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Just...need to get it out.

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  • Just...need to get it out.

    I think something in me snapped this morning. The thought of spending one more day in a classroom with kids who don't care raised by parents who care even less makes me sick. I can't go in tomorrow. I cannot do it...but I will anyway.
    I was supposed to have job security this year....but they "went in another direction." What the fuck does that even mean? I don't have a degree from a fancy school so I'm not a good teacher but that asshole help a student cheat on a test and destroy 200 brand new books but he's so fucking wonderful because of where he went to school? That's all I heard about him his first year--his fucking major and the school he got it from.
    And now this place? How the hell am I supposed to not give up on a kid when they've already given up on themselves? I'm sorry....you can't expect me to reach every single kid every single time and teach poetry. The Dead Poet's Society is fictional. How much more of my soul do you plan on sucking out of me??
    Oh, let's not forget all the money I still need to throw towards another degree I "need" to renew my liscence. This job is too fucking expensive to keep, but pays too well to leave--how does that even work??

    And then to really illustrate what a worthless asshole I am my cat accidentally scratched up my foot when he ran across it and I kicked him. Thankfully I didn't hurt him, it wasn't hard, but he looked up at me with a "mom, why?" look and let me clutch him as I bawled on the floor. He's an awesome cat and I don't deserve him.

    I always feel dead and trapped from November to May and I just can't do it anymore. But what else am I going to do?

  • #2
    Well you could quit...but hear me out. I know a few teachers around here who are making more as a afterhour tutor then they were teaching. So that might be a good idea.

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    • #3
      Quoth Shroo View Post
      I always feel dead and trapped from November to May and I just can't do it anymore. But what else am I going to do?
      And, once again- I'll tell the story of my Aunt.

      She was a High School English teacher and she hated it with a passion. She would come home and cry out of sheer frustration every night.

      One day she came home, extremely happy, and announced, "I quit my teaching job and joined the military!" She loved it, never looked back and stayed in until retirement. The military trained her and paid for her schooling to be a nurse.

      Now she's an RN- which are always in high demand in any economy- and she makes a LOT of money doing in home care. Which mostly means she sits bedside reading a book.
      "I don't want any part of your crazy cult! I'm already a member of the public library and that's good enough for me, thanks!"

      ~TechSmith 314
      HellGate: London

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      • #4
        As the mom of two special needs kids (one has asperger's, the other has severe dyslexia and bipolar disorder), I'd rather my kids' teachers quit if they're THAT unhappy in their work. Because if you're really that unhappy, it's coming across in your teaching, which is not good for you, and it's not good for the kids in your care.

        I'm not trying to say that being unhappy makes you a terrible teacher or that you're a bad person for staying there if you're unhappy.... Maybe I've worded it badly above, but ultimately YOU will be better off if you find other employment.
        GK/Kara/Jester fangirl.

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        • #5
          To answer you, you do deserve your awesome cat. We unfortunately sometimes lash out at people / creatures we love when we're angry with something else. As you saw, your kitty forgave you. However, you do need to quit your job and find something else. Join the army, go back to school and pick up a different profession... something. If you're that desperately unhappy where you are, no amount of money is worth staying.

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          • #6
            I'm sorry. Is there a reliable teacher you can talk to? Another position, perhaps non-instructional--that you can move to?

            Can you take a sabbatical to sort your thoughts/look for a new job, or do you have no job security whatsoever? Staying in a teaching position when you are not happy is not good for you and it's not good for your students.

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            • #7
              Thank you for the responses. I really do appreciate all the advice. I wrote this mostly when I was at a huge low last night and I think a lot of it was more of a purge; to be honest winter has fucked with me for a long long time and I think I might have to be honest with myself and go see a doctor about depression. Whiel that's not all of it, I have a feeling it is part of it.

              Unfortunately just finding another job is a lot easier said than done. I support myself and at the moment my parents are in no condition to help me. Honestly, I would love to go back to grad school and become a librarian (I'd want to work in a high school library), but right now that doesn't seem to be in the cards (military isn't an option for me).

              What messes with my head the most is that I love teaching--the "oh yeah! I get it!" look is my favorite, and I love when I can get a student excited about literature. I used to teach my classes how to sword fight when I taught Shakespeare, they loved it! Fourteen year old boys were getting into Romeo and Juliet, it was awesome. I have always tried very hard not to let any negative feelings enter my teaching; if I was having a bad day I would whip up some creative classwork so I could take a small break without breaking. Actually some of my favorite activities came from those days.

              I just don't feel that same excitement this year and it's like the more I give the less they care. Not to mention:
              *I went from teaching in a small town to teaching in a city.
              *I went from teaching high school grades (9--12) to teaching a younger grade...that lovely age when they first start to get hormonal.
              *I didn't start on day one. There were several different subs at first and no order to anything. That was fun.
              *There are legal issues in the school.
              *This is not a good group of kids. My coworkers are having the same problems with the same students and nothing is being done (we have had multiple parent meetings that seemed productive for the first day...)
              *As stupid as this sounds--I miss my friends. This is a huge school with tons of teachers and it's kind of clique-y.
              *I also really miss the students who ran up to me in the hallway with a huge grin and a "I miss your class! Can I come visit after school?" That always made my day.
              *It's midterm season. Midterm season sucks.


              I did have a small breakdown in my department head's office today. I talked about some problem students, the lack of action, and some of my frustration with myself for not being able to control some problem kids. He then very nicely told me I was an idiot for not coming to him sooner because he was there to help me. My last department head was a raving lunatic, it's hard for me to go to my boss and say "I'm having trouble, please help me." It was a really nice conversation with him, and it did make me feel a lot better about things.


              So...sorry for the whiney, but thank you all for the suggestions; I am going to look into my other options but right now I just hate the idea of giving up on something I worked so hard for.

              Comment


              • #8
                Shroo,
                *hugs and homemade brownies*

                You have done a bit of work already. You've sat down and identified some of the crap that's floating in your head, bothering you. Can you expand that further? Let's say - each of your bullets gets a page in a journal/book. That page in Le Book is for either venting or planning a fix for it, or learning how to cope on it?

                Winter is always hard for me, there isn't enough sunlight to go around. To be proactive about it, my bf and I installed full spectrum lightbulbs in our apartment. They seem to help take off the edge of GRR for my SAD. I also am on anti depressants (reg depression and SAD together) that help me keep my head level. Not saying you should pop pills, but maybe take a look at a light box, a full spectrum bulb set, and ....garden in doors. We grow catnip and herbs, and right now I've got 2 kitties under a plant lamp guarding the 'nip. (well, they're sleeping..but doing good)

                Give yourself at least 3 mon/90 days before doing something drastic and off the wall. Make some appointments with a counselor, help flesh out those floating thoughts, and work a bit with your department head. See what you two can come up with regarding the problem children and the legal crud.

                Oh, and during that timeframe, go sniff out being a librarian. What would it take?

                Cutenoob
                In my heart, in my soul, I'm a woman for rock & roll.
                She's as fast as slugs on barbituates.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Don't forget to take advantage of any local resources. If you are religious, contact your spiritual counselor. Get out and do things that don't keep you home, at school, or would otherwise remind you of work. If you are semi-close with a fellow educator, get their thoughts on peer support and who you might talk to. I'm afraid I don't have a lot to offer you except best wishes. Although I earned my teaching degree, I never started teaching because it didn't feel right for me and the work is a lot harder than it looks. You have my respect and best of luck you you!
                  A lion however, will only devour your corpse, whereas an SC is not sated until they have destroyed your soul. (Quote per infinitemonkies)

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                  • #10
                    Check the General Work Chat subforum about advice - I put a bunch of stuff about depression in fireheart's thread about "Mental health and checkouts" (I think that was the title).

                    DO see a counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist (maybe), priest/minister/rabbi/imam with psychological training, or equivalent about stress management and stress reduction.

                    Teaching is a vital profession. Absolutely essential. It's also one of the more stressful professions. Learning stress management techniques is essential to your career development. It will also improve your life generally.
                    Seshat's self-help guide:
                    1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                    2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                    3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                    4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                    "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

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                    • #11
                      Quoth Hanzoku View Post
                      To answer you, you do deserve your awesome cat. We unfortunately sometimes lash out at people / creatures we love when we're angry with something else. As you saw, your kitty forgave you. However, you do need to quit your job and find something else. Join the army, go back to school and pick up a different profession... something. If you're that desperately unhappy where you are, no amount of money is worth staying.
                      I agree with what Hanzoku said 100%. That fact that you instantly felt bad,you're just a good person who had a bad day. Don't sweat it.

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