Dealing With An Overly Sensitive and Insecure Boyfriend

[blas]

I'm afraid there's been trouble in paradise already.

This guy is many times the world over better than the last. Everything the other wasn't. Has a job, a valid driver's license, no legal problems, no criminal record, has a future. Check check check. Good and good. This one is rather shy, sticks to himself (I wouldn't say antisocial because he has no problems meeting others, he's just really shy and quiet), and is more of a listener than a talker. Which is fine.

But...here comes the problem that is almost always the biggest problem with "Nice" guys. He is extremely overly sensitive, overly analytical over words, and is apparently very insecure.

I try not to judge too harshly, because I'm not perfect, and I have my own insecurities that I'll probably always have, and I've been known to be occasionally overly analytical myself, but I've never jeopardized perfectly fine relationships because of it. If something's going good, I try to not question it.

I noticed a problem right away about...a little over a month ago. I had taken a Wednesday night off of work, to have a day with him and then to have a long weekend (we work opposite shifts, I work during the week, he works weekends). I made a thread on Fratching about it, and probably confused a lot of people because I didn't provide details, most of it was because it was unfolding in the passing days and I was confused myself.

I made an off the wall comment while watching a TV show about something sexual that I like. Instead of saying anything, apparently, it struck a nerve with him and he didn't feel adequate over it. He also has moaned a lot over gaining a little weight (well, who hasn't?) and I mentioned buying that exercise bike he keeps saying he's going to buy. He took it as an insult, that I called him fat. When we were laying down getting ready to fall asleep, he had been playing with the elastic on my underwear, and I had said "Hey now.....don't be an ass." And I didn't even say it rudely. And he took it personally.

Now, after that paragraph, please note that I did not know that in those three instances I'd upset him.

He woke me up that next morning very early, told me he was sick, and was going to go home to sleep for work that night. I thought it odd, because he usually stayed an hour or so later, but went back to sleep and whatever.

Most evenings, we text each other when the one of us that has to work wakes up. I usually try to schedule my weekends so that I am around and able to text or talk, sometimes I can't, if I'm driving or with family or friends. But that Thursday night, I had already been to the gym and done my grocery shopping and was settling down to watch the first Packers game. The minutes passed and he didn't text me.

He finally texted me about 15 minutes before his shift was supposed to start. All it was was a simple "Morning." That was when I figured out there must have been something wrong and he was playing the silent treatment game with me, or that game where people want you to "realze" or "figure out" that they are pissed at you.

I tried to not give in or ask what was wrong. I don't like games, even though I was kinda playing it back to him, I wasn't about to give in. So I just tried a short conversation with him, only to be given one word responses via text.

It frustrated me enough that when he texted me on his break, I asked if anything was wrong, if he was still sick or whatnot. He said no. Ok. Nothing wrong, eh? So then I went back to trying to keep a conversation going, and I kept getting just one or few word replies.

Also note that this had been a particularly awesome pay period for us at work, we got our quarterly bonus, which wasn't huge but it sure went well along with overtime included, so I had made plans to actually get out that weekend and do more than just sit at home and play at the gym.

So that Friday, I was going to eat supper with my brother and go to the movies with him. I texted the bf that I'd be home to chat before he had to work, but I'd be out to dinner and a movie on his first break, so I wouldn't be able to talk with him until his lunch break. Now, I understand you can't always interpret the written word as gospel, but to me, these one worded replies seemed almost hurt and upset.

That Saturday, I was going to have a girls' night with one of my friends. Nothing wild or crazy, just two good friends going out for a couple drinks. Well, me, not her, she's pregnant. So yay, no need to worry about driving! I chatted with him before he went to work, and by the time it was his break time, I had just gotten picked up by my lady friend and we were on our way out.

He texted me and asked what I was up to. I said my friend just picked me up and we were going out. His response? "Have fun. Bye."

I was stupid and texted back "I have plenty of time to chat with you on your break, it's ok, you don't need to say goodbye." but I'm sure that's what he wanted and was trying to make me feel bad.

We usually hang out on Sunday afternoons before he goes to his last shift of the weekend. But, in his little tiff and silent treatment, he'd mentioned NOTHING about it, so I slept in and just went to my parents' house, and he barely spoke to me that night.

I finally had it and texted him that I knew something was wrong and I was tired of being given the silent treatment, the "I'm mad at you and am waiting for you to ask me why" game.

He said that I called him an asshole with the underwear thing. No, I didn't. That I thought he wasn't good enough at sex. No, I didn't. That I called him fat and that he needs to go buy exercise equipment. No, I didn't. And I "ditched" him on Sunday. No, I didn't.

It took a few days, but we worked it out. I told him I didn't appreciate that game he played with me, from now on, tell me if there's a problem. That he had no reason to be insecure. That I can't ALWAYS be there to talk when he wants to. That even though he's always there when I get up and ready for work, I go by a different weekend schedule and can't promise him that. And it's just how it's going to be. I will make every effort to be around to talk, but I still have family and friends I want to see. He seemed alright with it. Apologized, said he was used to being by himself and his problems being his own, and he was sorry he didn't let me know what was wrong.

Then today. He accused me of being "bored" with him. Because I didn't want to make my laundry wait and be late getting home today to spend a few hours with him. We didn't plan on it, so I'd already had my Friday plans of the gym and a nap, then cooking and cleaning. It wasn't a personal thing, he had only told me Thursday. I suppose because if I randomly ask him if he wants to pick me up for lunch break and he happily obliges, that must mean I have to drop anything I'm doing when he wants to hang out. Also, because I couldn't instantly think of a day for him to take off for us to hang together, and I know he was upset with me last Sunday because I told him NOT to call in sick just to see me, because I had plans with my family until later in the evening anyway.

So anyway, I had told him to quit worrying about me not being happy and being bored. Everything is fine. I said he needed to be more secure and confident in himself and us.

And he did not text me back for nearly an hour. And then he said "I don't know what to say. Talk to you later."

We chatted somewhat normal this evening, but I fell asleep because it was a VERY long week and I hurt myself at work the other night and I've had an unusual evening, was able to cook but not clean because of one of my arms and that side of my back hurting. So I wasn't able to text him on breaks. I'm not sure if he's upset or not. I guess I will find out tomorrow, if we go back to one worded responses.

I don't even know why guys like him are so damn insecure, so damn sensitive, and so easily offended or overly analytical. It's driving me bananas.

I WANT this to work. But if he continues being an emotional vampire like this, I'm not sure what to do.

Before anyone jumps gun, I am NOT going to just drop him, he does not try to control me, he just apparently doesn't realize or happily accept that I don't sit at home and do nothing every day off like he does. I am usually always home when I'm off work (except the gym), but when I have money and friends call me up, I DO want to do stuff. Especially with my brother. And I get the feeling he thinks I purposely schedule it that way.....I don't. It's my only time off.

[Emerald Knight]

Since you've made it clear that you don't want to drop him, it might be best to sit him down and talk to him about his behaviour and how it makes you feel. I'm a very insecure person, and my bf has clinical depression, but we learned how to overcome the others' flaws.

Try to remind him that doing things that have to be done (chores, jobs, etc.) and spending some time with friends doesn't mean you don't value him. Those whose lives surround their Significant Other often fall apart because they run out of things to talk about because they see everything the other is doing. Encourage him to do something with some of his friends, or find some hobby for himself.

In regards to the exercise, I'd say do it together, we've spoken about cycling together and are saving for new bikes.

[iradney]

TTO used to do the silent "guess what I'm mad about" treatment. I eventually completely lost it and shat him out from a dizzy height. I told him I'm not a mind reader, and if he acts like a little immature bitch with the "I'm mad at you, and if you loved me you'd know WHY goddamit" game, I'm not going to be able to do anything about it.

You could try telling him that by sulking and not explaining why he's upset, will just result in him upsetting himself more, as now he's building this up in his head after taking it out of context. Sharing is caring.

If he still acts like a sulky kid, then treat him like one. Or smack him upside the head, whichever works for you.

[blas]

Good ideas, guys. Thanks for reading and your responses

I'm not perfect myself, though I've overcome a lot of insecurities I had growing up. And truth be told, I do my damnest to not fuck up good things, you know? I can't understand why someone would act that way when nothing is wrong.

I've been one to analyze people too much, but I've never taken a single sentence or instance like I described and took it to mean that they were hurting me. I don't know where he gets it from.

I know with being extremely introverted and not having a lot of friends, he's apt to be slightly socially awkward, but the Silent Treatment is something that all kinds of people do. It's ostracizing and manipulative. I HATE IT. If he'd just say he needs to cool off or he's upset, that'd be fine. But the sulking or refusing to respond, is just irritating. And it's a slick move to try to make me guess and feel bad about myself. Not gonna work.

[Emerald Knight]

No one is perfect Blas. I mean, a number of guys seem to think that joking comments about sex (including rape of some form or another) or drugs is funny, when to me they're things I don't want to hear about, ever. Got some emotional scars behind both.

But there are those who work on their flaws and there are those who do nothing about them.

Just remember the cornerstones of any relationship, trust, communication, and compromise. Without those, relationships are only going to fall apart.

[blas]

Well then, it seems we have a lot to work on.

I trust him, but I'm starting to wonder if he doesn't trust me when he gets sulky because I'm out doing things with others on my nights off. I know I've spent many weekends alone at home (when I'm not at the gym or running errands), but that's mostly because I didn't have extra cash to splurge. I usually like to do things with my friends and family when I can. I wouldn't say he doesn't trust me, but I'm wondering if it's a jealousy. Could be as simple as him wishing he worked my shift, because I wish the same thing, it'd be a lot easier to be together and see one another.

We've been talking like normal today and this evening, so he must be over me pissing him off yesterday.

I just hate to have to walk on eggshells to avoid pissing people off. Some people have such hot buttons that are so easily pushed without trying to push them. My last boyfriend was the single most defensive person I've ever met, a single statement would send him into a yelling frenzy defending himself for no reason. This guy isn't loud, I've never heard him raise his voice or get that kind of upset, but it's just exhausting to be around people who you never know if you're pissing off or not. Especially when you're doing overtime reassuring them that everything is fine, blah blah blah.

[MaggieTheCat]

I would say definitely talk to him and tell him, specifically, that when he is upset, he needs to tell you that he is upset and why...especially if it's because of something you've done, so that you know and then the two of you can work on rectifying things. He may not even realize that what he's doing is rude/immature/ridiculous.

My mom is a master of the silent treatment. She would go days without talking to me, other than saying "If you don't know why, I'm not going to tell you" or "You know perfectly well why I'm mad!" when I'd ask her why she's upset. She got it from her mother, and I got it from her. I've mostly broken the cycle; if I'm upset with my husband, I've learned to usually cool down for a little while, and then tell him why I'm upset so we can talk about it. But for a while, I did the silent treatment thing too, because that's how I was raised and what I thought was normal.

[yeahwhatev]

No one is perfect, or always a good fit in personalities. People clash, it's in our natures to contest things. Your boyfriend sounds like he has learned the wrong lessons in life and is simply following the path he knows. Understand something....

You.
Will.
Never.
Change.
Him.

If he decides to come out of his funk, great. If he decides to lighten up after you've paid penance.. not so great. This is a lack of communication and poor way of getting revenge. The "poor way" is even worse, usually because the victim gets blamed for the revenge not working. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Since you asked for advice, here it is.

Talk.

Get in his face and politely demand attention. Tell him this is unacceptable. Tell him he needs to talk to you instead of assuming you know things. Don't stop. Either he will leave, and this means he would have left eventually anyway, or he will at least fake it. If he fakes it, and you still don't want to dump him... Keep it positive, keep it pleasant, but do NOT back down.

Emotional blackmail is the first step to co-dependency or an outright abusive relationship. Someone does not have to hit you to abuse you. If you feel bad every time you talk to someone, what are you getting?

It's an often repeated dogma... but professional counseling is available, sometimes for free. Look into it.

[Chazzie]

Although you say you don't want to drop him, I'm going to give you the best advice I can.

Drop him.

It may sound harsh, but you're dating my last ex. Although mine had a constant string of "am I bothering you" "is it okay if I do this" and so on. He even asked me over text if he could kiss me for the first time.

He would get upset over the littlest things like what you're talking about as well. I'd crack a joke and then a week or two later get "Do you really think I'm (?)" When I finally did break up with him, he asked me how long I'd been feeling that things weren't working out. I did lie and say a couple of weeks (It was actually a couple of months). And he got extremely upset that I was "hiding my feelings for so long". We only saw each other 3 times in that span of two weeks. One was for a friend's Duke Nukem Party (Like I'm spoiling that, we'd been waiting for that game for literally a decade), one was in front of all of his friends, and the next time I'd be seeing him? Eating dinner with his family for his birthday. regardless he tried to guilt trip me about hiding things from him. When I said I wouldn't mind still being friends, he talked to me about being upset that I'd dumped him, expecting me to hold his hand to get through the breakup. Finally he decided to get his stuff back from me, and texted me afterward "I don't think I can be friends with you."
Trying to keep it simple, I answered "Alrighty. Sorry."
And I got "Goodbye forever"

... We dated for 3 months off a blind date. We're hardly divorced.

When you meet someone insecure like this, you can't worry about hurting their feelings, because one way or another, you're going to manage it anyway. These are the kind of people that can't handle relationships, because they can't even handle themselves. When I told him it bugged me that he constantly worried about whether or not things were okay with me, or if he was bugging me, I could have sworn I saw a tail tuck between his legs. I would get responses like "I'll try not to text you as much then" and "Am I talking too much?" I would tell him no, it's not about whether you're talking too much or not, I just want to have a basic conversation without you constantly worrying about offending me.

"Oh. Sorry about that."

Yeah, these kind of men are the nicest people you'll probably meet. But they're also so neurotic and insecure that they will turn you into their mother, not their girlfriend. Just my two cents.

[Jester]

Uncle Blunt and his subtle-as-a-jackhammer opinions weighing in here. If you are easily offended, move on to the next person's commentary.

This guy is many times the world over better than the last.

Just because he is better than the last guy does not mean he is a good boyfriend, for you or in general. My second car was loads better than my first...and it was still a rolling pile of junk.

To quote Thelma and Louise: "We get what we settle for." Are you settling for this guy because he's better than the last guy, or do you really see something in him. Doesn't sound like much of the latter to me, to be honest.

But...here comes the problem that is almost always the biggest problem with "Nice" guys. He is extremely overly sensitive, overly analytical over words, and is apparently very insecure.

Please don't overgeneralize about nice guys because your nice guy is like this. I'm a nice guy, and so are many of my friends. And most of us aren't raging pussies like this one.

Look, if this guy is a 17-year-old high school senior, this behavior is absolutely appropriate. I am guessing he isn't, so neither is the behavior. It is immature and downright pathetic.

If something's going good, I try to not question it.

But clearly this particular something isn't all that good, or you wouldn't have broken out this whole treatise about it. As you said, there are problems in paradise.

I made an off the wall comment while watching a TV show about something sexual that I like. Instead of saying anything, apparently, it struck a nerve with him and he didn't feel adequate over it. He also has moaned a lot over gaining a little weight (well, who hasn't?) and I mentioned buying that exercise bike he keeps saying he's going to buy. He took it as an insult, that I called him fat. When we were laying down getting ready to fall asleep, he had been playing with the elastic on my underwear, and I had said "Hey now.....don't be an ass." And I didn't even say it rudely. And he took it personally.

If someone else said this about their boyfriend, what would your reaction be?

Right.

This dude is a raging pussy.

You, of course, can't see it because you are dating the raging pussy in question, and are trying to make excuses for him, because you like him. Which is admirable. Doesn't change the fact that he's got jellyfish making fun of him for his spinelessness.

I tried to not give in or ask what was wrong. I don't like games, even though I was kinda playing it back to him...

If you don't like people playing games with you, and you want them to stop playing games with you, or better yet, NOT play games with you in the first place, playing games with them is not the best way to go about it. Hell, it's downright hypocritical, not to mention counterproductive, as you've probably learned by now.

He texted me and asked what I was up to. I said my friend just picked me up and we were going out. His response? "Have fun. Bye."

High school. Pure high school.

I was stupid and texted back "I have plenty of time to chat with you on your break, it's ok, you don't need to say goodbye." but I'm sure that's what he wanted and was trying to make me feel bad.

And you WANT to be dating a guy who is intentionally trying to make you feel bad....why?

I finally had it and texted him that I knew something was wrong and I was tired of being given the silent treatment, the "I'm mad at you and am waiting for you to ask me why" game.

Congratulations. You now know how many guys feel when "arguing" with their girlfriends/wives. (Not me, fortunately, because I tend to date the hardheaded opinionated type that will not mince words and will tell me exactly what they're thinking, whether I want them to or not.)

I don't even know why guys like him are so damn insecure, so damn sensitive, and so easily offended or overly analytical. It's driving me bananas.

I can't and won't comment on "guys like him." But I can tell you why he's doing this, and it's even in your commentary: dude is insecure. Majorly insecure. Why he is, I can't say, not knowing the guy. But the fact that he is completely insecure in himself and his relationship with you, and has very low self esteem, is blatantly evident.

It's driving me bananas.

Sounds like more than just a little trouble in paradise.

I WANT this to work. But if he continues being an emotional vampire like this, I'm not sure what to do.

I see three options:

1. He grows a spine, grows some testicles, and grows the fuck up.

2. You find a newer, better boyfriend.

3. You continue to let him be an immature, whiny, self-pitying, game-playing, emotionally vampiric high school pussy and drive you bananas even more.

I highly suggest options 1 or 2.

Before anyone jumps gun, I am NOT going to just drop him, he does not try to control me, he just apparently doesn't realize or happily accept that I don't sit at home and do nothing every day off like he does. I am usually always home when I'm off work (except the gym), but when I have money and friends call me up, I DO want to do stuff. Especially with my brother. And I get the feeling he thinks I purposely schedule it that way.....I don't. It's my only time off.

And this makes you happy to be with him....why?

I see three options. See above.

Well then, it seems we have a lot to work on.

I partially agree.

HE has a lot to work on.

Yes, you aren't perfect, and I have no doubt that you have a lot to work on in general, and perhaps even in the relationship, but right now, he is the one that needs to pull his head out of his ass, not you. He is the one that needs to start acting like an adult, not you. He is the one that has the self-esteem of a sickly cockroach, not you. Do you have a lot to work on? Probably. We all do. But he has a LOT to work on.

I trust him, but I'm starting to wonder if he doesn't trust me when he gets sulky because I'm out doing things with others on my nights off.

If he is insecure as he seems, my guess is no, he doesn't trust you.

We've been talking like normal today and this evening, so he must be over me pissing him off yesterday.

For now. But how long until the next episode of The Crying Game?

I just hate to have to walk on eggshells to avoid pissing people off.

And yet you are fine doing it with your boyfriend...why, exactly?

My last boyfriend was the single most defensive person I've ever met, a single statement would send him into a yelling frenzy defending himself for no reason. This guy isn't loud, I've never heard him raise his voice or get that kind of upset, but it's just exhausting to be around people who you never know if you're pissing off or not. Especially when you're doing overtime reassuring them that everything is fine, blah blah blah.

Great. He's not as shitty or annoying as your last train wreck boyfriend. Does that make him good? Nope. It just makes him less of a mess than the last mess. You can do better, and you damn well deserve better.

And you may not want to hear it, and I may be beating a dead horse, but I'll repeat myself.

I see three options:

1. He grows up.

2. You get out.

3. You continue to suffer through things as they are.

The choice is yours.

[42_42_42]

What Jester said.

[Sapphire Silk]

New BF might not be the violent abuser old BF was, but he's still a control freak.

He just uses emotions and childish behaviors as his control tools. But I can clearly see he is trying to isolate you from your friends already, which is why the emotional blackmail about your going out with friends for your girls night out.

If you feel you are walking on eggshells with this guy, then something is wrong.

You can either continue to allow him to manipulate you, or you can confront the behaviors.

Use clear language; tell him what you don't like and why.

He can either accept what you tell him and change his behaviors or not.

However, I doubt he will change for you. He won't grow up until he's been dumped a few times and clues in that this behavior doesn't work. If you don't dump him, then the message he gets is those behaviors DO work and he'll continue them.

[Shangri-laschild]

I agree that you can't change people. I also know that it doesn't mean you can't help in some ways. I used to have a lot of issues (still have some but not as much) and there was a time where I relied on others when I was upset. I'm not saying someone shouldn't lean on friends when they are upset but it's important to also be able to help yourself. It took my best friend telling me flat out that I needed to get help for me to look into seeing a counselor.

Your boyfriend needs to figure out how to be able to make himself happy. Sometimes you will be busy and sometimes you will be dealing with your own stuff as well. And yes, some things do require some talking between the two of you to clear up misunderstandings. He has to be able to provide for himself though. It's the difference between freaking out in your head and spending hours thinking about whether the other person is mad at you or not (him thinking you called him an asshole) and just flat out asking "hey are you upset with me". While you can be there for him, he needs to be willing to work on himself. It doesn't have to be with a therapist but one way or another he needs to find something that works for him. Be honest with him and clear about it. Good luck.

[Moirae]

My husband is a really nice guy and he isn't like that. He's bright, intelligent, fun, observant, and more. But he's also completely confident in who he is, where he's going, and in our relationship.

Personally, I'd say there are two possibilities with your boyfriend. He's either done something wrong and he's scared you'll find out so he's over reacting (thats what my first husband did and its a long story but it ended our relationship, or he doesn't like himself and is scared you'll realize he isn't worth being with even if that perception is wrong. He may also have been burned in the past so he's overreacting.

[Jester]

I agree that you can't change people.

I both agree and disagree with this.

I don't think you can change people, but I do think people can--and do--change.

For example, many of the behaviors exhibited by Blas's boyfriend were ones I myself was guilty of many years ago, when I was younger, less experienced, and far stupider. I have often said that if Now Me met Then Me, Now Me would kick the living shit out of Then Me. People DO change...but the key is, they have to want to change, and they have to recognize the behavior that they want to change. Or, they just have to experience more life and gain from that experience. But it is very rare where one person can actually change the behavior of another.

Do I think there is hope for Blas's boyfriend? Yes. In about five years. Personally, I doubt he will change much until then. Of course, I could be wrong, and he could prove to be the exception to my rule about that. But rare indeed is the person that exhibits the Exception, rather than the Rule.