Has It Really Been Ten Years?

[Jester]

10 years ago today I met the only woman I've ever proposed to, and amazingly, she said yes. It didn't work out, much to my regret, but I have never forgotten her intelligence, wit, humor, and beauty, and I think of her often. Some might say too often, but that is their opinion, not mine. In any case, tonight, as I look back on that fateful Wednesday at the Green Parrot (thanks for that phone call, Jane!), I open a bottle of Marques de Caceres Crianza in her honor. And Melanie, wherever you are, I hope you are happy and where you want to be in your life.

Your Lizard, Your Magic Man, Your King of All Idiots Who Rules by Divine Right.

[MoonCat]

Here's to love. May you find it, embrace it, live with it...with the right person, of course!

[Food Lady]

I still have a place in my heart for my first love. Always.

[Jester]

Melanie was not my first love. And to her credit, she knew this and didn't care. But she was, and sadly still is, my....well, there really are no words for it. Best love? Most amazing love? Only true relationship? Only fiance?

I'm wrong. There are words for it, and I've used them before. And so I shall use them again, tonight.

She was the woman that made me feel like, instead of Jester Boy, the Man Who Was King. And trust me when I say that, while I revel in my role of The Jester, the difference between the two are as staggering as the difference between throwing a toy basketball at your sibling in the pool and dunking a basketball on Michael Jordan.

I am 5'8", and this woman made me feel 8 feet tall.

I am the Jester, and always have been, and always will be. I wouldn't trade it for all the world. But she is the woman that made me the Jester King.

Hail to the King, baby.

[kansasgal]

Sometimes, even when it doesn't end like we want, the memory of love keeps us going. I'm glad you had that time, and have this memory.

[Gizmo]

*hugs*

Tomorrow is my 10 year 'meeting' anniversary with the hubby actually! It's been an interesting 10 years but I wouldn't do it any, ok, much different.

[Amina516]

Jester, you sir, are awesome.

Not too many people would toast their long lost love.

[MoonCat]

Look at it this way. Because you had this amazing experience, when it happens again, you'll recognize it for what it is. I hope it happens for you again.

[Jester]

Jester, you sir, are awesome.

Not too many people would toast their long lost love.

Maybe it's me, but I really don't see why I wouldn't. She was the most awesome woman I've had the privilege of being romantically involved with, and if you've been paying attention over the years, you have noticed that I've never spoken of her bitterly or with malice. Confusion? Lack of understanding? Angst? Sure. Bitterness, not at all. To this day I don't know why she did what she did, but I know she felt it was the right thing, the only thing, for her to do. She dumped me because she felt she had to. WHY she felt that, I have never known, nor do I expect to ever know.

Sure, I could be a bitter jaded shithole and dog her for it, putting her down. But to what purpose? She didn't do anything wrong, she just didn't stay with me. Big fucking deal. Not the first, not the last. I speak bitterly only of those women who have actually done me wrong, who in this thread don't even deserve to be singled out or mentioned by my usual nom de plumes for them. They deserve the scorn and contempt I heap upon them.

Melanie did nothing to earn anything like that, and so I give her what she is due: praise, adoration, and love. Was she perfect? No. But while you may be right that not many people would speak so highly of an ex, I honestly don't know why I wouldn't.

Look at it this way. Because you had this amazing experience, when it happens again, you'll recognize it for what it is. I hope it happens for you again.

I hope so too. Though to be honest, I don't expect it to. I've actually resigned myself to living out my life as a single guy, and while that sounds sad, I am not depressed about it. It is simply the way things will probably be. Shit happens. I'm fine with it. I have a fantastic niece who I am devoting all my energies to, to make sure that her life is better than mine was. After all, that is what parents DO. And so for her I shall. And to be honest, that is good for her, as my life, overall, has been pretty damn incredible, and I have no intention or desire to slow down or change that.

Now, if someone does come along and blow my mind and change my life, well, fantastic! I'd love it! There is, in fact, a girl I am somewhat pursuing at the moment, who I think (but am not sure) reciprocates my interest. But if it turns out I'm wrong, and she just likes hanging out with me as a friend? I'm fine with that, too.

Yesterday was cathartic, a bit melancholy, but not in any way depressing. I shed some tears, drank some wine, drank some more wine, drank even more wine, and toasted Mel and what we had. And I was not being disingenuous when I said I wished her well. Honestly, wherever she is, I hope she is happy and is enjoying life twice as much as I am. I wish nothing but the best for her, and the worst for those who would prevent her from having that.

I still love her, yes. I always will. But I've moved on. Well, as much as one ever can from such a thing. And I'm happy with my life. Yesterday was merely a nod to that which was, a salute to what fell, and an exorcising of the fractional pieces of the demons that remain.

So, will I recognize something like this if it comes my way again? Maybe. I'm a guy. By my own definition, that means I'm stupid, and by my own experience, I know I can be very oblivious to such things. So maybe I will, maybe I won't. Either way, it doesn't matter. I briefly looked back, but in my life, I am moving forward.

And that, my friends, is one of the secrets to happiness.

[Amina516]

To this day I don't know why she did what she did, but I know she felt it was the right thing, the only thing, for her to do. She dumped me because she felt she had to. WHY she felt that, I have never known, nor do I expect to ever know.

Honestly, wherever she is, I hope she is happy and is enjoying life twice as much as I am. I wish nothing but the best for her, and the worst for those who would prevent her from having that.

And that, my friends, is one of the secrets to happiness

And THAT is why you are awesome. I cant say that I wouldnt be bitter. I tend to hold a grudge (trying to work on that) Maybe id come to that realization after a looong while, but I still think after 10 years Id be unable to dwell on it without negative emotion welling up.

Youre a brave man.

[Jester]

You may have misunderstood me. I never said I can dwell on it without negative emotion coming up. That happens a lot. And there is bitterness, certainly. Perhaps I misspoke when I said there wasn't. But my bitterness is towards the situation, and what happened, NOT towards her. Because, as I said, she did what she felt she needed to do. And I knew that, even then.

And speaking of "even then," while I knew at the time that she was doing what she felt she needed to do, I was still very upset, very negative, and very unpleasant to be around. How unpleasant? Try a 16 day drinking binge unpleasant. And not my usual drinking of going out, having fun, and enjoying the company of those around me and the drinks I was consuming. No, this was 16 days of drinking to get drunk, being most toxic for those friends who did hang with me, and actually not even eating for the first three days, not to prove a point or to do anything, but simply because I saw no point in eating, no joy. And honestly, I wasn't hungry. *shrug*

I didn't blow off work, but I did give up plenty of shift, and I was pretty far out on the deep end. It's a bloody miracle I didn't kill anyone. Luckily for stupid tourists, none of them anything stupid to me during this period, as I would have certainly taken their head off. And not necessarily just metaphorically. But one of my acquaintances made the mistake of telling me that "drinking doesn't help." To which I replied, sure it did. It helped because it was keeping me from KILLING innocent people. And honestly, it was. Because if I had dealt with that raw emotion churning within me without getting tanked, I would have almost definitely done some harm to myself or someone else, and I mean some serious harm.

So I may not be all that you are cracking me up to be. Hell, it took me years before I could get through the anniversary of the breakup without going off the deep end. The last two years, I was kinda pleased to realize after the fact that I had missed that anniversary and not even realized what day it was on that date.

And I DO hold grudges. Hell, I'm notorious for it. But what am I going to hold a grudge against? The FACT that she dumped me? The SITUATION? Sure, I could probably hold a grudge against her...but why? She did nothing wrong. Not in her eyes, and to be honest, not even in my mine. Would I have liked her to stay with me? Dumb question. Of course I would have. But it was not right for her, and had I really examined our relationship leading up to the breakup, I would have seen it. There were certainly signs.

You laud me for being so chill about this, but a lot of people, many of them my good friends, think that I have spent far too MUCH time reflecting on this, and that I should shut my pie hole and move on with my life. I'm not sure that they're wrong, to be honest. Ten years is a long fucking time.