A Phoenix's Fight.

[RootedPhoenix]

I...I don't normally start threads.

I guess I feel like I'm bugging people. I hate lots of attention, hate it.

Some of you may have seen my post in the blanket fort thread.

I'm suicidal. I...I don't know that I have any definite plans, but I know I can't handle this alone anymore. I had to say something.

I don't normally even want to admit to needing help. But Plaid taught me that I can't just give up, and hurt everyone like that.

I have to be out of my home by the end of this month. It had been a total miracle to get in here. I don't have any income, but I managed to pay rent with assistance from my family and my church. I guess that wasn't good enough for the lady I'm subletting from. She wanted it to be my money. I guess I...really don't understand why she did that. She had first and last months rent, so..if I hadn't been able to pay, then she'd have that last month already paid. I guess she wanted a sure thing.

At least I have someone (friends of the family) willing to offer me a place to stay. Trouble is, it's in Kingman, Arizona...in the middle of nowhere. Few possible jobs, and I'd be dependent on them for almost everything.

I've been fighting my depression so hard lately. I keep getting migraines, and my health gets worse and worse. I keep asking for help...and it seems like nobody will care about me. I'll get told that I'm lazy...or that I don't really need the help...when it was already almost all I had just to ask for the help. People keep giving me information....that would have helped me 3 months ago, but is of marginal assistance now.

I am seeing a therapist, and will continue to do so. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe Kingman has the right doctors and medical assistance for me.

I..I probably don't make any sense. There's so much more to this that I'm not saying, and I'm too scattered to think straight. And I'm..I'm sorry. I'm sorry to unload on you guys when I know all of us have so much to deal with.

But I know CS cares lots and lots. I knew I'd feel better if I shared that I was feeling so badly. I still am having to take everything a day at a time, because I can't even promise myself anything else. Deep down, I don't want to kill myself...I only want the pain to stop.

But I can't just..hurt you guys. I'm...more of a lurker, but...I...I had to say something. Even if few of you know me, that's too many to hurt.

Help me?

[BookstoreEscapee]

Yes, people care. No, you're not bugging anyone here by starting a thread.

If people are offering to help you, take it. Use it to get on your feet. When you do you can repay them (whether monetarily or in some other way).

Call your therapist. Tell them what you wrote here. If you even think you might hurt yourself, call 911.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://www.azspc.org/

[Amina516]

Hi Phoenix,

Thank you for coming forward before doing something that cant be undone. I have to second the advice given above, if people are offering you somewhere to stay, TAKE IT. Get settled in and then weigh your prospects. I doubt anyone would care about supporting you for a while if it was a choice between helping you and letting you die. As it is, feel free to PM me if you need to talk.....buttat least take a peek at the links above or call a hotline. Im sure someone else will be by with some wiser words. Hang in there.

ETA: Hotline Info

Are you in crisis? Please call 1-800-273-TALK
Are you feeling desperate, alone or hopeless? Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), a free, 24-hour hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Your call will be routed to the nearest crisis center to you.

Call for yourself or someone you care about
Free and confidential
A network of more than 150 crisis centers nationwide
Available 24/7

[dalesys]

When you do you can repay them (whether monetarily or in some other way).

Or pass the support forward to someone else.

Shared pain is divided. Shared joy is multiplied.
-- Spider Robinson


Even small joys (i.e.: I spoke up) are wonderful.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I don't really know what to say, here. I can only tell you about my own experience and how I look back on my life now that I am well into middle age.

Sometimes, I used to call people to come stay with me, never telling them why, even though the reason why is that I didn't trust myself to be alone. I was in a bad place.

Been there.

You now are ahead of me when I was in that place. You're ahead of me because you realize now that all you want is to stop hurting. You don't really want to die. I get it. Back then, I wasn't sure there was a distinction. You do.

I'm going to tell you what a couple of my late friends didn't know. Pain is temporary. Always. It teaches you something. Ride it out. This pain now is not forever. Your life will change. Good things will happen, things you will not want to miss. Things worth waiting for. Some things worth hurting and bleeding for.

Stick around, and one day, you'll look at your life, and you'll remember back to this time in your life, maybe even this night. And it will scare the fuck out of you and you'll have to sit down and let the shaking pass. And the reason it will scare you is because you'll realize you might have missed something wonderful and robbed yourself.

The Wheel of Fortune turns. I tell myself that when I'm down. Eventually, it's your turn to have sun on your face if you just wait for it.

Let people take care of you. Clearly, they care. Go to Arizona. You will be where you need to be.

[Kheldarson]

I've been there before. And it's hard to ride it out, but you can do it.

Take your friends up on their offers.

Don't worry about your landlady...she's obviously insane. Money's money, right?

And keep talking to people. Your friends won't mind.

[Kara]

*hugs*

You have PM.

[Food Lady]

Please take the help you've been offered. We want you alive. There's no way I can begin to tell you how devastating Plaid's death is. I know there are people in your life who would be beyond despair. If you want someone to talk to, PM me.

[TawnyMyst]

You are loved and supported, I'm glad you made this thread so that we can support you in your fight. Take the offered support for the move, take the time to get back on your feet with their help. You don't need to repay in money form, you can repay by being there, maybe helping around the house, etc. But most of all if they support you this much, the biggest repayment to them is your presence in their life.

Call the support lines if you need it, that were offered previously and keep talking to us so that we know you are okay.

[Mikkel]

You are certainly not bothering us. I think we all rather would read your thoughts and problems than read your obituary.

I think I have said it before. I would much rather have cancer (as I have) than have a depression. At least people take my diagnosis seriously. Nobody tell me that I'm just lazy.
I don't have to wonder if I could do something to make it disappear.

Please hang on.

[NotMyProblem]

I'm glad you started this thread. Excellent advice has already been offered. If you ever want to talk or be distracted, PM me...

[MoonCat]

RK is so right. Don't give up, don't give in. Everybody goes through pain, sometimes horrible pain, and emotional pain can sometimes be worse than physical pain. But it stops, it does. Take this chance, as RK says, go to Arizona. You may find something wonderful there, or at least be in a place where you can take the time to get better.

Call that hotline. Those people care, just as we do here.

[dendawg]

Look at the upside, Phoenix. I know, bad as things are it's hard to see, but there is one: At least you have a place to go to, rather than becoming homeless. Things can only get better from here.

[dragon_wings]

I don't have any advice. But I'm here to talk. I've been depressed off and on for years. I've never gotten to the point you're at but my boyfriend and my ex have. Thankfully my boyfriend failed (I didn't know him then) and my ex just liked to think about it and talk about how she'd do it.

[BrightEyedKitty]

The fact that you're asking for help is a very good thing.

I know it's hard for people who have never dealt with depression to understand just how difficult it is to just put things out of your mind or "cheer up". It's a chemical imbalance that completely changes how you look at things.

Add me to the list of people that you're more than welcome to send a PM to. I'm going to be working quite a bit over the next few weeks, but the vast majority of my free time is spent online. Facebook is another way to get ahold of me as well. Just know you don't need an engraved invitation.