Customers Suck!

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purplecat41877 10-14-2016 04:59 AM

Dear Miss Foul,

The actress made the right decision and you won't be getting any awards or money. However, we are having auditions for Bratwoman if you want to try out.


W. Onderful

Dear Orchestra Manager,

Where do you get off rejecting me? All I did was play my violin as loud as possible. I demand you let me join. If you don't, I will show up at your next performance wearing nothing and run back and forth across the stage.


Mrs. Violin

mjr 10-17-2016 03:01 PM

Dear Mrs. Violin:

Yes, we rejected you. I'm happy that you correctly identified the instrument as a "violin", and yes you were "playing" it loudly. But it sounds to me like it's the very first time you've ever picked up a violin. So no, we will not let you join our esteemed Orchestra.

As to wearing nothing and running across the stage: We are an orchestra, not a comedy show. And "streaking" is illegal in most places. Doing so will get you introduced to some nice individuals in blue. They have these pretty silver bracelets.

So your empty threats mean nothing to myself or my orchestra.

We hope to not see you at our future performances.

F. Inemusic.
Orchestra Manager


Dear Football Team Owner:

Your coach sucks! I can't believe we lost the most recent game to the City Mascots! If I were coach, the team would have won that game easily! I have been coaching Pee Wee football for 10 years, and I have never, ever lost a game, so I know what I'm talking about!

Because I am a winner and your coach is not, you need to hire me as your coach and pay me $20 million a year! Yes, your coach is a former State Champion, NCAA National Champion, and 2 time Super Bowl winner, but he sucks as a coach, and I've never played football above High School, I still know what I'm talking about, and your coach is still a loser!

If you don't hire me, I will break into the practice facility and I will steal all the footballs, and replace them with Nerf footballs. Then I will tell BigSportsNetwork that your coach is a terrible coach because you're not practicing with real footballs!

Do the right thing!

W. Annabe Coach
10-time Pee-Wee League Champion

purplecat41877 10-22-2016 09:58 AM

Dear Mr. Coach,

You coach a team of children and these are a team of adults. If you break into our facility, we will press charges.

Al Waysafirsttime

Dear Office Manager,

Where do you get off allowing employees to talk on the phone in their native language during lunch/break time? I can't understand what they're saying. I demand you tell these employees to speak English only. If you don't, I will come to the office wearing nothing for two weeks.


Wanda Eavesdrop

Kristev 10-24-2016 08:41 AM

Dear Ms. Eavesdrop,

Where do you get off trying to listen in on other people's conversations? I can't understand what you think I can do about my employees on their lunch breaks and their off hours. And since you dress so skimpily, if you did wear nothing, we'd never know the difference.


Mr. Pry Vassy,

Office Manager

Dear Aquamarine Beach Resorts,

We went to your resort with our children, only to have child protective services take our son away! All we did was get on the beach and spend all of our time together being intimate. We're married. We have the right to be romantic all the time. Why shouldn't our son have chance to play at the ocean, and we to have our lovemaking time. Apparently, some busybody Brit seized our son from the water and brought him to the lifeguard.

She interrupted our passionate kissing by screaming at us. That lunatic was livid with us because she claimed she saved our child while she was fishing on her boat, because he had started to feel too hot and decided to swim, only to swim past the marker and get caught in a rip tide. "He would have drowned if I hadn't felt a strong compulsion for fried fish that day, not to mention the beginning symptoms of heat stroke."

Then she, the lifeguard, and the cops all gathered around us. Next thing my wife and I know, our kid is being taken, first to the hospital, then into protective custody. And we're being sent to jail for reckless endangerment and negligence!

We demand our child be returned and full compensation made! Give us a full refund for our trip! Plus an extra billion dollars for our pain and suffering! If you don't give us everything we demand, we're going to invite all the kids from our church's youth group and flood your beach with those kids.


Mr. & Mrs. C. Sless-Trysts.

catcul 10-24-2016 04:45 PM

Dear Mr. & Mrs. C. Sless-Trysts,

It was a good thing that the woman in the boat came by. Your son almost drowned as you were busy making more babies. Not only will your children become wards of the court, but we will pursue criminal charges.


Ree Fresh, Police Chief


Dear Paper Trail Book Store,

Yesterday, a customer commented on how the cashier was pregnant. She said that she was hoping to give birth to a velociraptor.

I know what you're up to. Your book store is a front for human-dinosaur experimentations. I will find irrefutable proof of your unethical behavior. Your day of reckoning is coming.


Pare A. Noid

purplecat41877 10-26-2016 06:57 AM

Dear Mr. Noid,

Ever heard of exaggeration? Enclosed is the definition.


Rita Book

Dear School Principal,

Where do you get off suspending me? All I did was publish the school bully's report card in the school newspaper. I demand you lift the suspension immediately. If you don't, I will write a report that you used to shoplift as a teenager and publish it on Facebook.


Wanda Bea Reporter

catcul 10-29-2016 10:35 PM

Dear Miss Reporter,

We will deal with the bully our way. As for publishing his report card, that is a violation of federal laws. Also, since I was never charged with shoplifting, you could be suspended or expelled for libel, which is also a violation of the law.


Principal Principle


Dear Paper Trail Book Store,

My wife, Cousen Annie Rection, decided that we needed to shop at your book store.

We were looking in the adult fiction section when we heard over the PA system, "S&M to strip. S&M to strip."

Cousen decided that the announcement was referring to me, since we were beginning our journey into BDSM. As I was taking off my shirt, Officer Johnson showed up and asked me what I was doing. I told him about the announcement, and he told me that that is not what you meant. When Officer Johnson was able to get a hold of a manager, the manager told us that the announcement wasn't meant for us. That's when Officer Johnson told us that we should probably go home before I strip.

I believe that you need to retrain your staff and managers before they use the PA system again.


Hugh G. Rection

purplecat41877 10-30-2016 04:53 AM

Dear Mr. Rection,

Thanks for bringing this to our attention. We are working on fixing this as we speak.


Megan Itright

Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off removing the self checkouts? I've been using them in order to shoplift. I demand you reinstall the self checkouts at once. If you don't, I will start smoking in the store.


Anita Steel

Kristev 11-11-2016 07:21 AM

Dear Mrs. Steel,

I see you've learned nothing from the arrest of your husband, Will Steel. He's the very reason we got rid of the self-checkouts. If you smoke in our building, we'll use our fire extinguisher to stop you. You are banned.


Artie Choke-Onitt,



Dear Sarah Micks Art & Whimsy Store,

Your store, in addition to being a world-class art supply shop, runs classes on art after hours. My wife enrolled my son into your class a few weeks back, thinking it'd be a good thing to keep him off the streets by filling up his afternoon with classes.

But then my son decides to drop the athletics I've enrolled him in, claiming he's not any good at them anyway and prefers art classes. I'm furious, but my wife tells me that she's seen how badly he's treated by his teammates and so if I won't let him leave the sports teams, she will.

Only now it's turned around to bite us in the you know where, because I caught my son talking to his younger brother, who is content to remain on his sports teams, that he means to make and sell pots. Pot! I asked him where he learned about pots and he said from you. Then he said something about making a sculpture about his favorite heroine . . . Heroin! Miss Micks, what kind of woman are you? Teaching children about drugs? Somebody needs to do something about you!

I'm going to go straight to the police, after I get out my good old retired baseball bat and bash you and every single piece of sculpture in your store! Then I'll use your own paints and markers to write on you, and all your walls, that you're teaching kids about drugs!


Mr. G. U. Esswrong.

purplecat41877 11-12-2016 08:31 AM

Dear Mr. Esswrong,

The pots being mentioned are the kind you cook with or put things in and a heroine is a female hero. I've already reported you to the police for threating me.


Sarah Micks

Dear Coffee Shop Manager,

Where do you get off being out of mocha? Don't you realize it's illegal to be out of things? I was steamed so I threw a coffee mug at your barista and stormed out. I demand you keep all required items stocked at all times, like my mocha, or I will throw all of your ceramics all over the floor.


Moe Cha

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