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(Pay attention to the letters I've colored, this will be important later.)
Well, I figure since I'm back, I'll open my first new post with a bang. And before anyone asks, all this information is public record so I won't get in trouble for talking about it.
Anyway, my current job is as a court correspondent for the newspaper I used to write obits for. I still do fill-in work as well so I may have obit stories yet, though.
Now, most of the work I do is your very basic stuff. Go to the courthouse, get the marriages, the divorces, the civil cases, the probate cases, write down the very most briefest summary I can, and send it to the paper. (Most courthouses still have all these records in dead tree format and scattered all over the building, hence why the need for a dedicated person to actually go and physically get them.)
But one thing I do is gather reports from the appeals court...civil cases that aren't just the same old bank defaults and car accidents, there's actually a bit of interesting to them. Thus I came to know Lasernuts.
Now, so the story goes, this fellow went to a treatment facility one day, requesting laser hair removal on his groin. Apparently that's a thing. So, doctor dude says "Okay fine" and does the treatment, Lasernuts reports "some discomfort and watering eyes" (no shit) but claims to be otherwise okay, and the doctor warns our friend about irritation, don't put any heat on it for 24 hours and whatnot, and ol' Lasernuts heads home.
Approximately FIVE DAYS later, Lasernuts comes back, complaining about being unsatisfied with the results. Rather than thanking his lucky stars that application of heat laser to junk didn't cause horrific problems the first time, he starts to insist that, uh...the doctor do it again...HARDER. As in turning up the laser to a higher degree. The doctor, understandably, says "Uh, no, dude, no way," but Lasernuts is having none of this, of course. He wants his junk hair free and by God, the doctor is GOING to fire even higher powered hotness at it.
After some back and forth, the doctor eventually relents to not using a higher firepower, but to using a different attachment, though not without some pretty explicit warnings about what exactly (horrific pain) is about to happen. (I should mention at this point, and I'm copying this straight from the file, that the laser is called the "CoolGlide™ Nd-Yag Laser", which is exactly the name of something I want aimed at my private parts.)
Doctor sends patient home with advisement to put cool compresses on, uh, "the site" and not to expose it to heat for 24 hours, etc.
Long story short, "suffered scarring of and second-degree burns to his penis and scrotum."
I'll wait for the guys to stop groaning and uncross their legs.
Now, of course, the lawsuit is all about the doctor was negligent and they owe him money for, you know, explicit horribleness, etc., and that very well have been the case. But I submit for consideration WHO ASKS FOR THIS? I can't see getting a laser fired down there once, let alone twice in less than a week, without understanding there's probably going to be some sort of horrible outcome. Hence the humor we've all found in it.
Now, you might be wondering about those colored letters up there. I didn't want to just type the name out, but...upon going back and re-reading the case a couple weeks ago, I actually and truly NOTICED the real name of Lasernuts, and while it is public record, I figured I'd make a game of it. Take those pink letters and write them down. The first five are his first name, the last six are his last name.
Tell me that's not wonderful.
Ah, it's good to be back!
Well, I figure since I'm back, I'll open my first new post with a bang. And before anyone asks, all this information is public record so I won't get in trouble for talking about it.
Anyway, my current job is as a court correspondent for the newspaper I used to write obits for. I still do fill-in work as well so I may have obit stories yet, though.
Now, most of the work I do is your very basic stuff. Go to the courthouse, get the marriages, the divorces, the civil cases, the probate cases, write down the very most briefest summary I can, and send it to the paper. (Most courthouses still have all these records in dead tree format and scattered all over the building, hence why the need for a dedicated person to actually go and physically get them.)
But one thing I do is gather reports from the appeals court...civil cases that aren't just the same old bank defaults and car accidents, there's actually a bit of interesting to them. Thus I came to know Lasernuts.
Now, so the story goes, this fellow went to a treatment facility one day, requesting laser hair removal on his groin. Apparently that's a thing. So, doctor dude says "Okay fine" and does the treatment, Lasernuts reports "some discomfort and watering eyes" (no shit) but claims to be otherwise okay, and the doctor warns our friend about irritation, don't put any heat on it for 24 hours and whatnot, and ol' Lasernuts heads home.
Approximately FIVE DAYS later, Lasernuts comes back, complaining about being unsatisfied with the results. Rather than thanking his lucky stars that application of heat laser to junk didn't cause horrific problems the first time, he starts to insist that, uh...the doctor do it again...HARDER. As in turning up the laser to a higher degree. The doctor, understandably, says "Uh, no, dude, no way," but Lasernuts is having none of this, of course. He wants his junk hair free and by God, the doctor is GOING to fire even higher powered hotness at it.
After some back and forth, the doctor eventually relents to not using a higher firepower, but to using a different attachment, though not without some pretty explicit warnings about what exactly (horrific pain) is about to happen. (I should mention at this point, and I'm copying this straight from the file, that the laser is called the "CoolGlide™ Nd-Yag Laser", which is exactly the name of something I want aimed at my private parts.)
Doctor sends patient home with advisement to put cool compresses on, uh, "the site" and not to expose it to heat for 24 hours, etc.
Long story short, "suffered scarring of and second-degree burns to his penis and scrotum."
I'll wait for the guys to stop groaning and uncross their legs.
Now, of course, the lawsuit is all about the doctor was negligent and they owe him money for, you know, explicit horribleness, etc., and that very well have been the case. But I submit for consideration WHO ASKS FOR THIS? I can't see getting a laser fired down there once, let alone twice in less than a week, without understanding there's probably going to be some sort of horrible outcome. Hence the humor we've all found in it.
Now, you might be wondering about those colored letters up there. I didn't want to just type the name out, but...upon going back and re-reading the case a couple weeks ago, I actually and truly NOTICED the real name of Lasernuts, and while it is public record, I figured I'd make a game of it. Take those pink letters and write them down. The first five are his first name, the last six are his last name.
Tell me that's not wonderful.
Ah, it's good to be back!
The worst name possible for that case!
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