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The True Fragrance Of Christmas
You may wish to put down anything you are eating before you proceed. ;p
Windmills Do Not Work That Way
SC: "Okay, I have two VISA gift cards here and I wanna use both of them. So split the order and put half of it on each."
Every fiber of my being tells me to hang up. Don't say anything further. Just pretend I can't hear him. But alas, I am contractually obligated.
Me: "I'm sorry sir, but we can't do that. We can only run one form of payment per order."
SC: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T DO THAT?! I WAS TOLD I COULD DO THAT BY A GUY THERE YESTERDAY! ARE YOU SAYING YOU LIED TO ME?!"
Ah yes, the ever fabled "Guy I Spoke WIth Yesterday". God that guy causes a lot of trouble. I swear if we ever figure out who that guy is he's so getting written up.
Me: "I don't know who you spoke with yesterday, but our system only allows us to run one credit card at a time per order. If you were ordering two different items I could run each item on a different card. But I can't split the price of one item onto two cards."
SC: "WHY NOT?! EVERYWHERE ELSE CAN! THIS IS BULLSHIT! I HAVE TO BUY THIS TODAY! IT''S 12/12/12! THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF WHY I RAN OUT TO GET THE GIFT CARDS WAS SO I COULD ORDER IT ON 12/12/12 SO IT WOULD BE A LUCKY TICKET!!"
Dammit, now "Everywhere Else" too. I bet we hired Guy I Spoke With Yesterday after he got fired from Everywhere Else. They run a terrible business over there. Its no wonder Guy I Spoke With Yesterday has no idea what he's doing.
Me: "Well, its impossible for me to do in the system. But you could contact customer service and see if they can run this manually for you."
SC: "NO! IF I CALL THEM IT WON'T BE DONE TODAY AND IT HAS TO BE DONE TODAY BECAUSE ITS 12/12/12! WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT?"
Me: "Sir, as I said, I can't process it that way in our system."
SC: "CAN'T OR WON'T?!"
Me: "Can't, sir, its impossible in our system."
SC: "IMPOSSIBLE OR YOU DON'T KNOW HOW?! ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT?!"
EVERYONE WHO TELLS ME NO IS A STUPID FACE. THE INFANTILE NEEDS OF MY TINY, RIGID PENIS SHOULD BE MET WITHOUT QUESTION.
Me: "Sir, I have already offered you a solution. Just contact customer service and ask if they can run the order manually for you."
SC: "THEN I WON'T GET IN FOR 12/12/12! WHY WOULD THE GUY YESTERDAY TELL ME I COULD DO THIS IF I CAN'T DO THIS! HE TOLD ME IF I DIDN'T HAVE A CREDIT CARD THEN I COULD JUST GO OUT AND GET A VISA GIFT CARD! SO I RAN OUT TO 7/11 AND GRABBED A COUPLE AND NOW YOU'RE SAYING I CAN'T DO IT THAT WAY?!!"
Me: "Its impossible to run two credit cards in our system on a single charge. I don't have a cash register here, sir. It's a computer script."
SC: "THEN WHY WOULD HE FUCKING SAY THAT?! HUH?! EITHER YOU'RE LYING OR YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!"
Me: "We can run a gift card, but we can't split a single charge onto two cards. He may have told you to go get a VISA gift card, but did he really tell you to get *two* of them?"
SC: ".........."
Me: ".........."
I'm guessing that's a no, then?
SC: "FINE I'M GOING TO CALL CUSTOMER SERVICE AND TELL THEM HOW FUCKING RUDE YOU WERE TO ME AND HOW YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO YOUR JOB! <click>"
By all means, sir! Feel free to tell them whatever you like about me. Its not like you weren't advised at the beginning of the call that this would be recorded for quality assurance purposes or anything.
Windmills Do Not Work That Way II
SC: "Yes, I want to place an order but I want to split it onto two different credit cards."
Me: "Sir, I just spoke with you. As I said, that is impossible in our system. You will have to call customer service and ask if they can do it manually for you."
SC: "YOU DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING GIVE ME THE NUMBER TO CUSTOMER SERVICE!!"
Me: "That's because you hung up on me, sir."
SC: "......."
Me: "......."
I'm going to assume whenever you go silent quiet that, that you're actually still moving your mouth in silent, incoherent rage.
SC: "WELL WHY WOULD THE OTHER GUY TELL EM I COULD DO THIS YESTERDAY?! I HAVE TO DO THIS TODAY ON 12/12/12!! OTHERWISE THERE'S NO POINT!!@$@ WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?! YOU'RE ALL RUDE AND NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!"
Me: "Sir, I cannot help you. Please call customer service."
SC: "YOU STUPID ASSHOLE! I HAVE TO DO THIS TODAY!! <click>"
Congradulations, sir! My coworkers are normally fairly use to my ramblings. But that is definately the first time any of them have ever heard me use the phrase "Tiny incoherent rage boner" or "The impenetrable hymen of reason" in the work place.
This Foe Beyond Any Of You
SC: "Uh, yeah, um, I'm on yer website trying to place an order."
Well, there's your problem. I thought we talked about this? Look, even placing an order over the phone is often a bitter, lengthy struggle for you guys. And thats just by COD. Nevermind attempting to comprehend a credit card ( I trust yours is currently lodged in your DVD drive ). So how about you just turn the computer off and back away slowly. If you can't figure out how to do that, just start yanking cords until nothing's glowing anymore. Then come back to the phone and we'll talk. Maybe get you a nice hat or some pants or something.
It's okay, I'm here to help.
SC: "I got into the, uh...cart? and ders this thing at the bottom that says "Note to US Customers", but, uh, I'm not in the US?"
Let me see if I have this straight: It says "Note to US Customers", you're not in the US, and now you're confused as to whether or not its talking to you? Okay, yeah, just...just leave the computer alone.
SC: "How do I change it to, like, Note To Canadian Customers?"
Easy! You go to the fuse box and start unscrewing things until you revert back to a level of technology you're actually capable of dealing with.
Why Is It So Hard?
Me: "And your name please, sir?"
SC: "Uh........"
Me: "........."
SC: ".....ummmm, hold on, k?"
Hold on? What? Why? There is no comprehensible reason for me to have to hold on while you try and figure out how to answer that question. At least none that don't begin with "Hello, I think I have a screwdriver lodged in my forehead. Is this 911? Send sheep.".
I Wonder Why
SC: "Hi! I was trying to place an order on your website and I got all the way to the payment part and there's no option for Amex. Just Visa, Mastercard and Discovery. I looked all around under your FAQ but no where does it say Amex."
Well, I could tell you, but you've already put so much effort into solving this dilemma and you're so close to an answer. It would be a shame to spoil the big secret now.
TELL ME
Me: "And the address please?"
SC: "It's <address and building name>"
Me: "Alright, is there a unit number?"
SC: "No."
Me: "Oh, alright, this is house then?"
SC: "No, its an apartment building."
Me: ".....Alright, so which apartment number are you in?"
SC: "No."
Me: "There's no apartment number?"
SC: "No."
Me: "What apartment are you in then?"
SC: "The bottom one"
Me: "Oh, so this is more like a townhouse then?"
SC: "No."
Me: "Is it like a suite then?"
SC: "No."
Me: "........"
SC: "........"
Me: ".....Alright, how do you identify which apartment you're in?"
SC: "It's apartment number 526"
Please don't take this the wrong way, sir, but I do very much hope you get punched in the neck at some point over the holidays.
We Lost Another One
Me: "Alright, and the credit card number please?"
SC: "It's 6....8.....it's.....it's so shiny."
Wait, no! Don't look at it! Stay with me Jimmy, stay with me!
Hah. No.
SC: "Will this arrive before Christmas?"
Lets see, you're ordering it on a Saturday night, 3 days before Christmas, and you've elected to ship it ground by the US Postal Service.
Oh yeah, totally. Don't worry about it.
Abort! Abort!
SC: "I'm trying to email your customer service center but its not going through."
Me: "Oh, alright. You're trying to send it too blahblah@blah.blah?"
SC: "Yes! But its not going through. I've been trying to send it for an hour now! Your email address is broken!"
Me: "Hmm, alright. Is it bouncing back to you?"
SC: "No, it won't even let me type anything in!"
DANGER WILL ROBINSON.
Me: "I'm sorry?"
SC: "It doesn't let me type in a message!"
Me: "Sorry, ma'am, but I'm afraid I can't help you with your email program."
SC: "It's not my email! Its YOUR email thats broken!"
Have you ever had a customer that obviously has some sort of fundementally stupid problem with their computer, and you know you could fix it, but fixing it isn't your job. So you have to somehow extract yourself from the conversation without letting on that you know what the problem is or how to fix it?
Yeah.
Me: "I can't help you with your computer, ma'am. I'm sorry."
SC: "ITS NOT MY COMPUTER! Its your guys computers!"
Me: "......."
SC: "I keep entering your email into Google and it doesn't work! It just brings up a bunch of stuff that sends me to your website when I click on them!"
Do you know where your fusebox is, ma'am?
Merry Christmas, Sir!
This is....yeah. I don't even have a punchline for this one. Where to start....
We started getting complaints on one of our property management lines about too much noise in one of the buildings. Specifically, there was some yelling going on, up on the 5th floor and everyone was getting tired of listening to it. It turned out to be a domestic disturbance. So not our juristicion really, we're not the police so not much we can do about it. But it became ever more spectacular until it spilled out into the hallway at which point we started getting eye witness reports.
As it turns out, the tenant in question had come home to discover his boyfriend with another man. Which had sparked a 3 way screaming match that they had taken out into the hallway as the tenant was trying to throw out his boyfriend and his boyfriend's boyfriend. Police were called to break it up, boyfriend and boyfriend were bounced out of the building. Tenant drowned his sorrows at home.
Fast forward a couple hours. We start getting a couple of calls with an odd complaint: There is an utterly unholy smell slowly penetrating the 4th, 5th and 6th floor. Just gentlely wafting into everyone's place from the hallway and the heating vents. We were somewhat puzzled as its a bit hard to get an emergency on call dispatched for a bad smell.
Annnnd then I got a call that solved the mystery. From the tenant's neighbour. It turns out that the jilted now ex-boyfriend had returned sometime later and, well, taken a massive dump right outside his former lover's door. Right in the hallway. The caller assured me that it was "quite large", "clearly not from a dog" and "Smells incredibly bad".
annnd rest, for the holidays.
annnd next week, I begin phase II of my new position: Management.
Pray for my coworkers. Also for me, because I'm frontline still. But now I'm the guy that takes the calls that are so bad my coworkers can't handle them. >.>
Windmills Do Not Work That Way
SC: "Okay, I have two VISA gift cards here and I wanna use both of them. So split the order and put half of it on each."
Every fiber of my being tells me to hang up. Don't say anything further. Just pretend I can't hear him. But alas, I am contractually obligated.
Me: "I'm sorry sir, but we can't do that. We can only run one form of payment per order."
SC: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T DO THAT?! I WAS TOLD I COULD DO THAT BY A GUY THERE YESTERDAY! ARE YOU SAYING YOU LIED TO ME?!"
Ah yes, the ever fabled "Guy I Spoke WIth Yesterday". God that guy causes a lot of trouble. I swear if we ever figure out who that guy is he's so getting written up.
Me: "I don't know who you spoke with yesterday, but our system only allows us to run one credit card at a time per order. If you were ordering two different items I could run each item on a different card. But I can't split the price of one item onto two cards."
SC: "WHY NOT?! EVERYWHERE ELSE CAN! THIS IS BULLSHIT! I HAVE TO BUY THIS TODAY! IT''S 12/12/12! THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF WHY I RAN OUT TO GET THE GIFT CARDS WAS SO I COULD ORDER IT ON 12/12/12 SO IT WOULD BE A LUCKY TICKET!!"
Dammit, now "Everywhere Else" too. I bet we hired Guy I Spoke With Yesterday after he got fired from Everywhere Else. They run a terrible business over there. Its no wonder Guy I Spoke With Yesterday has no idea what he's doing.
Me: "Well, its impossible for me to do in the system. But you could contact customer service and see if they can run this manually for you."
SC: "NO! IF I CALL THEM IT WON'T BE DONE TODAY AND IT HAS TO BE DONE TODAY BECAUSE ITS 12/12/12! WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT?"
Me: "Sir, as I said, I can't process it that way in our system."
SC: "CAN'T OR WON'T?!"
Me: "Can't, sir, its impossible in our system."
SC: "IMPOSSIBLE OR YOU DON'T KNOW HOW?! ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT?!"
EVERYONE WHO TELLS ME NO IS A STUPID FACE. THE INFANTILE NEEDS OF MY TINY, RIGID PENIS SHOULD BE MET WITHOUT QUESTION.
Me: "Sir, I have already offered you a solution. Just contact customer service and ask if they can run the order manually for you."
SC: "THEN I WON'T GET IN FOR 12/12/12! WHY WOULD THE GUY YESTERDAY TELL ME I COULD DO THIS IF I CAN'T DO THIS! HE TOLD ME IF I DIDN'T HAVE A CREDIT CARD THEN I COULD JUST GO OUT AND GET A VISA GIFT CARD! SO I RAN OUT TO 7/11 AND GRABBED A COUPLE AND NOW YOU'RE SAYING I CAN'T DO IT THAT WAY?!!"
Me: "Its impossible to run two credit cards in our system on a single charge. I don't have a cash register here, sir. It's a computer script."
SC: "THEN WHY WOULD HE FUCKING SAY THAT?! HUH?! EITHER YOU'RE LYING OR YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!"
Me: "We can run a gift card, but we can't split a single charge onto two cards. He may have told you to go get a VISA gift card, but did he really tell you to get *two* of them?"
SC: ".........."
Me: ".........."
I'm guessing that's a no, then?
SC: "FINE I'M GOING TO CALL CUSTOMER SERVICE AND TELL THEM HOW FUCKING RUDE YOU WERE TO ME AND HOW YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO YOUR JOB! <click>"
By all means, sir! Feel free to tell them whatever you like about me. Its not like you weren't advised at the beginning of the call that this would be recorded for quality assurance purposes or anything.
Windmills Do Not Work That Way II
SC: "Yes, I want to place an order but I want to split it onto two different credit cards."
Me: "Sir, I just spoke with you. As I said, that is impossible in our system. You will have to call customer service and ask if they can do it manually for you."
SC: "YOU DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING GIVE ME THE NUMBER TO CUSTOMER SERVICE!!"
Me: "That's because you hung up on me, sir."
SC: "......."
Me: "......."
I'm going to assume whenever you go silent quiet that, that you're actually still moving your mouth in silent, incoherent rage.
SC: "WELL WHY WOULD THE OTHER GUY TELL EM I COULD DO THIS YESTERDAY?! I HAVE TO DO THIS TODAY ON 12/12/12!! OTHERWISE THERE'S NO POINT!!@$@ WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?! YOU'RE ALL RUDE AND NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!"
Me: "Sir, I cannot help you. Please call customer service."
SC: "YOU STUPID ASSHOLE! I HAVE TO DO THIS TODAY!! <click>"
Congradulations, sir! My coworkers are normally fairly use to my ramblings. But that is definately the first time any of them have ever heard me use the phrase "Tiny incoherent rage boner" or "The impenetrable hymen of reason" in the work place.
This Foe Beyond Any Of You
SC: "Uh, yeah, um, I'm on yer website trying to place an order."
Well, there's your problem. I thought we talked about this? Look, even placing an order over the phone is often a bitter, lengthy struggle for you guys. And thats just by COD. Nevermind attempting to comprehend a credit card ( I trust yours is currently lodged in your DVD drive ). So how about you just turn the computer off and back away slowly. If you can't figure out how to do that, just start yanking cords until nothing's glowing anymore. Then come back to the phone and we'll talk. Maybe get you a nice hat or some pants or something.
It's okay, I'm here to help.
SC: "I got into the, uh...cart? and ders this thing at the bottom that says "Note to US Customers", but, uh, I'm not in the US?"
Let me see if I have this straight: It says "Note to US Customers", you're not in the US, and now you're confused as to whether or not its talking to you? Okay, yeah, just...just leave the computer alone.
SC: "How do I change it to, like, Note To Canadian Customers?"
Easy! You go to the fuse box and start unscrewing things until you revert back to a level of technology you're actually capable of dealing with.
Why Is It So Hard?
Me: "And your name please, sir?"
SC: "Uh........"
Me: "........."
SC: ".....ummmm, hold on, k?"
Hold on? What? Why? There is no comprehensible reason for me to have to hold on while you try and figure out how to answer that question. At least none that don't begin with "Hello, I think I have a screwdriver lodged in my forehead. Is this 911? Send sheep.".
I Wonder Why
SC: "Hi! I was trying to place an order on your website and I got all the way to the payment part and there's no option for Amex. Just Visa, Mastercard and Discovery. I looked all around under your FAQ but no where does it say Amex."
Well, I could tell you, but you've already put so much effort into solving this dilemma and you're so close to an answer. It would be a shame to spoil the big secret now.
TELL ME
Me: "And the address please?"
SC: "It's <address and building name>"
Me: "Alright, is there a unit number?"
SC: "No."
Me: "Oh, alright, this is house then?"
SC: "No, its an apartment building."
Me: ".....Alright, so which apartment number are you in?"
SC: "No."
Me: "There's no apartment number?"
SC: "No."
Me: "What apartment are you in then?"
SC: "The bottom one"
Me: "Oh, so this is more like a townhouse then?"
SC: "No."
Me: "Is it like a suite then?"
SC: "No."
Me: "........"
SC: "........"
Me: ".....Alright, how do you identify which apartment you're in?"
SC: "It's apartment number 526"
Please don't take this the wrong way, sir, but I do very much hope you get punched in the neck at some point over the holidays.
We Lost Another One
Me: "Alright, and the credit card number please?"
SC: "It's 6....8.....it's.....it's so shiny."
Wait, no! Don't look at it! Stay with me Jimmy, stay with me!
Hah. No.
SC: "Will this arrive before Christmas?"
Lets see, you're ordering it on a Saturday night, 3 days before Christmas, and you've elected to ship it ground by the US Postal Service.
Oh yeah, totally. Don't worry about it.
Abort! Abort!
SC: "I'm trying to email your customer service center but its not going through."
Me: "Oh, alright. You're trying to send it too blahblah@blah.blah?"
SC: "Yes! But its not going through. I've been trying to send it for an hour now! Your email address is broken!"
Me: "Hmm, alright. Is it bouncing back to you?"
SC: "No, it won't even let me type anything in!"
DANGER WILL ROBINSON.
Me: "I'm sorry?"
SC: "It doesn't let me type in a message!"
Me: "Sorry, ma'am, but I'm afraid I can't help you with your email program."
SC: "It's not my email! Its YOUR email thats broken!"
Have you ever had a customer that obviously has some sort of fundementally stupid problem with their computer, and you know you could fix it, but fixing it isn't your job. So you have to somehow extract yourself from the conversation without letting on that you know what the problem is or how to fix it?
Yeah.
Me: "I can't help you with your computer, ma'am. I'm sorry."
SC: "ITS NOT MY COMPUTER! Its your guys computers!"
Me: "......."
SC: "I keep entering your email into Google and it doesn't work! It just brings up a bunch of stuff that sends me to your website when I click on them!"
Do you know where your fusebox is, ma'am?
Merry Christmas, Sir!
This is....yeah. I don't even have a punchline for this one. Where to start....
We started getting complaints on one of our property management lines about too much noise in one of the buildings. Specifically, there was some yelling going on, up on the 5th floor and everyone was getting tired of listening to it. It turned out to be a domestic disturbance. So not our juristicion really, we're not the police so not much we can do about it. But it became ever more spectacular until it spilled out into the hallway at which point we started getting eye witness reports.
As it turns out, the tenant in question had come home to discover his boyfriend with another man. Which had sparked a 3 way screaming match that they had taken out into the hallway as the tenant was trying to throw out his boyfriend and his boyfriend's boyfriend. Police were called to break it up, boyfriend and boyfriend were bounced out of the building. Tenant drowned his sorrows at home.
Fast forward a couple hours. We start getting a couple of calls with an odd complaint: There is an utterly unholy smell slowly penetrating the 4th, 5th and 6th floor. Just gentlely wafting into everyone's place from the hallway and the heating vents. We were somewhat puzzled as its a bit hard to get an emergency on call dispatched for a bad smell.
Annnnd then I got a call that solved the mystery. From the tenant's neighbour. It turns out that the jilted now ex-boyfriend had returned sometime later and, well, taken a massive dump right outside his former lover's door. Right in the hallway. The caller assured me that it was "quite large", "clearly not from a dog" and "Smells incredibly bad".
annnd rest, for the holidays.
annnd next week, I begin phase II of my new position: Management.
Pray for my coworkers. Also for me, because I'm frontline still. But now I'm the guy that takes the calls that are so bad my coworkers can't handle them. >.>
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