If It's Not One Thing...It's My Mother

[WoodenSunshine]

I'm really sorry that I spend a lot of time not posting in the main SC forum. I'm fortunate enough that most of my customers are decent people (it helps when I hold the checkbook). I've also been running into a stream of bad luck. Not a lot, just enough to feel a little overly bitchy, but I feel like this is the one place I can rant, because no one, with the exception of a poster and a lurker, know who I am and can be a little more objective than my family/friends.

I got a call from my cousin (who I hadn't spoken to in...6(?) years or so) that my biological mother had a stroke and she may or may not die. It's bad. Now, I say bio mom for specific reasons. I lived with her the first 18 years of my life, but I pretty much raised myself and did not have a magical, sunshine filled life. I did the therapy, I did the anti-whatever drugs, I'm as over it as I'm ever going to get.

I'm upset. Really, really upset. I cursed this woman all my life, but I never thought when something bad actually happened, I would be sad. My boss made me take Wednesday-Friday off to do whatever I needed to do. I still haven't contacted her ex-husband/boyfriend and I really don't want to right now. My cousin has been keeping me updated. Right now, they put a PICC line in and I don't think she's conscious.

Sorry, I know this is all over the place, but I just needed to get it out. My boyfriend has been comforting me as best as he can. He holds me when I cry, he is lending me his baby blanket, so I have something to snuggle, he's been as helpful as he can (I've had to shoo him out of the kitchen while I'm trying to cook). I just...needed to rant. I'm upset because I'm upset and I still don't know if I want to go down there (6 hour drive) and face all the stuff that I overcame and regress and I'm upset because the woman who calls herself my mother, who I loved off and on for 18 years may die and I haven't been able to forgive her.

[Treasure]

You need to go.... you need the closure...
it doesn't matter if you have forgiven her, or if you even want to - you need to tell her either why you can't/haven't but hoped you'd both still have the time for you to get there, or that you have (even if you don't mean it) or possibly that you never will.....

You need to go, for yourself - you're going to regret not having said your goodbye and making peace with her dying (not necessarily with her) if the next call you get is "The funeral will be on X day"

yes there is a possibility that she can recover - but what if she doesn't?

[Andara Bledin]

I'd say that you should go.

No matter what else happens, I'm of the opinion that it's better to do something and realize that it wasn't worth doing than to not do it and be left to wonder.

^-.-^

[BlaqueKatt]

my stepfather was one of the lousiest excuses for a human being that ever walked this earth*, I was notified 3 days after his demise and cremation, I was robbed of my chance for closure. He was a horrible person, but without that closure, I still have issues, I panic if I see someone in a crowd that vaguely resembles him, because I have no proof that he's dead, my fear and trauma are still very much alive when both should've died with him 20 years ago.

Seeing my almost as bad mother on her deathbed(she pulled through), allowed me to let go, in the state she was in she couldn't hurt me any more, and I had nothing to fear from her any longer, the power she had over me for so many years is gone, She has my pity and that is all.

Go and say your goodbyes. Not for her, but for you, it's quite cathartic.


highlight if you care to know why I say this:
*abusive, drunken, child molesting, untreated paranoid schizophrenic, once told me if I had been conceived later I would've made a good abortion.

[Soulstealer]

You don't need to go but you should do what will give you closure.

[kansasgal]

Whether you like her or not, she was a part of your life, and going will help you, not hurt you. The closure of telling her goodbye is something that will let you move on. By not going, that part of your life stays open and undone, and it will stay with you. Go, cry, say goodbye and move on.

I had to do this with my dad, and I never said goodbye after he died, and I regret it to this day.

[Pixilated]

She may have been a truly lousy mom but she was still a huge part of your life for many years and when people are about to (or think they may be about to) lose someone/something that has been a major part of their life, there's a feeling of loss, even when it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.

Take some time to think as clearly as you can about your choices: if you don't go, and she dies, how will you feel? Do you think you'll regret it forever (regardless of the reasons)? Will you feel as though you missed a chance at closure? If you do go, will you be able to handle being face-to-face with her?

Several people have posted good reasons why you should consider going, but ultimately you are the only one who can decide what is best for you.

[Merriweather]

I think you're less likely to regret going, than not going. And that's the main issue, how you'll feel later. It's doubtful you'll get any closure (no I'm so sorry I wasn't a good mother, etc) but at least you'll feel you did the best you could.

You said it surprised you that you were so upset over the possibility of her dieing. IMO (having been there, done that) what you're feeling is grief - not so much for your mother, but for the mother you never had. Once she's gone, there's no longer a chance that at some point in time she'd actually own up to having been a bad mom, apologize, and even have a halfway decent adult relationship with you eventually. You're grieving for what might have been but wasn't, and now could never be.

Hugs to you, I know it isn't easy.

[Der Cute]

Go. Visit her in the hospital, when she's asleep. You can say tings like "Ya know lady, you didn't do SHIT when I was a kid. I RESENT that. But you're a human, and I'm paying my respects to you. I RESENT being an adult. I RESENT that you sat on your ass and didn't do the job I EXPECTED YOU TO DO. I RESENT that I didn't have much time to be a kid and just BE. As a mother of children you did a SHITTY SHITTY JOB. As a human, I'm sure you've contributed to something somewhere. But you didn't to me. I'm trying to forgive your transgressions, your CRAPPY SUPER CRAPPY PARENTING, and by doing so I'll have another better parking space in my head. But I will NOT forget. I will use the knowledge of having a shit parent to my advantage. I know what to NOT do. I'll never forget.
I hope you've learned something, lady. I know I have.

[MoonCat]

I think you're sad because of what she didn't do for you, and now (even if she recovers) she never will. Lost opportunities, and all that. Saying goodbye may help bring some closure to that chapter of your life. Just remember that your life from here on is what YOU make of it, and don't let past pain hold you back.

You have my sympathies and good wishes.

[Jester]

I will not tell you what to do, either way. Only you can do that. But I would advise that you take some time alone and figure out what it is YOU think you should do, what is best for you.

I will say this: it is often better to regret something we have done than it is to regret something we haven't done. Take that for what it's worth, and how much it applies (or doesn't) to your particular situation.