I'm a 22 year old (closer to 23, actually) who has never dated. Ever. Wow, where to begin here...
In grade school I was always extremely shy and around the time I was nine or ten years old I started getting bullied and teased ruthlessly. When sixth grade began, it started to even get physical. My parents saw that I was coming home every day crying and talking about how I wanted to blow up and kill my classmates, so they decided to homeschool me. I left school without any real friends (just one who betrayed me and turned out to be a terrible "friend") and I never made any real friends in all the years since. That's right, I'm almost 23 now. I spent the rest of my school years being isolated. My parents tried to get me into all those homeschool groups to make friends, but I never clicked with any of the kids there. They were all really religious conservative kids and I was the opposite of them, so I couldn't bond.
There was a period when I was a pre-teen where I had a neighborhood playmate but her family was always on the go and I didn't get to see her very much. Around the age of 13 and 14 I was even spending my time hanging out with the four year old girl across the street, playing dolls and watching Telletubbies with her. That's how desperate I was. Naturally, this girls' parents would ask me "Don't you have any friends your age?" No, I didn't.
Anyway, back to the present. Living so isolated and being spoiled by well-meaning parents, I didn't get off my ass and get a job until I was 19 years old. Close to 20, actually. A big part of that wasn't just laziness but because I was scared. My first job was at Target as a cashier, and you can read all my tales of suck from there-there's lots of 'em. So with my Target job I had "re-entered", so to speak, the real world. Only to realize that I had social anxiety disorder and was afraid of my own customers. I had difficult looking them in the eye and making conversation, and after almost two years on the job, I was sacked for not being "friendly" enough.
Almost eight months ago I got my second job-working at a Meijer store next to the Target I got fired from. I still am suffering from social anxiety. My nerves have actually caused numerous health problems, including pelvic floor dysfunction which makes it so I can't properly void my bladder and have to go almost all the time, and a fucked up back from bad posture and tension. I would get so depressed because I thought not only would I never make any friends, but no guy would ever like me.
Enter a guy at work that I began noticing was always staring at me. A co-worker revealed that this guy liked me and we began chatting on MySpace. This was back at the end of December. We became good friends and while we've never hung out, I would take my breaks with him at work and chat almost every night with him, sometimes for three hours at a time. He said he wanted to talk to me for months but figured I had a boyfriend already, as "beautiful" as I am (which I disagree with, but is extremely flattering). Well I always hated my job and having a friend there who paid attention to me made me look forward to going to work. Well, he landed a new job. Now I don't get to see him at work anymore. I congratulated him but privately cried when I found out. Twice. He says he misses me like crazy and thinks about me all the time. He says I'm the only one he wants to be with. He wants to date. Everybody at work asks if we're dating, too. The problem is, I don't know if I'm emotionally ready to start dating.
Let's face the facts: I don't have any real friends outside of the internet. Therefore, with this guy talking to me now, I feel like I'm becoming emotionally dependant on him or something. Tonight he chatted with me for an hour and when he had to go I cried a little. It's pathetic how lonely I am. I'd be afraid that I'd be a clingy, needy girlfriend or something. Although he says he wouldn't care . A big thing is I don't know if I like the guy. I never paid attention to him until I realized that he liked me. I'm afraid that I only like him because he likes me. I have a tendency to start liking people who like me. Chalk that up to low self esteem. I'm just not sure if I want to be more than friends with him.
I'm so scared of getting into a relationship and then being hurt. But moreso, I'm afraid of getting into a relationship and hurting him. I'd rather chew my arm off then to unintentionally hurt him. So I'm hesitatnt to start dating him.
Another big reason why I'm afraid to start dating is my dear old dad. I don't get along with my dad. At all. He's extremely over-bearing and short tempered. I have a LOT of anger towards him and baggage because he used to get upset with me when I was a kid and verbally abuse me sometimes to the point where I'd be terrified that he would hurt or kill me and would beg him not to hurt me. He had a lot of anger problems and said some terrible things that I'll never forget. I have so much anger towards him that I yell loudly in my sleep, sometimes even obscenties.
I know I'm old enough to date to say the least, and it's none of my dad's buisiness at this point if I start a relationship with a guy. But I don't want to open up that can of worms with my dad...he'd want to play 20 questions with the guy, scrutizine every detail of him (did I mention how over-protective my dad is?). It would be so embarrassing. I wish my dad would just go live overseas so I can date without him freaking out about it and whining that the guy's not good enough for me, etc. So as of now, he doesn't know about this guy and I'm not looking forward to the day he does find out. I mean, he knows I have to start dating now, but he'd just be so unbearable and over-bearing about it. So afraid to let me go, I guess.
So to sum up the curent situation:
1. I'm super-depressed because not only do I have raging PMS, but I'm confused because I can't decide if I want to start dating or if I should and if I like the guy that way....
2. I'm super depressed because I don't get to see this guy anymore now that he has a new job. I miss him like crazy. I don't know if it's HIM that I miss, or just someone who pays attention and flatters me. More confusion. All I know is I've cried numerous times because I miss seeing this guy, and he's going crazy from not seeing me.
3. I'm fustrated because it'll be so hard to date a guy with my dad over my shoulder
In grade school I was always extremely shy and around the time I was nine or ten years old I started getting bullied and teased ruthlessly. When sixth grade began, it started to even get physical. My parents saw that I was coming home every day crying and talking about how I wanted to blow up and kill my classmates, so they decided to homeschool me. I left school without any real friends (just one who betrayed me and turned out to be a terrible "friend") and I never made any real friends in all the years since. That's right, I'm almost 23 now. I spent the rest of my school years being isolated. My parents tried to get me into all those homeschool groups to make friends, but I never clicked with any of the kids there. They were all really religious conservative kids and I was the opposite of them, so I couldn't bond.
There was a period when I was a pre-teen where I had a neighborhood playmate but her family was always on the go and I didn't get to see her very much. Around the age of 13 and 14 I was even spending my time hanging out with the four year old girl across the street, playing dolls and watching Telletubbies with her. That's how desperate I was. Naturally, this girls' parents would ask me "Don't you have any friends your age?" No, I didn't.
Anyway, back to the present. Living so isolated and being spoiled by well-meaning parents, I didn't get off my ass and get a job until I was 19 years old. Close to 20, actually. A big part of that wasn't just laziness but because I was scared. My first job was at Target as a cashier, and you can read all my tales of suck from there-there's lots of 'em. So with my Target job I had "re-entered", so to speak, the real world. Only to realize that I had social anxiety disorder and was afraid of my own customers. I had difficult looking them in the eye and making conversation, and after almost two years on the job, I was sacked for not being "friendly" enough.
Almost eight months ago I got my second job-working at a Meijer store next to the Target I got fired from. I still am suffering from social anxiety. My nerves have actually caused numerous health problems, including pelvic floor dysfunction which makes it so I can't properly void my bladder and have to go almost all the time, and a fucked up back from bad posture and tension. I would get so depressed because I thought not only would I never make any friends, but no guy would ever like me.
Enter a guy at work that I began noticing was always staring at me. A co-worker revealed that this guy liked me and we began chatting on MySpace. This was back at the end of December. We became good friends and while we've never hung out, I would take my breaks with him at work and chat almost every night with him, sometimes for three hours at a time. He said he wanted to talk to me for months but figured I had a boyfriend already, as "beautiful" as I am (which I disagree with, but is extremely flattering). Well I always hated my job and having a friend there who paid attention to me made me look forward to going to work. Well, he landed a new job. Now I don't get to see him at work anymore. I congratulated him but privately cried when I found out. Twice. He says he misses me like crazy and thinks about me all the time. He says I'm the only one he wants to be with. He wants to date. Everybody at work asks if we're dating, too. The problem is, I don't know if I'm emotionally ready to start dating.
Let's face the facts: I don't have any real friends outside of the internet. Therefore, with this guy talking to me now, I feel like I'm becoming emotionally dependant on him or something. Tonight he chatted with me for an hour and when he had to go I cried a little. It's pathetic how lonely I am. I'd be afraid that I'd be a clingy, needy girlfriend or something. Although he says he wouldn't care . A big thing is I don't know if I like the guy. I never paid attention to him until I realized that he liked me. I'm afraid that I only like him because he likes me. I have a tendency to start liking people who like me. Chalk that up to low self esteem. I'm just not sure if I want to be more than friends with him.
I'm so scared of getting into a relationship and then being hurt. But moreso, I'm afraid of getting into a relationship and hurting him. I'd rather chew my arm off then to unintentionally hurt him. So I'm hesitatnt to start dating him.
Another big reason why I'm afraid to start dating is my dear old dad. I don't get along with my dad. At all. He's extremely over-bearing and short tempered. I have a LOT of anger towards him and baggage because he used to get upset with me when I was a kid and verbally abuse me sometimes to the point where I'd be terrified that he would hurt or kill me and would beg him not to hurt me. He had a lot of anger problems and said some terrible things that I'll never forget. I have so much anger towards him that I yell loudly in my sleep, sometimes even obscenties.
I know I'm old enough to date to say the least, and it's none of my dad's buisiness at this point if I start a relationship with a guy. But I don't want to open up that can of worms with my dad...he'd want to play 20 questions with the guy, scrutizine every detail of him (did I mention how over-protective my dad is?). It would be so embarrassing. I wish my dad would just go live overseas so I can date without him freaking out about it and whining that the guy's not good enough for me, etc. So as of now, he doesn't know about this guy and I'm not looking forward to the day he does find out. I mean, he knows I have to start dating now, but he'd just be so unbearable and over-bearing about it. So afraid to let me go, I guess.
So to sum up the curent situation:
1. I'm super-depressed because not only do I have raging PMS, but I'm confused because I can't decide if I want to start dating or if I should and if I like the guy that way....
2. I'm super depressed because I don't get to see this guy anymore now that he has a new job. I miss him like crazy. I don't know if it's HIM that I miss, or just someone who pays attention and flatters me. More confusion. All I know is I've cried numerous times because I miss seeing this guy, and he's going crazy from not seeing me.
3. I'm fustrated because it'll be so hard to date a guy with my dad over my shoulder
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