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  • The Latest Batch of Idiots

    Stop Trying to Kill Yourself Using My Truck!

    This is the last time I'm posting about this, but I swear this drives me crazy. Why do so many fucking people insist on crossing against the red light at busy intersections? I can understand it at minor intersections, sure, or on non-busy streets. But seriously? At some of the busiest intersections in town? While there is a lot of traffic going on? Seriously people, stop. I am sick of testing my brakes because you are trying to become my newest hood ornament.

    See the Palm Trees? That Means This Isn't Europe!

    Two Euro girls walk up to my bar. They order drinks. I ask for ID. One has proper ID. And one...doesn't. She has a national ID card from her home country. I politely explain to her that I will need either a driver's license or a passport in order to serve her. Commence the arguing.

    EURO GIRL: "But I don't have a driver's license."
    JESTER: "I can take a passport."
    EURO GIRL: "I don't have my passport with me."
    JESTER: "I'm sorry, but Florida law says I can only take a driver's license or a passport for alcohol purchases."
    EURO GIRL: "But this is a good ID in my country."
    Yes, yes it is. But you're not IN your country right now, are you Petra? You're here in America, and we might just have somewhat different laws than back home in Gofuckyourselfislavia.
    JESTER: "I'm sure it is, but here in Florida the law is very strict on what IDs I can accept."
    EURO GIRL: "But we've been served here before."
    JESTER: "Ma'am, I can't comment on what has or hasn't happened here before. I can only do my job, and at the moment that means I can't serve you alcohol, as you don't have the ID that the law requires you to have for me to serve you."
    EURO GIRL: "What do you do for tourists?"
    JESTER: "Ask them for their driver's license or passport."
    EURO GIRL: "And when they don't have them?"
    JESTER: "As I told you, I can't serve them."
    EURO GIRL: "So you just turn away tourists, then?"
    JESTER: "If they don't have a driver's license or passport, then by law, that is all I can do."
    EURO GIRL: "So what am I supposed to do?"
    Oh, the possibilities of what I could have said here....so damn tempting!
    JESTER: "That's completely up to you, ma'am, but I can't serve you alcohol without proper ID."

    I'd like to say this was an isolated incident. I'd also like to say I'm 6'4" and a secret agent with girls in every port. In both cases, I'd be lying through my teeth.

    Please Go Back to Anchorage

    Meet Dave. Dave is from Alaska. Dave is here on vacation. Dave has a coupon for a buy one get one free. Dave has a beer. Dave has a second beer. Dave proffers the coupon, and pays for the one beer he is on the hook for, a whopping four dollars for two beers. Even in Alaska, I would imagine that is a pretty good deal. For his four dollar purchase, Dave uses a credit card. After running the credit card, the good bartender notices that Dave is about to leave the bar with the bottle of beer. The good bartender suggests to Dave that he take a plastic cup for the beer, so as to avoid running afoul of the local law enforcement officers. Dave wonders why? Isn't this island a drinking town? Why yes, yes it is, says the good bartender. But even in this drinking town, it is illegal to walk around with open containers, but as long as you have your drinks in plastic cups, and aren't being a douchemuffin, the local law enforcement officials find that they have better things to do than bust your dumb ass. Dave continues to protest. The good bartender advises Dave that he can't force Dave to take a plastic cup, but was merely suggesting it for Dave's benefit, as walking around with a bottle of beer is a good way to receive a large ticket from one of the local law enforcement officials. Dave swills the rest of the bottle down, and leaves. The good bartender notices that Dave, who received two beers for four bucks, along with some good advice about the local customs, filled in the credit slip with a whopping tip of thirty cents.

    Fuck Dave.

    Let Me Guess: This is Your First Bar?

    The bar isn't busy, and an older gentleman walks up. I happen to be standing right in the center of the bar, directly in front of 12 clearly visible beer taps.

    OG: "Do you have beer here?"
    JESTER: "No. No we don't."

    And...he started to walk off.

    JESTER: "Sir, I was kidding. Of course we have beer here!"

    It's a bar. A FULL bar. A bar with beer taps directly behind the bartender you were just talking to. In your sixty years, sir, have you ever been to a bar that DIDN'T have beer? More importantly, have you ever been to a bar that had beer taps that didn't have beer?

    Some People Really Are This Stupid


    What I love about my job is that I don't have to make this stuff up. As a bartender in a tourist town, we get some highly amusing shit. Like this one girl who was sitting at my bar....

    BRUNETTE: "Where do you guys go if you're sick or there's an emergency?"
    JESTER: "Excuse me?"
    BRUNETTE: "Well I heard that the hospital was really far away."
    JESTER: "Well, it is on the next Key up, but that's only about four miles. Not really all that far. Why?"
    BRUNETTE: "This guy we were talking to said that the hospital was really far away, and that if something happened, you'd be better off going to the vet."
    JESTER: ...
    BRUNETTE: "Is that true? Do you guys have to go to the vet?"
    JESTER: "....Ma'am....if we're sick, we go to the regular doctor, or if it's an emergency, we go to the hospital, which as I said, isn't that far away. We do not go to the vet."
    BRUNETTE: "Well, that's what this one guy told us."
    JESTER: "Well, either he was yanking your chain, he was full of shit, or he was on drugs. Take your pick."

    Yes. The vet. Riiiiiiight.

    Our Dishwasher Thanks You

    Whoever you are, our sweet Haitian dishwasher lady would like to thank you for the extra work. Yes, you, the person or persons who decided that it would perfectly appropriate to go into our lady's room and make a shitty mess.

    And yes, my words were chosen very specifically, and not because of my love of profanity. Apparently the stall in the women's bathroom was, according to the customer who brought it to my attention, "overflowing in shit." I did not see it myself, so I can't provide exact details, but it didn't sound all that pleasant.

    And our dishwasher didn't seem too happy.

    A True Fan

    As many bars do, we post the times and teams that will be playing the Sunday NFL games, and we do so several days in advance, not only because it's easier to figure it out before game day, but so that customers can figure out ahead of time where they're preferred team's game will be shown, and thus where they will attempt to get a seat. This is standard practice, and nothing new in the world.

    A girl heading to the bathroom yesterday (Friday) stopped dead in her tracks, looked at the one tv in front of her, turned to me and said, "Wow...do the Falcons really play at one o'clock today?"

    Clearly this woman follows the NFL religiously.

    Nooners

    And the winners of my latest "Biggest Idiots I've Dealt With Lately" Award are these two numbskulls.

    Two guys stroll into my bar. They weren't bums per se, but those sketchy guys who are clearly just one missed odd job (or burglary) away from being homeless bums themselves. I call them scumbags.

    So these scumbags stroll into the bar around noon, an older guy and a younger guy. The younger guy has to be told by my manager to put his shirt on. So he's off to a great start. He puts his shirt on and heads to the bathroom, while the older scumbag sits down at the bar. After greeting him and determining that he wants a beer, but doesn't know what kind, I give him a beer menu. (We have those. Kinda cool, huh?) He decides to take his time with it.

    I go deal with other customers, and when I come back, the younger scumbag is back from his (lengthy) foray into the depths of our men's room. I can say that his eyes are almost as closed as mine (not usually the norm), and that he's, to put it politely, "listing to port." In actuality, his head was almost on the bar. Not a good sign.

    OLDER SCUMBAG: "I'll have a Vero."
    JESTER: "A what?"
    OLDER SCUMBAG: "A Vero."
    JESTER: "Not sure what you mean, sir."
    OLDER SCUMBAG: (pointing to one of the beers on the menu) "This one."
    JESTER: "Oh, a Mile Marker ZERO."
    OLDER SCUMBAG: "That's what I said."
    No. No, it's not.
    JESTER: (to Younger Scumbag, having already determined from his demeanor and slurred speech while talking to Older Scumbag that I am NOT serving him alcohol) "And for you, sir?"
    YOUNGER SCUMBAG: "Ah'll have uh Toashted Lugger."
    JESTER: "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't serve you alcohol."
    YOUNGER SCUMBAG: "Whut? Whey nut?"
    JESTER: "Because, in my opinion, you are too inebriated for me to serve you. Would you like a soda?"
    YOUNGER SCUMBAG: "Whuddya mean, I'm too innibbriated? YOU'RE slurring your words!"
    JESTER: "That well may be, sir (it wasn't), but I still can't serve you."
    YOUNGER SCUMBAG: "Well that's stoopid."
    JESTER: "Are you arguing with me?"
    YOUNGER SCUMBAG: "No, I jus wanna beer."
    JESTER: "Well, I'm sorry sir, but that's not going to happen."
    YOUNGER SCUMBAG: (attempting to use logic) "Well then whey did ya put a beer menu in frunt of me?"
    JESTER: "I didn't. I put it in front of him."

    Faced with logic superior to his own, the Younger Scumbag had no more ammunition in his already rather thin supply. So he and Older Scumbag (thankfully) got up and left. On their way out, my manager overheard one say to the other, "That's three."

    As in, we were the third bar to refuse to serve them that day.

    The time was 12:08 pm.

    Congratulations, morons, you've been turned away at THREE bars by NOON! And by doing so, you have won my Biggest Idiots Award. Well done!

    And by the way, arguing with a bartender when they've determined not to serve you is about as effective as arguing with a judge, a cop, or a bouncer; you're not going to win the argument. Unfortunately, we can't throw you in jail or out the door as the others can. Pity.

    "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
    Still A Customer."


  • #2
    Quoth Jester View Post
    OG: "Do you have beer here?"
    I wish I was joking, but I have had to answer a simple "yes" to people who have managed to come to the courthouse, go through security, walk thirty feet to the room marked "COURTROOM", and ask if they are in the right place to take care of the ticket that told them to come to this address and this room.
    Last edited by Dave1982; 12-15-2012, 11:07 PM. Reason: removed extra format tag
    "Ignorance is no excuse for a law."
    .................................................. ..................- Alfred E. Newman

    Comment


    • #3
      Quoth Jester View Post
      Stop Trying to Kill Yourself Using My Truck!
      ... Seriously people, stop. I am sick of testing my brakes because you are trying to become my newest hood ornament.
      Too bad the law (and simple decency) won't allow you to replace your front bumper with a pair of long chainsaws. ... with the saws synchronized to your Tropical Ghetto In Florida sound system playing this: Lumberjack
      I am not an a**hole. I am a hemorrhoid. I irritate a**holes!
      Procrastination: Forward planning to insure there is something to do tomorrow.
      Derails threads faster than a pocket nuke.

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth dalesys View Post
        Too bad the law (and simple decency) won't allow you to replace your front bumper with a pair of long chainsaws.
        I found this...but it's illegal to drive with the sawblades deployed.

        Comment


        • #5
          Sadly, it's not all that unusual for some people to be drunk at noon. We just had a very horrible crash happen here about a week ago. The driver was drunk. AT 9 IN THE MORNING.
          When you start at zero, everything's progress.

          Comment


          • #6
            Quoth Jester View Post
            Let Me Guess: This is Your First Bar?

            The bar isn't busy, and an older gentleman walks up. I happen to be standing right in the center of the bar, directly in front of 12 clearly visible beer taps.

            OG: "Do you have beer here?"
            JESTER: "No. No we don't."

            And...he started to walk off.

            JESTER: "Sir, I was kidding. Of course we have beer here!"

            It's a bar. A FULL bar. A bar with beer taps directly behind the bartender you were just talking to. In your sixty years, sir, have you ever been to a bar that DIDN'T have beer? More importantly, have you ever been to a bar that had beer taps that didn't have beer?

            Slim Dusty wrote a song about that: The Pub With No Beer.
            Seshat's self-help guide:
            1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
            2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
            3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
            4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

            "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth Jester View Post
              Stop Trying to Kill Yourself Using My Truck!

              This is the last time I'm posting about this, but I swear this drives me crazy. Why do so many fucking people insist on crossing against the red light at busy intersections? I can understand it at minor intersections, sure, or on non-busy streets. But seriously? At some of the busiest intersections in town? While there is a lot of traffic going on? Seriously people, stop. I am sick of testing my brakes because you are trying to become my newest hood ornament.

              [B]See the Palm Trees? That Means This Isn't Europe!

              I don't know what it is with other drivers, but I apparently my truck is invisible. It's a bright red 4 wheel drive truck, and I ALWAYS have my headlights on (living in Oregon, where it's overcast from November to July), and people still insist on pulling out right in front of me.

              No comment specifically on the Palm Tree story, but when we were in Bakersfield, CA in November, the guy at the rental car counter was completely stunned that our trees really change color in the fall.
              That is so full of suck Dyson doesn't know how they did it - shankyknitter

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth Sonoma View Post
                I don't know what it is with other drivers, but I apparently my truck is invisible. It's a bright red 4 wheel drive truck, and I ALWAYS have my headlights on (living in Oregon, where it's overcast from November to July), and people still insist on pulling out right in front of me.

                No comment specifically on the Palm Tree story, but when we were in Bakersfield, CA in November, the guy at the rental car counter was completely stunned that our trees really change color in the fall.
                I often comment that some Klingon has snuck into my yard in the middle of the night, and put a stealth module into my truck without my knowledge. One that I myself..and those riding in my vehicle are not affected by, but somehow every other vehicle on the road is. It is the only possible explanation for how a huge black truck can not be seen in the middle of the blasted day.
                Engaged to the amazing Marmalady. She is my Silver Dragon, shining as bright as the sun. I her Black Dragon (though good honestly), dark as night..fierce and strong.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth Jester View Post
                  whopping four dollars for two beers. Even in Alaska, I would imagine that is a pretty good deal.
                  Given what I've seen of their food costs, I can imagine beer and liquor are pretty outrageous.


                  Quoth Jester View Post
                  Dave, who received two beers for four bucks, along with some good advice about the local customs, filled in the credit slip with a whopping tip of thirty cents.
                  (Heads up good tippers: Don't know how it is in Jester's circles, but amongst most of the servers I've known, it's considered proper etiquette to tip on what your bill would have been without whatever discount you are getting. May not hold true for Happy Hour type deals, but definitely with food ---the server's still bringing you forty dollars worth of stuff, even if you have a BOGO coupon or some such. And w/ the Happy Hour - hey, free booze! 'course, this has NOTHING to do with Dave. He's an arse.)


                  Quoth Jester View Post
                  Yes. The vet. Riiiiiiight.
                  Hey! Vets learn to take care of dozens of species of animals. Doctors only bother with one. I'd trust a vet. But seriously? 4-5 miles? I think my closest in Chicago was about 7, and there are plenty there. Maybe "mainlander" thinking: islands = remote and isolated?

                  Quoth Jester View Post
                  "Wow...do the Falcons really play at one o'clock today?"
                  Clearly this woman follows the NFL religiously.
                  I'm guessing in that conference that the bulk of the Falcs games were at 1pm? Maybe she was flirting with you Jester. "Hey! Howza 'bout that <Sports Team>?"


                  Quoth Jester View Post
                  And by the way, arguing with a bartender when they've determined not to serve you is about as effective as arguing with a judge, a cop, or a bouncer; you're not going to win the argument.
                  Another heads up, for those of you who drink. In nearly forty years of food industry (on and off), much of it in places with bars, I have NEVER ONCE seen the response to "You're cut off" be "Yeah, you're right, call me a cab would you please?" NEVER. (Maybe J. or others have.) So when we cut you off, we KNOW there's likely to be a confrontation, so we are SURE going in that we're gonna stick to our guns despite that.
                  Why?
                  Besides the fact that we don't want you hurting yourself or others, besides the fact that your drunk self ain't gonna out-logic us, just raising the point means we've made a judgement call about your level of intoxication and are aware of it, which heightens our liability through the roof. We just plain and simple can't claim "I didn't know he was drunk" after attempting to cut someone off.
                  Last edited by sms001; 12-16-2012, 10:21 AM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth dalesys View Post
                    Too bad the law (and simple decency) won't allow you to replace your front bumper with a pair of long chainsaws. ... with the saws synchronized to your Tropical Ghetto In Florida sound system playing this: Lumberjack
                    Not that I have such a sound system in my truck (I don't), but thanks for the blast from the past; I LOVE Jackal! Been too long since I've heard that song!

                    Quoth Seshat View Post
                    Slim Dusty wrote a song about that: The Pub With No Beer.
                    Hilarious!

                    Quoth sms001 View Post
                    Given what I've seen of their food costs, I can imagine beer and liquor are pretty outrageous.
                    All the more reason four bucks for two beers should have been a smoking deal to him.

                    Quoth sms001 View Post
                    Don't know how it is in Jester's circles, but amongst most of the servers I've known, it's considered proper etiquette to tip on what your bill would have been without whatever discount you are getting.
                    I gave up years ago on people actually tipping on the pre-discounted bill, but this guy didn't even tip worth a damn on this ACTUAL bill.

                    Quoth sms001 View Post
                    Hey! Vets learn to take care of dozens of species of animals. Doctors only bother with one. I'd trust a vet.
                    Yes, but I would doubt a vet would be willing or allowed legally to treat a human patient. Just a guess on that.

                    Quoth sms001 View Post
                    Maybe "mainlander" thinking: islands = remote and isolated?
                    Yes, but once you are told that the hospital is but 4 miles away, that theory should be easily discarded. If you continue to pursue the whole vet line of questioning, as this chick did, then you are just a blithering idiot. As, of course, she was.

                    Quoth sms001 View Post
                    I'm guessing in that conference that the bulk of the Falcs games were at 1pm? Maybe she was flirting with you Jester. "Hey! Howza 'bout that <Sports Team>?"
                    The Falcons usually play at 1, yes, but they almost always play at 1 on Sunday. Not Friday. Chick was an idiot.

                    And no, she was not flirting with me at all; she was merely going from the dining room to the restroom, passing through the bar as one must in my bar, and noticed the tv on her way. Basically, another blithering idiot.

                    Quoth sms001 View Post
                    I have NEVER ONCE seen the response to "You're cut off" be "Yeah, you're right, call me a cab would you please?" NEVER. (Maybe J. or others have.)
                    I actually have. Admittedly, it's a very rare event, and it usually (though not always) involves a regular at the bar who realizes they've had too much and that the bartender, who they know, is looking out for them. But I have even seen this a few times with tourists. Again, it's very rare, but I have seen it.

                    "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
                    Still A Customer."

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth Jester View Post
                      The Falcons usually play at 1, yes, but they almost always play at 1 on Sunday. Not Friday. Chick was an idiot.
                      lol. As am I. Your whole lead-in sentence to that para was about being posted in advance and it went right over my head.



                      Quoth Jester View Post
                      [re:Service Refusal]
                      Admittedly, it's a very rare event, and it usually (though not always) involves a regular at the bar who realizes they've had too much and that the bartender, who they know, is looking out for them.
                      Damn. Put in that context, I have seen it. We had a 'sleeper' that we'd send off once in a while with no ill will. Terry worked hard, and occasionally his few rounds would get the better of him and he'd seem MANY rounds drunk, or .... nap at the bar. Good guy.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Quoth Jester View Post
                        Hilarious!
                        (Re the song "the pub with no beer")

                        Because Australia (like Canada, Alaska, some of America) has some very isolated areas, occasionally a pub does run out of beer. Especially if there's some problem - usually weather related - hindering the trucks and trains.
                        Seshat's self-help guide:
                        1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                        2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                        3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                        4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                        "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth Jester View Post
                          once you are told that the hospital is but 4 miles away, that theory should be easily discarded. If you continue to pursue the whole vet line of questioning, as this chick did, then you are just a blithering idiot. As, of course, she was..
                          Speaking as someone who grew up fighting New York City traffic, I have to point out that there's a significant difference between "four miles away" and "four miles away at the other end of a two-lane bridge which is the only way to get off this island". Maybe you don't get traffic jams down there, but that kind of thing tends to make me a bit claustrophobic.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Quoth Mytical View Post
                            I often comment that some Klingon has snuck into my yard in the middle of the night, and put a stealth module into my truck without my knowledge. One that I myself..and those riding in my vehicle are not affected by, but somehow every other vehicle on the road is. It is the only possible explanation for how a huge black truck can not be seen in the middle of the blasted day.
                            Maybe instead of fire-engine red, I should paint my truck camo - maybe then people will see it.
                            That is so full of suck Dyson doesn't know how they did it - shankyknitter

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Quoth Mytical View Post
                              I often comment that some Klingon has snuck into my yard in the middle of the night, and put a stealth module into my truck without my knowledge. One that I myself..and those riding in my vehicle are not affected by, but somehow every other vehicle on the road is. It is the only possible explanation for how a huge black truck can not be seen in the middle of the blasted day.
                              I myself drive a huge black GMC Yukon that I have named "The Behemoth." I think I actually purchased a portable black hole, as nobody can ever see me, either.
                              Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.

                              Comment

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