Crazy in love- is the crazy part true?

[LewisLegion]

I can honestly say that I am really, truly, completely, head over heels in love with someone for the very first time in my 36 years of life.

Sounds horrible, doesn't it? I mean, horrible in the 'how sad she hasn't had that yet in her entire life', but there's a reason for that. I have been in what I would have, at the time, termed 'love'...and looking back now with a bit more 20/20 vision on the subject, it WAS love- just not the kind of love that I thought it was.

A couple of the rare men that I did date were the subjects of these feelings. I did love and still love them, supported them, wanted to hang around them, but it wasn't romantic love...at least not on my end. I thought that it was what everyone felt when they were actually IN LOVE and, as a result, never could figure out why people wrote songs about it and did such wacky and crazy things for the one they loved. I mean, I would do a lot for them, but I never felt giddy, wacky, and song-worthy about it.

Now of course I know it for what it was. I wasn't open with myself then about my orientation, and my feelings were really nothing more than me having a really good guy friend that I trusted.

Everything has changed now. This year has been incredible and incredibly disconcerting at the same time. Very shortly after coming out to myself and realizing that I really am a lesbian, that it's all right and that I deserve to be happy, I met someone online. That was in January. Now it's August. We became 'official' in June, and everything I'm feeling is suddenly leaps and bounds beyond what I had thought was love, so much so that its a little overwhelming. Now I understand why people write songs and do crazy things. I keep thinking that I've only known her since January but I already can't see my life without her. Even if things somehow don't work out and we just end up being friends, I don't ever want to lose her.

Everything about her- likes, dislikes, habits, thoughts, hobbies, philosophies- is so utterly perfect for me its like -at risk of sounding horribly sappy- she was made for me. I'm dealing with real feelings for the first time at 36, that MOST people learn to cope with in their teens and twenties, and it feels like being caught in a hurricane.

Of course, part of me worries that this ISN'T normal, that somehow I'm overcompensating because this is the first relationship I've had where I can literally be exactly who I am with no pretenses. Other times I think I'm going nuts and this isn't what other people in love feel at all, but then I think - who cares? It's wonderful!!

We talk every day, constantly, both through text online and over XBox live (saves long-distance charges) and have from the moment we met in January. Right now the relationship is very long-distance (she's in Australia) and for the moment- much as it hurts- that's a good thing. I'm still coping with coming out and adjusting to everything, and I'm afraid if she was in proximity I'd either chicken out and shut down, pushing her unfairly away...or I'd jump too fast into something I'm not yet ready for.

However I'm already making long term plans in my head. She's coming to visit in 2014 and we're already planning the vacation: PAX, and a cruise up to Victoria BC, meet the family. Saving up to take a similar trip to Australia (hopefully sooner, in 2013...she can't come sooner because she's already got a European vacation planned with her family and can't afford a second one in the same year), see her home, meet her family, get a feel of the place. Then we're going to decide if I go down there (most likely) or she comes up here.

I already want to spend my entire life with this person, and we haven't even met face to face yet.

So yeah...crazy in love, or just crazy? Is this the way other people feel when they actually fall in love? I know the long-distance thing is hard and some people frown on the whole 'online' thing (which I think is nuts. I met my best friend of thirteen years online, didn't meet her in person until five years ago, and she and her husband now live with me...all of my incredibly good friends I've met online, my sister met her husband online, chatting from different states for four years before ever meeting...don't tell me that it can't work).

I know leaving the country is NOT an easy step...not for me, and not for her. But honestly, if I weren't a bit more reasonable and responsible, I would quit my job right now and be on the next plane to Australia to stay forever if I could, I don't care what political loopholes I have to jump through or how much paperwork and legal work I have to do, I would be there in a heartbeat.

So yeah...thoughts? Which kind of crazy am I?

[ArcticChicken]

I know without the shadow of a doubt that True Love exists. I am in the same kind of love with my BF, and we're coming up on 3 years. We still talk every night, despite the fact that we live in the same city, he spends weekends at my house during the school year, and he's lived here most of the summer so far (I had school, and other commitments. We're probably going to spend most of the rest of the month at his house.)

[Mytical]

If you are crazy, then I guess I am too. We can start a 'Crazy is us' club . I've never met Marmalady face to face, but I dream about her. I miss her when I can't talk to her, and feel horrible when real life keeps me from her. I understand the love songs, have written poems for her. If she told me to fly off a bridge, I'd do so with a smile on my face. There is not a minute of the day (while I am awake) I don't think about her.

So..yes, I can be called crazy, and I don't care. I embrace the crazy, and truly hope it never ends.

[Marmalady]

We're a well-matched pair then, honey.

There's not a day goes by when I don't bless this site for existing, because otherwise I might never have met Mytical. Yes, I have written poems for him too, and yes all the old love songs make sense to me now. And yes I hate it when we can't talk to each other, and when we speak on the phone, his voice just makes me want to turn cartwheels down the road.

Crazy? I don't care. If there's a cure for this, I don't want it.

[Elspeth]

Not crazy at all in my book. I still feel that way after 21 years together with my hubby. I can't imagine my life without him. He is my best friend.

[Kristev]

You can't control love. I fell in love with two men (at different times) who never wanted me and were quite clear about it.

So if you've found someone who loves you in return, enjoy it, savor it to the fullest. It's a rare blessing many of us will never know.

[LewisLegion]

Thanks guys good to know I'm no more crazy than usual I just hope I don't do anything to screw it up.

[Seshat]

Your dopamine levels are going all silly. Don't worry: it's a normal part of being in love with someone. Relax and enjoy it.

But yes, there is a 'valid' neurochemical reason for the strange new emotions you're feeling, and it's alright to feel them, and it's also part of being human.


The scientists haven't completed the research on what is going on in the brain when we're in love: but they do know that dopamine gets splashed around like confetti (or rice) at a wedding.


That said, I believe in mind/brain duality. 'You' are more than just a collection of cells and neurotransmitters and interstitial fluids. 'You' are what is in love, the brain is merely responding to it and enabling/assisting in the reaction.

(And no, if you asked me to point to a particle of 'mind' I couldn't possibly do so. It's an emergent property. I can't explain sentience or sapience either.)

[dragon_wings]

Woohoo! I'm so happy for you! Love is a crazy thing. Really it is. And I'm glad not only that you admitted to yourself who it is you were looking for (women vs men) and you found someone you wanna spend your life with.
I've only been talking to Bex (CashierBex) for maybe a month and a half but when she asked me a week and a half ago to be her girlfriend I couldn't image saying no.

[telecom_goddess]

That's awesome! It's great that you were able to come out to yourself and to her, and realize your true orientation. I can so understand the deep love and attachment that forms with an online relationship!

[artcurmudgeon]

Long distance relationships are very difficult and very rewarding at the same time.

BG:I had a 3 year, 5000 mile relationship with my wife before she immigrated over here and we got married.

Having done it and survived it, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

But here are my thoughts..

1)You are not crazy, but once you become accustomed to living in 2 different timezones, you might be.
2)Make sure you set aside committed time for phone conversations on a regular basis. You can email all day til you are blue in the face, but when you make time and so does your SO(significant other), that begins to make it more real for you both your lives.
3)Don't feel odd if you begin to obsess about each other, as long as it is both of you and not just one of you in a creepy stalker type of way, then it is all good.
4)Start learning as much as you can about your SO's culture and preferences. It will go along way towards "Missing in translation"...Classic example, Slap a lady on the fanny in the usa, she might like it. Slap a lady on the fanny in the uk, you are in for a fight....
5)Remember to breath.....slow and steady wins this race..

[LewisLegion]

I've only been talking to Bex (CashierBex) for maybe a month and a half but when she asked me a week and a half ago to be her girlfriend I couldn't image saying no.

Congrats I'm so happy for you!!

artcurmudgeon: We make it a point to talk every Saturday night. We usually get together with friends on XBox live to do some multiplayer, but after things break up for the night we stay on the party chat for a while with just the two of us, talking 'face to face' as it were. We're looking in to coordinating some Skype as well.

Add into that the texting, IM and emails, and we talk more than I do with some of the people I live with

[dragon_wings]

Congrats I'm so happy for you!!

Thanks. *blushes*

I'm glad you're happy and you're willing to make it work. *happy smile and hugs*

[cashierbex]

I hate the phone. Absolutely dread it. But for the relationship to work, I make an exception. I prefer texting, more than anything.

Long distance relationships is hard enough in the states. Can't imagine different countries. But I am happy and and happy that I can make DW happy. And I hope that happiness is the same for you guys. Thats all that matters right now.

[Jester]

I am going to comment here, with just a few hats on.

I am going to attempt to be the voice of reason.
I am a romantic, as I've said time and time again.
I have been in love.
And I am longtime observer of the human condition.

So, while not everything I say will be popular with everyone here, I will say it anyway, as a lot of it, in my personal opinion, needs to be said.

First of all, congratulations! And whatever happens, enjoy this time. It may last your lifetime...it may be over in a few months. There is absolutely no predicting it, whatever you may feel you "know" now. Just keep that in mind and, as I said, enjoy this!

Very shortly after coming out to myself and realizing that I really am a lesbian, that it's all right and that I deserve to be happy, I met someone online.

And whatever happens, for good or ill, remember that. You DO deserve to be happy, and if you start believing otherwise, you will merely begin the process of a self-fulfilling prophecy; i.e., you don't believe you deserve to be happy, and then you find that you are not happy, and are not finding anything that makes you happy, and in some ways are sabotaging things that would make you happy, even if you are not aware of it. So, remember...you DESERVE to be happy. Period!

I keep thinking that I've only known her since January but I already can't see my life without her.

Cold water time, and I apologize for this, but: this is normal. And it doesn't mean that much more than you have discovered love for the first time. This may well end up being the love of your life...but it may not. Just understand that when people first fall in love, oftentimes the early part of the relationship is all honey and sunshine and perfection and unicorns dancing in the stars with butterflies. And that is often the case whether it IS the love of your life (as it was with me and my ex-fiance) or it is a actually someone that you will end up hating (as it was with me and That Vile Woman). In both relationships, early on I was giddy beyond belief, couldn't believe my good fortune, thought I had found The One, and was blown away by how well we fit together. One turned out to be an absolutely wonderful, sweet, intelligent, vibrant woman that, despite her flaws, I desperately wanted to marry, a woman that I proposed to, that I was engaged to, and that, while I am no longer with her, am not bitter towards her at all, and would probably still marry her all these years later. And the other one ended up being the absolute worst girlfriend I've ever had, and one of the worst people I've ever known: a thief, a manipulator, a liar, a cheater, a user, and a horribly detestable woman. But the early days were eerily similar. And it's not just these women (it's happened with others in my life), and it's not just me (I see it all the time with others). The reason you have not felt it before is, in my opinion, you were "looking for love in all the wrong places," i.e., dating men when you were actually attracted to women. You were a round peg trying to fit into the square hole society had told you you should fit into, and as such, while you adored and felt affection towards the men you dated, you did not know the love you know now.

So this may be It, or it may not....it is, after all, the first time you've been involved with someone that fits your orientation, and it's been a long time coming, so of course you are going to go off the rails for this woman. Just remember, this early giddiness is normal, and doesn't signify Signs From Heaven or anything else, other than that you really love this woman. And that's a good thing. But it's still early, and it may end up being nothing more than just a good thing. Please, remember that.

Everything about her- likes, dislikes, habits, thoughts, hobbies, philosophies- is so utterly perfect for me its like -at risk of sounding horribly sappy- she was made for me.

This is also normal, and part of the early stage giddiness I talked about above. And something sociologists have discussed for years. Oftentimes, in the early stages of a relationship, we only "see" the parts that fit us, thus making the other person "perfect" for us, whether or not they actually are.

I am not saying this is or is not the case, merely that this happens frequently with people all the time. We unconsciously overlook the things that don't fit, and only focus on those that do, and thus come to the (oftentimes erroneous) conclusion that our new love is our perfect match.

Again, be careful, and remember this is normal. And that no one, NO ONE, is ever perfect. True love happens over time, after people realize the flaws and failings of their partner, and still love them, despite and perhaps sometimes because of those flaws and failings. She may well have been "made for you," but she is not perfect, and in time you will discover her neuroses, her problems, her flaws, her issues, and the parts of her that don't fit your idea of a perfect match. As long as you are not seeking perfection in your partner, this should not be a huge issue. It will merely be a calming of these emotions as you become more aware of the totality of the other person, and each decide if you are, in fact, right for each other. I wish you luck in this coming journey of yours, for there will be twists, turns, and speed bumps that you never saw coming. There will be disappointments, on both sides, and how the two of you deal with them will determine what kind of future together, if any, you have.

I'm dealing with real feelings for the first time at 36, that MOST people learn to cope with in their teens and twenties, and it feels like being caught in a hurricane.

Most people who "fall in love" in their teens and early twenties are not finding their perfect mates, but merely stepping into the love pool for the first time, testing the waters, as it were. You are older than they are, but as this is a totally new experience for you, even at your age, you will be going through a lot of the same things as they do, and with the same frame of reference they often have: none, since you have the same amount of prior experience they usually have: none.

And yes, it will feel like a hurricane. But as someone who actually lives in a hurricane zone, let me remind you that a hurricane is temporary, and what happens after a hurricane is what determines how your life will go. Hurricanes are weather anomalies; they come, blow shit all around, and then leave. Most of the year, the wind is calmer, the rain is less, and the tide is lower. Just as real life and long-term relationships are far calmer than what you are going through now.

Keep in mind, I am NOT trying to damper your spirits. I'm thrilled for you, and even a bit jealous, as it's been a while since I've been through it myself. I'm just trying to let you know what may yet happen; that the future and your real life almost certainly cannot sustain this kind of hurricane ferocity, and that things will calm down, for better or worse.

Of course, part of me worries that this ISN'T normal, that somehow I'm overcompensating because this is the first relationship I've had where I can literally be exactly who I am with no pretenses. Other times I think I'm going nuts and this isn't what other people in love feel at all, but then I think - who cares? It's wonderful!!

It's all of that. It isn't normal, and yet it is. You are overcompensating, but so does everyone else. It is your first real relationship where you don't have to pretend to be something you're not, but it is still your first real foray into this. You are going nuts, but this is what other people in love feel. And most importantly, you are absolutely correct when you say that it's wonderful. It is. It's great, fantastic, terrifying, scary, ridiculous, over the top, sappy, stupid, gorgeous, beautiful, overwhelming, and wonderful. So, as you said so wisely....who cares? Who cares WHAT it is? Enjoy it for what it is now. It may be the start of the most important part of your life. Or it may simply be your First Love, with others to follow. Your introduction to what is yet to come, the prologue, the preface, the first chapter. Who knows? And again, who cares? Enjoy it!

So yeah...crazy in love, or just crazy?

Both. It's crazy in love, and it's just plain crazy. Which is what crazy in love IS. Yes, you're out of your gourd. So what? Have fun with it. Go nuts. You deserve it. Just....be careful, and understand that this could be the love of your life, but it could also potentially crash down around your ears in ways you haven't even considered possible yet.

I know the long-distance thing is hard and some people frown on the whole 'online' thing.

Two things on this.

First: the long-distance thing IS hard, and be prepared for that. But it will be even harder once you actually meet, assuming both of your feelings remain the same after that first meeting. Because while you certainly can get to know someone well, even intimately, online and over chats and phone calls, there is NO substitution for face-to-face interaction when it comes to romance. A look, a touch, a caress....no keyboard can adequately substitute for that, ever. So understand that there is more yet to come, more even than what happened with your best friend, for there is romance here, and that is the wild card that changes everything. Your face to face meeting may elevate the relationship to new heights, but it may also bring it to a grinding, perhaps even crashing, halt. "But that could never happen with us." Yes, I know. That is what we all think. But....it can. And it does. Understand that that is also normal.

Two: Some people frown on the whole online thing. Some people also frown on the long distance thing, the lesbian thing, the different age thing, the living together thing, the having children out of wedlock thing, the interracial thing, the differing religion thing, the public displays of affection thing, the chastity thing, the premarital sex thing, and so on and so on. No matter what you do, there are ALWAYS going to be people who frown on what you do and/or how you do it. I have two words of advice for you when it comes to such people:

Fuck 'em.

You do what makes you happy, and the rest of the world can go take a flying leap into a rusty fucking buzz saw if they don't like it. Did you ask them for permission? No? Then don't bother wasting time caring what the fuck they think of you and what you are doing with your life. If you aren't harming anyone or doing them harm, their opinion matters exactly not a damn bit.

So yeah...thoughts? Which kind of crazy am I?

The normal kind. Welcome to the party. I've got the rum, beer, chili, and bacon over here, and I have no doubt that others around here will supply the baked goods, coffee, smoky treats, chocolate barbecue, wine, and other cocktails. Good to have you here. Hope you stay awhile, and enjoy what it has to offer. And don't mind the guy in the Chewbacca suit swinging from the chandelier--to him, that's normal, and what makes him happy.