Nice to know I'm a part of this family

[TawnyMyst]

So my mom called me yesterday afternoon. Woke me up as she usually does, as me working night shift never occurs to her that I sleep during the day. It was her usual weekly check in that I'd missed by being at a company function for my husbands work on Sunday. So I get the where were you? Why didn't you answer? Why didn't you let me know ahead of time you wouldn't be home? (I did, she didn't remember) The usual 20 questions about my life that make me glad I live 4 provinces away from her and can control it to one visit a year if I'm lucky and a phone call a week.

We chat for a while and then after I ask for updates on the family she tells me that my Great Aunt D. had passed two weeks ago. Really the only family member on her side of the family that stood up for me and treated me like a human being, not even my grandmother did that. The only family member on her side of the family that I wanted anything to do with. The only one who saw me as a person and was proud of me, died two weeks ago and you are just now telling me?

Her excuse, well I didn't want you to waste your money coming home for the funeral, I know how expensive tickets are and if you come home now, you can't come home for your birthday. You know what, who gives a f**k about my birthday, I would have liked to say goodbye to her. Or if I couldn't come home, I could have sent flowers or a donation.

I called my cousin who was organizing everything and sent my condolences and asked if donations were being accepted to anything like cancer awareness or something. I wish I hadn't now, I got treated to an hour long lecture about how I was an ungrateful brat who never did anything to help the family, i.e., since I moved out here I haven't been to family events where they can drop their kids on me and take off to do there own thing, or be the maid after the party is over, etc. I was also informed that I had no excuse for not being at the funeral if my cousin could come home from overseas, I could damn well come home from the other side of the country. My money is apparently not welcomed in her name because I'm the bitch that turned her back on the family. Didn't even want to hear that I didn't even know that she had passed on until yesterday, nope I did it deliberately to be an inconvenience to her and she had to pay for a babysitter at the funeral as I hadn't shown up to look after her brats.

I called my mom back after talking to this witch and told her that I would no longer have any contact with her family and that as far as I was concerned they could go rot. She went on about that it was just grief talking and that I should give it time to cool down and then contact them again, ignoring that this has been just like every interaction with her family that I have ever had as far back as I can remember. I just don't know what to do anymore to get her to see how they treat me, my dad sees it and supports me when I say I want nothing to do with them, but mom can't and won't. And now the one family member I would have kept in contact with is gone so good riddance to the entire family.

[ArcticChicken]

Hold your own memorial, just for yourself. And good riddance to the rest of them.

[TowelKing]

Believe it or not, and this goes against the classic saying, you can choose your family.

I chose my family a few years ago. Nobody from my mothers side except for a grandmother with no blood relation, is part of my 'family.' And i like it.

Choose your family.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Wow, just wow. I know a lot of other people who sadly have families just like this, and even though my only family is (mostly) great, I fully support a person's decision to break ties with a toxic family. Forget all that "blood is thicker than water" BS.

I'm very sorry to hear about your great aunt's passing. (((HUGS)))

[Marmalady]

"blood is thicker than water"

And a lot nastier, in many cases.

Stick to your guns re the family, hon - your mother may think now that you don't mean what you say, but eventually it will sink in. *hugs*

[Jester]

Three things.

First, about your mom not telling you. My mom used to do stuff like this too, but in her defense, she didn't want to stress me with things like this. I made it VERY clear to Mom that in the future, any time something like this happens, I WANT to know, and I want to know IMMEDIATELY. And Mom has honored that request ever since. And that conversation happened when I was in the dorms, so that would have been in the late Eighties.

Secondly, about your mom calling you at a bad time. Also in the dorms, I had a conversation with my mom about stuff like this. At the time, I was at Arizona State University, and Mom lived in New Jersey. Mom is a morning person. I notoriously am not.

Saturday morning, dead asleep, and the phone rings.
ME: Hunh?
Mom: Blah blah blah blah blah.
Me: Hunh.
Mom: Blah blah blah blah blah.
Me: Hsjgflsf.
Mom: Well, if you're not even going to talk, I don't see the point to this conversation.
Me: Okay. *click* Hung up and went back to sleep.

Sunday morning, dead asleep, and the phone rings.
Me: Hunh?
Mom: Blah blah blah blah blah bl--
Me: Mom, it's 8:30 in the morning. I'm sleeping. Don't ever call me before noon again. *click*
My roommate, who addressed his parents as "Sir" and "Ma'am":
Me: Back to sleep.
Mom: Never called me before noon again.

Finally, about your cousin:

She's a worthless selfish fucking cunt. 'Nuff said.

[morgana]

your mother may think now that you don't mean what you say, but eventually it will sink in. *hugs*

Or it won't. Doesn't matter either way. Just cut 'em off, save yourself the grief, and every time your mother gives you snot about it, hang up on her.

And you have family here, if you want it.

[Laund-o-rama Mama]

Or it won't. Doesn't matter either way. Just cut 'em off, save yourself the grief, and every time your mother gives you snot about it, hang up on her.

And you have family here, if you want it.

Exactly, if this n00b may chime in. I come from a dysfunctional family with some very abusive/alcoholic members whose adult children are forever trying to get their approval or "make them see" things from their point of view. But it's futile. But these poor adult children keep trying and agonizing and leaving themselves WIDE open for more abuse from these tools.

You can't control how anyone else treats you; you can only control your reaction to it. Living well (and healthy) is the best revenge. And I'm sure your great aunt would want you to live happily.

[taxguykarl]

Count me as another agreeing with the decision to cut off the jerks.

"blood is thicker than water"

Yes, but by a thin margin (6% to be precise). After all, blood is mostly water.

Just cut 'em off, save yourself the grief, and every time your mother gives you snot about it, hang up on her.

And you have family here, if you want it.

Morgana's right about that. You will be on the receiving end of grief and abuse no matter what. Keep the family you made in your neck of the woods....and here at CS--we may be dysfunctional, but at least we don't abuse each other.

Finally, about your cousin:

She's a worthless selfish fucking cunt. 'Nuff said.

Jester's right about that. Grieving people are not impervious to logic. Cut her off as well.

If Aunty was the only one who didn't treat you like dirt, then she is the only one who deserved your company. For the rest of the 's: Live and let die!

[Shangri-laschild]

Her excuse, well I didn't want you to waste your money coming home for the funeral, I know how expensive tickets are and if you come home now, you can't come home for your birthday.

The spiteful part of me says to not visit for your birthday as a result but then again, I have a short fuse for family treating me like crap these days. :-) Sorry about your loss. And agreeing with everyone who says you choose your family.

[Sheldonrs]

You could have a small memorial services and have your friends over just to talk about your great aunt. Maybe even plant a flower for her in your backyard.

And you could also dig another hole to bury the connection to the rest of the family.

[Victory Sabre]

You might be related by blood to them, but they aren't family. After reading your post I don't blame you one bit for cutting them off. They really don't deserve you in their lives.

[Sapphire Silk]

Yup. Cut 'em off. I echo the other comments here.

I won't have anything to do with most of my relatives. With a couple of exceptions, they are self centered, childish, and all about them. I talk only to a couple of cousins and my brother.

I spend most of my affection on my adopted sister, her husband and kids. In return, they treat me like gold. They're my REAL family, as far as I'm concerned.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss . . .

I used to go through similar with my Dad . . . until 3 years ago when I called to find out he'd been in the hospital for a couple of days after collapsing at work.

I was one MAD bitch, let me tell you. I chewed him out over the phone and his wife as well for not calling me and informing me.

I am his oldest child and from his first marriage (he's been with #2 - my stepmom - for 27 years now and they have 2 girls together.) There's also a younger brother (who lives with me and Mom and who is also mentally challenged, but that's another topic for another thread.) I do NOT want to open up the Greensboro News and Record to hear that he's passed away. I am HIS CHILD for crying out loud . . .I need to know what's going on and if Dad himself can't call me and tell me, then I fully expect his wife - my stepmother - do call and let me know what's up.

He got the message and since then, he's been pretty good about letting me know what's going on. That June he had surgery for colon cancer (which the doctors had found during a colonoscopy a couple of weeks after his hospital stay.) Luckily it was localized and he's still having a checkup twice a year (March and September) and he's still showing no signs of recurrence.

I like to think I put the fear of ME in him and her both.

But yeah, I do recommend a word of prayer, so to speak. And if that doesn't improve things, then by all means cut them off if you feel the need to.

But don't go down without a fight if you choose to try at least once to get your message across.

We may not get to choose our families but we can choose whether or not it's worth the time and effort to be a part of that family tree.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Yes, but by a thin margin (6% to be precise). After all, blood is mostly water.

Picky, picky

First, about your mom not telling you. My mom used to do stuff like this too, but in her defense, she didn't want to stress me with things like this. I made it VERY clear to Mom that in the future, any time something like this happens, I WANT to know, and I want to know IMMEDIATELY.

My mom has done that with me on occasion. She's a wonderful person so I know she's only trying to protect me but I had to get a bit tough with her too. For example, the time she called me and made small talk for a few minutes, and then said..."oh, by the way, your dad cut his arm open with a chainsaw." Fortunately by then it had been a few days and he'd been all stitched up and made right again...but GAH!!! Mom!!!!