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An Amusing Start for 2012

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  • An Amusing Start for 2012

    Unlike Gravekeeper, it takes me a while to come up with a bunch of stories of horrible customers to share with you. That being said, here is a bunch of stories of horrible customers from the last couple of months to share with you.

    It's An Outrage!

    As any bar does, we have some regulars. Some of them are sports regulars....they come in for particular sporting events. Most of them are cool. Some...are not. Baby Jesus is an example of the latter. We call him Baby Jesus because, despite being in his mid twenties, he looks about 14. Often we will have other customers call us over and point out to us that "that teenager over there is drinking a beer." We assure the concerned customer that BJ is of age (as we've all carded him at least three times each), and despite their doubt, we go back to work.

    Well, this year's NHL Winter Classic drew a lot of people in the day after New Year's Day, including Baby Jesus, who came in with 3 of his friends. I started 4 separate tabs for them, since it was clear they'd be paying separately. And they ordered food and beers, and were constantly ordering shots. I determined whose tab to put what shots on in the easiest manner...whoever ordered that round of shots got that round put on their tab. Makes sense, right? I even, since he is a regular, bought BJ a beer. I thought that was rather nice of me.

    Well, after several hours of this, when the game ended, the 4 guys (along with many others in the bar) wanted their tabs. And BJ's 3 friends paid their tabs, but of course BJ, notorious for being a belligerent asshole when he gets drunk, was a belligerent asshole, asking why there were so many shots on his bill. And I politely explained to him that, whenever he ordered shots, I put them on his tab, and when Bill, Bob, or Joe ordered the shots, I had put them on their tabs, etc. And these were $8 shots. So needless to say, these tabs were not small. So BJ was having a fit, pissed at me that I didn't buy any of the shots for them.

    I'd like to repeat...these were $8 shots. We have a certain amount we can put on a comp tab, yes, but these guys were hardly my only customers that I wanted to do something nice for, and these WERE expensive shots. So, what, I'm supposed to fill my entire comp tab with your shots because you're a cheap asshole? Clearly he had forgotten the fact that I had bought him a beer, AND that he was getting the local discount. He went out of his way to tell me, "Jester, you don't ALWAYS have to be by the book." Translation: he wanted me to give them shots without ringing them up. Yeah, thank you, no. I like my job, and other bartenders who have done that have been FIRED. Because, you know, it's called STEALILNG.

    So BJ decided to make his point with his tip....on his $110 bill, he made a point of only leaving us (there were two bartenders to deal with the people) a whopping $10. And to add insult to injury, he made a point of filling out his BUDDY'S credit card slip, leaving us $2 on $90. For a grand total of $12 on $200. Because, you know, we had the audacity to not buy half the shots he ordered. What an outrage!

    EPILOGUE: A couple weeks after that, BJ was in with some friends and was talking to some girls. I was just getting off work, and was divying up the tips at a point of the bar right near BJ and the girls. By his prompting, one of the girls joking reached over as if to take some of the money. I jokingly pretended to smash her hand with my fist, stopping just sort of actually doing so. "Sorry, thought that was BJ." To which he turned to her and said, "See? I told you he was mad at me." To which I said, sickeningly sweet, "Mad? Why would I be mad at you BJ?" Just because, you know, you basically STOLE MONEY from me and my coworker and were a PETULANT ASSHOLE. Because, you know, we were doing OUR JOB. A little bit later, BJ came up to me to "apologize" for that night, saying he knew he was "kind of an ass." I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Dude, you weren't KIND of an ass. You were COMPLETELY an ass." His apology rang hollow, and I noticed he didn't bother trying to, oh, I dunno, throw any cash our way. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions sucked.

    For SOME REASON, he really hasn't been coming around as much as he used to. Oh well. Seriously, if you don't like the way a bartender does their job, don't sit at their bar. No one is making you. But honestly, to be an ass for someone doing their job? Fuck you. Go die in a fire.

    This Is Not About Different Customs...You're Just Cheap!

    One day, these four Italians (from Italy, not Italian Americans) come in to my bar. They ask for suggestions of a good rum to sip on, I suggest one, they love it. They were, however, shocked and appalled that I dare to ask for their ID. Different country, different customs, I get that, but I still have to do my job. All of this is standard. What followed....was not.

    They finish their rum and ask for the bill, which I give to them. It was $28. Now I just KNOW I am not getting a tip from them, and I'm fine with that. I'm used to that. Different customs, blah blah blah. But when the guy looked at me and asked, "Can I just give you $27?" I just stared. Was he broke? Did he not have enough to cover the tab? Nope. He just didn't want to break another ten.

    I don't have to make this shit up, people. I just looked at him and said, "Sir, the bill is $28." So he paid me $30, I gave him his $2 change, and naturally, no tip was left. But seriously? Even in Europe, where tipping is not the custom, I DO believe it IS the custom to pay the amount of the bill. "Oh, the pasta is $20, but I think I'll just pay them $18. That should be fair, right?" "The sticker says this Fiat is $10,000, but I should be fine only paying them $8,000." Oh, wait....that isn't how it works, is it? Idiot.

    Speaking of Cheap

    So I was sitting enjoying a beer at my new favorite bar, which is a combination bar/liquor store. These two American tourists come in, select a couple bottles of wine, and bring them up to be rung up. When told the price, they say, "Oh, can we get some kind of discount?" For what...I don't know. The bartender (who happened to be the owner as well) told them that that was the price. "Oh, well it's much cheaper back home." Well, then maybe you should have brought some with you from back home, don't ya think? Being far nicer than I would have, the owner actually gave them a small break on the price. And then these same people had the nerve to ask, "Can you throw in a free corkscrew with that?" She just looked at them. I was flabbergasted, and also just stared at them. Naturally, they had no problem with their blatant cheapness. (She did not throw in the corkscrew, by the way.)

    Trouble in Paradise

    Yes, Key West is a tropical island, and for the most part a safe place. For the most part.

    A couple of Mondays ago, rather than ride by bike to work, I was so tired that I drove my truck. Naturally, I could not find a parking spot anywhere near my bar, so ended up having to walk quite a ways. As I walked down one of the major streets on my way to work, a bum, who was sitting on the sidewalk up against a building, asked, "Hey buddy, can you spare me some change?" To which I politely said, "Sorry, man...I'm tapped." And then things got weird.

    BUM (threateningly): "How about I just take your backpack?" My backpack that day happened to have my laptop in it...not that he would know that, but still.
    ME: "How about you piss off?"
    BUM (getting to his feet): "How about I kick your fucking ass?" And the fucker starts to advance on me.

    So here I am, simply trying to go to work, and realizing that if I get in a tussle with this guy, no good can come of it, certainly not to my pretty much brand new laptop. So here I am, dancing down Simonton Street with this bum threatening to fuck me up. Great. Just the way I wanted to start my work week.

    So this goes on for about a block and a half, the bum still coming at me, me still backing off, wanting no part of the crazy written all over his face, and certainly not wanting any harm to come to my laptop. I considered pulling out the knife that I had just bought the night before, but realized that might just make things worse. Finally, for whatever reason, the dipshit breaks off, and goes away, after I had crossed the street to get away from him. I really thought I was going to have throw down with this joker, and frankly, I wanted no part of it. All I was trying to do was to go to work because, you know, I actually have a job, and don't have to ask strangers for money or threaten them on the street.

    Told my head chef about this lunacy, and he insisted I call the cops. I did, and a cop (who looked about 12) came to take my report. At one point he asked me, "If we find this guy, do you want to press charges?" To which I responded, "Absofuckinglutely. Attempted robbery? Attempted assault? You better believe I want to press charges."

    Needless to say, I haven't heard a word from the local constabularies. Not that I expected to. But I figured if this jackhole tries this shit again with some tourists or some other local, at least there would be a paper trail that shows he is not new to such things.

    After the fact, my friend Photo Guy said that I should have pulled my phone out and start dialing the police. Apparently, he's been in similar situations before, and used that tactic. I asked him how it worked. "Half the time they go away, half the time it escalates things." In other words, it doesn't necessarily work as well as he was advocating.

    Rum Usually Causes Confusion Only If You Drink It!

    So the Boss Man wants to increase our stock of rum, and was taking suggestions from me. One rum I suggested is the fantastic but somewhat hard to get Appleton Estates 30 year. I asked our local Appleton rep about it, and she texted me back that it would be $2,000 for a bottle.

    Yes, your reaction just now was my reaction when I read that text. 2 grand for a bottle? Oh, hell no! Heck, I had seen it for $95 a shot in West Palm, and I couldn't figure out how that bar was making money on it if it cost them that much. Hell, I had seen it for sale in a retail liquor store for only $450 a bottle. What gave?

    Well, a few weeks later, we figured out the confusion. Somehow, she thought I had been asking about Appleton Estate FIFTY year, which I didn't even know existed. We still can't get the 30 year, but that is only because they have none in stock...if/when they get it, it would only be about $370 a bottle for us, which is far more palatable a cost to my GM than, say, two grand.

    Dumbest Question of 2012....so far.

    "Can I get a virgin Shirley Temple?"

    Yeah. I just looked at the woman.

    What happened was she had asked what was in a Shirley Temple. Seemed odd to me, as she was American, and I thought it was pretty much common knowledge....and she was in her 40s or 50s, so wasn't exactly new to this world. But I told her that it contained Sprite and grenadine. Which is when she asked the really stupid question.

    ME: "But ma'am...a Shirley Temple already IS a virgin drink!"
    HER: "Isn't there alcohol in grenadine?"
    ME: "Um....no....it's basically cherry juice."

    Yes, I know, I know....it's really pomegranate juice. But clearly this woman wasn't very bright, and I was not going to worry such minor details with her when she already thought that grenadine was some kind of alcoholic spirit!

    The good news, lady, is that there are still 10 months left in the year for someone to ask a dumber question.

    Great Comeback, If I Do Say So Myself

    I guess this guy had been asking this question to a lot of guys, and had just gotten a lot of "Say what?" or "Huh?" responses, so he wasn't quite ready for my quick wittedness. To my credit, I had not heard him ask anyone this until he asked me.

    Sitting at a bar with my friend last night, the guy a few stools over turns to me and out of the blue asks, "Does your pussy hurt?"

    Without missing a beat, I responded, "Only after I fuck her."

    HIM:
    MY FRIEND:

    Clearly It Wasn't His Mensa Card

    I've had a lot of ID stories in the past, but this...this was a new one, the likes of which I, with 25 years of food service industry experience under my belt, had never seen.

    A bu'nch of people come into my bar and order some drinks to go. One of them says he will pay for it, and hands me a credit card. All of this is normal...until I notice on the back of the credit card, in big block letters, "SEE ID." So, naturally, I ask him for ID, because I am one of those crazy people that follows instructions. So he hands me his ID.

    The name on the credit card was Randy Ratface. The name on the ID was Jason Jackass. (Yes, I have changed the names for my own amusement. But you get the idea.)

    ME: "Um, sir? I can't take this credit card, as the name on the card and the name on your ID don't match."
    HIM: "Oh, that's my stage name for blah blah blah."
    ME: "That well may be, sir, but since it DOES say on the back of the card to ask for ID, I DO need the names to actually match."

    So he hands me another credit card that has the name Jason Jackass on it. So clearly he wants me to run that card, right? Of course not. When I go to run it, he says, "No, I want it on the Randy Ratface card."

    I politely (and slowly) explain to him that, since HIS credit card says on the back that I MUST ask for ID, the ID kind of has to have the same name on it as the credit card. Reluctantly, he allows me to run the Jason Jackass credit card.

    Now, I don't know if you can get a credit card for your stage name. I suppose if it's a business, it's possible. But let's suppose for the moment that you can actually do so. If your ID does not have your stage name, why in the flying hell would you write on your stage name credit card "SEE ID" when you don't have an ID with that name on it?"

    And on that note, I really need a beer!
    Last edited by Dave1982; 03-05-2012, 01:19 AM. Reason: fratching

    "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
    Still A Customer."


  • #2
    All good and interesting stories.

    The first one - I go to my local VFW a lot. All the bartenders know me and like me (I tip well). Sometimes they give me a free beer. I don't go around afterward and bitch that my bill is too high. BJ is a total douche bag, and you're better off without his business.
    "Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid" Redd Foxx as Al Royal - The Royal Family - Pilot Episode - 1991.

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    • #3
      Have some sympathy for Shirley Temple lady. I, too, am someone who rarely drinks and even more rarely buys a specialty drink in a bar. I'm a little embarrassed to say that while I knew a Shirley Temple was non-alcoholic, I still had to think about it first.
      Last edited by Dave1982; 03-05-2012, 01:20 AM. Reason: fratching
      A lion however, will only devour your corpse, whereas an SC is not sated until they have destroyed your soul. (Quote per infinitemonkies)

      Comment


      • #4
        And people wonder why I don't like grendine.

        But back to the post. And I thought I had problems ID'ing for cigs.

        Comment


        • #5
          It's a shame that since you do get a lot of foreign travelers, they can't put up some sort of a sign stating that tipping 15% or more is customary in American bars.

          Who the heck asks for discounts, either in a bar, or a liquer store (or any store for that matter). If you want to haggle, go to a flea market.

          Too bad you couldn't have both called 911, & took the guys picture when he tried to rob you. I wonder if anyone has done any research on the statistics of whether calling 911 is more likely to solve or escalate the problem (personally, I think that type of criminal is usually pretty much an opportunist, and would dash off when he saw you dial).

          I've heard of Shirley Temples all my life, never really knew what was in it. BTW, is grenadine absolutely always non-alcoholic? I could have sworn I had a bottle once (in the UK) that had a small alcohol content. I could be wrong on that.
          Last edited by Dave1982; 03-05-2012, 01:20 AM. Reason: fratching

          Madness takes it's toll....
          Please have exact change ready.

          Comment


          • #6
            Quoth Victory Sabre View Post
            BJ is a total douche bag, and you're better off without his business.
            We are 100% in agreement on this one.

            Quoth bainsidhe View Post
            Have some sympathy for Shirley Temple lady. I, too, am someone who rarely drinks and even more rarely buys a specialty drink in a bar.
            Nope. No sympathy. She was American, she was about 50, she was with people who were drinking (I made a bunch of drinks for the group), and she actually asked me what was in a Shirley Temple before she asked me for a virgin one, so she knew that the only two ingredients were Sprite and grenadine. Clearly she just didn't know what grenadine was. And I might have more sympathy for her if the wench hadn't stiffed me on the tip. So...no sympathy. None. Zero. Nada. Hope she drowns in a vat of grenadine.

            Quoth Merriweather View Post
            It's a shame that since you do get a lot of foreign travelers, they can't put up some sort of a sign stating that tipping 15% or more is customary in American bars.
            We do have such things printed up in laminated sleeves that can be put in a check presenter, but we all know how often customers read such things: never. And it wouldn't have mattered with those Italians, as the guy was trying to pay less than the bill itself, let alone worry about tipping.

            Quoth Merriweather View Post
            I've heard of Shirley Temples all my life, never really knew what was in it. BTW, is grenadine absolutely always non-alcoholic? I could have sworn I had a bottle once (in the UK) that had a small alcohol content. I could be wrong on that.
            I believe you may be wrong, as I have never seen alcoholic grenadine. Naturally, there is the possibility that someone has made it, just as there is non-alcoholic triple sec out there (what a useless waste of manufacturing effort!), but I have never seen it or heard of it myself.

            "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
            Still A Customer."

            Comment


            • #7
              I put cherry brandy in ginger ale instead of grenadine, and call it a Shirley Temple Black.

              Comment


              • #8
                I have a lot of friends who have credit products under aliases. Since the alias is registered with their bank and the credit bureau, it is totally fine. But in Canada we currently use chip credit cards, which means that you use a PIN instead of signing. So very rarely do people hand over their credit cards anymore. The last time one of them was in New York she couldn't understand why the guy at her hotel wouldn't hand over the device you stab your card into. It was a good story.

                I personally don't understand tioping. I TIP, don't get me wrong. But I don't get it at all. I have never understood when you are supposed to tip and when you aren't. There are situations where retroactively I am informed I was supposed to, but no one warns me before hand. I know to tip at restaurants, the bar, the coffee shop, and to the delivery guy. But the amount always spins me for a loop. I have had one friend tell me that you can NEVER tip less than 10 dollars on delivery. So I just give what I think is fair, and if I get a look, I give more. But I just don't get it, at all. Maybe because every job I have worked has banned gratuities.
                Hinakiba777- Student of Divinity-Always trying to get laid.

                Annoying student=I pay tuition here so I pay your salary!
                Desk Worker=I pay tuition here, too. So I guess I pay myself.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I LOVE Shirley Temples when I'm gambling. Granted, that's like, once or twice every couple of years. But it keeps me from getting drunk but keeps me excited and bouncy.

                  Or even when I can't drink because I gotta get home or get up early. Gives me all the energy I had when I was young, but doesn't make me as stupid as everyone else around me who can't remember where their pants are.
                  You really need to see a neurologist. - Wagegoth

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth Jester View Post

                    Quote:
                    Quoth Merriweather
                    I've heard of Shirley Temples all my life, never really knew what was in it. BTW, is grenadine absolutely always non-alcoholic? I could have sworn I had a bottle once (in the UK) that had a small alcohol content. I could be wrong on that.


                    I believe you may be wrong, as I have never seen alcoholic grenadine. Naturally, there is the possibility that someone has made it, just as there is non-alcoholic triple sec out there (what a useless waste of manufacturing effort!), but I have never seen it or heard of it myself.
                    There is in fact an alcoholic grenadine. Merriweather's post stirred a memory of when I used to work at a nightclub years ago (which I try to forget these days) and we did indeed have grenadine there with a wopping 3% alcohol content. It was dusted off infrequently for the odd big spender who splashed out on a cocktail rather than the usual pints of swill the place used to serve.
                    Arp happens!

                    Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I wonder if celebrities who use stage names have ids/cc with their legal names or professional.

                      Say, for instance, you're a cop who's pulled over a drunk driver, and you're absolutely positive it's Nick Cage, but the license he gives you says Nicholas Coppola. Would you be thrown for a loop?
                      Or say Charlie Sheen comes into your bar. It IS Charlie sheen, and you know it, but when the bill comes around he tries to pay with a cc in the name of Carlos Estevez jr.
                      Aliterate : A person who is capable of reading but unwilling to do so.

                      "A man who does not read has no advantage over a man who cannot" - Mark Twain

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Quoth Jester View Post
                        This Is Not About Different Customs...You're Just Cheap!
                        My brain is still hurting from this one? The SC wants a dollar discount so he won't have to break another ten? Like that's really going to help!
                        To right the countless wrongs of our days... We shine this light of true redemption, that this place may become as paradise...Oh, what a wonderful world such would be...

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth infinitemonkies View Post
                          I wonder if celebrities who use stage names have ids/cc with their legal names or professional.

                          Say, for instance, you're a cop who's pulled over a drunk driver, and you're absolutely positive it's Nick Cage, but the license he gives you says Nicholas Coppola. Would you be thrown for a loop?
                          Or say Charlie Sheen comes into your bar. It IS Charlie sheen, and you know it, but when the bill comes around he tries to pay with a cc in the name of Carlos Estevez jr.
                          I don't know about Charlie, but here is the official word from his dad.
                          Quoth Martine Sheen
                          Whenever I would call for an appointment, whether it was a job or an apartment, and I would give my name, there was always that hesitation and when I'd get there, it was always gone. So I thought, I got enough problems trying to get an acting job, so I invented Martin Sheen. It's still Estevez officially. I never changed it officially. I never will. It's on my driver's license and passport and everything.
                          Hinakiba777- Student of Divinity-Always trying to get laid.

                          Annoying student=I pay tuition here so I pay your salary!
                          Desk Worker=I pay tuition here, too. So I guess I pay myself.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Quoth Merriweather View Post
                            BTW, is grenadine absolutely always non-alcoholic? I could have sworn I had a bottle once (in the UK) that had a small alcohol content. I could be wrong on that.
                            To the best of my knowledge, it's always non-alcoholic WHEN SHIPPED BY THE MANUFACTURER. I've heard of some bartenders, in places where it's a "slow mover" that would have time to ferment on its own before the bottle got used up, adding neutral grain spirits as a preservative.
                            Any fool can piss on the floor. It takes a talented SC to shit on the ceiling.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Quoth Merriweather View Post
                              Too bad you couldn't have both called 911, & took the guys picture when he tried to rob you. I wonder if anyone has done any research on the statistics of whether calling 911 is more likely to solve or escalate the problem (personally, I think that type of criminal is usually pretty much an opportunist, and would dash off when he saw you dial)...

                              ...BTW, is grenadine absolutely always non-alcoholic? I could have sworn I had a bottle once (in the UK) that had a small alcohol content. I could be wrong on that.
                              911: I'd love to see those stats. Unfortuntely, I suspect some crazy in this case, so I don't really know how it would have worked out.

                              Grenadine: could it have been a very small percentage? Like 0.1% or something? I'm thinking it might make sense to use a bit of alcohol to extract flavor from the fruit, and some will make it into the final product. They'd have to label it, but it's not enough to really do anything.
                              Last edited by Ree; 03-06-2012, 10:59 AM. Reason: Trimmed excessive quote of entire post
                              Life: Reality TV for deities. - dalesys

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