"Cel-e-brate va-cay, COME ON!"

[Jester]

What, you guys have never heard that Kool and the Gang song? Yeah, yeah, I know....good times, not vacay. Whatfuckingever. Details, details, details. Doesn't change the fact that I am officially on vacation, and will be realistically on vacation tomorrow when Little Red and I drive up to Lauderdale.

Still doing laundry, packing bags, harrassing deadbeat ex-roommates, watching porn...you know, all those little things you have to do to get ready for a good vacation. Especially when you're spending five nights in a town known for drinking (Fort Liquordale, anyone?) with a girl whose boyfriend isn't too sure about the idea, but fuck him since this was planned before she even met him, and besides, he's kind of a tool anyway.

Should be amusing in many ways. One notable one being to see if Little Red, now officially in a relationship, will actually show any ability as a wing man. Normally, she claims to make an effort, but in reality that effort lasts only until the alcohol kicks in and she sees the first of many Cute Boys. Love Red to death, but she is all about herself and finding boys when we are out drinking and she's single. Which is a bit fucked up, since I have often been a great wing man for her. But, to her credit, she is only the second worst wing man among my friends. Unlike the first, she has never gotten me almost killed.

So....two nights at the beach and three nights downtown for a festival that will no longer be there, with a cute girl that I have no interest in who has no interest in me (romantically and sexually speaking, of course), hopefully eating great food and drinking new and wonderful beers and maybe even wines.

That reminds me....I need a notebook for this trip. Shit. Another thing I have to do in the morning. (Adds to checklist.)

Well, you folks all enjoy your week and weekend. I shall endeavor to check in between binges, meals, and/or hangovers.

According to the professional bookmakers in Las Vegas, the current odds of Jester actually hooking up with a hot chick on this vacay: 15-1 against. The smart money is against, unless there are a bunch of desert chicks in Lauderdale this week. (Last two chicks I've hooked up with were from Phoenix. Go figure.) Vegas odds of Jester hooking up with a hot chick because of the wing man play of Little Red: 50-1 against. Place your bets now......

Happy Beer Fest, everyone!

[teh_blumchenkinder]

Have fun Jester! Lots of fun!

[hinakiba777]

there are so many songs with the word vacation in it Jester, you just tried too hard.

Anyway, have a great time. Hopefully Red surprises you and serves well as your Wingman. Now that she can't chase the cute boys...

[TowelKing]

I'm putting $20 USD on odds of 12:1 with an under/over of 2. But this means you have to catalog what ladies you actually try with. For it to count, you have to be able o hold a (seemingly) good conversation, but not seal the deal.

Any takers?

[hinakiba777]

I'd feel better if the margin was 3 over/under. 9 and 15 just seem like the numbers he's likely to hit.

[TowelKing]

If you're going to put money down, ill change it to $30 at a 12:1~3

[Sonoma]

Have fun, Jester. Next weekend, we're heading to Seattle to board a cruise to Alaska. Been planning this trip since September - doesn't even seem like it's really here.

[Jester]

Have fun Jester! Lots of fun!

Don't I always? Sting may be the King of Pain, but damnit, I am the King of Fun!

there are so many songs with the word vacation in it Jester, you just tried too hard.

Didn't try at all. That was just the song that came to my head at the time, actually.

Hopefully Red surprises you and serves well as your Wingman.

So far, not so much. Even though I pointed out the perfect girl in the bar. But then, my own fault for not making anything resembling a play for the girl, just staring at her in awe at that bar. Whatever. At least Red now knows what the epitome of "my type" is.

I'm putting $20 USD on odds of 12:1 with an under/over of 2. But this means you have to catalog what ladies you actually try with. For it to count, you have to be able o hold a (seemingly) good conversation, but not seal the deal.

I'm not sure I even understand this, but I will tell you, have not had any conversations with girls worth cataloguing yet, other than our bartender at Cervezas in Miami. Hell, we've been laughing too much about so many things.

I have not only not sealed any deals, I haven't even negotiated any. But the Vegas odds I posted earlier were for me sealing a deal, so not sure what odds you are betting one....or what deal, for that matter.

It's feel better if the margin was 3 over/under. 9 and 15 just seem like the numbers he's likely to hit.

And that is completely not English to me!

[TowelKing]

Jester: basically, I'm putting money on you having a 12:1 chance of getting laid with a 3:1 spread...so basically, $30 on you having a 9:1-15:1 chance of getting lucky. But you have to keep track of how many times you try.

[Jester]

You may be out of luck then, TowelKing, as the number of times I try is already known: zero.

See, I used to try all the time to get laid, and all I got was disappointment. Now I simply don't try, and if something happens, great. And if nothing happens...I'm still in a great mood!

Some would call it basic laziness. I call it intelligent laziness.

[Jester]

Hopefully Red surprises you and serves well as your Wingman. Now that she can't chase the cute boys...

Update: Red still sucks great big donkey balls as a wingman.

Now, she's still distracted by the cute boys, although she is neither chasing them nor messing with them, but that doesn't seem to be the problem. The problem is that she is just not built to be a wingman, psychologically speaking. I don't know why, but today at breakfast brought it home to me with the amazing clarity that only a major hangover can bring.

You see, our waitress was an absolute delight. Just a scream. Definitely our best server since we've been here, probably the best one we'll see all beercation. And she was one of those people that is somewhat good-looking, but her personality makes her that much better looking. So of course it was a natural idea to ask her to join us out drinking tonight. And of course, it would be far less creepy or obvious if Red did it.

To which she told me that I should ask the waitress; why should she? See? She just doesn't get the whole wingman thing at all.

It's all good, though. Red finally (after much arm-twisting from me, and some bacon for her bloody) did suggest that the said waitress should join us this evening. Kind of lamely, but she did do it. As it turns out, she'll be working at the bar tonight, so we'll just come back and see her then.

But you see my point. Red is not a Wingman. She's never been a Wingman. And by all the evidence available, she never will be a Wingman.

But it's all good. Still going to have a blast up here, enjoying the drinks and all the beautiful women. Of which Liquordale is, it seems, overstocked.

Peace out, homies!

[Jester]

As part of my beercation, I was determined to keep working out. Since physical exercise is a great way to rid oneself of a hangover, I saw it as a win win situation. Naturally, Red didn't think I was going to do it. Or she thought I was crazy for doing it. Or both. Not really sure, actually.

Anyway, after breakfast, she went to the pharmacy to get some drugs for the cold that is fucking with her head. (And, as it turns out, to do some exploring, some window shopping, and get a manicure, pedicure, and massage. Go her.) I went in search of a bike to rent.

After a major miss (the bike place I was originally looking for was apparently no more), I found a place that rented bikes, scooters, motorcycles, cars....basically, anything with wheels. Hoping that they wouldn't just have beach cruisers, I headed in.

JESTER: "I'd like to rent a bicycle."
HIM: "I'm sorry, all we have left is road bikes."
JESTER: "Perfect! That's what I wanted!"

No cruisers. No mountain bikes. An honest to goodness semi-decent road bike. Looks pretty much almost exactly like this one. And it's not too shabby. Not nearly as filled with awesomeness as my beloved Amanda back home in Key West, but then, Amanda IS the best bike I've ever ridden. The Jamis is good enough. (Though the shifter positions are a bit....odd.)

So got back to the hotel, changed into workout gear, grabbed my biking gloves, and headed out down through the Strip by the beach in Fort Liquordale, the Elbo Room, etc. Went down and back, then up to the Commercial Pier, where I stopped for a pit stop (one water, one beer, one rum...sounds almost like a song!), then back to the hotel on the Strip. About 12+ miles.

Go me.

Now....back to the drinking!

[hinakiba777]

I believe I speak for most of your fans when I say;

Jester, we demand MORE vacation updates!

[Jester]

You'll get more when I get back home, damn it.

Tonight, I torpedoed a relationship, and I can't be happier.

Little Red and I were at a beer bar (awesome place!), and she tagged us as being there on facebook.

And an old friend of hers from college responded, saying he was right around the corner, as he lived there. And so he joined us.

And this was a guy she had a huge crush on in college (they went to the same school) and had not seen in six years.

I don't really care for her boyfriend.

I predicted before we even left Key West that she would hook up before me, despite the fact that I'm single and she isn't.

I was right.

He showed up, and even I, a straight guy, thought he was pretty fucking hot. That's not being gay...the dude was a looker. The kind of guy you hate just for existing. Yeah....that guy.

Still, Red insisted that nothing would happen.

Yeah, right.

As the night went on, they got closer and closer (and I bought his beers, because, ya know, I'm like that), and at one point, I looked over, and sure enough, they are playing tongue hockey.

YES! YES YES YES YES FUCKING YES!

(Did I mention the fact that I think her boyfriend is a fucking tool?)

So she keeps saying that she's a terrible person and she's going to hell.

So as we're getting ready to leave, she asks what we're doing.

I tell her she has two options. He can come party with us in downtown FTL, or she can go home with him. I'm good with either one, and actually prefer the second one, as I don't really want to pay for a second room at the hotel or sleep in the hallway.

She goes home with him.

I cannot remember ever being so happy for not getting any myself.

I still have not hooked up with a girl, but I love this development.

Amusingly, he is surprised this never happened in college, whereas she is shocked that it's happening now. Apparently the feeling was mutual.

Now, will I tell her boyfriend? Hell no. I'll just sit back and watch that relationship torpedo itself. She is too good a person not to tell him about this. And he...well, he won't like it very much. I can't blame him. But fuck him....he's a tool.

She may be going to hell, but I am driving the bus to get there!

[Jester]

Yes, yes, I know. Cheating is bad. And frankly, I am against it. And yet, I have nothing but joy for this situation. Joy joy joy joy joy. And more joy. I just can't condemn Red for this.

Amusingly, the odds against me hooking up with a woman up here has now jumped to 40-1 against, not just because of my lackadaisical attitude about it all, but because that wench Red got me sick with whatever was ailing her. So now I have a sore throat, a cough, and a slightly stuffed up nose, which I am battling with massive amounts of alcohol.

One more full day, plus our exit day. So far, not a sniff of a hookup for ole Jester. Even the last girl I hooked up with thinks this is fucked up, and was wondering (while she was in the bath last night textine me) why I was texting her and not, and I quote, "chattin up some girl n gettin ur own action!"

Last chance to place your bets, kids. Me, I think the smart money is one a continued chaste beercation. Sad, but true.

Okay, time to go find Red!