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Bramble 03-03-2010 01:43 AM

Dear Dude with no name,

Count yourself lucky you didn't 'trip' several time on the way to the back room as that is part of our policy. The employees in question will receive more training.

Sincerely, Stonecold Beatdown

Dear Chocolate company,

Your candy made me fat! I eat it every day and it's made me gain 100 pounds. I demand compensation for my pain and suffering or I will come and sit on you.

Sincerely, Twotun Heifer

Sunsetsky 03-03-2010 02:14 AM

Dear Ms. Heifer,

Please accept our sincerest apologies. To make up for your dissatisfaction we will be sending you a lifetime supply of chocolate.

Chocolate Company Management

Dear Burger Palace,
Today I went to your resturant and ordered a prime rib. I was informed that you were a fast food place and did not carry prime ribs and that I would have to go to a steakhouse if I wanted a prime rib. This entire experience has upset me greatly and I demand that you start selling prime ribs and allow me to eat at your establishments for free forever.

Iha Teburgrz

Lindsey 03-04-2010 05:01 PM

Dear Teburgrz,

Go to a fucking steakhouse.

Sincerely, management.


To whoever it concerns at that Waldenbooks chain:

I bought The DaVinci Code like seven months ago and forgot about it. Yesterday I found it and tried to read it and I couldn't get past page 10. I want a new book!


XCashier 03-06-2010 02:42 AM

Dear Owmyhead,

Enclosed is a copy of a book that I think will be right in your league.

Very sincerely,
I. Reed Allot, Manager, Waldenbooks


Dear Highend Store Manager,

I went to your store to do some shopping, and brought my Darling Little Precious Angel along. Well, he got a little rambunctious as children do, and your nasty mean employee yelled at him! Imagine not letting a child climb shelves and play basketball with Faberge eggs! How can you be so cruel as to curb his creative urges!

Worse, you wanted me to pay for the merchandise he damaged! Imagine, charging several thousand dollars for a few silly jeweled eggs and other trinkets! I demand that you reverse the charges, give me a gift card for a million dollars and let my Little Darling act as he will in your store, or I'll sue you!

Helena Handbasket

purplecat41877 03-08-2010 07:28 AM

Dear Mrs. Handbasket,

The reason my employee told your son not to play on the shelves is because he could've gotten hurt. Also, the items in our store are not for children to play with. We've decided not to reverse the charges and you are banned from the store until the full amount is paid. The payments are to be sent to the return address displayed on the front envelope.


Store Manager

Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I sent my 12 year old daughter to the lottery line to cash my scratch offs while I waited in line to check out. The lottery employee had the nerve to tell my daughter that I needed to be there in order to have the tickets cashed. I had to step out of line and put my cart aside so I could get my tickets cashed. I want the lottery employee fired for being rude to my daughter and a $2,000 gift card to make up for the extra stop I had to make or I will never shop at your store again.


Mrs. Lottery

DGoddessChardonnay 03-16-2010 10:45 PM

Dear Mrs. Lottery-

I'm sorry to hear of your dissatisfaction, however state law prohibits the sale or redemption of any lottery tickets by persons under the age of 21. If we are audited by the state lottery board and found to have sold or redeemed a card for an underage person, it results in not only heavy fines (which you will be charged for and will be well in excess of the $2000 gift card you requested) but also revocation of our license to sell lottery tickets, meaning you and others will have to go elsewhere for your tickets.

So your $2000 gift card will be denied.

Warmest Regards-

I R. Bitchy-
Store Manager

Dear Coffeeshop:

I've been coming to your store for several years now and up until now haven't had a complaint. My order was always ready to go before I finished ordering and everyone knew my name. Now you have a new crew in and they've not been properly trained to know each of their longtime regular customers nor their orders and today I had to wait 10 minutes (EGADS!) for my latte and I was addressed by the wrong name.

I want the entire crew replaced and the old one brought back and I also want a free latte every day for life as well as a $1500 gift card or I will end my morning ritual with your shop immediately.

I. R. Holdingmybreath

Irving Patrick Freleigh 03-16-2010 11:33 PM

Dear Holdingmybreath:

Consider your requests for compensation denied, and continue to hold your breath, because I want to watch you turn blue and pass out and bash your head on the coffee table.

I.B. Sadistic
Coffeeshop manager
Dear Toyota:

I mistook the gas pedal for the brake on my Prius and plowed into a school bus stop, killing seven youngsters and maiming and dismembering several others. I'm now being sued for ten billion dollars but plan to blame you anyway because there's been reports in the news of your cars experiencing sudden acceleration and the media will fall for it like a stock market crash.

So give me eleven billion dollars--ten billion for the judgment and one billion "just because." Or else I will buy all my cars from General Motors from now on.

Krap P. Driver

XCashier 03-17-2010 04:04 PM

Dear K. P. Driver,

And that is a threat because...?

Thank you for your letter. I will be very happy to show it to the judge and/or the media should you choose to take it there. I will also warn the president of General Motors about you.


Corolla Cavalier, president, Toyota Motors

* * * * *

Dear Store Manager,

I am writing to you regarding the rudeness of your employee. I got in line in front of another customer, and your employee rudely demanded that I get to the back of the line. I was in a hurry, everyone else can wait!

Further, I got a call while I was in line, and when I got to the register, your rude employee rudely asked me to put my stuff on the belt. She could clearly see that I was on the phone, making a very important call to my best friend Sally Ann, and ignored my "in a moment" gesture. She then had the nerve to tell me that other people were waiting! Well, what else could I do? I threw my eggs at her, tipped the cart over and stomped out the door.

I was treated shamefully, and I demand compensation! Give me $100,000, free groceries for the rest of my life and have the rude little bitch publicly decapitated and her head spiked on the flagpole in front of your store, or I'll never set food in your store again!


Bette R. Thanyou

DGoddessChardonnay 03-28-2010 01:03 AM

Dear Ms. Thanyou-

I'm so sorry to hear you had such an unfortunate incident in one of our stores.

But don't fret . . . I have some rather exciting news for you. It turns out you are the winner of our Super Secret Getaway From it All sweepstakes.

On Friday, April 2, 2010 we will send a special car to pick you up at your residence at 8 a.m. sharp and, with your well-oiled, muscular bodyguards dressed in crisp white from head to toe will take you on a magical journey to the psychiatric weekly spa where you'll get the Royal Treatment . . .your own specially padded room with a view, a snuggly huggy jacket to wear and you'll get all the relaxing sedatives and tranquilizers you can stand.

BTW, cell phones aren't allowed at the spa . . . so you'll have to surrender yours or the staff there will have to perform a hysterectomy to remove it from your behind.

In short, your claims are laughable and denied.


Bette R. Bitch
Regional Manager

Dear Neighborhood Drugstore-

I wuz in your store last Friday nite at 10 p.m. to get my Oxycoitin filled and I wuz refused my drugs 'cus you wuz closed. Dat's hating on a bro whose sik and need meds. When I tolds the dumbass bitch behind da counta what I needs, she tol me to leave or she'd call the po-po on my azz. When I tries to reason with her, telling her "you aint' gotta be like that cracker bitch - I just wants my drugz, and I go to shows her my ID from my pocket, I gots three po-pos behind me with guns drawn telling me to put down my weapon. I ain't gots no weapon, but they didn't listen and dragged my azz off to jail for no good reason.

I want my bail paid for, I wants a lawyer that ain't racist, and I wantz my drugs.

Or I goes to the newsmedia and tell 'em your racist

I. Wanna Beagansta

Lace Neil Singer 03-29-2010 08:16 PM

Dear Mr Begansta,

Thank you for this confession; I have mailed it right away to the solicitor managing our case against you. Be assured, he will use it wisely.


Ms Couldnotgiveadamn.

Dear Pizza Parlour,

I came into your pizza place the other day and tried to place an order. I wanted a large Meat Feast and a garlic bread, like I always have. The girl behind the counter then had the cheek to tell me that they had run out of garlic bread! Of course, I didn't believe her; it's obvious she dropped out of high school if she's working there and she can't count.

I demand free pizzas, garlic bread and a 50 gift voucher to soothe my injured feelings.


Mr U N Reasonable.

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