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These are the last dregs from the bottom of the barrel as of late, I don't expect anything else memorable to happen until, *sigh*, FOOT-EFFIN'-BALL season starts, then the stupid will rain on me like something biblical. In the meantime, enjoy:
Sign Language, He Failed at Reading, I Failed to Understand
Sir, since you haven't actually spoken any words to me and our "conversation" so far has only been your wild gesticulating, I'll have to do my best to interpret what you're trying to communicate to me.
Is it "field goal"?
No?
Well why are you throwing your arms straight above your head like that?
Oh, you intended a different meaning, well that is a versatile gesture, depending on situation, as noted above. I guess you intended me to interpret it as indignation at unforeseeable events, the "How Could THIS possibly happen?!" gesture? Right?
Well, I'll tell you exactly why in plain English
"You took up two spaces, and you didn't pay for either"
No sir, the fact you just ran off "for a minute" to get a sandwich doesn't change the fact that taking two spaces, diagonally, at a near perfect 45 degree angle, and neglecting to pay either of BOTH functioning and prominent parking meters, is kinda a tad dickish, also illegal. The sign you drove past to GET here even says that you'll be towed for ignoring the meters, as you did. Had you even paid ONE I would have let it slide. Frankly, I think a quarter to get rid of me for up to an hour is a bargain at today's rates, plus we're in a recession..... but what do I know? Right? I can't even get your body language correct on the first try.
New For 2013! Poor Parking Excuses!
Here's a new one I've never heard before
"Why are you towing me?"
"You don't have a permit to park here"
"But I was at a birthday party!"
Didn't help, mind you, but it was still one I'd never heard before. What a shame, you didn't like my present.
What I'm Worth
Rare is the man who knows what he's worth
Fortunately, thanks to this man, I know EXACTLY what I'm worth
I'm worth $15
Because as he was pulling the ticket he got for illegally parking off his minivan, and crumpling it up and throwing it against my driver's door, he declared that "If I had my gun, I'd SHOOT YOU for this!". So apparently, my going rate is .25 cents to get rid of me for an hour, and $15 to get rid of me permanently.
Now, before we all go crazy with the OMGOMGOMG CALL THE COPS HE THREATENED YOU!!!! let me tell you that in my line of work, I can safely say, people who THREATEN to do stuff like that to you NEVER will. If they don't do it as soon as they see you, they're not going to do it, whatever "it" is. So it's pointless to engage them when they're leaving anyway. Especially when, in this case, I hadn't even hooked up to him yet so I couldn't force him to pay the ticket, or anything else, just tell the lot owner who called him in that he was leaving and move on to my next call, I had plenty. I just found it oddly hilarious and/or sad that this man truly believed that going to prison for the rest of his life was worth saving $15, money that he wouldn't have even owed had he, say it with me, listened to the signs.
Besides, Karma says he's gonna drop dead of a heart attack sooner than me because if he gets ramped up enough to contemplate homicide of a stranger over the cost of a decent lunch and tip, imagine what'll happen when his favorite TV show gets canceled and he gets his first grey hair? Too bad I won't be there to see it.
It's also too bad I wasn't there to see it when he came out in the morning and found that same crumpled-up ticket back under the windshield wiper of his van.
Yeah, I picked it up off the ground, intending to throw it out because, well, nobody likes a litterbug.
Never thought I'd pass his van again later in the night, parked with nobody in it on the street in a different neighborhood, with that ticket still sitting on my passengers seat.
He probably chucked it again when he found it come the morning, but, you take your moral victories where you can.
Sign Language, He Failed at Reading, I Failed to Understand
Sir, since you haven't actually spoken any words to me and our "conversation" so far has only been your wild gesticulating, I'll have to do my best to interpret what you're trying to communicate to me.
Is it "field goal"?
No?
Well why are you throwing your arms straight above your head like that?
Oh, you intended a different meaning, well that is a versatile gesture, depending on situation, as noted above. I guess you intended me to interpret it as indignation at unforeseeable events, the "How Could THIS possibly happen?!" gesture? Right?
Well, I'll tell you exactly why in plain English
"You took up two spaces, and you didn't pay for either"
No sir, the fact you just ran off "for a minute" to get a sandwich doesn't change the fact that taking two spaces, diagonally, at a near perfect 45 degree angle, and neglecting to pay either of BOTH functioning and prominent parking meters, is kinda a tad dickish, also illegal. The sign you drove past to GET here even says that you'll be towed for ignoring the meters, as you did. Had you even paid ONE I would have let it slide. Frankly, I think a quarter to get rid of me for up to an hour is a bargain at today's rates, plus we're in a recession..... but what do I know? Right? I can't even get your body language correct on the first try.
New For 2013! Poor Parking Excuses!
Here's a new one I've never heard before
"Why are you towing me?"
"You don't have a permit to park here"
"But I was at a birthday party!"
Didn't help, mind you, but it was still one I'd never heard before. What a shame, you didn't like my present.
What I'm Worth
Rare is the man who knows what he's worth
Fortunately, thanks to this man, I know EXACTLY what I'm worth
I'm worth $15
Because as he was pulling the ticket he got for illegally parking off his minivan, and crumpling it up and throwing it against my driver's door, he declared that "If I had my gun, I'd SHOOT YOU for this!". So apparently, my going rate is .25 cents to get rid of me for an hour, and $15 to get rid of me permanently.
Now, before we all go crazy with the OMGOMGOMG CALL THE COPS HE THREATENED YOU!!!! let me tell you that in my line of work, I can safely say, people who THREATEN to do stuff like that to you NEVER will. If they don't do it as soon as they see you, they're not going to do it, whatever "it" is. So it's pointless to engage them when they're leaving anyway. Especially when, in this case, I hadn't even hooked up to him yet so I couldn't force him to pay the ticket, or anything else, just tell the lot owner who called him in that he was leaving and move on to my next call, I had plenty. I just found it oddly hilarious and/or sad that this man truly believed that going to prison for the rest of his life was worth saving $15, money that he wouldn't have even owed had he, say it with me, listened to the signs.
Besides, Karma says he's gonna drop dead of a heart attack sooner than me because if he gets ramped up enough to contemplate homicide of a stranger over the cost of a decent lunch and tip, imagine what'll happen when his favorite TV show gets canceled and he gets his first grey hair? Too bad I won't be there to see it.
It's also too bad I wasn't there to see it when he came out in the morning and found that same crumpled-up ticket back under the windshield wiper of his van.
Yeah, I picked it up off the ground, intending to throw it out because, well, nobody likes a litterbug.
Never thought I'd pass his van again later in the night, parked with nobody in it on the street in a different neighborhood, with that ticket still sitting on my passengers seat.
He probably chucked it again when he found it come the morning, but, you take your moral victories where you can.
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