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Dumb Questions I Get Asked
Now I would like to tackle three recurring questions that constantly are asked of me that I would like to set the record straight on.
Question 1 – “Are you sure you have my car? I’m outside your garage and don’t see it parked here”
Answer -Now, let’s think about this. Doesn’t the word “Impounded” have any meaning to you at all? Like, as in the words “Dog Pound” doesn’t it conjure up the image of a fence? Or a wall? Or some kind of rampart or obstacle that will at least TRY and keep things inside getting out? Furthermore, if we just let impounds sit outside the door, what would keep you from just walking up to it, putting your key in it, and driving away with it without paying us anything? YOU CAN’T SEE YOUR CAR BECAUSE IT’S BEEN IMPOUNDED, AS IN BEHIND A FENCE! Though, enough people have asked me this question that I’m willing to start an experiment and just leave notes under the windshield wipers of cars that simply say “Impounded, do not move until fee is paid” and see what happens.
Question 2 – “Hey, ever watch that show Parking Wars on TV?”
Answer -Watch it? Buddy, I LIVE it. When you go home after work and try to relax, tell me, would your idea of “relaxing” be sitting down and watching MORE of what you JUST WENT THROUGH ON THE JOB? That doesn’t sound relaxing to me. Then again, I’m aware “relaxing” is a subjective term. Some people are able to relax with whips and chains I’m told… But trust me, I’m not one of them, and if YOU are, just keep it to yourself, please. Some things, like the Colonel’s Secret Recipe, or what exactly it is they pack a canned ham in, are best left unknown.
Question 3 – “Where are my keys?”
Answer – I told you several moons ago about the guy who stomped in to pick up his car and in his haste to give us a bag o’ horseshit had left his car keys at home? And demanded we produce them? I thought he was a unique and special snowflake, oh how wrong I was. There have now been THREE occurrences of people coming in to get their car, and NOT BRINGING THEIR KEYS, and asking us if maybe we had them? People, listen up. I do NOT have your keys. I did not EVER have your keys. Furthermore, I DON’T need your keys. I have the only key I’ll ever need in my pocket right now, a Ford key that STARTS A TOW TRUCK.
Get an Effin' Room!
No, really, I mean it, and I mean it literally
That’s the THIRD time in 4 weeks I’ve found you two trying to get naked in the front seat of your car. The grand total is four times now in 2 months. You’d think you’d learn by now that EVERY LOT in this darn neighborhood is checked by me on a nightly basis. Twice on back-to-back nights even I found you in the same darn lot at the same time. You don’t have a permit for this one, or the last one, or ANY of the lots within ½ of a mile from where you and your girlfriend keep trying to make out.
I can only hope that the constant interruptions will eventually make you pull up the tent pegs and head for greener pastures when your hormones get the better of you. Unless of course you get some sick thrill out of getting caught in the act. Which is a distinct and unsettling prospect.
Anyway, if you keep it up, I’m bringing the garden hose next time.
Walkin' is for Chumps!
Obesity is epidemic in this country. Last time I checked the stats something like 65% of Americans are overweight, 35% are obese, and something like 11% are functionally immobile, or trapped in the house they walked into until someone takes a wrecking bar to the front door because as long as they can still have someone pass them Twinkies through the mail slot, they certainly aren’t going to lose any weight.
Is it any wonder? The other day I pulled into an apartment building lot and started hooking up to an illegally parked car without a permit. The owner waddled out of the café next to the lot and protested the towing, saying he was a customer, and why was he being towed from customer parking? He was informed that the lot he parked in belonged to the apartment next door (It was clearly signed as such, and if you had paid even a modicum of attention, it was clear it didn’t belong to the café’, the pavement ended several feet before the building on that side, and there was a gap filled with landscaping shrubs) Owner had just made an understandable but inexcusable “close enough” error. He bitched and moaned, insisted there was something we could do to cut him a break, but paid.
The kicker, his car had a current, valid permit for the apartment ACROSS THE STREET. That’s right, he was too lazy to walk across what would have amounted to under 25 yards of flat and level pavement.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that he drops dead of a heart attack in the near future, and when he does, it’ll probably register on seismographs nationwide….
Some people just don’t learn
Case in point, last night’s radio chatter.
-Dispatch to Unit 2
-Unit 2, go ahead
-I have an illegal for you, clear to copy?
-Go ahead
-Guess who and guess where?
-Uh, Park Street Apartments, Black Mercedes C230, last three of the plate KS3, New Jersey?
-Eh, close, it’s KV3, New Jersey, but otherwise, dead on.
-En route
If it looks too good to be true....
If you find a discarded permit, just because it says “Valid Until 10/10”, don’t assume you’ve got it made now and can have free parking for yourself in that lot if you just hang it up in your car.
You might want to check first to see if the pervious owner was not a tenant who GOT EVICTED and had his permit added to a TOW ON SIGHT list.
Otherwise you end up like the guy we got last night, in the hole for $105.
The look on his face when we explained exactly why he got towed in, even when he “Had a permit!” must’ve been priceless, too bad I wasn’t there to see it.
Now I would like to tackle three recurring questions that constantly are asked of me that I would like to set the record straight on.
Question 1 – “Are you sure you have my car? I’m outside your garage and don’t see it parked here”
Answer -Now, let’s think about this. Doesn’t the word “Impounded” have any meaning to you at all? Like, as in the words “Dog Pound” doesn’t it conjure up the image of a fence? Or a wall? Or some kind of rampart or obstacle that will at least TRY and keep things inside getting out? Furthermore, if we just let impounds sit outside the door, what would keep you from just walking up to it, putting your key in it, and driving away with it without paying us anything? YOU CAN’T SEE YOUR CAR BECAUSE IT’S BEEN IMPOUNDED, AS IN BEHIND A FENCE! Though, enough people have asked me this question that I’m willing to start an experiment and just leave notes under the windshield wipers of cars that simply say “Impounded, do not move until fee is paid” and see what happens.
Question 2 – “Hey, ever watch that show Parking Wars on TV?”
Answer -Watch it? Buddy, I LIVE it. When you go home after work and try to relax, tell me, would your idea of “relaxing” be sitting down and watching MORE of what you JUST WENT THROUGH ON THE JOB? That doesn’t sound relaxing to me. Then again, I’m aware “relaxing” is a subjective term. Some people are able to relax with whips and chains I’m told… But trust me, I’m not one of them, and if YOU are, just keep it to yourself, please. Some things, like the Colonel’s Secret Recipe, or what exactly it is they pack a canned ham in, are best left unknown.
Question 3 – “Where are my keys?”
Answer – I told you several moons ago about the guy who stomped in to pick up his car and in his haste to give us a bag o’ horseshit had left his car keys at home? And demanded we produce them? I thought he was a unique and special snowflake, oh how wrong I was. There have now been THREE occurrences of people coming in to get their car, and NOT BRINGING THEIR KEYS, and asking us if maybe we had them? People, listen up. I do NOT have your keys. I did not EVER have your keys. Furthermore, I DON’T need your keys. I have the only key I’ll ever need in my pocket right now, a Ford key that STARTS A TOW TRUCK.
Get an Effin' Room!
No, really, I mean it, and I mean it literally
That’s the THIRD time in 4 weeks I’ve found you two trying to get naked in the front seat of your car. The grand total is four times now in 2 months. You’d think you’d learn by now that EVERY LOT in this darn neighborhood is checked by me on a nightly basis. Twice on back-to-back nights even I found you in the same darn lot at the same time. You don’t have a permit for this one, or the last one, or ANY of the lots within ½ of a mile from where you and your girlfriend keep trying to make out.
I can only hope that the constant interruptions will eventually make you pull up the tent pegs and head for greener pastures when your hormones get the better of you. Unless of course you get some sick thrill out of getting caught in the act. Which is a distinct and unsettling prospect.
Anyway, if you keep it up, I’m bringing the garden hose next time.
Walkin' is for Chumps!
Obesity is epidemic in this country. Last time I checked the stats something like 65% of Americans are overweight, 35% are obese, and something like 11% are functionally immobile, or trapped in the house they walked into until someone takes a wrecking bar to the front door because as long as they can still have someone pass them Twinkies through the mail slot, they certainly aren’t going to lose any weight.
Is it any wonder? The other day I pulled into an apartment building lot and started hooking up to an illegally parked car without a permit. The owner waddled out of the café next to the lot and protested the towing, saying he was a customer, and why was he being towed from customer parking? He was informed that the lot he parked in belonged to the apartment next door (It was clearly signed as such, and if you had paid even a modicum of attention, it was clear it didn’t belong to the café’, the pavement ended several feet before the building on that side, and there was a gap filled with landscaping shrubs) Owner had just made an understandable but inexcusable “close enough” error. He bitched and moaned, insisted there was something we could do to cut him a break, but paid.
The kicker, his car had a current, valid permit for the apartment ACROSS THE STREET. That’s right, he was too lazy to walk across what would have amounted to under 25 yards of flat and level pavement.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that he drops dead of a heart attack in the near future, and when he does, it’ll probably register on seismographs nationwide….
Some people just don’t learn
Case in point, last night’s radio chatter.
-Dispatch to Unit 2
-Unit 2, go ahead
-I have an illegal for you, clear to copy?
-Go ahead
-Guess who and guess where?
-Uh, Park Street Apartments, Black Mercedes C230, last three of the plate KS3, New Jersey?
-Eh, close, it’s KV3, New Jersey, but otherwise, dead on.
-En route
If it looks too good to be true....
If you find a discarded permit, just because it says “Valid Until 10/10”, don’t assume you’ve got it made now and can have free parking for yourself in that lot if you just hang it up in your car.
You might want to check first to see if the pervious owner was not a tenant who GOT EVICTED and had his permit added to a TOW ON SIGHT list.
Otherwise you end up like the guy we got last night, in the hole for $105.
The look on his face when we explained exactly why he got towed in, even when he “Had a permit!” must’ve been priceless, too bad I wasn’t there to see it.
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