Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Relationship question

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Relationship question

    A (former) friend of mine broke up with D a few years ago. (Friend was one of those "I'm bored, come entertain me" types that expected you to drop everything, including your job, to be with her, but was always too busy to hang on your terms) Anyway, D and I were friends (sorta) before D started dating my friend, and stayed friends after she dumped him.

    A couple of nights ago, D texted me asking if I wanted to go out with him or whatever. I said ok, and we're going to a small steam punk convention on Saturday.

    I just (vaguely) started talking to my friend, and neither D or I want her to know that we're hanging out (maybe dating, we'll see how it goes).


    And as I type this, I realize I have no idea what I wanted to ask y'all.
    Meh. Give what advise you want.


    ETA: I'm 25 and never really dated anyone before, so I'm panicking a little.
    Last edited by Parrothead; 04-10-2012, 02:22 PM.
    What if Humans are just Dire Halflings?

  • #2
    I been in 2 relationships where they wanted to hide it from certain people. First one was the mom and people at her church, the other our job (we were coworkers, there is no rule against coworkers dating. Its just a drama filled store). I hated it. If I had a relationship, I don't want to hide it. People knew anyways.

    After a while, if you guys do end up dating/staying friends and are still friends with her, she will eventually find out. Just find the right time to tell her.

    And dating isn't that bad. There aren't a set of rules you need to follow. Just go with the flow.

    Comment


    • #3
      Whether or not you're dating D is none of her business. If you don't want her to know, don't tell her, but don't be surprised if she gets shirty over it when she inevitably finds out.

      I used to date one of my best friends, about six months after we broke up I started dating one of my other best friends, and not so coincidentally my Ex's best friend. My Ex, otherwise a perfectly reasonable guy, said that my BF should have asked my Ex's permission before dating me. He's damn lucky he was in North Carolina at the time, because if he'd been anywhere I could have reached by public transit, I would have marched my ass over to his house and slapped him into tomorrow.
      The High Priest is an Illusion!

      Comment


      • #4
        Ok - so there is this "theoretical" Girl Code / Guy Code - that says if you start dating your friend's Ex, you're supposed to say "Hey is this gonna be a problem" - its not exactly "asking permission" its more of a heads up, so things don't get awkward / drama filled when the third party eventually finds out....
        that being said - YMMV on adherence... esp when you have a "needy fair-weather" friend... (which is what girl sounds like)

        You don't want to tell her to avoid drama - understandable; however when she finds out (and if you and D and she have enough mutual friends, she will) be prepared for some sort of drama - a big blow up, and ice out, or passive-aggressive sniping... as long and you and D are prepared to accept and deal with it when it happens, you should be fine.
        I am well versed in the "gentle" art of verbal self-defense

        Once is an accident; Twice is coincidence; Thrice is a pattern.

        http://www.gofundme.com/treasurenathanwedding

        Comment


        • #5
          Two things: she's dated someone else since she dumped D (if that changes anything), and she has a habit of "dividing the friends" when she breaks up with someone. Basically, her friends "can't" talk to him or his friends, and as far as she's concerned, they all fell off the face of the earth.
          What if Humans are just Dire Halflings?

          Comment


          • #6
            Oooh I hate control freaks like that. Her friends have no balls if they can't stand up to that. What are we, back in high school? Some people never grow up. You gotta think about this. Do you want that kind of person in your guy's life? Is she really worth it?

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth Parrothead View Post
              Two things: she's dated someone else since she dumped D (if that changes anything), and she has a habit of "dividing the friends" when she breaks up with someone. Basically, her friends "can't" talk to him or his friends, and as far as she's concerned, they all fell off the face of the earth.
              In that case - do what you want and deal with the fall out later, and basically tell her to go piss up a rope, she can't control who you're friends with...
              I am well versed in the "gentle" art of verbal self-defense

              Once is an accident; Twice is coincidence; Thrice is a pattern.

              http://www.gofundme.com/treasurenathanwedding

              Comment


              • #8
                A friend of mine is in a similar situation, and it's eating her up. J is best friends with H who dated A for 7 years. H ended the relationship (after having an affair), A doesn't know about the affair, J does. J and A briefly dated before H and A got together.
                Since the breakup of A and H, J and A have started becoming closer as friends as they weren't on speaking terms for many years. All of their contact, no matter how innocent has been kept very quiet and H doesn't know about it because she will freak. She will find out and think it is a betrayal (no matter what other people think on the matter).
                She will find out the other 2 are now friends, it will cause major headaches for all involved. /end uber complicated background and minor threadjack (sorry )
                Who you talk to and date is up to you, but other people will have their own feelings and opinions and whilst you shouldn't (IMHO) live your life by what other people think, their actions upon their feelings will likely affect your life and it is up to you to decide whether it is all worth it.
                Personally, I feel that happiness is rare and if your friend has a habit of being a bitch after break-ups, then sod her, it's your life and she will have to grow up and learn to share.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I need to start a weekly thing called 'Uncle Mytical's Advice' For this week's installment it would go something like this.

                  Gather round everybody, get comfortable, it's time for Uncle Mytical's Advice. Today's advice is two parts. One..honesty, though sometimes painful, is always the best policy. Deception of any kind will just lead to even more hurt feelings, and more damage to any relationship. So..tell the truth. If your friends, family, whatever can not deal with it UPFRONT, then they are absolutely not going to be able to deal with it when they learn much later after the fact.

                  The second is..if your female friend gets upset about it, yes it will hurt, but it will be her issues not yours. If she gets hurt after you've deceived her for so long, it will be your issues..not hers. Losing a friend is never easy, but you might lose her either way. It is best if your conscious is clean when it happens...IF it happens.

                  Well, boys and girls, that is Uncle Mytical's* Advice..take it or leave it. Until next week. Same Mytical Channel, Same Mytical time.

                  * Yes..I know I am not people's actual Uncle .
                  Engaged to the amazing Marmalady. She is my Silver Dragon, shining as bright as the sun. I her Black Dragon (though good honestly), dark as night..fierce and strong.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Thing is, we were friends in high school, and then I disentangled myself from her and her drama. I ran into her at my job a day or three ago, bu I'm not trying to resurrect the friendship (which, honestly, mostly consisted to me entertaining her, or reassuring her that she was as good at certain things as she thought she was. It was a toxic friendship from the start and I'm a better person without her)



                    ( better cook than she is, too)

                    I also only found out that she and D were dating about three months before they broke up. We stopped being close about 6 years ago.
                    Last edited by Parrothead; 04-10-2012, 05:25 PM.
                    What if Humans are just Dire Halflings?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Then she's not your friend, she's an acquaintance and you don't owe her anything.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        All together now, everybody - "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it..."
                        Engaged to the sweet Mytical He is my Black Dragon (and yes, a good one) strong, protective, the guardian. I am his Silver Dragon, always by his side, shining for him, cherishing him.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          My point of view:

                          I should point out first that I have a very strict personal code for my life. That being that once a friend of mine has dated someone (as in more than a fling), then that person is no longer a viable option for me. She is off the table, and that is not negotiable.

                          Now, I do not expect most people to abide by this code, other than my friends where it concerns me (i.e., any of my friends who start dating my exes are no longer my friends, as they know damn well where I stand on this). It is a very strict code, but it is the way I think of it. But again, I don't expect most people to go down that particular garden path with me.

                          That being said, there have been times in my life where friends have become ex-friends or non-friends. I don't mean losing touch so much as I actively or intentionally write them out of my life, or remove them entirely, for whatever reason. At such times, any exes they may have are no longer forbidden.

                          Some people could argue the merits of this code and its exception, but it's my code, and I really don't care what other people think about it. However, I bring it up because it kind of applies here.

                          Is the D's ex your friend? No.
                          Is D's ex going to be your friend? By what you say, no.
                          Is there any reason for you and D not to date? Again, no.

                          The one thing I am going to tell you is that if you do renew your friendship with this girl, you owe it to her to be honest and tell her that you and D are dating. But whether or not you renew that friendship, you should assume that the girl will at some point find out about whatever relationship you have with D, and you should be ready for whatever sparks my fly from that.

                          Frankly, if you have no plans of renewing the friendship, I say it's none of her fucking business.

                          Short version: have fun and stop worrying about what other people think, especially if they happen to be drama queen annoyances like this particular wenchazoid.

                          "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
                          Still A Customer."

                          Comment

                          Working...
                          X