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'You don't agree with me; you must hate my son!' (Long)
This was a lovely way to end a week after not having seen the family in 4-years.
Every summer for the past 7 years my parents (in their 60’s) have rented a cottage at a campground in New England. It started out with just them, then my oldest sister G and 2nd oldest (T) joined-in for the next few years along with their daughters (G’s daughter B, and T’s daughter A), and sometimes their boyfriends at the time. Every so often G’s stepson would have time-off from the military to come with his family, though he set-up in a campsite nearby. T got herself booted by the rest of the family after a few years, but A was still welcome. The camp offers lots of activities along with swimming, boating, hiking, etc. but all that the family my parents invited really like to do is drink around the campfire at night. My parents like to read by the pool and relax on the porch and just be with family, but by this year they were getting taken advantage of. B (21yo) had a baby, now 2 years old. A (23yo) is engaged and brags about being a bridezilla. G’s stepson (30) came with his wife, 3-children and 2-dogs and drop them all off at the cottage and disappear for the day (B would drop her son off quick too!), leaving mom and dad to babysit and, even after mom told them no dogs this year, dogsit. The dogs were the only problem mom and dad had with G’s stepson (this year they urinated all over the porch and dug-up the garden); this is important.
My parents invited my boyfriend and I (we’re both in our early 30’s) for the camping week. We were going to drive the 12+ hours, but my parents got us plane tickets. We got in Friday and visited family Friday and Saturday before camp. All the family has met my boyfriend. He is quiet and likes to sit and listen, but also has good stories ready to go. He’s not a big drinker. During the trip he and my Dad had a good time just sitting around the cottage talking, or he and I did all the camp activities that neither A nor B wanted to do with us. I also liked the time I spent talking with Mom. So it turned-into Mom, Dad, me and my boyfriend spent the most time together, with my Sister G and her husband along some of the time, and A, B and G’s stepson and family doing their own things. I just wanted to spend time with the family and explore the lake. I’m also not a big drinker because of my medication, so I always declined when A invited me to come get ‘plastered.’
I don’t want to say that B is negligent with her son (he’s adorable!), but he is VERY strong-willed and very clever and it’s easier for her to ignore him or give in to him rather than discipline him. B was always great with kids as a teen and the sweetest person you would ever meet, which is why her transformation this summer surprised me. B is married to a man in the military who legally adopted her son. He recently returned from a tour and was told he would be home for at least a year, so B and him decided to have another baby. But now B, at 2-months pregnant, learned that her husband is being deployed again and will not be home for the birth. She and him live a state away from G and mom and dad and is considering moving back for the birth now. This made her very depressed during the camping trip and she complained about how the service could not do this to him, they promised him a year, etc. I was in the military, my boyfriend has family in the military. We sympathized with her but agreed with G and her husband and stepson who had already told her that it’s hard, but the military can change their minds no matter what they promised you, and it’s what you sign-up for if you join. B took this as my boyfriend and I being ‘anti-military’ and began stewing about it though I had no clue until several days later when G’s stepson’s wife turned cold to us because apparently B had told her that we did not support the military; G’s stepson was fine with us, he understood what we meant. And so that conversation was the catalyst for B directing all her anger at us during the camping trip, since we were the ‘newest’ invitees and in her mind should not have the same rights and considerations as her since she had been ‘coming the longest.’ A supported B in all her complaining, which made it worse.
B had already been scolded by her parents, and mom and dad, for leaving her son behind with them without saying where she was going, letting him wander into the road around the campground without supervision, and letting him cry all night. At her house her technique is if he wakes-up crying, she ignores him until he falls asleep again. This sometimes took more than ½ hour. At the camp, however, she was sharing a bedroom with her parents and my boyfriend and I. Her son would wake-up 3-5 times in the night, waking us all up too. Her parents complained to her to take him into the living room until he calmed-down, but she blamed my boyfriend and I for the scolding. Her and A’s argument was ‘babies cry.’ We informed her that yes, babies cry, and it’s the job of the parents to comfort them and keep them from disturbing others. She then accused us of ‘picking’ on her son. Several times she would be on her phone on the porch of the cottage and her son would wander into the road between us and the playground. However cars would be coming too and from campsites and there was her son toddling around holding up traffic. We’d all shout to her ‘OMG he’s in the road!’ and run out to him, while she sat and rolled her eyes at us, then SCOLDED us because in her words ‘If you give him attention he’s going to keep doing it.’ This wasn’t giving her son attention, it was keeping him from getting run over! By this time mom and dad and B’s parents had both given her a talking to about her attitude and that she was going to have to stop taking her frustration about her husband leaving out on everyone and either comfort her child or sleep in the living room with him, and if she didn’t shape-up she could go home. The final straw for her was when her son got a hold of a bag of gummy bears. I walked out of the bathroom and stepped on a floor full of gummies. I picked-them all up and found B outside with her son. I said ‘Just so you know, (your son) spilled his gummies all over the floor, I picked them up but….’ And she started SCREAMING at me. She screamed about how I was a ‘f-ing ice cold b*tch’ and just because I ‘hate children’ she wouldn’t stand for me ‘abusing’ her son and how she didn’t know why I was invited here anyway when I should know I wasn’t welcome and that both myself and my boyfriend were antisocial and nobody liked us being there anyway. My mom was sitting there and was SHOCKED by B. She told B to be quiet right now and that this was the camp that she had paid for and that my boyfriend and I were her guests and if B didn’t like it she could leave. B continued to throw a fit about how I was doing nothing but singling her out and that I didn’t want to do anything with any of them because I hated their children and how we had spoken badly about the military (which is how we found out about what we ‘supposedly’ said) and she had told G’s stepson’s family how much we hated the military (that explained a lot!) I flat-out told B that we had said nothing of the sort about the military; why would I hate it when I had been in it!? I tried to explain that it was not her child we had issues with, but the fact that she took it for granted that the camp should revolve around him and her and that we were not used to being around kids. I stopped trying to make a point when mom asked that we stop arguing, but B countered not to speak to her ‘like an F-ing child, that she was not 12 anymore that that I had to respect her, and continued to be outraged that we wouldn’t join them to drink (she should not have been drinking anyway, as she is not only pregnant but on the same medication that I am) and that they all hated my boyfriend. She continued to call me things that would make a sailor blush until mom told her that she would NOT have anyone speak to her daughter like that, and that B could pack up her and her son’s things and get out of the cottage now. B went on a rampage of packing, at which point A arrived to add fuel to the fire and spread to the G’s stepson’s family that not only were we kicking B and herself out of the cottage (they ended-up staying in G’s stepson’s camper and a small tent), but that we hated their dogs and that their kids were no longer welcome! Mom and dad straightened that out with G’s stepson the next day, but it made everything very uncomfortable as every time A and B would pass the cottage with the kids they’d say very loudly “no no, Nana and Papa don’t want you in there anymore!” My sister G and her husband agreed completely with mom, dad and myself and said that this is a lesson B had to learn and they were sorry this happened and that it didn’t change our relationship at all. My boyfriend and dad came back several minutes later and were shocked at what happened.
I understand B was upset about her husband’s upcoming departure, but she made every situation worse because ‘she is an adult’ and saw any advice as criticism. She called her husband a few days before camp ended and made him drive from the next state to come pick her up. By time we left camp, I’d received a lovely email from B and was blocked from her facebook, however A left me on and I was able to read the things she was writing about me and how B had been persecuted, so I just went ahead and blocked them both so I wouldn’t have to read about any more. This is the note she sent:
“*UCK U You have become DEAD to me, you choose to run your mouth about thing you know nothing about. I forgive you for you ignorance, and I sincerely hope that one day you choose to grow up and live amongst the rest of the real world. Pull the silver spoon out of your ass. Fyi No one liked you due to the way you treat people and your lack of common sense. I am sad for u that you had to move all the way to (state) just to find fantasy mythical fake friends. Enjoy the rest of your sad pathetic life
Sincerely Unknown”
(I moved out of state with my boyfriend and we’re both active in medieval reenactments)
I don’t know if B will ever snap out of her attitude, and there’s probably nothing I can do to win her back if she’s determined to be a martyr. I have nothing to apologize for, but it bothers me that she has so much hate in her now that she’s cut me out of her life. We’ve all agreed that she’s just alienated a lot of family and she’s going to be very lonely when she has this 2nd baby.
Every summer for the past 7 years my parents (in their 60’s) have rented a cottage at a campground in New England. It started out with just them, then my oldest sister G and 2nd oldest (T) joined-in for the next few years along with their daughters (G’s daughter B, and T’s daughter A), and sometimes their boyfriends at the time. Every so often G’s stepson would have time-off from the military to come with his family, though he set-up in a campsite nearby. T got herself booted by the rest of the family after a few years, but A was still welcome. The camp offers lots of activities along with swimming, boating, hiking, etc. but all that the family my parents invited really like to do is drink around the campfire at night. My parents like to read by the pool and relax on the porch and just be with family, but by this year they were getting taken advantage of. B (21yo) had a baby, now 2 years old. A (23yo) is engaged and brags about being a bridezilla. G’s stepson (30) came with his wife, 3-children and 2-dogs and drop them all off at the cottage and disappear for the day (B would drop her son off quick too!), leaving mom and dad to babysit and, even after mom told them no dogs this year, dogsit. The dogs were the only problem mom and dad had with G’s stepson (this year they urinated all over the porch and dug-up the garden); this is important.
My parents invited my boyfriend and I (we’re both in our early 30’s) for the camping week. We were going to drive the 12+ hours, but my parents got us plane tickets. We got in Friday and visited family Friday and Saturday before camp. All the family has met my boyfriend. He is quiet and likes to sit and listen, but also has good stories ready to go. He’s not a big drinker. During the trip he and my Dad had a good time just sitting around the cottage talking, or he and I did all the camp activities that neither A nor B wanted to do with us. I also liked the time I spent talking with Mom. So it turned-into Mom, Dad, me and my boyfriend spent the most time together, with my Sister G and her husband along some of the time, and A, B and G’s stepson and family doing their own things. I just wanted to spend time with the family and explore the lake. I’m also not a big drinker because of my medication, so I always declined when A invited me to come get ‘plastered.’
I don’t want to say that B is negligent with her son (he’s adorable!), but he is VERY strong-willed and very clever and it’s easier for her to ignore him or give in to him rather than discipline him. B was always great with kids as a teen and the sweetest person you would ever meet, which is why her transformation this summer surprised me. B is married to a man in the military who legally adopted her son. He recently returned from a tour and was told he would be home for at least a year, so B and him decided to have another baby. But now B, at 2-months pregnant, learned that her husband is being deployed again and will not be home for the birth. She and him live a state away from G and mom and dad and is considering moving back for the birth now. This made her very depressed during the camping trip and she complained about how the service could not do this to him, they promised him a year, etc. I was in the military, my boyfriend has family in the military. We sympathized with her but agreed with G and her husband and stepson who had already told her that it’s hard, but the military can change their minds no matter what they promised you, and it’s what you sign-up for if you join. B took this as my boyfriend and I being ‘anti-military’ and began stewing about it though I had no clue until several days later when G’s stepson’s wife turned cold to us because apparently B had told her that we did not support the military; G’s stepson was fine with us, he understood what we meant. And so that conversation was the catalyst for B directing all her anger at us during the camping trip, since we were the ‘newest’ invitees and in her mind should not have the same rights and considerations as her since she had been ‘coming the longest.’ A supported B in all her complaining, which made it worse.
B had already been scolded by her parents, and mom and dad, for leaving her son behind with them without saying where she was going, letting him wander into the road around the campground without supervision, and letting him cry all night. At her house her technique is if he wakes-up crying, she ignores him until he falls asleep again. This sometimes took more than ½ hour. At the camp, however, she was sharing a bedroom with her parents and my boyfriend and I. Her son would wake-up 3-5 times in the night, waking us all up too. Her parents complained to her to take him into the living room until he calmed-down, but she blamed my boyfriend and I for the scolding. Her and A’s argument was ‘babies cry.’ We informed her that yes, babies cry, and it’s the job of the parents to comfort them and keep them from disturbing others. She then accused us of ‘picking’ on her son. Several times she would be on her phone on the porch of the cottage and her son would wander into the road between us and the playground. However cars would be coming too and from campsites and there was her son toddling around holding up traffic. We’d all shout to her ‘OMG he’s in the road!’ and run out to him, while she sat and rolled her eyes at us, then SCOLDED us because in her words ‘If you give him attention he’s going to keep doing it.’ This wasn’t giving her son attention, it was keeping him from getting run over! By this time mom and dad and B’s parents had both given her a talking to about her attitude and that she was going to have to stop taking her frustration about her husband leaving out on everyone and either comfort her child or sleep in the living room with him, and if she didn’t shape-up she could go home. The final straw for her was when her son got a hold of a bag of gummy bears. I walked out of the bathroom and stepped on a floor full of gummies. I picked-them all up and found B outside with her son. I said ‘Just so you know, (your son) spilled his gummies all over the floor, I picked them up but….’ And she started SCREAMING at me. She screamed about how I was a ‘f-ing ice cold b*tch’ and just because I ‘hate children’ she wouldn’t stand for me ‘abusing’ her son and how she didn’t know why I was invited here anyway when I should know I wasn’t welcome and that both myself and my boyfriend were antisocial and nobody liked us being there anyway. My mom was sitting there and was SHOCKED by B. She told B to be quiet right now and that this was the camp that she had paid for and that my boyfriend and I were her guests and if B didn’t like it she could leave. B continued to throw a fit about how I was doing nothing but singling her out and that I didn’t want to do anything with any of them because I hated their children and how we had spoken badly about the military (which is how we found out about what we ‘supposedly’ said) and she had told G’s stepson’s family how much we hated the military (that explained a lot!) I flat-out told B that we had said nothing of the sort about the military; why would I hate it when I had been in it!? I tried to explain that it was not her child we had issues with, but the fact that she took it for granted that the camp should revolve around him and her and that we were not used to being around kids. I stopped trying to make a point when mom asked that we stop arguing, but B countered not to speak to her ‘like an F-ing child, that she was not 12 anymore that that I had to respect her, and continued to be outraged that we wouldn’t join them to drink (she should not have been drinking anyway, as she is not only pregnant but on the same medication that I am) and that they all hated my boyfriend. She continued to call me things that would make a sailor blush until mom told her that she would NOT have anyone speak to her daughter like that, and that B could pack up her and her son’s things and get out of the cottage now. B went on a rampage of packing, at which point A arrived to add fuel to the fire and spread to the G’s stepson’s family that not only were we kicking B and herself out of the cottage (they ended-up staying in G’s stepson’s camper and a small tent), but that we hated their dogs and that their kids were no longer welcome! Mom and dad straightened that out with G’s stepson the next day, but it made everything very uncomfortable as every time A and B would pass the cottage with the kids they’d say very loudly “no no, Nana and Papa don’t want you in there anymore!” My sister G and her husband agreed completely with mom, dad and myself and said that this is a lesson B had to learn and they were sorry this happened and that it didn’t change our relationship at all. My boyfriend and dad came back several minutes later and were shocked at what happened.
I understand B was upset about her husband’s upcoming departure, but she made every situation worse because ‘she is an adult’ and saw any advice as criticism. She called her husband a few days before camp ended and made him drive from the next state to come pick her up. By time we left camp, I’d received a lovely email from B and was blocked from her facebook, however A left me on and I was able to read the things she was writing about me and how B had been persecuted, so I just went ahead and blocked them both so I wouldn’t have to read about any more. This is the note she sent:
“*UCK U You have become DEAD to me, you choose to run your mouth about thing you know nothing about. I forgive you for you ignorance, and I sincerely hope that one day you choose to grow up and live amongst the rest of the real world. Pull the silver spoon out of your ass. Fyi No one liked you due to the way you treat people and your lack of common sense. I am sad for u that you had to move all the way to (state) just to find fantasy mythical fake friends. Enjoy the rest of your sad pathetic life
Sincerely Unknown”
(I moved out of state with my boyfriend and we’re both active in medieval reenactments)
I don’t know if B will ever snap out of her attitude, and there’s probably nothing I can do to win her back if she’s determined to be a martyr. I have nothing to apologize for, but it bothers me that she has so much hate in her now that she’s cut me out of her life. We’ve all agreed that she’s just alienated a lot of family and she’s going to be very lonely when she has this 2nd baby.
One generation of that nonsense is quite enough (if not too much already).
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