chupacabra yacked it up.

[KhirasHY]

Wow...that could be the first time the chupacabra has appeared in one of my threads.

I'm not sure if this makes me happy or fearful.

[Sliceanddice]

Ambien

Ambien. Farking Ambien. I absolutely HATE Ambien. I neither need nor use it, but every now and then, someone stays here who takes Ambien...and let me tell you folks, there are some people who experience a strange side effect (not all...for some, it works just fine). The people who have these side effects generally report that they are active (ie, not asleep), and in many cases they will hallucinate, or act completely different with no memory of it at all. I've seen recorded cases of people shopping, eating, drinking, driving, and more after it took effect, so I'd heard of this possibility.

I get a call from a worried husband who got an e-mail from his wife saying she had cut herself and there was blood everywhere, "send help so I can get to sleep!" He calls us, and we go up...and she's fine, but you can immediately tell she's not "all there". She talks to us about how they are coming to get us, they will cut up everyone in the hotel unless she goes to sleep. We're debating calling an ambulance to be careful, when suddenly she almost collapses and has to be caught by us. The "sleep" part of "sleeping pill" finally took effect! I call her husband to be sure, and he says she'll be ok from then on.

I called her this morning and she's fine, and sure enough, she didn't remember any of it, but at least she thanked us for the help...

I hate Ambien. I can't help but wonder if, some day, I'm going to be "sleep murdered."

ive needed sleeping pills in the past but i really rather take tylenol PM because i am A) Uber sensetive to drugs except for vicaden... 2) ive taken serquel (with out a prescription)and got the omg if you ahve this reaction you really so see a doctor to make sure your heart doesnt expoled reaction and Egg) im a light weight apprently and half a xanax will give me happy sleep (or when taken with muscle relaxer cool purple walrus who speak french and belly dance) for 3 days....

[Eric the Grey]

It's not beer, it's piss water.

<. . .>

What!? I'm a stickler about my beer.

Of course, that assumes ANY beer is worthwhile, but I'll let that slide.

Bonus round: boyfriend finally comes back and finds out what happened...and he thinks it's funny as hell. Class act. May you two have a long and bountiful marriage.

What are you thinking? You want them to reproduce?



Eric the Grey

[JoitheArtist]

I found a soundclip of "La Cucharacha" and played it over the phone to her cell phone a little while later...

Wow...that could be the first time the chupacabra has appeared in one of my threads.

Great. Just great. Now not only do I have that dumb song stuck in my head, but it's stuck in my head as "La Chupacabra."

thanks a lot.

[KhirasHY]

Why, 'cause of mah SKINS!?

WHARRGARBL!!! I knew I couldn't get out of this one without another. We get noise complaints from a huge party in the hotel...walk up and they're smoking both inside and outside the room, and you can hear them anywhere on the floor it's so loud.



So we give them the warning and I tell them right there that they've been charged a cleaning fee for smoking in the room and hallways, and

Their recourse? "It's because we're latino, huh!?" Bonus, it took them 2 hours to think this reply up and call it down to me.



And, as a special bonus, apparently they somehow got a free stay certificate in the past, so they're not paying for their 2 rooms. I'll be amazed if I don't throw them out tonight, but miracles have happened before...

Edit: DAMNIT! I knew I couldn't get away from them!

Harroween! Harrowing?

Ok, I'm normally a pretty calm and collected guy, but at this point I have now been rubbed up against (and, I should mention, very nearly in a fight with) 3 people in costume. All three surprised me, which means that automatic reactions suddenly activated, and I am a very jumpy fellow when someone grabs onto me from behind. All three of them rather suddenly found themselves acquainted with the floor since my reaction is a very simple process:

Step 1: My hand comes up with full force towards the throat of the person who just grabbed me.
Step 2: My foot curls around behind their calves and plants there.
Step 3: I push outward and downward as hard as I can.

This is almost impossible for me to stop, it's an instant reaction in most cases because you just don't grab someone from behind and start mounting them like that. All three happened on camera, and I helped them up (despite me going to their throat, it's more because it's a good way to get them to swing their head away from me, making it easier to drop them...I didn't hurt any of them). I then made sure they understood this particular object lesson by informing them that what they were doing was an act of assault, that they were on camera, and that if they ever touched someone in my building again, their next visit would be a jail.

Amazingly, none of them became SCs. Yet. I'm not a small guy, so I'm sure they'll complain once I'm gone...too bad my new division manager is bigger than I am.

I love Halloween, but I also hate most of the human population with a passion.

[Stryker One]

Slap my ass, pull my hair.

she came back to the hotel and handcuffed me to a luggage cart for a while

So, I see you're into bondage.

[Evil Queen]

Bondage, huh?

Khiras, Have I mentioned I think you have a very sexy posting voice? As for the defensive, I do the foot thing too. It's the best way for little ol' me to trip someone up -- because after you've hooked your foot into the back of their knee and yank forward, they fall backwards and you can effectively body slam them.

I also hate Ambian. Welcome to the fucking club.

[Imogene]

I get a call from a worried husband who got an e-mail from his wife saying she had cut herself and there was blood everywhere, "send help so I can get to sleep!"

I'm confused, guy who called got an email from his wife, who he is NOT with? And wife said she cut herself?
You got to the room, where was the blood? Who's actually crazy in this scenario?

[JoitheArtist]

This is almost impossible for me to stop, it's an instant reaction in most cases because you just don't grab someone from behind and start mounting them like that.

I surprised myself when I discovered that I have a similar reaction. I do NOT like people touching me 98% of the time, and never unexpectedly, and NEVER when I can't see them.

So I was on this youth group trip in high school, and I'm definitely not the most popular kid there, so most people just leave me alone. Fine by me. But one time I was standing in the aisle of the bus (not while it was moving), and felt someone JUMP on my BACK and wrap their arms around my throat.

One second later, I've thrown the annoying 7th grader off me, tossed him back against the row of seats, and have my forearm pressed against his throat. I had no idea I could do that...

Yeah, the brat didn't touch me again. Idiot.

[NightWatch]

Ambien is of the devil. One of my friends takes it. She's only supposed to take half of one pill. One night she kept forgetting that she'd taken it cuz she was all fuckered up on it and ended up taking 3 and 1/2 pills. I hate Ambien.

[Dave1982]

The 4th person tells me the story to try and get advice on how to fix it, since he was the drunk one.

Try...not getting hammered?

Reminds me of a scene from Liar Liar.

"It's Skull. He's knocked over another ATM, this time at knifepoint. He needs your legal advice."

Jim Carrey: "STOP BREAKIN' THE LAW, ASSHOLE!!!!!!!"

[fireheart]

Ah, another fine, fine week in hotel land...in no particular order, let's get started!

I am not your father...

For some reason, everyone at my work has this weird "daddy complex" with me.

Daddy Khiras....EQ is beating me over the head with salmon!

It's not beer, it's piss water.

Buddy...let me educate you on something, Corona is not "too good" for anything. Personally, I see Corona as a type of punishment if you're actually willing to drink it.

And yet, some guy at my work walked out with a carton of it, resulting in my manager going flying over the service desk to chase after the guy. It has now become infamous at work and synonymous with the code for theft.

That part isn't said over the radio, so I'm working on papers and suddenly hear here around the corner, "Give me a breathalyzer, I'll prove you I'm not drunk!"

that definitely sounds like someone drunk. It's kind of like someone guilty of stealing going "OK, do a strip search on me and I'll show you I haven't got anything!" Person then proceeds to drop all.

My love for you is like a truck

But if you try to touch my c*&k ever again (yes, I caught them going for it beforehand and put a stop to that), I will rip your goddamn arms off and beat your parents about the head and face for ever producing you. This is why I carry sharp objects...

Can I touch it?

I hate Ambien. I can't help but wonder if, some day, I'm going to be "sleep murdered."

This is why when I was on sleeping meds, I spent the first night out on the couch in the family room so if I was having any hallucinations, assistance was easier.

I found a soundclip of "La Cucharacha" and played it over the phone to her cell phone a little while later...she came back to the hotel and handcuffed me to a luggage cart for a while as vengeance Totally worth it.

Nice to know your tastes I once tortured a coworker by humming "Elmo's World" repeatedly.

[KhirasHY]

I'm confused, guy who called got an email from his wife, who he is NOT with? And wife said she cut herself?
You got to the room, where was the blood? Who's actually crazy in this scenario?

No one, really...it's a sporatic problem with Ambien in particular (google "ambien problems"). The wife was in the hotel, the husband was home, but after she took the pill, she went into a state I can only describe as psychosis. She was still awake, but her "normal" mind was asleep. A lot of people who have this problem have done every thing you can imagine...playing games, having sex, driving, you name it. They wake up later and have no idea what they did, but sometimes they display personalities or behaviors that are radically different than normal.

So, the wife (while in this psychosis) believed that she had cut herself and was bleeding everywhere, and so she sent the message to her husband. In reality, there was no cut and no blood...she was hallucinating from the effects. Not sure of the percentage, but it does happen to some people.