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  • Trying so hard to hang on

    I didn't want to post this here. I went to the Depression sticky and checked all the links, trying to find a suicide prevention chat, but they're all closed at this time of night.

    The depressive episode that started back in December has continued to get worse. A week and a half ago, something in me just snapped. I'm beginning to wonder if it's the beginning of a real psychotic break. I feel like the person looking out through my eyes isn't me, but someone I don't recognize at all. It's one of the scariest things I've ever experienced. I can act and talk completely normally, but I feel like it's an act put on by someone who studied the old me.

    I'm used to feeling sad, angry, depressed, etc. I'm not used to feeling nothing. I'm used to the pain of "hope deferred," but not to having no hope at all. Everything just seems very empty and dead.

    The hardest part is, I've tried to tell people. I really have. I've asked friends to pray for me, told a few that I'm in the worst depressive episode of my life, etc. I even wrote a long email to my priest explaining what was going on (this was about 2 weeks ago, before the whole psychotic-break thing). But...either no-one can do anything, or no-one wants to do anything. Some of the people I've told are too far away to do anything. The ones closer by...I don't know. It's like they don't believe me, or think it's something that's just going to pass, that I'm just feeling "sad." My priest said that he thought I should pursue getting medication, but I have no money for healthcare right now. When I explained that, he said he could recommend some books. As if books could help. I haven't heard from him for two weeks now, except saying hi at church. [Note: I am not upset with him for this--he's going through a period of stress and depression himself right now, so he doesn't have a lot of energy to give.]

    My worst nightmare is telling someone that I feel there's something horribly wrong with me, only to hear them sigh with relief and say, "Oh thank goodness you noticed, now we don't have to pretend any more," then they leave. It feels like that's happening right now. I've told people that something is very very wrong, and they just stand there, not doing anything. And part of me wonders if they're just ready to stop having to pretend to care, to be polite, and just ready for me to sink under the water so they can go back to their lives.

    This isn't a suicide note. I don't have any plans. I just didn't know where else to go, and I wanted to try to get help at least one more time.
    "Eventually, everything that you have said becomes everything you will ever say." Eireann

    My pony dolls: http://equestriarags.tumblr.com

  • #2
    The Samaritans are never closed - they take emails. ABout 30% of the local branch's emails come from the US.

    Rapscallion

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    • #3
      All we can do is be there when you need us. To listen, to hold your hand in the time of darkness. Some people do care, but are not sure what to do besides listen. Wish I had some words of wisdom, or advice..but all I can do is tell you that you can message me any time you want. I might only be able to listen, but I am really good at that. *offers you a hug*
      Engaged to the amazing Marmalady. She is my Silver Dragon, shining as bright as the sun. I her Black Dragon (though good honestly), dark as night..fierce and strong.

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      • #4
        Joi, my friend's son had a break recently. You do need medical care; this is an organice brain chemistry issue, sounds like. Now, I know you don't have insurance. But legally if you go in to urgent care or ER, they have to treat you. I got county health insurance that way--got treated first, then administration helped me get signed up. Is there any way you can go to urgent care tomorrow? Can you tell them you feel you have some brain chem issues going on, that you feel you're moving into a dangerous frame of mind? Please do. I used to live in your state, and that's where I had that insurance. Medical bills can be taken care of later; your health matters now. Also, check your PMs.
        "Is it hot in here to you? It's very warm, isn't it?"--Nero, probably

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        • #5
          No access to healthcare such as a doc? Or the meds?
          I want you to start calling the county clinics. Or start with 211. Find somewhere you can go; if you need to (aka sliding towards suicide) walk into the ER.
          First step is doctor. Meds can be 2nd hurdle and can be free. You need diagnosis first.
          You will need to jockey for a spot when finding help. You need to advocate for yourself.

          Tomorrows mission: call 211. Start listing numbers for mental health clinics.
          Wednesday's mission: Call at least 2 of those numbers.
          Wed evening. Check in here.
          When I'm feeling FLAT (which is what you are; flat affect; you are such peace but it's not YOU driving the car), you are on super autopilot. And when I am flat, I have to MAKE myself do something. That's why I'm only saying a couple things to do. 2's the minimum of calls, do more if you can.

          Hugs, 211, get out of bed.
          In my heart, in my soul, I'm a woman for rock & roll.
          She's as fast as slugs on barbituates.

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          • #6
            Quoth Der Cute View Post
            No access to healthcare such as a doc? Or the meds?
            Nope, no healthcare since I lost my job. I keep meaning to look into state resources, but haven't yet.


            When I'm feeling FLAT (which is what you are; flat affect; you are such peace but it's not YOU driving the car), you are on super autopilot. And when I am flat, I have to MAKE myself do something. That's why I'm only saying a couple things to do. 2's the minimum of calls, do more if you can..
            I have been working on my writing; it keeps me going and keeps me sane for a few hours a day at least.

            I don't know about making calls. I'm not trying to be difficult; it's just that phone calls are very hard for me even on a good day, and during bad times they are nigh on impossible. But I will try one of the chats again during their operating hours.
            "Eventually, everything that you have said becomes everything you will ever say." Eireann

            My pony dolls: http://equestriarags.tumblr.com

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            • #7
              In the meantime, you can look on YouTube and see if there's any advice for people in your situation. Then, all you do is sit and listen, without having to make much effort.

              I've had the same thing happen. The people on this site, most of whom I have never met, have been kinder than people I know offline. It just showed me that I was wasting my time with certain people, and I've stopped associating with them. It's not you; it's them.

              Now, I know it's not easy dealing with someone who is monumentally depressed. I think a lot of people are just afraid that they'll be held responsible if they offer help, only to have something go very wrong. Or that the very act of offering help will CAUSE something terrible to happen. All of this is much easier to think about when you're not depressed, of course.

              Don't try to do too much. The most important thing is to reach out to people who are equipped to help you.

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              • #8
                Joi, I sincerely want you to know that I love you. Not *love*, love, but love you like family. I'll be praying for you....and if you ever need, just PM me, if you want to talk.

                Please definitely do one of the chats....or just see the clinic.

                Don't fret about the state healthcare, although if you get a chance, file for it online. Takes just a few minutes. But if you're thinking somehow that because you currently don't have it, you can't do anything....they are wiling to backpay in most states for stuff.

                <hugs Joi tightly>
                By popular request....I am now officially the Enemy of Normalcy.

                "What is unobtainium? To Seraph, it's a normal client. :P" -- Observant Friend

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                • #9
                  Furthermore, there are many sliding-scale therapists out there. Even if some of your friends don't want to talk to you about how you're feeling, they might be willing to take you to talk to someone.

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                  • #10
                    Joi,

                    Books can, indeed help; but the information they have is what I call 'physiotherapy for the mind'. I suspect you need a combination of medication and mental physiotherapy. Medication, however, is going to require the assistance of the medical community.

                    On the more positive side: your symptoms sound very familiar. I, too, have been emotionally numb; and the sense of dissociation (someone else looking out of your eyes) is also familiar.

                    It CAN be treated. In some people, it is completely cured. Others need to maintain the 'mental physiotherapy' practices all their lives, with or without supportive medication.

                    I am going to ask you to do something you will find very, very difficult. Contact the last-ditch medical help people: I hear that in the US it's called 'Medicare'. Apply for it.

                    I have a stuffed tiger I call my 'prosthetic calm' (Actually, her name is Tigrrrrr, but she acts as my anxiety-reducer). She is almost always in my arms when I make phone calls.
                    I have another one - Tiny Tiger - who is small enough to be always in my handbag.

                    You might not currently have enough emotion to be anxious - but nonetheless, you might find that having a friend - human, animal or plush - with you helps you.
                    Seshat's self-help guide:
                    1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                    2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                    3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                    4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                    "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

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                    • #11
                      *hugs* i may not be able to do much but commiserate and listen.. but i suffer from pretty bad depression too.. i know what you're going through because i've been there many many times before. If you EVER need someone to talk to feel free to get a hold of me.. I am always there for anyone.

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                      • #12
                        The High Priest is an Illusion!

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                        • #13
                          Please do take all this advice. Since you have no insurance and it sounds like possibly no job either? I don't recall if you did get another job or not but anyway it's easier for someone in your situation to get financial help with medical stuff. Go to an ER if you have to.

                          It does sound like a chemical inbalance to me...and you do need medical help and medication. Please go go go go go go go.

                          The scary part is the people I have known in my life that did commit suicide had no "plans" either they just did it. And I don't want to hear another one of our group has passed away in this manner. I'm still in therapy and taking anti depressants myself from the last one.
                          https://www.youtube.com/user/HedgeTV
                          Great YouTube channel check it out!

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                          • #14
                            It's early in the year, so many hospitals will still have some charity money they can draw on if you can't pay a bill. I would agree with everyone here who's mentioned the ER or urgent care. Get medical care first, they'll work out the payments with you later. They see a lot of people in your situation.

                            I got lucky when I got really bad a number of years ago. My sister and her wife are in the mental health field, so they had resources I could draw on.

                            Go. Take care of yourself. Good luck.
                            "If you pray very hard, you can become a cat person." -Angela, "The Office"

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                            • #15
                              Quoth JoitheArtist View Post

                              I have been working on my writing; it keeps me going and keeps me sane for a few hours a day at least.

                              I don't know about making calls. I'm not trying to be difficult; it's just that phone calls are very hard for me even on a good day, and during bad times they are nigh on impossible. But I will try one of the chats again during their operating hours.
                              Sweetie, wish I could be more help, but please, hang in there. Sometimes it's a matter of getting thru one particular day (then the next, and so on) until things can and do get better.

                              I've had my own share of problems, still fighting, and maybe going to finally get a bit of help soon. I can empathyze with you, and SO wish I could make things better. The overall feelings, the no insurance, all of it, been there, done that. You aren't alone.

                              I also understand about the phone calls - that's one of the hardest, I think, for others to get. I've had people tell me "call this office" or "talk to that agency" and just don't (can't) understand why that's a problem. Most people understand that a claustrophic can't go into an elevator, that a person with a fear of heights can't stand on a high-rise balcony - but can't comprehend that for some of us, at some points in our lives, picking up a phone to call a strange person can be just as difficult.

                              Keep up the writing, I've found when you cant' do anything else, just simply keeping busy with something can get you through (a day, a few hours, whatever). And keeping busy makes you feel you're doing something, which is better for the psyche than feeling like you're doing nothing.

                              Please feel free to PM me if you think I might be of any use in helping you get thru this. And best advice - hang in there. From my experience, the absolute worst is when you simply cannot envision feeling any better - so just keep telling yourself you will not always feel this way, you will feel better, whether you can believe that at the moment or not, just keep telling it to yourself - cause it is the truth.

                              Hugs.

                              Madness takes it's toll....
                              Please have exact change ready.

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