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<SIGH>
I've put off going grocery shopping for weeks. just darting in here and there to grab the odd gallon of milk or loaf of bread. Well, that's what I get...I had to hit not one but TWO different stores today because my fridge was empty and I found myself out of a lot of key essentials. Y'know how hard it is to wash a load of laundry when your detergent bottle is empty...? Yeah...So, breaking it down by store, first Target, then Kroger. I got an early start this morning, hoping to avoid too many shenanigans.
Story the First: Where's the beef?
In Target, the ground turkey and such products are laid out next to the ground beef and steaks and whatnot. I went in looking for some ground turkey breast. (btw, that's some expensive shit. I'm tempted to buy a couple of turkey breast roasts and grind it myself in a food processor!) Well, apparently the packaging changed on one particular brand of ground beef or something to that effect. either way, the SC I was next to was making her displeasure known, because Target DARED to run out of her ground beef. or chuck. Or something.
SC: <rantrantrantgarble> AND WHERE'S THE FUCKING GROUND BEEF!?
TE (Target Employee): <looking bewildered> It's...right in front of you ma'am...
SC: That's not IT. I'm looking for Brand A ground beef, and none of these packages are IT!
TE: Ma'am, yes, see, this one right here is--
SC: Where's the ground beef? I don't want that fancy shit you're waving in my face. I just want Brand A ground beef!
and so it continues for a few minutes. Harpy screeching, TE looking harassed, and Lupo (who was up entirely too early in the morning on her day off, mind you...) getting cranky. I grabbed a package and butted in. (yeah...I forgot my manners today...)
Me: Ssssoooo, sorry to interrupt, but sir? Can you tell me how much this package of Brand A ground beef is? <Smiling sweetly>
TE: Uh...it's... $x.xx.
SC: Where did you find that!?! He told me they was out and there aren't any HERE!!
Me: <Wordlessly points to the display right in front of her nose> You mean...that stuff right there...?
SC: <blink blink>
Me:
SC: They changed the fucking packaging on me!! How was I supposed to know!! <She snatches a few packages and stomps off.>
Me: <to TE> reading...it's fundamental...
TE: <laughs nervously and thanks me>
Story the Second: Of Rice and Men
So, as one can assume from the title, at this point I'm in the rice and pasta aisle, looking for orzo pasta for a salad I like to make. I'm grabbing a package, and am heading out when I hear this lovely little exchange between two men standing in front of the rice and beans section of the aisle.
M1: Hey, this tag says it's $1, but the other one says $2.99. What the hell, man?
M2: It's all rice. They must've put the tags up wrong. Idiots. Get the rice and let's go, we still need to get the beer. if it rings up wrong, we'll just have them send someone over to get it right.
after they leave, I'm morbidly curious and head over to see. Yeah, they were looking at the price difference between store brand long grain white rice in the 1 lb bag, and the name brand version of arborio Italian rice. Oh, to see the reaction when they find out they're fecking morons!
Story the Third: Price is Right? Erm...no!!
I finally make it to the checkouts and get in line behind a girl who looks to be just a few years younger than me. Now, Target advertises they will match ANY price in a competitor's print ad on IDENTICAL items. This is important. Apparently one such ad lists ranier cherries as on sale for price A per pound. So, what does this glowing paragon of brilliance do? They bring up at least 3 lbs of organic northwest cherries and demand them for that price. It would've been at least a third of the actual price. Further, they waved the ad in the cashier's face. Poor, poor cashier. But this was only the beginning. Upon being shot down on the cherries, they decided their next goal was meats.
See, Kroger offers what's referred to as a Crazy Meal Deal, where upon this week if you buy 3 lbs of store brand ground chuck, you get a bunch of stuff free. Well, wunderkind here decided that they could do the same at Target. (Erm, no!!) but sub the store brand with a brand called Laura's Lean Beef (apparently an organic brand of some high quality, thus rather expensive? I don't know, as I don't really eat red meat much.) Further, the "free stuff" Well, most if not all were brands exclusive to Kroger, PLUS the deal is only valid if you have Kroger Plus card, which wunderkind did not. Thus the following interaction ensued:
SC: But, YOUR store states you'll price match ANY competitor!! So, PRICE MATCH THIS!!
TE: Ma'am, we only price match identical items, and--
SC: And THESE are identical! See? Ground chuck and GROUND CHUCK. Potato salad and POTATO SALAD (note: Kroger ad says small tub, like 16 oz of potato salad for example, woman had HUGE tub, say 32 oz. FAIL!). It's not rocket science. you need to honor what your company claims!!
TE: And we do price match, ma'am, but in this case, we can't because--
SC: Are you a retard or just stupid!?! I. Want. A. Price. Match.
Me: <sighs before I can catch myself. Dammit, she's spotted me!!>
SC: And what are YOU looking at?!?!
Me: The results of the No Child Left Behind Act...
SC:
Wait...what...? 
Me: <I pull out my copy of the Kroger ad, since that was to be my next stop.> Ok, crazy meal deal indicates Private selection brand. Which is a Kroger specific brand.
SC: <Gives the CBF> But it says--
Me: AND it also says the deal is good with a Kroger Plus card, meaning you need to be a club card member, thus the deal is only valid at KROGER.
SC: But they price match any ad!!
Me: On IDENTICAL items. meaning 1 gallon of whole Borden milk for 1 gallon of whole Borden milk. Not organic grass fed, free range whatever beef for store brand ground beef. NOT 4 pounds of potato salad for the price of two pounds. IDENTICAL means THE SAME!!
SC: what the fuck do you know!?!
Me: I know how to read...
SC: Fine, fuck this. I'm never shopping here again!!! <leaves her crap on the conveyor belt and marches off.>
Me: Promises, promises...
My transaction went smoothly, thank the gods, and I was able to escape...but not for long because then it was...dun dun dun!! On to the second store. Thus, the Kroger hijinks:
Story the Fourth: Reading. Still fundamental, dammit!!
I hit the instore starbucks first and foremost, because I'm thirsty, tired, and want a hit of caffeine to brace myself for round 2. And I immediately encounter suckage. sonofa--!!
SC: <Screaming at barista!!> This is supposed to be $2!! Your sign says a cold grande beverage for $2!!!!
B: Uh, sir, that's only for after 2 pm, with a receipt from earlier in the day. It's called a treat receipt...
SC: Where does it say that!! This is supposed to be $2!!!
Me: <From behind him.> Oh, FFS!!! Read the ENTIRE sign, and it's RIGHT THERE in front of your face!!
SC: <Jumps a mile. He hadn't heard me come up behind him> Wha--but---he said!!
Me: <Points the sign and reads it word for word.> Starbucks Treat Receipt is back. Bring a receipt from THIS MORNING in to any participating Starbucks AFTER 2PM and receive a 16 oz iced beverage for only $2.
SC: Oh...well...uh...
B: That's $4.50, sir.
SC: <Pays and flees>
B: <Turns and looks at me.> So. Bad day??
Me:
I've been grocery shopping all morning, and haven't had any caffeine yet.
B: ...ouch...
I get my drink, and toddle off. I keep my head down, and fervently ignore anyone and everyone in the hopes of avoiding encountering stupidity while I shop. And success! I make it all the way to the checkout stand unscathed!!
Or so I think...
Story the Fifth: Wah wah watermelon!!
Note here. Kroger has those mini personal seedless watermelons on sale 2 for $5. So, what does the genius in front of me do? Brings up a 20 lb seeded watermelon and proceeds to pitch an unholy fit because it's ringing up for $4.99.
SC: This is false advertising!!
KE: (Kroger Employee) Well, sir, I can send someone to check the price for you and--
SC: Look! <Waves the ad at the poor cashier> It says RIGHT here. Watermelon is 2 for $5. This should be $2.50!!
Me: <sighs again and mutters to myself, but quietly. I really, really don't want to get dragged into another mess, really I don't...>
SC: Get me your manager!!
KE: <after reading the entire ad> Sir...this ad says it's for the dulcinea personal watermelons. This isn't one of those. It's also for seedless, and this is seeded.
SC:
Uh...
KE: Would you still like to see my manager, sir?
SC: <Huffs> Nevermind, forget it. I'll just get the rest of this stuff but <get ready for it!!> i'm never shopping here again!!!
Me: <After he leaves and I'm getting my items rung up> You say that so often, I do not think you know what it means...
KE: <stares at me for a moment.> I love Princess Bride!!
Me:
And thus I left my final stop and was safely on my way home...
Or not.
Bonus story: Bus Stop Bumfuckery
I'm waiting for the bus to take me home, when I get this little gem. A random guy comes up to me and asks if I have any spare money.
me: sorry, I don't carry cash
him: Please? I'm just trying to scrape together some money to get something to eat.
Me: No, sorry. I don't carry cash. I bought some fresh fruit and cheese sticks though. <I rummage through my bags and hand him a cheesestick, an apple and a banana.> It's not much, but--
Him: <Cuts me off> No, it's NOT!!
Me: Eh??!
Him: I asked for MONEY, not FOOD!! Stupid bitch.
Me: <Puts the fruit back>Correction, you asked for money to buy food. Which I then offered you. Really, if you want drugs or booze, be honest. I still won't give you anything, but at least you'd be honest!
Him: Oh yeah? Fuck you! With your banana!!!
Me: ...
Him: What, no answer? Ha!!
Me: <Standing, since my bus is pulling to the curb> No, sir, but generally when engaging in a battle of wits, I try really hard not to fight the unarmed.
He: <blinks stupidly>
and I get on the bus and head home. Where I am now. with the door locked. It's 2 pm. that's early enough for a drink. Or 5. Right...?
I've put off going grocery shopping for weeks. just darting in here and there to grab the odd gallon of milk or loaf of bread. Well, that's what I get...I had to hit not one but TWO different stores today because my fridge was empty and I found myself out of a lot of key essentials. Y'know how hard it is to wash a load of laundry when your detergent bottle is empty...? Yeah...So, breaking it down by store, first Target, then Kroger. I got an early start this morning, hoping to avoid too many shenanigans.
Story the First: Where's the beef?
In Target, the ground turkey and such products are laid out next to the ground beef and steaks and whatnot. I went in looking for some ground turkey breast. (btw, that's some expensive shit. I'm tempted to buy a couple of turkey breast roasts and grind it myself in a food processor!) Well, apparently the packaging changed on one particular brand of ground beef or something to that effect. either way, the SC I was next to was making her displeasure known, because Target DARED to run out of her ground beef. or chuck. Or something.
SC: <rantrantrantgarble> AND WHERE'S THE FUCKING GROUND BEEF!?
TE (Target Employee): <looking bewildered> It's...right in front of you ma'am...
SC: That's not IT. I'm looking for Brand A ground beef, and none of these packages are IT!
TE: Ma'am, yes, see, this one right here is--
SC: Where's the ground beef? I don't want that fancy shit you're waving in my face. I just want Brand A ground beef!
and so it continues for a few minutes. Harpy screeching, TE looking harassed, and Lupo (who was up entirely too early in the morning on her day off, mind you...) getting cranky. I grabbed a package and butted in. (yeah...I forgot my manners today...)
Me: Ssssoooo, sorry to interrupt, but sir? Can you tell me how much this package of Brand A ground beef is? <Smiling sweetly>
TE: Uh...it's... $x.xx.
SC: Where did you find that!?! He told me they was out and there aren't any HERE!!
Me: <Wordlessly points to the display right in front of her nose> You mean...that stuff right there...?
SC: <blink blink>
Me:
SC: They changed the fucking packaging on me!! How was I supposed to know!! <She snatches a few packages and stomps off.>
Me: <to TE> reading...it's fundamental...
TE: <laughs nervously and thanks me>
Story the Second: Of Rice and Men
So, as one can assume from the title, at this point I'm in the rice and pasta aisle, looking for orzo pasta for a salad I like to make. I'm grabbing a package, and am heading out when I hear this lovely little exchange between two men standing in front of the rice and beans section of the aisle.
M1: Hey, this tag says it's $1, but the other one says $2.99. What the hell, man?
M2: It's all rice. They must've put the tags up wrong. Idiots. Get the rice and let's go, we still need to get the beer. if it rings up wrong, we'll just have them send someone over to get it right.
after they leave, I'm morbidly curious and head over to see. Yeah, they were looking at the price difference between store brand long grain white rice in the 1 lb bag, and the name brand version of arborio Italian rice. Oh, to see the reaction when they find out they're fecking morons!
Story the Third: Price is Right? Erm...no!!
I finally make it to the checkouts and get in line behind a girl who looks to be just a few years younger than me. Now, Target advertises they will match ANY price in a competitor's print ad on IDENTICAL items. This is important. Apparently one such ad lists ranier cherries as on sale for price A per pound. So, what does this glowing paragon of brilliance do? They bring up at least 3 lbs of organic northwest cherries and demand them for that price. It would've been at least a third of the actual price. Further, they waved the ad in the cashier's face. Poor, poor cashier. But this was only the beginning. Upon being shot down on the cherries, they decided their next goal was meats.
See, Kroger offers what's referred to as a Crazy Meal Deal, where upon this week if you buy 3 lbs of store brand ground chuck, you get a bunch of stuff free. Well, wunderkind here decided that they could do the same at Target. (Erm, no!!) but sub the store brand with a brand called Laura's Lean Beef (apparently an organic brand of some high quality, thus rather expensive? I don't know, as I don't really eat red meat much.) Further, the "free stuff" Well, most if not all were brands exclusive to Kroger, PLUS the deal is only valid if you have Kroger Plus card, which wunderkind did not. Thus the following interaction ensued:
SC: But, YOUR store states you'll price match ANY competitor!! So, PRICE MATCH THIS!!
TE: Ma'am, we only price match identical items, and--
SC: And THESE are identical! See? Ground chuck and GROUND CHUCK. Potato salad and POTATO SALAD (note: Kroger ad says small tub, like 16 oz of potato salad for example, woman had HUGE tub, say 32 oz. FAIL!). It's not rocket science. you need to honor what your company claims!!
TE: And we do price match, ma'am, but in this case, we can't because--
SC: Are you a retard or just stupid!?! I. Want. A. Price. Match.
Me: <sighs before I can catch myself. Dammit, she's spotted me!!>
SC: And what are YOU looking at?!?!
Me: The results of the No Child Left Behind Act...
SC:
Wait...what...? Me: <I pull out my copy of the Kroger ad, since that was to be my next stop.> Ok, crazy meal deal indicates Private selection brand. Which is a Kroger specific brand.
SC: <Gives the CBF> But it says--
Me: AND it also says the deal is good with a Kroger Plus card, meaning you need to be a club card member, thus the deal is only valid at KROGER.
SC: But they price match any ad!!
Me: On IDENTICAL items. meaning 1 gallon of whole Borden milk for 1 gallon of whole Borden milk. Not organic grass fed, free range whatever beef for store brand ground beef. NOT 4 pounds of potato salad for the price of two pounds. IDENTICAL means THE SAME!!
SC: what the fuck do you know!?!
Me: I know how to read...
SC: Fine, fuck this. I'm never shopping here again!!! <leaves her crap on the conveyor belt and marches off.>
Me: Promises, promises...
My transaction went smoothly, thank the gods, and I was able to escape...but not for long because then it was...dun dun dun!! On to the second store. Thus, the Kroger hijinks:
Story the Fourth: Reading. Still fundamental, dammit!!
I hit the instore starbucks first and foremost, because I'm thirsty, tired, and want a hit of caffeine to brace myself for round 2. And I immediately encounter suckage. sonofa--!!
SC: <Screaming at barista!!> This is supposed to be $2!! Your sign says a cold grande beverage for $2!!!!
B: Uh, sir, that's only for after 2 pm, with a receipt from earlier in the day. It's called a treat receipt...
SC: Where does it say that!! This is supposed to be $2!!!
Me: <From behind him.> Oh, FFS!!! Read the ENTIRE sign, and it's RIGHT THERE in front of your face!!
SC: <Jumps a mile. He hadn't heard me come up behind him> Wha--but---he said!!
Me: <Points the sign and reads it word for word.> Starbucks Treat Receipt is back. Bring a receipt from THIS MORNING in to any participating Starbucks AFTER 2PM and receive a 16 oz iced beverage for only $2.
SC: Oh...well...uh...
B: That's $4.50, sir.
SC: <Pays and flees>
B: <Turns and looks at me.> So. Bad day??
Me:
I've been grocery shopping all morning, and haven't had any caffeine yet.B: ...ouch...
I get my drink, and toddle off. I keep my head down, and fervently ignore anyone and everyone in the hopes of avoiding encountering stupidity while I shop. And success! I make it all the way to the checkout stand unscathed!!
Or so I think...
Story the Fifth: Wah wah watermelon!!
Note here. Kroger has those mini personal seedless watermelons on sale 2 for $5. So, what does the genius in front of me do? Brings up a 20 lb seeded watermelon and proceeds to pitch an unholy fit because it's ringing up for $4.99.
SC: This is false advertising!!
KE: (Kroger Employee) Well, sir, I can send someone to check the price for you and--
SC: Look! <Waves the ad at the poor cashier> It says RIGHT here. Watermelon is 2 for $5. This should be $2.50!!
Me: <sighs again and mutters to myself, but quietly. I really, really don't want to get dragged into another mess, really I don't...>
SC: Get me your manager!!
KE: <after reading the entire ad> Sir...this ad says it's for the dulcinea personal watermelons. This isn't one of those. It's also for seedless, and this is seeded.
SC:
Uh...KE: Would you still like to see my manager, sir?
SC: <Huffs> Nevermind, forget it. I'll just get the rest of this stuff but <get ready for it!!> i'm never shopping here again!!!
Me: <After he leaves and I'm getting my items rung up> You say that so often, I do not think you know what it means...
KE: <stares at me for a moment.> I love Princess Bride!!
Me:
And thus I left my final stop and was safely on my way home...
Or not.
Bonus story: Bus Stop Bumfuckery
I'm waiting for the bus to take me home, when I get this little gem. A random guy comes up to me and asks if I have any spare money.
me: sorry, I don't carry cash
him: Please? I'm just trying to scrape together some money to get something to eat.
Me: No, sorry. I don't carry cash. I bought some fresh fruit and cheese sticks though. <I rummage through my bags and hand him a cheesestick, an apple and a banana.> It's not much, but--
Him: <Cuts me off> No, it's NOT!!
Me: Eh??!
Him: I asked for MONEY, not FOOD!! Stupid bitch.
Me: <Puts the fruit back>Correction, you asked for money to buy food. Which I then offered you. Really, if you want drugs or booze, be honest. I still won't give you anything, but at least you'd be honest!
Him: Oh yeah? Fuck you! With your banana!!!
Me: ...
Him: What, no answer? Ha!!
Me: <Standing, since my bus is pulling to the curb> No, sir, but generally when engaging in a battle of wits, I try really hard not to fight the unarmed.
He: <blinks stupidly>
and I get on the bus and head home. Where I am now. with the door locked. It's 2 pm. that's early enough for a drink. Or 5. Right...?
for you, and 
for the Scs you had to encounter.
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