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Lace Neil Singer 12-21-2009 07:06 PM

Dear Ms Readsigns,

Since the store ended up burning completely to the ground, I'm afraid we can't give you the pound of flesh you want. However, feel free to come and loot the burned out husk of our store; tho you'll be hard pressed to get anything after our dispossessed staff have been there.


Transferred To Another Branch

Dear Pet Store Manager,

I went into your store today with my mischievious twin boys. Since I had other shopping to attend to in the mall, I left my sons in your store so they could look at the animals while I shopped. I was incensed when there came over the mall tannoy an announcement asking me to return to your store to collect my sons. I have never been so humiliated in all my life, and I demand a gift card or I will never shop in your store again.


Ima Badmother.

Irving Patrick Freleigh 12-21-2009 07:19 PM

Dear Badmother:

Thank you for informing us of your issue, and for providing us your address to send the giftcard to. CPS is on their way.

Pet Store Corporate Drone #4F2-917GK

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Dear Shameless Peddlers of Filth:

When reading your magazines, I do not notice one wrinkled face, liver spot, or toothless grin. You perverts ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

To the people of Cosmopolitan Magazine, from some crotchety old fart

Lace Neil Singer 12-21-2009 07:39 PM

Dear Crotchety Old Fart,

You must have not noticed the GILF magazines that our sister company provides; in order to correct this gaping error, I am sending you our latest issue along with a year's prescription. Enjoy.

Yours Sincerely,

Cosmopolitan Magazine

Dear Pizza Place,

I noticed that one of the workers in the shop has blue hair. This is disgraceful and I am quite shocked. Please do something about this at once.


Mr Oldgit.

Ironclad Alibi 12-21-2009 10:16 PM

Dear Mr. Oldgit,

Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We have taken steps to ensure all of our employees have the regulation blue hair according to our corporate standards.

Blue Hair Pizza Shop Manager.


Dear Lions Club President,

I paid $5 to attend your fund raising Bazaar last week. I did not not see a single lion in the entire show. I feel ripped off. I want a full refund.

A. Nitpicker

Lace Neil Singer 12-21-2009 10:45 PM

Dear Mr Nitpicker,

We have asked Simba, the lion president of our club if he would consider refunding your money; he growled at us and attempted to eat us. So I'm afraid the answer must be no. Note also that our club is a club for lions, not a lion show, so there was no false advertising. If you wish to dispute this, please feel free to come and speak to Simba in person. He would love to meet you.


Human President Of Lions Club

Dear Supermarket manager,

I demand that you play Christian music instore instead of that dreadful Christmas popular music you insist on playing. By doing so, you are taking the Christ out of Christmas.

Yours sincerely,

Moaning Minnie.

ralerin 12-22-2009 02:20 AM


Quoth Lace Neil Singer (Post 663296)
Since the store ended up burning completely to the ground, I'm afraid we can't give you the pound of flesh you want.

Off topic for 2 seconds, but Merchant of Venice ftw?

Back on topic.

Dear Ms. Minnie,

We apologize, but most of our staff is Pagan or Satanist and I am Jewish. We do not appreciate you stomping on OUR rights to enjoy OUR holidays. Christmas is based on several pagan solar day festivals, such as Saturnalia, Yuletide and the birth of Mithras on December 25. Due to the lack of suitable pagan songs for the occasion, we have to make do with what we have. If you are still not satisfied, we have earplugs in aisle 12, or several CDs of lovely music by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, along with CD players and batteries, in aisle 24.

Happy Hanukah and Blessed Solstice,

Chaim David.


Dear Burger Hut,

I find your slogan, "Coz it's there" to be highly offensive. As both a popular author and renowned teacher at Big Honking University, the spelling of the word "Coz" to annoy my delicate sensitivities. The phrase should be "Because it's there" to be grammatically correct. I wish for this glaring typo to be fixed or I will advertise a chain wide boycott on my blog, Facebook and Twitter pages.

With warm regards,

John Derriere

Irving Patrick Freleigh 12-22-2009 02:30 AM

Dear Mr. Derriere:

Thank you for bringing this error to our attention. To ensure it does not happen again, we have changed our slogan to "Fuck you, I'm eating!"

Burger The Hut

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Dear Big Stu's House of Clothes N' Stuff:

I bought a powder blue tuxedo from you in 1977. I went to put the tuxedo on this evening, because it's Prime Rib night at the supper club and I wanted to wear something special, and the pants split right in the seat!

"One Size Fits All" my butt! I may have gained about 60 pounds since I last wore that tuxedo, but that does not excuse you from selling an obviously defective product.

Gimme a refund for the tuxedo since I cannot wear it anymore, and store credit or else I'll take my business to The Plaid Palace from now on.

Hubert Jass

XCashier 12-22-2009 10:36 AM


Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh (Post 663491)
To ensure it does not happen again, we have changed our slogan to "Fuck you, I'm eating!"

Idiocracy FTW! :D

Dear Mr. Jass,

Regarding your request: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


And good luck taking your business to the Plaid Palace, as they closed down in 1985.

Welcome to the 21st century.

Big Stu

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Shop Mart,

I was in your store yesterday, waiting in line to buy a cartful of stuff, when the customer in front of me grabbed his chest, gasped and slumped to the floor. Several employees and managers swarmed all around him, making calls on the cellphone and pumping his chest. Fifteen minutes later, two paramedics had put him on a stretcher and wheeled him out of the store.

Meanwhile, I was ignored! I am a loyal customer of two months, waiting to purchase lots of things, and I was pushed aside for you to tend to that drama queen! How dare you ignore a paying customer!

I am outraged at your insensitivity, and I won't return to your store unless you give me a $10,000 gift card and free gasoline for a year.

Ann Titlement-Whore

Gibbo 12-22-2009 01:33 PM

Dear Mrs Titlement-Whore

I'm sorry that you think that you feel that you were inconvenienced in this way and that you think that your shopping is more important than trying to prevent the death of our other paying customers.

After consideration I have decided that there is no way in hell that I am going to give you, who thinks that it was insensitive to attend to someone in distress rather than treat you like the princess that you are, what you want. So clear off somewhere else.

Shop Mart

Dear Superstore Manager

I attended your closing down sale and was outraged to discover that everything was ONLY 60% off! When a store closes you should pass it on to your customers! Yes I along with many others stopped attending your store to go to the cheaper competitors store down the road several years ago, but when we found out you were closing we came here to see what bargains we could pick up on the cheap, and we were all angry to discover that even when you are closing forever, you still weren't prepared to put your customers first at the expense of everything else.

I demand a full apology for the distress this caused me or I will never shop with you again, and I mean it!


A. Skinflint.

hinakiba777 12-22-2009 07:24 PM

Dear Skinflint,

Before I address your concerns I have a few of my own. Primarily, how the hell did you get my home address?

The store closed down three months ago, with all new mail being delivered to corporate, yet I wake up to find this among my Holiday cards. I'm actually quite scared at the moment.

It truly saddens me to hear you will not be shopping at our store anymore. Almost as much as it saddens me that no one will be shopping at our store anymore. As it has been closed, for three months.

Thank you for your completely empty threat;
Ms. Manager

To the management of Belle's Gowns and Dresses;

The other day I went to your store to purchase a size 9 ballgown to wear to my sister's holiday party. I was shocked to find that NONE of your size 9 dresses fit.

I demanded the sales girl search the store for a size 9 that would fit me, and she has the audacity to tell me to try on a size 11. ELEVEN

I am not some bloated cow who doesn't know how to put away the fork when she sees a slice of cake, no matter what the snotty brats you employ may think. I have never been so hurt in all my life.

I demand a full apology in the form for a minute long TV spot during the Super Bowl, a $100,000,000 gift certificate, the immediate extermination of that horrible sales girl, and a lovely size 9 gown for free. And this one had better fit.

My brother's wife's best friend's hairdresser knows the secretary of the biggest law firm in town. If you don't give into my totally reasonable demands, I will sue you for everything you are worth.

Suevera Huffy

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