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Hi! I work 3rd shift tech support for a pretty awesome copier/printer company. MY boss referred me here. This is an example of what I deal with...
FArchivist = FArchivist
AweCo = awesome co-worker
Boss = my supe
MrDecaf = really needs to lay off the java
AngSec = angry secretary
MrImp = mr impatient
So I got this call transferred to me around 5PM PST last Friday. Why the secretary is calling then instead of earlier during the day I don't know, but it sure wasn't for my benefit.
FArchivist: *spiel*
AngSec: This be AS at [SCHOOL NAME REDACTED]. Yes, I've got this problem with faxing. When we fax locally, it goes through fine. When we try long-distance, it won't go. I been taking home these faxes and faxing from home long distance every night! There's a problem with this machine.
FArchivist: Ok. Have you attempted to do a manual fax instead of an automatic one?
AngSec: We ain't never got no training on this here machine.
FArchivist: Are you in front of the copier?
AngSec: Yes.
FArchivist: Ok. Let me lead you through it manually. *Here I perform a procedure that acts like picking up a handset, so you can hear the dial tones as the fax number is manually dialed. She's contacting a local number and entering an access code that forwards to another area code. Dialing produces a busy signal.* All right, ma'am, it seems that this number is getting a busy signal. It will turn out to be a problem with the line or with a need to introduce pauses into-
AngSec: *cuts me off* It ain't no problem with the line! It ain't no problem with the line! It the damn machine! Send someone out!
FArchivist: Ma'am, this is a problem that can be easily resolv-
AngSec: I done talking with you! Gimme yo manager!
FArchivist: I'm afraid he is unavailable at the moment. I can transfer you to his-
AngSec: What's his name?
FArchivist: His name is Boss.
AngSec: What's your name?
FArchivist: As I said at the beginning of the call, my name is FArchivist
AngSec: I'm'a gonna complain about you and you sayin' it might be the LINE cause that's a lie! The MyCorp tech does our phone lines! He would have told us!
FArchivist: Ma'am, we do not work on telephone lines. Only copiers.
AngSec: BULLSHIT! You send somebody out! HAVE A NICE DAY! *click*
I read the notes for the account, go "Damn it." and call her right back. Sending out anything billable requires authorization from the principal of the school. Of course, I get her right back.
FArchivist: I'm afraid we were disconnected.
AngSec: Ain't no disconnection! I hung up!
FArchivist: If I do send a CSR out for this reason, ma'am, it will be billa-
AngSec: I don't care!
FArchivist: Ma'am, according to the notes I need to authorize this with the principal of the school-
AngSec: You ain't never talking to her! I'm her secretary, you have to get through me!
FArchivist: Nevertheless ma'am, I need-
AngSec: I DONE TALKING WITH YOU! HAVE A NICE DAY!
After that, I just sighed and dispatched the CSR, which comes at a billable rate of $198/hr for non-contract issues, payable up front please by check/credit card/PO or no service, thank you very much. At the urging of Boss when he came back from wherever he was, I found the elementary school online and lo and behold, the contact section had the email addresses of AngSec, the principal, and the assistant principal. I put my notes from the call and the "resolution requested" in an email and shifted it out to those three.
When I came in today, while I'm in the breakroom filling up on coffee, Boss tells me he got a very irate person on the phone on Monday who was railing about me. It was AngSec above, calling about the same email that I sent and how I was lying about what the issue was, blah, blah. He advised her of the same problem - an issue with the phone line. She didn't believe him either.
Checking the call this evening, the call was cancelled by the principal on Tuesday. Per notes, AngSec a) didn't have the authority to authorize a billable visit and b) the problem was actually with the line, which had an LD block that didn't allow it to reach the local forwarding number.
=====
AweCo: Farchivist, you need to take this customer before I choke a bitch.
Farchivist: Problematic?
AweCo: You ain't lyin'.
Farchivist: Wants a boss-type person?
AngSec: Yup. And before you ask, Boss has already gone home. We're it right now.
Farchivist: *sigh* Send 'em over.
Farchivist: Hallo, this is Farchvist. What type of problem are you having?
MrDecaf: Are you a real technician?
I really fucking hate people who ask this question. No, asshole, I play one on TV.
Farchivist: Yes, sir.
MrDecaf: This machine is telling me the used toner bottle is full. What the hell does that mean?
FArchivist: All right, sir. The used toner bottle accepts waste toner from jobs done on the machine. Once full, it needs to be emptied before-
MrDecaf: I know that, dipshit.
Aw hell no. Look, I've been doing this shit way too long to put up with that. I'm not putting up with someone calling me ANYTHING like that when I'm trying to help them. But before I could give them Standard Warning #1...
MrDecaf: RIGHT NOW, you're going to tell me how to remove that used toner bottle from the machine. I have 6000 brochures I need to have printed by tomorrow morning and it won't do a damn thing.
Farchivist: *check stats* That model of the machine requires a tech to come out onsite, sir.
MrDecaf: And that's why I asked if you're a real technician. A real technician would lead me through it!
At this point, I went slightly uncool. I shouldn't have told him what was needed to go through it. But I was fairly confident he didn't have the tools anyway and I KNEW he didn't have a new used toner cartridge.
FArchivist: All right, fine. You'll need a Bristol screwdriver, a grounding wire, and a new used toner cartridge with a clean sensor attached to it.
MrDecaf: And where the fuck do I get another used toner cartridge? They're at Staples, right?
FArchivist: No, you can't get them from a retail store. They come out of our parts warehouses. They're not available for sale anywhere.
MrDecaf: Well goddammit! Why can't I just reuse the one I got?
FArchivist: Because the sensor in the used bottle has already been tripped and can't be reset. It needs a new sensor to-
MrDecaf: THISPIECEOFSHITRAHRAHASSHOLERAHRAH *click*
We never heard from him again that night. I was kind of surprised he lost his shit early, though I expected him to lose it eventually. Actually, I was expecting him to trip up by not having a Bristol screwdriver.
=====
FArchivist: *spiel*
MrImp: I've got an [MODEL NAME REDACTED] here and I've tried to set up both scanning to the email and the server on the machine and it won't work. It keeps telling me to specify sender on the email.
FArchivist: Ok, that's no problem. We can correct that here. Are you able to go to the machine?
MrImp: No, it's not possible to reach it by phone.
FArchivist: Ok, let me give you the proc-
MrImp: I don't have time to write down anything.
FArchivist: ...
MrImp: So how are are we going to get this fixed?
FArchivist: In setting up scanning, we provide support for that over the phone. If you don't have a phone close to the machine, can I call you back on a cell phone?
MrImp: I'm not using my personal cell phone for this.
FArchivist: Ok. That rather limits our options here.
MrImp: Can't you send someone out?
FArchivist: Yes sir, I can. However, dispatching a technician to set that up is NOT covered under your contract and would be billable.
MrImp: What? Look, you can't just not provide support for this copier. We have several of these in the building and we can't set up a one of them for scanning! We'll just have to junk them and get different machines that can do what we want if you can't set this up.
At this point, everything is out the window. Per policy, I am now allowed to give him straight truth and be as blunt as I care to because he's using the "economic threat" procedure. I love the policies at my company.
FArchivist: We can easily assist you with that over the phone. We can set them up; it all depends on your willingness to work with us.
MrImp: My IT department says these things require special passwords to access!
FArchivist: *flatly* They don't.
MrImp: My boss wants stuff scanned! Why do we have to pay for a tech to set it up here?
FArchivist: You don't. We can set it up for free over the phone.
MrImp: I only have a few minutes in the day I can call you people. I don't have time for all that!
FArchivist: You can also look at the detailed procedure in the manual, available on our website.
MrImp: *excited* Let's do that.
FArchivist: Ok. Go to *gives instructions on bringing up the PDF manual*
MrImp: This won't work. It's huge, like a dictionary! I don't have time to go through all this.
Note: The manual is 200 pages in PDF format. The scan setup is 5 of those pages...2/3 of each page covered with huge graphics and maybe two sentences of text detailing the process in step-by-step Stupid Mode.
MrImp: You need to send a tech out!
FArchivist: Setting up scanning to either email or a folder on the network requires the services of a network engineer-
MrImp: That's what we want! A network engineer!
FArchivist: -and network engineering isn't covered by your service contract. Network engineering is available at the cost of $150.00 per hour.
MrImp: *sounding satisfied* Fine. Send one out then.
FArchivist: Not a problem. We require a method of payment in advance; we accept check, credit card number, or purchase order.
MrImp: ...
FArchivist: ...
MrImp: *surly* I'll have to get a PO and call you back. *click*
FArchivist: Fine.
I'm not:
- going to help your laziness and impatience.
- going to cater to your whims by providing a chargeable service for free.
- fair.
FArchivist = FArchivist
AweCo = awesome co-worker
Boss = my supe
MrDecaf = really needs to lay off the java
AngSec = angry secretary
MrImp = mr impatient
So I got this call transferred to me around 5PM PST last Friday. Why the secretary is calling then instead of earlier during the day I don't know, but it sure wasn't for my benefit.
FArchivist: *spiel*
AngSec: This be AS at [SCHOOL NAME REDACTED]. Yes, I've got this problem with faxing. When we fax locally, it goes through fine. When we try long-distance, it won't go. I been taking home these faxes and faxing from home long distance every night! There's a problem with this machine.
FArchivist: Ok. Have you attempted to do a manual fax instead of an automatic one?
AngSec: We ain't never got no training on this here machine.
FArchivist: Are you in front of the copier?
AngSec: Yes.
FArchivist: Ok. Let me lead you through it manually. *Here I perform a procedure that acts like picking up a handset, so you can hear the dial tones as the fax number is manually dialed. She's contacting a local number and entering an access code that forwards to another area code. Dialing produces a busy signal.* All right, ma'am, it seems that this number is getting a busy signal. It will turn out to be a problem with the line or with a need to introduce pauses into-
AngSec: *cuts me off* It ain't no problem with the line! It ain't no problem with the line! It the damn machine! Send someone out!
FArchivist: Ma'am, this is a problem that can be easily resolv-
AngSec: I done talking with you! Gimme yo manager!
FArchivist: I'm afraid he is unavailable at the moment. I can transfer you to his-
AngSec: What's his name?
FArchivist: His name is Boss.
AngSec: What's your name?
FArchivist: As I said at the beginning of the call, my name is FArchivist
AngSec: I'm'a gonna complain about you and you sayin' it might be the LINE cause that's a lie! The MyCorp tech does our phone lines! He would have told us!
FArchivist: Ma'am, we do not work on telephone lines. Only copiers.
AngSec: BULLSHIT! You send somebody out! HAVE A NICE DAY! *click*
I read the notes for the account, go "Damn it." and call her right back. Sending out anything billable requires authorization from the principal of the school. Of course, I get her right back.
FArchivist: I'm afraid we were disconnected.
AngSec: Ain't no disconnection! I hung up!
FArchivist: If I do send a CSR out for this reason, ma'am, it will be billa-
AngSec: I don't care!
FArchivist: Ma'am, according to the notes I need to authorize this with the principal of the school-
AngSec: You ain't never talking to her! I'm her secretary, you have to get through me!
FArchivist: Nevertheless ma'am, I need-
AngSec: I DONE TALKING WITH YOU! HAVE A NICE DAY!
After that, I just sighed and dispatched the CSR, which comes at a billable rate of $198/hr for non-contract issues, payable up front please by check/credit card/PO or no service, thank you very much. At the urging of Boss when he came back from wherever he was, I found the elementary school online and lo and behold, the contact section had the email addresses of AngSec, the principal, and the assistant principal. I put my notes from the call and the "resolution requested" in an email and shifted it out to those three.
When I came in today, while I'm in the breakroom filling up on coffee, Boss tells me he got a very irate person on the phone on Monday who was railing about me. It was AngSec above, calling about the same email that I sent and how I was lying about what the issue was, blah, blah. He advised her of the same problem - an issue with the phone line. She didn't believe him either.
Checking the call this evening, the call was cancelled by the principal on Tuesday. Per notes, AngSec a) didn't have the authority to authorize a billable visit and b) the problem was actually with the line, which had an LD block that didn't allow it to reach the local forwarding number.
=====
AweCo: Farchivist, you need to take this customer before I choke a bitch.
Farchivist: Problematic?
AweCo: You ain't lyin'.
Farchivist: Wants a boss-type person?
AngSec: Yup. And before you ask, Boss has already gone home. We're it right now.
Farchivist: *sigh* Send 'em over.
Farchivist: Hallo, this is Farchvist. What type of problem are you having?
MrDecaf: Are you a real technician?
I really fucking hate people who ask this question. No, asshole, I play one on TV.
Farchivist: Yes, sir.
MrDecaf: This machine is telling me the used toner bottle is full. What the hell does that mean?
FArchivist: All right, sir. The used toner bottle accepts waste toner from jobs done on the machine. Once full, it needs to be emptied before-
MrDecaf: I know that, dipshit.
Aw hell no. Look, I've been doing this shit way too long to put up with that. I'm not putting up with someone calling me ANYTHING like that when I'm trying to help them. But before I could give them Standard Warning #1...
MrDecaf: RIGHT NOW, you're going to tell me how to remove that used toner bottle from the machine. I have 6000 brochures I need to have printed by tomorrow morning and it won't do a damn thing.
Farchivist: *check stats* That model of the machine requires a tech to come out onsite, sir.
MrDecaf: And that's why I asked if you're a real technician. A real technician would lead me through it!
At this point, I went slightly uncool. I shouldn't have told him what was needed to go through it. But I was fairly confident he didn't have the tools anyway and I KNEW he didn't have a new used toner cartridge.
FArchivist: All right, fine. You'll need a Bristol screwdriver, a grounding wire, and a new used toner cartridge with a clean sensor attached to it.
MrDecaf: And where the fuck do I get another used toner cartridge? They're at Staples, right?
FArchivist: No, you can't get them from a retail store. They come out of our parts warehouses. They're not available for sale anywhere.
MrDecaf: Well goddammit! Why can't I just reuse the one I got?
FArchivist: Because the sensor in the used bottle has already been tripped and can't be reset. It needs a new sensor to-
MrDecaf: THISPIECEOFSHITRAHRAHASSHOLERAHRAH *click*
We never heard from him again that night. I was kind of surprised he lost his shit early, though I expected him to lose it eventually. Actually, I was expecting him to trip up by not having a Bristol screwdriver.
=====
FArchivist: *spiel*
MrImp: I've got an [MODEL NAME REDACTED] here and I've tried to set up both scanning to the email and the server on the machine and it won't work. It keeps telling me to specify sender on the email.
FArchivist: Ok, that's no problem. We can correct that here. Are you able to go to the machine?
MrImp: No, it's not possible to reach it by phone.
FArchivist: Ok, let me give you the proc-
MrImp: I don't have time to write down anything.
FArchivist: ...
MrImp: So how are are we going to get this fixed?
FArchivist: In setting up scanning, we provide support for that over the phone. If you don't have a phone close to the machine, can I call you back on a cell phone?
MrImp: I'm not using my personal cell phone for this.
FArchivist: Ok. That rather limits our options here.
MrImp: Can't you send someone out?
FArchivist: Yes sir, I can. However, dispatching a technician to set that up is NOT covered under your contract and would be billable.
MrImp: What? Look, you can't just not provide support for this copier. We have several of these in the building and we can't set up a one of them for scanning! We'll just have to junk them and get different machines that can do what we want if you can't set this up.
At this point, everything is out the window. Per policy, I am now allowed to give him straight truth and be as blunt as I care to because he's using the "economic threat" procedure. I love the policies at my company.
FArchivist: We can easily assist you with that over the phone. We can set them up; it all depends on your willingness to work with us.
MrImp: My IT department says these things require special passwords to access!
FArchivist: *flatly* They don't.
MrImp: My boss wants stuff scanned! Why do we have to pay for a tech to set it up here?
FArchivist: You don't. We can set it up for free over the phone.
MrImp: I only have a few minutes in the day I can call you people. I don't have time for all that!
FArchivist: You can also look at the detailed procedure in the manual, available on our website.
MrImp: *excited* Let's do that.
FArchivist: Ok. Go to *gives instructions on bringing up the PDF manual*
MrImp: This won't work. It's huge, like a dictionary! I don't have time to go through all this.
Note: The manual is 200 pages in PDF format. The scan setup is 5 of those pages...2/3 of each page covered with huge graphics and maybe two sentences of text detailing the process in step-by-step Stupid Mode.
MrImp: You need to send a tech out!
FArchivist: Setting up scanning to either email or a folder on the network requires the services of a network engineer-
MrImp: That's what we want! A network engineer!
FArchivist: -and network engineering isn't covered by your service contract. Network engineering is available at the cost of $150.00 per hour.
MrImp: *sounding satisfied* Fine. Send one out then.
FArchivist: Not a problem. We require a method of payment in advance; we accept check, credit card number, or purchase order.
MrImp: ...
FArchivist: ...
MrImp: *surly* I'll have to get a PO and call you back. *click*
FArchivist: Fine.
I'm not:
- going to help your laziness and impatience.
- going to cater to your whims by providing a chargeable service for free.
- fair.
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