22 year old girl who doesn't know if she's ready....(LONG)

[Despina83]

I'm a 22 year old (closer to 23, actually) who has never dated. Ever. Wow, where to begin here...

In grade school I was always extremely shy and around the time I was nine or ten years old I started getting bullied and teased ruthlessly. When sixth grade began, it started to even get physical. My parents saw that I was coming home every day crying and talking about how I wanted to blow up and kill my classmates, so they decided to homeschool me. I left school without any real friends (just one who betrayed me and turned out to be a terrible "friend") and I never made any real friends in all the years since. That's right, I'm almost 23 now. I spent the rest of my school years being isolated. My parents tried to get me into all those homeschool groups to make friends, but I never clicked with any of the kids there. They were all really religious conservative kids and I was the opposite of them, so I couldn't bond.

There was a period when I was a pre-teen where I had a neighborhood playmate but her family was always on the go and I didn't get to see her very much. Around the age of 13 and 14 I was even spending my time hanging out with the four year old girl across the street, playing dolls and watching Telletubbies with her. That's how desperate I was. Naturally, this girls' parents would ask me "Don't you have any friends your age?" No, I didn't.

Anyway, back to the present. Living so isolated and being spoiled by well-meaning parents, I didn't get off my ass and get a job until I was 19 years old. Close to 20, actually. A big part of that wasn't just laziness but because I was scared. My first job was at Target as a cashier, and you can read all my tales of suck from there-there's lots of 'em. So with my Target job I had "re-entered", so to speak, the real world. Only to realize that I had social anxiety disorder and was afraid of my own customers. I had difficult looking them in the eye and making conversation, and after almost two years on the job, I was sacked for not being "friendly" enough.

Almost eight months ago I got my second job-working at a Meijer store next to the Target I got fired from. I still am suffering from social anxiety. My nerves have actually caused numerous health problems, including pelvic floor dysfunction which makes it so I can't properly void my bladder and have to go almost all the time, and a fucked up back from bad posture and tension. I would get so depressed because I thought not only would I never make any friends, but no guy would ever like me.

Enter a guy at work that I began noticing was always staring at me. A co-worker revealed that this guy liked me and we began chatting on MySpace. This was back at the end of December. We became good friends and while we've never hung out, I would take my breaks with him at work and chat almost every night with him, sometimes for three hours at a time. He said he wanted to talk to me for months but figured I had a boyfriend already, as "beautiful" as I am (which I disagree with, but is extremely flattering). Well I always hated my job and having a friend there who paid attention to me made me look forward to going to work. Well, he landed a new job. Now I don't get to see him at work anymore. I congratulated him but privately cried when I found out. Twice. He says he misses me like crazy and thinks about me all the time. He says I'm the only one he wants to be with. He wants to date. Everybody at work asks if we're dating, too. The problem is, I don't know if I'm emotionally ready to start dating.

Let's face the facts: I don't have any real friends outside of the internet. Therefore, with this guy talking to me now, I feel like I'm becoming emotionally dependant on him or something. Tonight he chatted with me for an hour and when he had to go I cried a little. It's pathetic how lonely I am. I'd be afraid that I'd be a clingy, needy girlfriend or something. Although he says he wouldn't care . A big thing is I don't know if I like the guy. I never paid attention to him until I realized that he liked me. I'm afraid that I only like him because he likes me. I have a tendency to start liking people who like me. Chalk that up to low self esteem. I'm just not sure if I want to be more than friends with him.

I'm so scared of getting into a relationship and then being hurt. But moreso, I'm afraid of getting into a relationship and hurting him. I'd rather chew my arm off then to unintentionally hurt him. So I'm hesitatnt to start dating him.

Another big reason why I'm afraid to start dating is my dear old dad. I don't get along with my dad. At all. He's extremely over-bearing and short tempered. I have a LOT of anger towards him and baggage because he used to get upset with me when I was a kid and verbally abuse me sometimes to the point where I'd be terrified that he would hurt or kill me and would beg him not to hurt me. He had a lot of anger problems and said some terrible things that I'll never forget. I have so much anger towards him that I yell loudly in my sleep, sometimes even obscenties.

I know I'm old enough to date to say the least, and it's none of my dad's buisiness at this point if I start a relationship with a guy. But I don't want to open up that can of worms with my dad...he'd want to play 20 questions with the guy, scrutizine every detail of him (did I mention how over-protective my dad is?). It would be so embarrassing. I wish my dad would just go live overseas so I can date without him freaking out about it and whining that the guy's not good enough for me, etc. So as of now, he doesn't know about this guy and I'm not looking forward to the day he does find out. I mean, he knows I have to start dating now, but he'd just be so unbearable and over-bearing about it. So afraid to let me go, I guess.

So to sum up the curent situation:

1. I'm super-depressed because not only do I have raging PMS, but I'm confused because I can't decide if I want to start dating or if I should and if I like the guy that way....

2. I'm super depressed because I don't get to see this guy anymore now that he has a new job. I miss him like crazy. I don't know if it's HIM that I miss, or just someone who pays attention and flatters me. More confusion. All I know is I've cried numerous times because I miss seeing this guy, and he's going crazy from not seeing me.

3. I'm fustrated because it'll be so hard to date a guy with my dad over my shoulder

[Plaidman]

Yay love. Try not to take any advice. Never dated until I was 24. Never even kissed a girl til I was 24. I sucked at it. I am not a good dater. She dumped me. Moved on with utter ease. She's gettined married now. Yay her.

In my own private experence, girls only want
1: Good Body on guy
2: Good Money
3: Someone to pay attention to them
4: Never ever ever ever complain. Doesn't matter if you got fired, your cat ran over, you just found out that your adopted child of two people who just died. You can't shed a single tear of that No whiing anybout anything period.
4: Last, but not least, be great in bed.

If your aint ether of them, your screwed. This guy at least is number 3. He'll pay attention to you. Look, going on a date gets hearts broken. Period. Its going to happen. Some far worst then others. Hell there are those that crave it, just to feel normal. Just date the guy. You won't know until during the date if you like him for him, or you like him for how he pays attentions to you.

As for your dad, you are over 21 now. Let him your an adult, that he raised you well, and he shouldn't expect you to make mistakes all the time, and if you do, you know he'll be there.

[AdminAssistant]

On one hand, hey what do you have to lose? Take a chance, and all that jazz.

On the other hand...something about this guy seems sketchy. I can't put my finger on it. Hm. If you do decide to date him, take it very slowly. There is a certain breed of jackass that preys on girls with low self esteem. They'll butter them up real good, and then they have free sex for life. Or something like that. Well, it happened to me. I do think the fact that you're concerned about your own emotional maturity is telling.

Do you live with your parents? 'Cause if you're not living with them, then there's no reason for them to know, at least not yet.

[Hobbs]

Yay love. Try not to take any my advice.

fixed it for you.


As for me, reminds me of how I met my ex. She was a lot like you, even had/has a verbally abusive father. Took us a long time to date...don't really regret it, to tell you the truth.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Do you live with your parents? If your dad is very controlling like this, living with him will make dating difficult.

Remember that just because you are dating someone, does not mean you are marrying them. You have to do it to get comfortable with it. So date. Date people you are only marginally interested in. It gives you social practice, puts you in a place where you meet new people, and makes you more confident. It's just a date, it's not a contract or a commitment.

I will say this: Admin has a point. Clearly, you have confidence issues and it is true that there is a certain breed of dog that preys on that. If the guy tries to cultivate your lack of confidence, he is that breed of dog. Here's a good acid test: Don't have sex with him. Period. That should weed out the horndogs from the guys that honestly care about you. And that's not baggage you need at this point anyways, it will simply make you more vulnerable. So no screwing.

Plaidman, I like you. Your advice sucks, but I like you. Despina, ignore Plaid's above advice. Here's my advice for both you and him: you will date assholes and incompatable people. More than once. That does not mean everyone is incompatable or an asshole. It means you aren't done looking.

And you will not avoid hurting someone. You can avoid being cruel, but dating is a rough sport. Bruises happen. We survive and climb back into the mosh pit. That's the game.

Despina, I'm not usually one to advocate chemistry here, but you should like you could benefit from beta blockers or something similar to help deal with your anxiety. I've got friends who have anxiety disorders who have benefited from help that way.

[Flying Grype]

1) Dating is overrated. I didn't do it until I was 22. I've only dated two people.

2) Most of my friends are on the internet too. I met my fiance on the internet. People on the internet are still people and still real friends.

That said, people can also use the internet for unethical purposes -- misrepresenting themselves, making other people fall in love with a fake personality, even luring people into dangerous situations.

If you haven't met your internet friend in real life, and you want to, take along other friends or make it a group date with people you trust. Don't get yourself alone with him for the first few times you meet.

3) How can you 'hurt someone' by dating him? Seriously, is this your dad's voice telling you that you're an awful person and you should stay away from everyone? Tell him to shut up. That's an unrealistic and harmful way to think about yourself.

3b) You're an adult, so tell your dad to fuck off. If you already don't get along with your dad, stop trying to please him. It's time for you to take charge.

[blas]

Take a deep breath and relax.

You are not abnormal or weird or a freak. Love can find anyone at any age, and just because you didn't date when you were in high school or later teens does NOT mean that you aren't in your prime of life or aren't worthy.

Take it slow, take it easy. A boy likes you. Yay for you!

But before anything can go anywhere with any guy, you need to love and accept yourself. Get in front of the mirror every day, and say "I am beautiful", and BELIEVE it. You are young, beautiful, and worthy of any great guy.

[trailerparkmedic]

I love the advice that RecoveringKinkoid gave--what I want to say but so much better written.

I would like to add that if you think you have social anxiety to the point it's hurting you, can you see someone about it? There's being uncomfortable with people, and then there's what you're describing.

My general theory on life is that you'll never know if you like it if you don't try it at least once. Dating can be messy, hurtful and make you cry, but it can also be tons of fun and help you learn more about yourself.

As for your dad, I just wouldn't tell him. If you live at home, tell him you're going out with a friend and leave it at that.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Here's my advice for both you and him: you will date assholes and incompatable people. More than once. That does not mean everyone is incompatable or an asshole. It means you aren't done looking.

As Dan Savage says: Every relationship fails...until one doesn't.

If it makes you feel better, I didn't date anyone until the very end of high school. We broke up at the end of the summer and I didn't date anyone in college. Actually, the next guy I dated I was 25; then I got into my first serious relationship when I was 26. He was the first person I slept with. I've had 2 serious relationships since, and have been single for about 4 years. There's no timeline, no rules.

It does sound like you could benefit from some counseling, and possibly medication. Do you have health insurance? Most insurance covers some number of counseling sessions. If not, look into community organizations that charge on a sliding scale. You can also ask your regular doctor for referrals.

[Despina83]

Wow, thanks for all the replies.

First of all, I do have low self esteem but I would NEVER put up with a guy who doesn't treat me right or is jealous or controlling-period. If a guy tried to abuse me I would kick his ass. I deserve better than that, and I demand better than that.

This guy knows that I'm not easy and he's not going to get sex from me. He's fine with that and he says he likes that about me. He was engaged to a girl several years ago who screwed around behind his back and it broke his heart-he threw her out. He wants someone who he can trust, an old fashioned girl that hasn't been with every Tom Dick and Harry in town. He genuinelly seems to like me for me and not because he's looking to score. He's five years older than me...not ideal but the upside of that is that he's more mature than the guys my age are...he wants a real relationship, not just sex. I'm not religious at all (I'm actually agnostic, borderline atheist) but I still feel like I want to wait for marriage to have sex. I think that these days a lot of people have no respect for sex....it's not about fucking someone, it's about making love to someone that you feel strongly for and have a deep bond with. At least that's how I feel. And I'm glad that he agrees.

Of course, I know a guy can just say that and have other intentions, which is why I will have to be cautious....

I've been taking Prozac for anxiety and depression since I was a kid...I'm at the maximum dose, I believe. It does help a lot, others around me notice too. But obviously there's still a ways to go...unfortunately my health insurance is so lousy as to be almost non existant.

And yes, I am still living with my parents.

[Plaidman]

Go then. Go dating. Have fun. That is something that people dream off happening, but lack skills. So Go. Its going to be great.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Go hang out with him. Keep it casual and see what happens. Follow your instincts. Five years isn't much. My parents are five years apart (they were 25 and 30 when they got married). They'll have been married for 40 years in April. My last ex was 11 years older than me. I am most definitely the more mature one. Age is just a number.

[Eric the Grey]

Wow, thanks for all the replies.

First of all, I do have low self esteem but I would NEVER put up with a guy who doesn't treat me right or is jealous or controlling-period. If a guy tried to abuse me I would kick his ass. I deserve better than that, and I demand better than that.

Well, that sounds like you're not too badly messed up. It sounds more like nerves to me. Not necessarily a bad thing, and something that's much easier to get over.

Breaking the "never dated" barrier can be very tough. Take it from someone who never really dated until just before his 21's birthday. I was literally in bed (well, a pallet on the floor) with her on top of me (still clothed, we didn't sleep together that night) before I even had the thought "maybe she likes me..." and I was thoroughly terrified the whole while. I did however, reach up and kiss her. That broke the ice for the two of us. I'll also admit that I had to force myself to push through that barrier a few times later on in life. It gets easier, but the nerves never go away.

You're not the only one to go through issues, and I'm sure nobody has died from them. Let yourself experience a little human compassion, and keep hold of your beliefs. If your guy is on the up and up, you've met a rare person. Even if it doesn't work out, the experience will help on the next go round.



Eric the Grey

[Gravekeeper]

Hell, I've been single for a good 5-6 years now and I just turned 30 ( <whimper> ). You never lose the nerves. If you lost the nerves what fun would it be? =p.Heck I still blush if you throw a strange female into my personal space.

Still, you sound like you have a backbone in there, so there's no worry you'll be taken advantage of. Relationships can be daunting ( Especially the first one ) but really you aren't going to gain any experience and learn how you yourself handle it unless you try it. So I'll toss in another vote for "what have you got to lose?". Best case scenario you land a great boyfriend, worst case scenario you gain life experience, level up and use to land a great boyfriend.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained in this case me thinks. Good or bad, you'll need to take this step to move ahead in life.