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  • More Tales of Pathetica

    (An ongoing series whose first part got locked.)

    The Celebrated Jumping Frog Of Cook County

    I swear this is true.

    Rang up the very last plant from the greenhouse, which has already been disassembled, and after the order there seemed to be something about to fall into the small crack at the end of the conveyor belt. It looked like some sort of toy frog made of rubber, so I left it there, stopped the belt and finished the order.

    Next order... well, this is interesting. There's a HUGE gap because the customer has started loading at the other end, which means the toy wasn't hers?

    Then I looked more closely at the toy...

    and I saw it breathing.

    Now, this actual tiny frog had its front leg stuck in the crack, and I had no idea if it was trapped or what, but I was taking far too long and the customer started walking over to see what was the holdup. Meanwhile, I grabbed a paper towel and tried to get it off the belt.

    It simply would not budge! Finally I pulled its front leg out (hoping I didn't hurt it), and it leapt about six inches down the belt, which didn't help any. Then came the inevitable-- as the customer reached the front to see what was the matter, I coaxed the frog off using the paper towel, but it jumped on the customer's arm!

    "Get it off me! Aaahhhh!!!" Finally she shook her arm, and it flung the frog to under the candy display.

    Afterwards, nobody believed my story whatsoever. "A frog in the store? Ridiculous!" I even told my next four or five customers to watch out so as to not run over a tiny frog, but it was gone.

    After I got back from break, it turned out P. had somehow caught the frog which had moved its way towards the self-checkout. Wonder what it was going to buy? Anyway, I presume it was set free somewhere with lower prices.

    Hell Spell Tells Unwell Mel

    Mel (not her real name) is a nice person, one of the headicapped employees with a nice smile and demeanor. She used to date a fellow employee, but I'm not sure he was her type, because I don't think she really HAS a type; she seems to like everyone. OK. End of backstory.

    During an off moment, when Mel stops bagging, she always asks personal questions of her checker (me), such as "What're you gonna have for dinner tonight?" (not asking me out, she just wants to inquire about what I usually eat) or "Do you dream about your frustrations?" (WTF?)

    Yesterday, however, she started with a doozy: "So, how about that weather, huh?"

    Now, I understand that erratic dialogue coming from the headicapped is to be expected and forgiven, so I do what I can to make silly answers. This time, however, is a problem, because it's a normal topic of discussion!

    My response went, "Eh, 90°* isn't that hot. Tomorrow's going to get up to 100°."

    "Don't say it! DON'T SAY IT!" She covered her ears. "I can't bear to hear these words."

    "OK, forget I said anything. Hey, didja hear it's going up to 50° tomorrow?"

    *For UK readers, I forgot how much it was in millipedes.

    I Have Nothing To Offer You But Sweat, Toil, Sweat And Sweat

    And it WAS 100° today. And I DID walk ten blocks to work. And I DID approach the front door, which slid open to let me in. And I DID go through the door into a nice 70° interior.

    And it was ONLY THEN that I started to sweat.

    Man. That cold air does it every time.

    And it rained this afternoon, following a long drought of a couple of weeks. Mel didn't believe this either when I told it to her yesterday. It was the worst kind of rain-- hot rain. Always stay away from hot rain, it's bad news.

    One-Question Quiz

    What item in the entirety of Pathetica which you can pull off a shelf and put down Federal Reserve Notes for, is the most racist thing in existence?

    Nope, it isn't Aunt Jemima anything.

    Nope, it isn't 3 boxes of Special K.

    It's a package of Banquet Brown 'n Serve.

    Now you know.

    Quintfecta Complete

    The man was no veteran in the War of Coupons. He took his battle-hardened shopping cart, but he took his civilian daughter with him, and he had absolutely no clue.

    Bang went the first coupon-- expired. Then the next volley of suck began-- must buy some $5 in produce, and his produce totaled to $3.87. He wasn't about to go get any more stuff. OK.

    Then the third one-- free with purchase of something he didn't have-- the fourth one expired... and the fifth.... EXPIRED!

    "Congratulations! You saved no money whatsoever! Even your Patheticard just went BEEP and sat there limply at the end of the counter, moping."

    He seemed quite cheerful, and finished paying and left.

    But they give no medals for stupidity in the Coupon Wars.

    The Coders Are On Crystal Math

    Once again the system is whack, yo. Having pointed out to us that signatures will be asked for on all plastic money transactions of $49.01 or greater (I adolescent you not), we have just been fed a bunch of cake lies, for now, for the second time in as many days, an order of $34.80 has required signature.

    The brazen public seems to accept every one of these little problems as a fact of life. Does this mean that someday people will scan 15 different cards for one order and get 5 cents off, be bombarded by 27 televisions advertising all kinds of products six inches away from your nose and in 3D while you shop, and despite paying cash, have to sign the receipt, a waiver, a third document authorizing withdrawals from your bank account, and must fill out a form listing your shoe size, your height, weight and a 200-word essay on why your height and weight are bad for you?

    Anyway, it has to be a coding error. I wish, oh, how I really wish the customers would refuse to sign. Just once. Because they shouldn't.

    Just Take My Word For It, Don't Be Open-Minded

    It happened sometime yesterday.

    I couldn't close because I didn't have a closed sign, and everyone absolutely refused to acknowledge the register light had been turned off.

    The last time that happened, the people who insisted on staying in line when I had told them, VERY LOUDLY, that I was closing after the person before them (who was last in line when it was time to close), were walked away from and I went home while they stayed in line waiting for me to ring them up tomorrow.

    Fortunately, at the last minute, a sign turned up and I was only five minutes late for my break. (Fortunately I can get back five minutes late too, but the issue here is the timeliness of it. Anyway, all good.)

    Today, I could only find ONE closed sign, so I grabbed it surreptitiously. However, right away one of my CWs started bitching about needing a closed sign even though she didn't see me pilfer it.

    So, what to do? Should I have been the gentleman and proffered it? Hell no. I told the bagger where he could find the Coinstar closed sign. (Yes our Coinstar closes, otherwise there'd be coins all over the place.)

    But where are they??? Why would anybody take a bunch of closed signs? Nothing else uses them in the store!

    All I could think of was, because we rarely have more than two registers open, that perhaps some idiot decided only two were needed, even though it works so much better if each register gets its own.

    Watch For Falling Keyboards

    They've been up about a month, and already the new keyboards are falling apart. I knew they had installed them (during the last blackout, remember) far too high up, and now they are getting pounded by people who do not like to have to reach up all the time, and leaned on by people who are sick of vertical wrist action.

    No fewer than two keyboards are now doing their own leaning, which would be all right except now the screen is as skewed as the savings.

    I found an old Patheticard someone had left behind. (Since it's the old one, whoever's it is won't be wanting it back.) That card fits perfectly in a tiny slot under the keyboard, holding it in place! It can still wobble and lean, and to fix that I need an inch-long piece of metal to jam in another spot.

    Someone call MacGuyver! Or is he still busy escaping that Turkish prison that Leslie Nielsen invited him to visit?

    Was This Your Card?

    Finally, the joke of the day.

    Me: Hi, how's it going? (starts ringing up groc's)
    He: (random polite noises)

    Oh wait, the dialogue didn't really start yet. The point here was, the man was looking at me funny even though I was doing what I was supposed to do-- ring up groc's. (Yeah, I know it should be unapostrophized, otherwise it stands for "Groc is", but never mind.)

    End of order came.

    Me: Do you have your Patheticard?
    He: Don't you want my card?
    Me: (ignoring him) Do you have your-
    He: (puts the card back)
    Me: Um, would you like to save money today?
    He: (stares at me)
    Me: Patheticard?
    He: (goes to pull it out of his shirt pocket) Do you need this card?
    Me: If I didn't, then why did I ask for it?
    He: (smiles) Do you give a senior discount?
    Me: No, I haven't been in high school in years.
    Last edited by Zoom; 09-16-2012, 02:19 AM. Reason: Added link to Part 1
    Why do they make Superglue but not Batglue?

  • #2
    Quoth Zoom
    <big snip>
    He: (smiles) Do you give a senior discount?
    Me: No, I haven't been in high school in years.
    This made me giggle.
    Driver Picks the Music, Shotgun Shuts His Cakehole.
    Supernatural 9-13-05 to forever

    Comment


    • #3
      Quoth Zoom View Post
      people who are sick of vertical wrist action
      Didn't think people ever got sick of that....
      Engaged to the sweet Mytical He is my Black Dragon (and yes, a good one) strong, protective, the guardian. I am his Silver Dragon, always by his side, shining for him, cherishing him.

      Comment


      • #4
        Never Pray For Change

        This happened six months ago.

        The elderly man had great dignity and respectfulness. He came into my line with an air of knowing things would get done, and by all the dogs in Bonegard, they got done, and quickly.

        Next order began, and 'twas a very slight order, methinks. The man had walked away and was looking into his Grocery Cage Match to further enjoy the handiwork of the bagging job, as well as pouring over the receipt to browse through some numbers that pleased him.

        The order after that commenced. I was about to greet the kindly woman, when rumblings began to emanate from stage left. I felt a twinge of frustration twist in my spine, for had I not done all that was required, and more besides? Was I not the soul of polite conversation?

        "Pardon me, but you didn't give me my change."

        "Well, sir, if you'll notice on your receipt, you paid for $26.47 with a $50 bill, and I gave you $23--"

        He seemed to accept this for a second, and I continued with my merry beeping.

        But a half-minute later, he was still standing there and said, "So? Where's my change?"

        At this point I had imagined he was actually more senile than he looked or behaved. Perhaps he forgot he was carrying the money in his pocket? Worse, what if he thought it was HIS money that he took with him to the store?

        "Well, you see, sir, I believe I have given you the $23 and--"

        "Not that. Where's my CHANGE?!?"

        The lightbulb switched on audibly in my rattling skull. "Oh! The coin dispenser should have given it."

        No money in the ashtray. The order after his had absconded with it.

        Now, at this juncture the average checker, not wishing to worry over 53 cents, would, upon completion of the woman's order, would have gotten some out and handed it to him. No big deal, right?

        Except that this drawer was bereft of coinage (which is common nowadays).

        Even more of a not big deal, though-- I could have directed the man to the desk, or perhaps given him a dollar.

        However, things weren't as simple as that.

        The man who had taken the change was still in the store and standing right there by the lottery machine!

        "I know what happened, sir. The man standing right over there by the lottery machine has your change."

        This should have worked. Or better yet, I should have gone over and told the other man, "Excuse me, but I think you have taken his change as well as your own." (I know he couldn't stick the coins in the paper-only gambler.) But I was under the impression that a) it was the elderly man's fault for not taking the coins, and b) he could still redeem his failure by taking action.

        Seriously. Something like 35% of our customers don't grab the change, and we can't go running after everybody. We're not Abraham Lincoln; we don't have a set of rail-splitters.

        But the man just stood there! "I'm not going over there, I want the CHANGE!"

        "Don't you see? HE has your change; I don't have your change. He took it and--"

        "I'm not moving from here until you GIVE ME MY CHANGE!"

        He went on and on about this and I finally gave up. OK, loud man. You can have your fifty-three cents. Soon as I finish this patient woman's order and open the drawer-- Oh, I see. You've decided to continue yelling at me even though that won't open the drawer any faster. And now the other man has finished losing his paper money and is walking out the door with his actual coinage winnings.

        "So where is it?"

        "As soon as I open the--"

        "I want it, NOW!"

        "You had your chance to get it earlier; now he's left the store."

        Then he started yelling while I was trying to tell the beleaguered woman her total, politely as was possible under the circumstances.

        Anyway, the man got his change, and despite his yelling and some stares from other customers he didn't get a visit from any managers.
        Why do they make Superglue but not Batglue?

        Comment


        • #5
          Quoth Zoom View Post

          My response went, "Eh, 90°* isn't that hot. Tomorrow's going to get up to 100°."

          "Don't say it! DON'T SAY IT!" She covered her ears. "I can't bear to hear these words."

          "OK, forget I said anything. Hey, didja hear it's going up to 50° tomorrow?"

          *For UK readers, I forgot how much it was in millipedes.
          Ah, that's why we talk about the weather here (UK London).
          Someone comments on the weather, you agree with them. (politics, religion, football etc, no way could you fake agreement. But weather? totally safe.)
          Your next line could totally contradict the previous statement, but you at least _start_ with 100% agreeing with them.
          ("Isn't it lovely and hot!", response "Yes, isn't it lovely! *long pause* but I prefer snow".)

          Comment


          • #6
            The Celebrated Jumping Frog Of Cook County
            Good thing I wasn't there. Whenever I pick up frogs they pee on me.

            Banquet Brown 'n Serve.
            um ok?

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth Zoom View Post
              After I got back from break, it turned out P. had somehow caught the frog which had moved its way towards the self-checkout. Wonder what it was going to buy? Anyway, I presume it was set free somewhere with lower prices.
              He was looking for a manager to complain about your manhandling...
              This was one of those times where my mouth says "have a nice day" but my brain says "go step on a Lego". - RegisterAce
              I can't make something magically appear to fulfill all your hopes and dreams. Believe me, if I could I'd be the first person I'd help. - Trixie

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth RealUnimportant View Post
                He was looking for a manager to complain about your manhandling...
                *leaps for the pun* Because he could have croaked from it!
                If I make no sense, I apologize. I'm constantly interrupted by an actual toddler.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth raudf View Post
                  *leaps for the pun* Because he could have croaked from it!
                  Its a high fly... and... and.. he catches it.
                  I am not an a**hole. I am a hemorrhoid. I irritate a**holes!
                  Procrastination: Forward planning to insure there is something to do tomorrow.
                  Derails threads faster than a pocket nuke.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Plugging Away

                    We have two courtesy motorized carts for the handicapped. Actually, since they usually bring their own carts, these get used by people who drove here and can't walk too far for one reason or another (and yes, frequently that reason is that they drive everywhere instead of walking, but this isn't the story).

                    Two weeks ago, I saw A. and his crony (oh, I haven't introduced A, yet. Probably saving him up for a really slow store news day. Anyway, his second initial should be H considering the assholery we put up with. Fortunately he isn't responsible enough to become a manager.)

                    Oh, I forgot to finish that sentence. Anyway, A. and his crony were seen late at night playing go-karts with the two. Since nobody else was in the store, and they were put right back and recharged, this is really the fault of the poor overworked manager who stays in the little room behind the service desk.

                    Next week, however, was interesting. One early morning shift I went to plug in the second cart and noticed it had only one prong.

                    WTF?

                    Now, I'm no rocket surgeon, but I know a one-prong plug is a recipe for Zapland. I asked around about it and was told, "Oh, it's been like that for awhile now, we just have the customers use the other one."

                    I could imagine! Probably have a lot of complaints when one is in use and the other is needed.

                    Today, however, the cart hit the fan.

                    Someone came in and wanted to use the existing cart that was there, i.e. the broken one. A. (No, wait, her name also starts with A but I've forgotten what I've been calling her on this forum.) The other A tells her, "You can't use this cart, because we can't plug it in and it doesn't have a charge."

                    W. (I don't know her initial, but never mind.): Well, what am I supposed to do?
                    A2: You could wait for the other one to open up.
                    Me (What initial am I using?): (over the roar of the Coinstar) ACTUALLY I THINK IT WILL NEED TO BE RECHARGED FIRST BEFORE YOU COULD USE IT.

                    So what happened? W. sat down on one of our benches, and waited an entire three hours for the other customer to finish with it! And then drove off with it right away without waiting for it to recharge.

                    She came back some fifteen(?!?) minutes later, and we got to recharge it.

                    But wow, to have to wait three hours just to do fifteen minutes of shopping. That's... that's... that's the patience of J. right there.

                    Plugging Away 2: Non-electric Boogaloo

                    About five minutes later I saw some guy with a broken leg climb into the other cart and drive off with it!

                    WTF? That's supposed to have a depleted charge!

                    I remember some years ago when one cart wasn't recharged, and it stopped and wouldn't budge, forcing the customer to get up and walk the rest of the way. Sorry, but you didn't let it charge up!

                    But this?!? This couldn't be recharged, and yet somehow this man in the crutches also did well in the clutch and got it moving with no trouble.

                    Other than a small complaint about how slowly it drove, he was the perfect gentleman.

                    Yes, We Have No Price Checks

                    I rang up some frozen thing called Dadu. Nothing happened, prompting a call for a price check.

                    SC: "Oh, if you need to call for the price I don't want it."

                    OK, if you're in a hurry, fine. But then he proceeded to not find his credit card. He was really good at that and seemed to enjoy it, because it took him nearly ten minutes of not finding his card before he had rotten luck and it turned up.

                    Meanwhile, I was called twice by Frozen who asked me if I had a price check. "Sorry, cancelled," I answered, "he's in a hurry."

                    It was $1.29 when I put it back later. It would have taken all of ten seconds for Frozen Man to look inside the cold case to see the price.

                    Caution When Bending Over To Read Signs

                    Guy #1 had a newspaper, some Gatorade and some ice. I rang him up easily.

                    He then proceeded to tear open the bag of ice to dump it in his foam cooler. There were extra cubes all over the floor and people for hours afterward were complaining of puddles. (It's OK, it's a seeing-eye dog.)

                    Guy #Fawkes had a newspaper, some Gatorade and some ice. Oh, and a pack of gum. I rang him up easily. However, while he was selecting the gum, I quickly bagged his other things, including the ice, placing them in his cart.

                    Then he just stood there and said, "Do you need my card?"

                    Me: Sur-
                    G2: I want to save the money.
                    Me: -e.
                    G2: (hands it over)
                    Me: (Beep!) There you go, your new total is now $X.XX.*
                    G2. Why is that? Isn't the Gatorade 69 cents?
                    Me: (sees it rang up as $1.29) Um, it didn't ring up that way...
                    G2: It says so, right there in the display!

                    I go to look, and I knew what it said, but I wanted to make sure so I could be definitive about the price.

                    Me: Yes, the problem is that it says they're 69 cents each when you buy ten. You're only buying two of them, and--
                    G2: You're ripping me off, man! (hands over money)

                    Wait, what? If you want to complain, why are you giving me the money? You should be asking me to take something off! Or at least to change the price.

                    G2: (continuing) The sign said 69 cents, so you're pulling a switch on me...
                    Me: Sir, the sign clearly says "when you buy ten", so if you want to remove the Ga...
                    G2: WHAT? You expect me to bend over to read the sign?
                    Me: (No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to PAY.)

                    He was already able to read the part of the sign that said "69 cents" though...

                    Anyway, he paid for it, so all of his griping was for nothing. Thanks Mr. Fawkes! Come back and next time don't wear your mask on your sleeve.

                    *That's Roman numerals for Ten tennedy-ten.

                    BossholeTM

                    She's the former Bosshole's replacement, but has not been very Bossholey the last couple of years. But, like the Yellowstone Caldera, we fully expect one day she will erupt into a full-fledged volcanic piece of suck. Meanwhile, we bide our time and a half.

                    Today she was running a register racket, even though it wasn't busy or anything. (Probably didn't want to bag for me-- quite understandable considering I'm the fastest checker this side of the Pecos.)

                    Me finished, I walk over to bag for her, and the following ensued:

                    BH: Will you open so I can close? Or are you relieving me?
                    Me: Um, I'm already open.
                    BH: Well, you need to go back to your register, because otherwise they're all coming into my line.

                    I bit my tongue. Um, no, they're not coming into your line. Your line has one customer in it, and you've had that customer since before I finished my last one, you slowpoke. There's no customers looking for lines, so why the hell don't you just close your register already?

                    She remained open another fifteen minutes, during which it didn't get busy at all.

                    Prisoner Of Cell Phone H

                    Customer shenanigans in line, or is it on line, at the end of the order:

                    RING RING - pick up phone - hold up to ear - "Hello?"
                    Looks at phone - RING RING - pushes button - hold up to ear - "Hello?"
                    Looks at phone - RING RING - pushes button - pushes another button - hold up to ear - "Hello?"
                    Looks at phone - RING RING - pushes a third button - hold up to ear - "Hello?" - CLICK.
                    Puts phone back in pocket.

                    The Red Price Is For Paying And Unpaying

                    Me: OK, that'll be $21.75.
                    He: What was that?
                    Me: $21.75.
                    He: Here you go. (hands over $12.00)
                    Me: OK, that's $12, now you need $9.75.
                    He: What?
                    Me: From $21.75, you paid $12...
                    He: NO! It's eleven-fifty!
                    Me: What? My screen says $21.75...
                    He: I paid you twelve dollars! Now gimme my reseat! (Anyone who pronounces it "gimme" can not be counted on to spell "receipt".)

                    Sure enough, the screen he was looking at went like this:

                    Tax: X.XX
                    Total: 21.75
                    Your savings: 11.50

                    And people have been thinking Red = Your total.

                    I swear, someday I'm going to find the troll programmer responsible for this, and when I do, I'm going to make him as misshapen as his namesake! I'll make him forget every letter in the English language except C.
                    Why do they make Superglue but not Batglue?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth Zoom View Post
                      Plugging AwayI swear, someday I'm going to find the troll programmer responsible for this, and when I do, I'm going to make him as misshapen as his namesake! I'll make him forget every letter in the English language except C.
                      Might be better to make him forget every letter in the English language except "A", "P", and "L". I've worked on a number of "C" programs which were well-commented (and therefore maintainable). APL, on the other hand, has a reputation (never used it, so no personal knowledge) of being a "write-only" language. Trolls like that should be made responsible for the maintenance of a large program written in APL.
                      Any fool can piss on the floor. It takes a talented SC to shit on the ceiling.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Zoom, your writing is amazing! I've been giggling like a maniac thru this whole thread. Keep it up!
                        Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum! - Don't you dare erase my hard disk!

                        This is Tech Support, not Customer Service.
                        What's the difference?
                        We're allowed to tell you "no".

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Fappy Jourth of Huly!

                          I used to own an APL II. Some of its keys were missing.

                          Suckitois En Passant

                          Heading for work today. It's the usual 100 degrees (but not of separation), and the only person I encounter as I walk there says:

                          "Hey you, is Pathetica open today?"

                          My reply: "I don't know, I'm going there to find out. When I get back I'll let you know."

                          She wasn't there when I got back. Maybe the fireworks got her.

                          Overheard Mentality

                          As I was about to clock in, I passed the bakery where a humongous woman with a tiny child in tow seemed to be addressing nobody very loudly:

                          "I've been to Wallgreen's; they have a whole section of Justin Bieber cards!!"

                          Impressive! But how many does one tiny child need? She didn't even look old enough to appreciate whatever it is that emanates from J.B.'s orifice.

                          Signature of the Times

                          About 57% of customers who sign our new touchscreen with the stylus put the stylus back backwards. Even though they saw how it was aligned when they grabbed it, and it doesn't fit the other way.

                          Of course, this is better than the other 43% who just leave it dangling. Where it will one day snap off, thus making the world a better place.

                          What Sun Through Yonder Window Breaks?

                          J. Desk was pulling up the shades. At least two hours before sunset.

                          Because of a CLOUD. A single cloud that reminds me of Plastic Ono Band's "Live Peace in Toronto" album cover.

                          I know he's partially deaf, but now we also know he is partially insensitive to temperature.

                          Oh well, his loss, because he spent much of the next two hours bagging and running around in the suddenly much hotter front end of the store.

                          Guessing Game

                          The drunkest man imaginable (who is still ambulatory) stayed at the Hotel du Shopping Line (with plenty of vacancies in people's heads). He was being propped up by a son on one side and a cart on the other.

                          He didn't ask for one room with something to throw up in; instead he bought some groceries.

                          Can you guess what sort of groceries he attempted to buy?

                          Nope. No beer, fireworks, eggs or toilet paper.

                          What a waste of drunkenness! What's he gonna do, collapse in bed at home??

                          Life Idiotating Art

                          Then we had a couple who looked exactly like they belonged in Idiocracy.

                          Seriously. They had the exact same body language and apparent mentality of people in that movie. The woman had put the items on the cart, and the man stood there at the keypad with his card poised, waiting for the order to end.

                          And he was so gung ho to swipe his card that the woman almost didn't get to give me her coupons. He had that vacuous expression and complete indifference to saving money or even spending it.

                          Pathetican't!

                          If I get 3-4 orders in a row without their Patheticard, all those walks back and forth just to scan the store card really get on my nerves. I imagine the customers waiting in line would prefer a faster method, and so I've been experimenting with one.

                          If a) nobody asks if they can type their phone number in, and b) nobody asks if I can give them the savings, then I just ring the order through.

                          After all, that hand scanner needs time to recharge! Likely it won't work if not given a chance.

                          Sometimes they say, "I left the card at home." That home must be saving a LOT of money.

                          The Twilight Vampires Stole 'Em

                          Tons of fireworks sold today (I can hear most of them going off now). One family came in and asked, "But where are your sparklers? I didn't see any."

                          So, off to page the wizard, the wonderful wizard of suck.

                          You said what? OK... click.

                          "I'm sorry, but they say they're not even carrying any this year."

                          Really? The one thing that makes the least noise, and you'd expect it to be quite popular in this neighborhood at night.

                          The Fire that Doesn't Work

                          This happened about a year ago.

                          Register 1's secondary conveyor belt (the one carrying groceries from the scale to the bagger) was always very, very warm, and I always made sure to turn it off so it could cool down, but I had noticed people were leaving it on.

                          One day, while I was on Register 3, I heard it go WHOOM! Then sparks started to fly!

                          Suddenly it was on fire!

                          But, here's the incredible thing. Before I could yell, "Fire! Call the Fire Department!" the Fire Department actually showed up in front of Register 1 and extinguished the electrical fire, which blew more sparks and plenty of smoke.

                          The entire belt was destroyed, and there was water damage (the computers were all right, being under the other belt), but obviously this register wasn't going to see use for some time.

                          About a month ago, well after it was fixed, I noticed they didn't keep the switches at both ends of the belt which turn the belt on and off. That must've been where the faulty wiring was.

                          But now, because of it, the secondary belt won't turn on unless the primary one is running, which only happens if there isn't anything blocking it in front.

                          I finally had to use Register 1 today. And I couldn't get that damn belt moving! I just want to move a couple items, but the first belt is so jammed full that I can't budge anything!

                          I think I'm more upset that the switches are missing. If there's one thing I like more than buttons, it's switches. Anyway, it's only food, it'll survive my sliding it down the belt, usually.

                          The Break Slow Club

                          There's this man, or boy. No, probably a man. Anyway, he always wants to talk to me when I just want to sit there on break and do my Sudoku or work on my notes for the game I'm coding in my spare time.

                          Today was no exception, and as usual he had a topic with which to annoy everyone whose only crimes were they like to sit down and rest for fifteen minutes.

                          "Gab gab gab! I LOVE my cellphone! Bla bla bla! It's the greatest thing since the sliced wheel!"

                          It's ironic that he loves the one thing that he doesn't talk to. Everyone within earshot has to hear about his wonderful cellphone, but not anyone he might ever call!

                          Maybe one day he'll accidentally leave it on and take it downstairs, and he'll get a writeup, and he'll see how wonderful his phone is then.

                          Boomtown Scams

                          A bunch of teenage boys came to buy some food (not much), and fireworks (plenty of). Here's the trick I pulled on them.

                          I rang it all up regularly, even a bit slowly, so the others not paying would leave. Then before I gave the total, "Oh, and did you bring your ID?"

                          He wasn't the youngest one, but he was certainly not prepared for this, and there was nobody in the store any longer who could help him out. "I didn't know we needed an ID. How old do you have to be?"

                          "18."

                          "OK, I'll just have the apple and gum."

                          As he left, however, he turned to me and said, "Oh, and there's a lot of water in the store; I slipped and almost broke my back!"

                          Obviously he was lying and trying to save face by making the store and its policy the target. I pretended to look in the direction of where there wasn't any water.

                          Losing the argument's believability, he retorted messily, "Over there, back in the food section!"

                          Origami Reserve Notes

                          People come in all the time and pay with money. Yes! They still can!

                          What they can't do, however, is fold it correctly so it can be kept in good condition for either a) my drawer or b) a vending machine.

                          And it's always the ones with the wadded up dough who expect me to give them their change the fastest. Sorry guys, Ima unfold the bills and even sometimes pretend to press them with an iron.

                          Today, however, was the suckiest folditude and impatience.

                          I glared at her and replied, "I remember when money was rectangles."

                          From Whom They Beg Coins

                          Not a chance in hell! A guy came up to my closed drawer, asking if I had change for $10.

                          In quarters.

                          Of course not! Anyway, he would have folded them beyond recognition.

                          The Tables Are Turned

                          Sometimes they forget to tell me they left their Patheticard at home. They probably have it in their pocket and just don't want to dig it out.

                          But then they ask "Do you have your card?"

                          I always respond with "I'm sorry, I left it at home." That usually gets them fondling their pockets.

                          Sorry, We're Clopen

                          And when we closed at 9pm (about two hours ago as I type this), J. Desk didn't make sure the doors were, you know, locked, so people kept sauntering into the store well past the cuckoo announcing end of the ballgame.

                          Fortunately, I was scheduled for another 30 minutes, and only had to raise my voice a little bit at J. Desk so he could fix the problem.

                          Towards the end of the 30 minutes, I was cleaning registers while a bagger (who was on overstock) asked me, "Is it all right if you open a register so I can buy some stuff?"

                          WTF?!?

                          "Um, no, I think they took the drawers in, and in any case I leave in five minutes."

                          Cue sad face.

                          "However, I can reopen a self-checkout for you. You can buy stuff before your shift is over."

                          That part is actually true, provided the store closes around when you leave.

                          I went to reopen a SCO and J. Desk said, "Hey, where's [other bagger]?"

                          Me: Oh, he's on overstock. The other one needs to buy something though, so I have to reopen this."

                          Cue puzzled face, followed by J. Desk tracking down the suddenly-shopping bagger and having words with him.

                          This was silly. He should have given him the chance to get something. After all, just 30 minutes before we closed, he asked me if I wanted to buy anything!

                          Anyway, it's all over! Good night everybody!
                          Last edited by Zoom; 07-05-2012, 04:14 AM.
                          Why do they make Superglue but not Batglue?

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                          • #14
                            Quoth Zoom View Post

                            And when we closed at 9pm (about two hours ago as I type this), J. Desk didn't make sure the doors were, you know, locked, so people kept sauntering into the store well past the cuckoo announcing end of the ballgame.
                            I remember a few years ago when a manager forgot to lock the doors and went home! Fun being awakened by a call from the police as to why people are in the store.

                            How is that new recycling/composting program working out for you? I know that some of those backrooms smell really bad with this heat!

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                            • #15
                              Quoth MrWags View Post
                              How is that new recycling/composting program working out for you? I know that some of those backrooms smell really bad with this heat!
                              I haven't noticed anyone composting anything (except plants in Floral), but the paper recycling initiative is interesting, consisting as it does of complete and total ignorance by most of the workers, just like the previous 5-6 times they tried to implement it.

                              Wherein the Suck Becomes the Blow

                              Doing Self-Checkout, constantly interrupted by everyone wanting everything. One customer, kept ringing up his junk, running some Link card, kept getting declined, then walks back elsewhere in the store with selfsame junk, leaving me to cancel the order.

                              Finally he walks over to a regular line, where someone will get the chance to tell him he already tried the PIN three times and his card locked up.

                              Then, a little kid walked up to me.

                              "Um... excuse me?" he stammered. "Can I borrow some paper towels?"

                              Wonder what it was or if I even still have any left.

                              "My sister threw up, and I have to clean it up. I'll bring it right back."

                              "No, that's OK, just throw them out when you're done."

                              Wow. Someone volunteering to fix their own (family's) mess. The kid deserves a medallion to call Prince Planet, a whistle to summon the Space Giants, and a fur coat made out of Snorlax.

                              (There. I've done my obscure TV show references for the next decade.)

                              Anyway, the kid came back, with a couple towels still on the roll. That deserves a Certificate of Immunity From Anything Whatsoever, or maybe a Legion Flight Ring.
                              Why do they make Superglue but not Batglue?

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