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And there's plenty of it, both in and out of work.
Let's start with the out of work stupidity, shall we?
Parking Nazi
Normally a title we reserve on the island for the parking enforcement people, this title was earned the other morning by a private citizen. Heading in to work, I parked, as I often do, a few streets away, as there is really little to no parking right by The Bar. And I parked, as I often do, on a residential street. Made a point of getting the Jestermobile parked nicely inside the lines, as I always do. As I was getting out of the truck, I hear a voice saying, "Hey!" Guy on the second floor balcony of the house next to where I parked was trying to get my attention. "Yeah?" I asked. "You need to put some more room behind you." What? What was he talking about? I looked, and there was plenty of room between me and the car behind me, more than enough. "It's fine," I told him. "Plenty of room." He wasn't satisfied. "No, you've crammed it in there. You need to move it forward." Really dude? Really? Fine, fuck it. So I hopped back into the Jestermobile, moved it forward a couple feet just to shut this yahoo up, and once again got out of the truck and locked it up, only to discover His Highness had descended from his Royal Balcony to continue being a Royal Jackass. "See? Now it's fine." "It was fine before," I told him. "No, they changed the lines." "Yes, I know, I parked in the new lines, and there was plenty of room," I told him as I'm trying to walk away and, ya know, get to work, rather than argue this triviality. "No, come here and look." Um, no, I've already reparked my truck at your request, so why don't you just shut up? Seriously, what is wrong with people? I say nothing and keep walking, since now the Jestermobile is the way he wanted it. Does he thank me? Does he go back into his house? No, he must get in a parting shot: "Why don't you crawl back under the rock you came from!" Continuing walking, I simply call back, "You too!" and wave. Seriously. What the flying fuck is wrong with this guy? I did what you wanted, pal, and you're STILL gonna give me shit, simply because I don't bow and scrape and thank you for showing me the error of my ways? Fuck you. I hope someone less scrupulous and less attentive rams your car from behind. Preferably while you're in it getting a blow job from your drug dealer.
Beer Moron
So last night I was enjoying a celebratory beer after ASU's win in their bowl game. And I was talking to a guy next to me at the bar, who at 23 was convinced that he was a Beer Expert. (He wasn't.) Even funnier than his posturing was his comment about one beer I recommended that wasn't as hoppy as the beer he had been drinking previously: "It must be the abstinence of hops I'm tasting."
Riiiiiiight.
Scumbags
I've mentioned Scumbags before. These are the guys that aren't bums, but are just a half step on the socioeconomic ladder above bums, and are clearly just one or two missed odd jobs away from actually being bums. Well, Thursday night I was watching the end of another bowl game at this new cigar bar, and enjoying a lovely Shipyard Pumpkinhead beer. Guy next to me was rooting for the other team, and that was fine. And he kept talking shit about the game, and that was fine, too. I've been known to jaw a bit myself, and I was. What was NOT fine was when he asked me if he could have a sip of my beer. "No. I've been working all damn day, and this is mine. You want a beer, buy one." No problem, sorry buddy, yada yada. And then, five minutes later, he asked AGAIN if he could "just have a sip." No. No, no, no, no, and no. At which point I kept my beer firmly in my hand so that there would be no way he could maybe sneak a quick belt from my glass. I was actually surprised he didn't ask me to buy him a beer, but was amused when he tried to bet me "a hundred dollars" on the game. Look, pal, if you have a hundy, you don't need to be asking other people for sips of their beer. Asshole. And he wasn't a customer, either. He was just there watching the game, not buying a thing. I have no idea why the bartender allowed him to stay. I wouldn't have.
And then, as if this guy hadn't been enough of an annoyance, after I left that bar, a couple more scumbags approached me on the street. "Hey pal, can you help us out?" No. No, no, no, no, and no. If you're able-bodied enough to walk down the street drinking beer, go get a fucking job and leave me the fuck alone. I work for my money and my beer. Piss off. Assholes.
Poor puppy
While walking down the street the other day, I saw a woman with her dog. He was not on a leash. Nor was he on the ground. Nor was he even in a stroller, which is a growing trend that makes no sense to me at all. He was in a front mounted papoose, the kind you might see a baby in, and he was just sitting there, all four paws hanging in the air useless, as this woman hauled him around. He did not appear injured in any way, mind you, but simply was a small dog that this woman was babying to a ridiculous degree. Just as some men are emasculated by their women in various ways, this dog had clearly been ecaninated. Sad. So very, very sad.
Now, on to the people who were end of the year idiots at my job!
Beer Token Guy #1
Many bars in Key West, including mine, give out tokens during happy hour, as part of their "buy one get one free" happy hour. Basically, you buy one of the beers that are on special, and with your beer you get a token that you can redeem for a second beer for free, either that day or another day during happy hour. It is a pretty simple and straightforward system, and the vast majority of people have no problem understanding it. However....
This guy comes in the other day and asks if it's happy hour. It is. Can he use his tokens? He can....wait a moment, what are these? I'm sorry, sir, but these tokens are from Some Other Bar. "So I can't use them here?" Um, no. You can't. "Well someone at Some Other Bar told me I could use these anywhere in town." Well, they were wrong, or they lied to you, or you misunderstood them. Be that as it may, not only can I not control what other people say (or what you think they say), but I cannot take another bar's tokens just because "someone" told you so.
Beer Token Guy #2
This guy makes the first guy look like a genius by comparison.
This old curmudgeon comes in with a few friends, and my coworker deals with them.
BTG2: "We have these tokens. What can we use them for?"
CW: "A free beer, since it's happy hour!" (At least this guy had tokens from OUR bar!)
BTG2: "But what about the 2 for 1 we saw advertised?"
CW: "Yeah, if you buy a beer, you get a token for another one."
BTG2: "We don't want another token."
CW: "Of course. Since you already have tokens, you can use them for beers."
BTG2: "But we want to get the 2 for 1."
CW: "You're getting the free part of the 2 for 1."
BTG2: "So what you're telling us is that these tokens are worthless."
CW:
"Um, no, I'm telling you that you can turn them in for free beers."
BTG2: "But we want to get the 2 for 1 special."
CW: "That is the 2 for 1 special."
BTG2: "So these are worthless."
CW:
"No....look, just give me the tokens and tell me what kind of beer you want."
BTG2: "We want the 2 for 1 special, we don't want this token nonsense."
And this went around and around and around and around for a while. I overheard a lot of it while I was ringing in some food at that end of the bar, and was trying not to crack up. Finally CW just threw her hands up, asked them what kind of beer they wanted, served them the 2 beers they ordered, and put them both on the bill. A short while later she asked me if I would take that group's food order. "Oh, HELL no! They're all yours!"
When she finally gave them the bill, after they had studied it for a while but still not paid it, she asked me to go get payment from them. Actually, no...she begged me. Feeling a bit of sympathy, since CW is a sweetheart, I made the mistake of agreeing to this.
BTG2: "Why are there two beers on our bill?"
JESTER: "Because it's buy one get one, so you can use your tokens for another one."
BTG2: "We don't want another one."
JESTER: "That's alright...in that case you can use your tokens another day."
BTG2: "What are these tokens?"
JESTER: "They're for free beers. Bring them in another day during happy hour, and you can get free beers with them."
BTG2: "Why can't we get the two for one now?"
JESTER: "You did."
BTG2: "But both beers are on the tab."
JESTER: "Yes, you ordered two beers, we gave you two beers, you get two tokens for the next two beers."
BTG2: "That's not two for one."
JESTER: "Sir, it's buy one get one free. You bought one each, and you'll each get a free one with those tokens."
And on, and on, and on.
"Jester, why didn't you just take back the tokens and take one of the beers off the bill?" Excellent question. CW had already offered to do that, but they wouldn't give up their tokens. So I wasn't about to budge to help these idiots out.
Seriously, you've been on this planet for at least 60 years, and you can't understand something this simple?
Master Pickup Artist
Lovely woman was sitting at my bar drinking, and had ordered some to go food for herself, her daughters, and her husband, who were off getting scuba-certified. Guy comes in and sidles right up to the bar stool next to her, so I quickly assume it's her husband. After I get him his beer, I ask, "You two are together, right?" Meaning on the same tab. Nope. They just met. Ah, okay. He must have just picked that spot at the mostly empty bar by chance, or been a really friendly fellow.
Not so much.
After he drank his beer and paid for it, and left quickly, I commented that he sure left fast. Her explanation was short and to the point: "He found out I was married." Felt like a drive by pickup attempt. Very odd.
What We Have Here...is Failure...to Communicate
My coworker was waiting tables in the dining room and had this gem. This table ordered nachos, with everything on the side, and with no meat. So she rang in the plain nachos with everything on the side. The kitchen makes them, she brings them out, sets them on the table...and the people look at the nachos, look at my coworker, look back at the nachos, and say....
"Where's the beef?"
CW: "You ordered it without meat."
THEM: "Well, there must have been some kind of miscommunication."
Yes, clearly. That miscommunication being that, apparently, you thought that beef was not meat.
To me, clearly the funniest one of the week.
Only one more shift left in 2012, so only one more day for someone to take the title of "Stupidest Question of the Year" from the woman who asked, "Can you make me a virgin Shirley Temple?"
Let's start with the out of work stupidity, shall we?
Parking Nazi
Normally a title we reserve on the island for the parking enforcement people, this title was earned the other morning by a private citizen. Heading in to work, I parked, as I often do, a few streets away, as there is really little to no parking right by The Bar. And I parked, as I often do, on a residential street. Made a point of getting the Jestermobile parked nicely inside the lines, as I always do. As I was getting out of the truck, I hear a voice saying, "Hey!" Guy on the second floor balcony of the house next to where I parked was trying to get my attention. "Yeah?" I asked. "You need to put some more room behind you." What? What was he talking about? I looked, and there was plenty of room between me and the car behind me, more than enough. "It's fine," I told him. "Plenty of room." He wasn't satisfied. "No, you've crammed it in there. You need to move it forward." Really dude? Really? Fine, fuck it. So I hopped back into the Jestermobile, moved it forward a couple feet just to shut this yahoo up, and once again got out of the truck and locked it up, only to discover His Highness had descended from his Royal Balcony to continue being a Royal Jackass. "See? Now it's fine." "It was fine before," I told him. "No, they changed the lines." "Yes, I know, I parked in the new lines, and there was plenty of room," I told him as I'm trying to walk away and, ya know, get to work, rather than argue this triviality. "No, come here and look." Um, no, I've already reparked my truck at your request, so why don't you just shut up? Seriously, what is wrong with people? I say nothing and keep walking, since now the Jestermobile is the way he wanted it. Does he thank me? Does he go back into his house? No, he must get in a parting shot: "Why don't you crawl back under the rock you came from!" Continuing walking, I simply call back, "You too!" and wave. Seriously. What the flying fuck is wrong with this guy? I did what you wanted, pal, and you're STILL gonna give me shit, simply because I don't bow and scrape and thank you for showing me the error of my ways? Fuck you. I hope someone less scrupulous and less attentive rams your car from behind. Preferably while you're in it getting a blow job from your drug dealer.
Beer Moron
So last night I was enjoying a celebratory beer after ASU's win in their bowl game. And I was talking to a guy next to me at the bar, who at 23 was convinced that he was a Beer Expert. (He wasn't.) Even funnier than his posturing was his comment about one beer I recommended that wasn't as hoppy as the beer he had been drinking previously: "It must be the abstinence of hops I'm tasting."
Riiiiiiight.
Scumbags
I've mentioned Scumbags before. These are the guys that aren't bums, but are just a half step on the socioeconomic ladder above bums, and are clearly just one or two missed odd jobs away from actually being bums. Well, Thursday night I was watching the end of another bowl game at this new cigar bar, and enjoying a lovely Shipyard Pumpkinhead beer. Guy next to me was rooting for the other team, and that was fine. And he kept talking shit about the game, and that was fine, too. I've been known to jaw a bit myself, and I was. What was NOT fine was when he asked me if he could have a sip of my beer. "No. I've been working all damn day, and this is mine. You want a beer, buy one." No problem, sorry buddy, yada yada. And then, five minutes later, he asked AGAIN if he could "just have a sip." No. No, no, no, no, and no. At which point I kept my beer firmly in my hand so that there would be no way he could maybe sneak a quick belt from my glass. I was actually surprised he didn't ask me to buy him a beer, but was amused when he tried to bet me "a hundred dollars" on the game. Look, pal, if you have a hundy, you don't need to be asking other people for sips of their beer. Asshole. And he wasn't a customer, either. He was just there watching the game, not buying a thing. I have no idea why the bartender allowed him to stay. I wouldn't have.
And then, as if this guy hadn't been enough of an annoyance, after I left that bar, a couple more scumbags approached me on the street. "Hey pal, can you help us out?" No. No, no, no, no, and no. If you're able-bodied enough to walk down the street drinking beer, go get a fucking job and leave me the fuck alone. I work for my money and my beer. Piss off. Assholes.
Poor puppy
While walking down the street the other day, I saw a woman with her dog. He was not on a leash. Nor was he on the ground. Nor was he even in a stroller, which is a growing trend that makes no sense to me at all. He was in a front mounted papoose, the kind you might see a baby in, and he was just sitting there, all four paws hanging in the air useless, as this woman hauled him around. He did not appear injured in any way, mind you, but simply was a small dog that this woman was babying to a ridiculous degree. Just as some men are emasculated by their women in various ways, this dog had clearly been ecaninated. Sad. So very, very sad.
Now, on to the people who were end of the year idiots at my job!
Beer Token Guy #1
Many bars in Key West, including mine, give out tokens during happy hour, as part of their "buy one get one free" happy hour. Basically, you buy one of the beers that are on special, and with your beer you get a token that you can redeem for a second beer for free, either that day or another day during happy hour. It is a pretty simple and straightforward system, and the vast majority of people have no problem understanding it. However....
This guy comes in the other day and asks if it's happy hour. It is. Can he use his tokens? He can....wait a moment, what are these? I'm sorry, sir, but these tokens are from Some Other Bar. "So I can't use them here?" Um, no. You can't. "Well someone at Some Other Bar told me I could use these anywhere in town." Well, they were wrong, or they lied to you, or you misunderstood them. Be that as it may, not only can I not control what other people say (or what you think they say), but I cannot take another bar's tokens just because "someone" told you so.
Beer Token Guy #2
This guy makes the first guy look like a genius by comparison.
This old curmudgeon comes in with a few friends, and my coworker deals with them.
BTG2: "We have these tokens. What can we use them for?"
CW: "A free beer, since it's happy hour!" (At least this guy had tokens from OUR bar!)
BTG2: "But what about the 2 for 1 we saw advertised?"
CW: "Yeah, if you buy a beer, you get a token for another one."
BTG2: "We don't want another token."
CW: "Of course. Since you already have tokens, you can use them for beers."
BTG2: "But we want to get the 2 for 1."
CW: "You're getting the free part of the 2 for 1."
BTG2: "So what you're telling us is that these tokens are worthless."
CW:
"Um, no, I'm telling you that you can turn them in for free beers."BTG2: "But we want to get the 2 for 1 special."
CW: "That is the 2 for 1 special."
BTG2: "So these are worthless."
CW:
"No....look, just give me the tokens and tell me what kind of beer you want."BTG2: "We want the 2 for 1 special, we don't want this token nonsense."
And this went around and around and around and around for a while. I overheard a lot of it while I was ringing in some food at that end of the bar, and was trying not to crack up. Finally CW just threw her hands up, asked them what kind of beer they wanted, served them the 2 beers they ordered, and put them both on the bill. A short while later she asked me if I would take that group's food order. "Oh, HELL no! They're all yours!"
When she finally gave them the bill, after they had studied it for a while but still not paid it, she asked me to go get payment from them. Actually, no...she begged me. Feeling a bit of sympathy, since CW is a sweetheart, I made the mistake of agreeing to this.
BTG2: "Why are there two beers on our bill?"
JESTER: "Because it's buy one get one, so you can use your tokens for another one."
BTG2: "We don't want another one."
JESTER: "That's alright...in that case you can use your tokens another day."
BTG2: "What are these tokens?"
JESTER: "They're for free beers. Bring them in another day during happy hour, and you can get free beers with them."
BTG2: "Why can't we get the two for one now?"
JESTER: "You did."
BTG2: "But both beers are on the tab."
JESTER: "Yes, you ordered two beers, we gave you two beers, you get two tokens for the next two beers."
BTG2: "That's not two for one."
JESTER: "Sir, it's buy one get one free. You bought one each, and you'll each get a free one with those tokens."
And on, and on, and on.
"Jester, why didn't you just take back the tokens and take one of the beers off the bill?" Excellent question. CW had already offered to do that, but they wouldn't give up their tokens. So I wasn't about to budge to help these idiots out.
Seriously, you've been on this planet for at least 60 years, and you can't understand something this simple?
Master Pickup Artist
Lovely woman was sitting at my bar drinking, and had ordered some to go food for herself, her daughters, and her husband, who were off getting scuba-certified. Guy comes in and sidles right up to the bar stool next to her, so I quickly assume it's her husband. After I get him his beer, I ask, "You two are together, right?" Meaning on the same tab. Nope. They just met. Ah, okay. He must have just picked that spot at the mostly empty bar by chance, or been a really friendly fellow.
Not so much.
After he drank his beer and paid for it, and left quickly, I commented that he sure left fast. Her explanation was short and to the point: "He found out I was married." Felt like a drive by pickup attempt. Very odd.
What We Have Here...is Failure...to Communicate
My coworker was waiting tables in the dining room and had this gem. This table ordered nachos, with everything on the side, and with no meat. So she rang in the plain nachos with everything on the side. The kitchen makes them, she brings them out, sets them on the table...and the people look at the nachos, look at my coworker, look back at the nachos, and say....
"Where's the beef?"
CW: "You ordered it without meat."
THEM: "Well, there must have been some kind of miscommunication."
Yes, clearly. That miscommunication being that, apparently, you thought that beef was not meat.
To me, clearly the funniest one of the week.
Only one more shift left in 2012, so only one more day for someone to take the title of "Stupidest Question of the Year" from the woman who asked, "Can you make me a virgin Shirley Temple?"
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