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  • #1

    Help... please.

    My boyfriend moves in tomorrow and I'm terrified. I don't even know where to start on why.

    I'll try to make a very long story short and say that I've had horrible luck with men, to the point that I finally tried dating outside my "type." There was this guy who'd been wanting to get my attention for years and I finally gave him his chance after numerous rejections. He's spent about 20 days total here with me where I live up from where he lives in another state. He's in love. When he's around, so am I. He treats me like royalty. My friends love him. When he's away, I grieve as though he's never coming back because that's what always happened before.

    Then there's the three things that keep hitting me in the face. Any one of them I could possibly deal with but all three are the perfect storm to drive me straight insane. First, he's very light skinned when I prefer dark-skinned guys. Second, he's very overweight -- which I have problems with because my parents were both very overweight until the diabetes started killing them. Third, he's horrible in bed.

    People keep telling me I can fix the weight and the bad in bed issues, and he seems willing to work on them too. But, oh God... I know it makes me sound shallow, but I'm literally losing my mind here. He's sold off everything he owns to move up here, and he's switched schools to one here where I am.

    I've been through more pain than just about anybody I know when it comes to relationships and now when it looks like I might actually get everything I ever wanted, even when it's not in the package I want, I'm losing it.

    That's it. I'm rambling. Maybe I'll make more sense later. Help.
    Drive it like it's a county car.
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Sounds like you're freaked out because reality is not living up to your fantasies.

    That's okay. It's hard to let go of those things we wished and dreamed for. The difference is recognizing that even though this fantasy is something we always wanted, reality is what we've got.

    The trick is to make your reality more important than your fantasies. Great guy, genuine caring love, and someone who is willing to give 100% effort to your relationship. True, reality could turn out to be a dud, but if you focus on what you do have, and stop focusing on what you don't have, you'll find you're able to stay centered and happier in the long run. By staying and focusing in the 'now', you'll also circumvent past experiences from wreaking havoc on your mental health and well-being.

    That said, it also doesn't hurt to seek professional assistance to help sort out some of the more paralyzing fears.
    Make a list of important things to do today.
    At the top of your list, put 'eat chocolate'
    Now, you'll get at least one thing done today

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    • #3
      Congratulations!

      He's in love. When he's around, so am I.
      And apparently, he's going to be around a lot. Sounds like a good thing, even if the sex is lousy
      Now the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.

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      • #4
        Weight can be worked on...

        Sex can be worked on...

        Feeling in love and feeling loved? Damn girl keep that close. I'm seeing a 3/3 here.

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        • #5
          Good luck to you both!
          Dull women have immaculate homes.

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          • #6
            Quoth Aethian View Post
            Feeling in love and feeling loved? Damn girl keep that close. I'm seeing a 3/3 here.
            *cough* he a dude, not a girl *cough*

            XD Joking aside, it's up to you. So far, you love everything about him cept his skin color (silly XD), weight which can be worked with eventally.

            As for the sex, can't help you with that. My experence of it is nothing short of me terrible.
            Military Spouse Support.
            http://www.customerssuck.com/board/group.php?groupid=45
            Plaidman's Minions: Telecom_Goddess: Dungeon Minion

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            • #7
              Ummmmmmm *blinks*


              Errrr Sorry HH *blushes*

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              • #8
                I appreciate the advice.

                I think part of what bothers me is that he and I bicker all the time, and I'm worried that won't ever change even as time passes and we grow together. I'm also worried that he'll get tired of me. Living with one another is a big change from sweet talks on the phone.

                And it doesn't help that there are two people I find much more attractive who would love to date me...

                This is a mess, but my love life always has been.

                Edit: One other fun thing messing all of this up is the fact that I turn 30 this year and I just feel like I'm running out of time to find anyone.
                Drive it like it's a county car.

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                • #9
                  Weight - your doctor can verify whether he has health issues which are affecting his ability to lose weight. Some of those can have caused the weight gain in the first place.

                  Sexual prowess - definitely can be worked on.

                  Colouration - in my experience, that becomes less of an issue as time passes, and you love the person for themselves, ALL of themselves.

                  Bickering - if you are both willing to work on communication skills with each other, that will fade. If you don't, it will get worse.
                  What worked for me was 'okay, hang on, let's stop for a moment and try rephrasing things.' And we'd both struggle to understand what the other was REALLY trying to say, rather than the words they were using. Everyone has pet phrasings that to them, mean X, but other people hear as meaning Y. Yes, even you, HH.

                  Running out of time - no. The Great Disney-Perfect Love doesn't exist, not even in Disney movies. Sleeping Beauty married the first guy who kissed her, Cinderella just hung around waiting for a rich dude to carry her off, Ariel gave up her family and half of her anatomy for a guy who couldn't decide between a redhead and a brunette, Belle keeps making excuses for a guy who constantly yells at her and verges on physically abusive...

                  You have an opportunity for love here. Maybe he is The Perfect Guy who will stay with you till death do you part. Maybe it'll only work out for a year or two, or a decade or two. But there's no way to know other than to try it. And even if you do part eventually, you will have had a love. And you'll always have had Paris. Or Asheville, NC, anyway.
                  Seshat's self-help guide:
                  1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                  2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                  3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                  4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                  "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

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                  • #10
                    Come what may, I fly down to Florida today to help him move across two states to be with me.
                    Drive it like it's a county car.

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                    • #11
                      Good luck!

                      Work on the communication first. Make sure that you have a way to 'fight fair' even when you do argue, because otherwise you won't be able to deal with any of the other issues. Other than that, you've already gotten some good advice here about the weight issues etc.

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                      • #12
                        I know I'm eventually going to sound like a broken record, but going for couples' counselling is a wonderful way to deal with communications difficulties. Not necessarily that you don't both have good techniques, but going together helps, because then you have a common ground, and know what the other person expects, etc. I'm sure there's someone in your area who offers basically premarital counselling without calling it that. (The basic "here's how to live with someone else without killing each other" stuff).

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                        • #13
                          Well, he's here now and I don't dare let on how upset I am. This guys treats me like a king, so why can't I embrace it and let him do it...?

                          I think it just comes down to the fact that I'm not physically attracted to him. At all. It's bothering me to the point of obsession. I can't stand this. I also can't stand that he sold off his entire life, left his apartment, and left all his friends behind so he can come up here and be with me. Christ...

                          Yesterday as we drove back, I was haunted by men who were better looking. I saw them driving trucks and riding motorcycles, or walking by the road.

                          I don't know what the problem is... I didn't used to feel this way about him. It's almost as though if I don't find someone who contrasts me completely, even in skin color, I've somehow failed. Or it's as though after all I've been through in my search for a good relationship, I feel like I'm entitled to someone who is perfect in every way, including looks.

                          And then of course it doesn't help that two other men who are much better looking are interested in me. I might actually go after one, but I feel so incredibly guilty about uprooting him and bringing him here. One of his friends sobbed as we said goodbye. What can you do in the face of that? You suffer silently, that's what, and you realize that you're suffering pointlessly as well. To reject a black man, which is what you've always wanted, just because he's not "black enough?" Really? Logically, I know it's idiotic.
                          Drive it like it's a county car.

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                          • #14
                            I hate to ask, but how did it get to the point where "he sold off his entire life," etc., if you're not sure? Or were you more certain before?
                            Now the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.

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                            • #15
                              Quoth HYHYBT View Post
                              I hate to ask, but how did it get to the point where "he sold off his entire life," etc., if you're not sure? Or were you more certain before?
                              I was more certain before.
                              Drive it like it's a county car.

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