The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Turr,

You cheated on all 3 exams by using index cards during the exam. Therefore, you will have to wait 6 months to take all 3.

Sincerely,

E. X. Aminer
Manger



Dear Soap Store Manager,

I came into your store to buy some of your lovely soaps. However, I was offended to see one of your employees serving a teenage girl. She was saying something about wanting to put a soap basket together for her grandparents 50th anniversary but I'm pretty sure that she was actually planning to use the soap to cause trouble. I demand a $2000 gift card and free soaps for life. I also want you to stop serving customers under 21 since teenagers are trouble and kids are horrible. If you don't do what I want, I will pour bleach on your soaps.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Soapy

[Kristev]

Dear Soap Store Manager,

I came into your store to buy some of your lovely soaps. However, I was offended to see one of your employees serving a teenage girl. She was saying something about wanting to put a soap basket together for her grandparents 50th anniversary but I'm pretty sure that she was actually planning to use the soap to cause trouble. I demand a $2000 gift card and free soaps for life. I also want you to stop serving customers under 21 since teenagers are trouble and kids are horrible. If you don't do what I want, I will pour bleach on your soaps.

Sincerely,

Dear Mrs. Soapy,

We have absolutely no evidence that the teenage girl had any intentions of doing anything other than picking up a custom "Sugar & Spice" gift basket for her grandparents. In particular, we are proud of our "Sugar & Spice" line, which combines rugged, manly scents for him such as cinnamon, as well as gentle, relaxing scents for her such as lavender.

I cannot give you a gift card on such shoddy evidence, nor will I accept your unfair ageism. We sell soap and bodywashes, not liquor. However, please allow me to send you a free sample of our "Melt my troubles away" vanilla-caramel scented bath soaps.

Signed,

Flora Aroma, owner of Garden of Paradise soap & body wash shop.

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Dear Kay's Mart mismanagement team,

I am writing to let you know just how angry I am at the way I was treated in your store yesterday.

I'd gone into your store using my neighbor's Shop However You Like rewards card. After all, he died last year. It's not like he'll need it. I simply took his cards before his family came into his house and looted everything . . .

Enough digression. As I was saying, I'd gone into your store to go do my Christmas shopping, and I found a bunch of great deals. I put them all in my cart, and I had to throw a little boy, kick a man out of my way to get the last Barbara doll, and push an old woman in a walker out of my way to get the latest Mary Otter book.

I also found some terrific bargains for my wife in your clothing section, a charming necklace for my daughter, and a bunch of terrific stuff for me. I'd prepared to buy nearly half the store, when just as I was going in make the purchase, as I offered the rewards card and gave my name to your nice cashier, Robert, suddenly another girl who was on her lunch break got into line, Alison. She worked at your store too, and said to me "Hi, Mr. O'Goode."

Hi, Mr. O'Goode? How dare she? The name on the "Shop However You Like" card, and on the credit card I was going to pay for everything on, was Mr. Gene Urosity, and Gene was my neighbor for seventeen years until he died.

Well, when Robert questioned me about my name, I told him I was Mr. Urosity, but Alison continued to insist that I was Mr. O'Goode. Suddenly a black woman with a kid who had also been Christmas shopping, and your store security man both came running up to me.

The black woman pointed me out, saying "There's the man, officer!" And then the security goon ran up to me and grabbed the clothing I'd picked out for my wife. He had the nerve to tell me, in front of everyone, that the black lady and her kid had seen me switching tags on the clothing. Why should I pay a thousand dollars for mere Kay's Mart garbage clothing when I could pay merely thirty dollars with a simple pricetag correction? And then, to make matters worse, the security goon also pulled my daughter's necklace out of my pocket, saying I clearly had no intention of paying it.

Suddenly Robert stopped being nice and called for the manager, while the security goon sent Alison to go call the police. I rammed my card into the security goon, hit Robert with the baseball bat I was going to buy for my son, and ran out of the store, breaking the vending machines with the bat on my way out.

I demand that all the things I wanted be sent to me, for free, in a big box by tomorrow, that Robert, the security goon, and Alison all be fired for being so rude, and that the black woman have to come here and serve me as a maid for Christmas Eve and Christmas! I also want a million dollars and the return of all Mr. Urosity's cards.

If you refuse, I happen to know Miss Yenta Gossip of the Scandal Sheets television program, and I will go on her show and tell the whole story! Oh yes, I will! She'll bring the wrath of the consumer down on Kay's Mart. She did it before with Shoes for Less when she found out the only thing less at Shoes for Less is that they shrank the shoes they sold but charged people for the original price anyway! Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Signed,
Mr. Upton O'Goode.

[KatherineB]

Dear Mr O'Goode

One thing you failed to mention is that you are a complete lunatic and that all the things you mentioned only happened in your imagination due to you actually being locked up in the local asylum. I have made sure to provide a copy of your letter to your case officer and the manager of the asylum so that your violent tendencies may be taken into consideration at your next review.

Oh, and if you think anything you are demanding will happen, you must be even more insane that your records already indicate you are.

Yours sincerely

Voi So Reason
Kay's Mart

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To the CEO of Happy Night Hotels

I was a customer at one of your hotels last week and was checking out when I saw a terrible scene. One of the other customers was screaming and yelling at the poor young girl at the counter, who was clearly upset and in tears at the fact that she was being screamed at and threatened by the old hag. Another receptionist, who had been serving me, stepped in to help, but was also screamed at. When the manager finally arrived, I was expecting a proper resolution, but what happened? The manager blamed her staff and offered the guest a refund!

The reason for my letter is that I demand you sack the spineless manager who let the abusive guest stay for free. If she can get free accommodation, so should I. In fact, I insist on receiving an entire year's worth of accommodation at your hotel, as well as a second complimentary room for your one-time hotel employee who is now working for me as my private secretary. Otherwise I will cancel my gold membership and go to every newspaper I can find. Whose money is worth more, Mr Moneybags CEO - that screaming harpy's or mine?

Yours sincerely,

Ms S on behalf Mr V. Richman.

(Hey, we can dream, right? )

[catcul]

Dear Ms. S,

Mr. V. Richman is a good friend of mine. When he left his key cards with the front desk, the only other person was a contractor who was upgrading some of our equipment. He was not yelling. It seems the only person getting fired is you. Enjoy your stay on the unemployment line.

Sincerely,

Howard Johnson, Chief Executive Officer, Happy Night Hotels

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Dear Roger Goodell,

How could you let last Sunday's game happen in those conditions? The wind was blowing out of the west at 50 mph. My favorite team's field goal kicker was about to kick a 30 yard for the win. When he kicked it, it was going straight down the middle of the goal posts when the wind made the football make an extreme right turn. My team lost by two points because the weather.

I demand that you give me season tickets to my team's games.

Sincerely,

Wendy Blohard

[Tyg3rW01f]

Mrs. Blohard
We at the Triago Flares advise you take your complaint to a MUCH Higher Power. There's a Roman Catholic church just a block from your home that might be able to arrange such a meeting.
Regards,
Traigo Flares Public Relations

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((Somebody else please come up with a complaint... my brain just blanked out on me.))

[catcul]

Dear Happy Pet Supply Store,

I was in your store the other day and I was appalled that another customer brought a cat into your store. I went to find a manager and asked him to kick that evil customer and that furry demon. When the manager confronted them, that demon cat started rubbing its chin on the managers hand. Then that moron manager turned to me and told me that neither that evil man nor the demon cat because they weren't bothering anyone.

I demand that you give me $500 in dog supplies. I also demand that you fire that idiot manager.

Sincerely,

Stacy German Shepherd

[XCashier]

Dear Ms. Shepherd,

I remember you. You have that big, filthy, badly matted dog that's infested with fleas, lifts his leg on every aisle in the store and has bitten three of our employees. Yet you complain about a friendly, clean, well-behaved little cat.

I shouldn't do this, but for the sake of your dog, I'm sending you coupons good for one free grooming, one free flea dip and a session of obedience classes. Please get your dog treated and teach him to behave or neither he nor you will be welcome in our store anymore. Furthermore, if I see any more evidence of neglecting your dog, I will inform the SPCA about you.

Sincerely,
Jack Russell-Terrier, general manager,
Happy Pet Supply Store

* * * * *

Dear Furniture Store,

I bought a new desk at your downtown location. I told the cashier to load it into my car, and she said that she couldn't lift it! Gave me some silly excuse about being eight months pregnant. Who cares about her future welfare dependant, I just spent $200 on a manicure and I didn't want to chip my perfect nails! I had to wait a whole three minutes for another employee, who's probably her baby-daddy and just as useless, to come up to take my new desk out to my car! Then he said that he couldn't fit the desk in my Mini Cooper and had the audacity to try to sell me on your free delivery! Well, that just won't do.

I demand that you fire those two idiots and give me all new, absolutely perfect furniture for my house, the most expensive stuff you've got, or I'll tell my lawyer husband to sue you!

Sincerely,
Airra Gant-Snob

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Gant-Snob,

That cashier is actually a senior in college. She's taking a break before taking her capstone course, so she doesn't have to interrupt a class to have her baby. The stock boy has been with us for only a month, so it is highly unlikely he is her baby's father. We have delivered your desk to your address. A man by the name of Evi Gant signed the invoice saying that you have received your desk.

As your husband would tell you, you don't have a leg to stand on.

Sincerely,

Ed Shaker, Store Manager, Archdale Furniture Outlet

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Dear Chief Information Officer,

I had a problem with my laptop so I called the Information Technology department. I told them the make, model, and serial number. The rude support person told me that they only support company computers and they won't help with mine. So what if it's my personal computer? Since I work here, I should have the IT staff fix my computer.

I demand that you fire the support guy, and you find someone to fix my computer, or I'm going to report you to the CEO.

Sincerely,

Benny Scrooge

[Kit-Ginevra]

Dear Ms. Shepherd,

I remember you. You have that big, filthy, badly matted dog that's infested with fleas, lifts his leg on every aisle in the store and has bitten three of our employees. Yet you complain about a friendly, clean, well-behaved little cat.

I shouldn't do this, but for the sake of your dog, I'm sending you coupons good for one free grooming, one free flea dip and a session of obedience classes. These are for you and your dog,who would both benefit from them Please get your dog treated and teach him to behave or neither he nor you will be welcome in our store anymore. Furthermore, if I see any more evidence of neglecting your dog, I will inform the SPCA about you.

Sincerely,
Jack Russell-Terrier, general manager,
Happy Pet Supply Store

* * * * *

Just to help out

[XCashier]

Just to help out

Pity we can't offer obedience classes for SC's.

"No yelling at the employees!" (whack on nose with rolled-up newspaper)

[Tyg3rW01f]

Aaaand the complaint we need address next iiiiiiiiiiiis...

Dear Chief Information Officer,

I had a problem with my laptop so I called the Information Technology department. I told them the make, model, and serial number. The rude support person told me that they only support company computers and they won't help with mine. So what if it's my personal computer? Since I work here, I should have the IT staff fix my computer.

I demand that you fire the support guy, and you find someone to fix my computer, or I'm going to report you to the CEO.

Sincerely,

Benny Scrooge

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Scrooge,

Our IT department is only authorized to fix the computers that are part of the business so no one is getting fired. If you want your personal computer fixed, go to a computer store.

Sincerely,

C. Omputer
Chief Information Officer



Dear State Prison,

I recently came to visit my boyfriend who is serving time for robbing a bank. When I was there, I was offended that we were separated by a glass window and that we had to use a phone to talk to each other. I demand from now on when I visit my boyfriend that you put us in a private room so we can make out all we want. If you don't agree to this, I will hack into the system and unlock his cell door so he can escape and be with me.

Sincerely,

Miss Loyalgirlfriend

[catcul]

Dear Miss Loyalgirlfriend,

What you described is a reserved for lawyers talking to their clients or investigators. We make sure that violent offenders are not able to escape. Also, your boyfriend has been transported to Franklin Pierce Federal Penitentiary, four states away. Also, our network of door locks is not connected to the internet, so it would be impossible to open any cell door from outside the prison. We have sent a police unit to your house to give you a warning about making threats to prisons.

Sincerely,

Lyle Bolton, Warden, Alexander Jackson State Penitentiary

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Dear Right Health Drug Store,

I bought a banana and a box of condoms nine months ago. Yesterday, my girlfriend had her baby, and the baby looks just like me. I don't understand how this could have happened. I put the condom over the banana so my girlfriend would not get pregnant while we were having sex. Obviously, either the condom or the banana was defective.

I demand that you pay for my baby daughter's support for the next 18 years, or I will take all the condoms and bananas out in the parking lot and destroy them in a bonfire.

Sincerely,

Hugh G. Rection

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Rection,

The bananas are supposed to be for practice and you're supposed to use protection when "doing it" with your girlfriend so neither was defective as far as we know. If you need help with support, I would suggest asking yours or hers parents or the government.

Sincerely,

C. H. Ildren
Health Drug Store



Dear Movie Company Manager,

My 8 year old daughter recently auditioned for a part in a movie and broke down when she didn't get it. I'm offended that you allow your employees to break children's hearts when they come to audition for your movies. I demand you put my daughter in a movie without an audition. If you don't, I will set fire to the movie sets, costumes, and scripts.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Protective

[Kit-Ginevra]

*follow up from Mr.Rection* Dear Sir, I KNOW the bananas are for practise with my girlfriend.She just won't let me.I thought at first she was being helpful and joining in the spirit of the game when she asked me 'Do I want to know where I can put that d*** banana.' She wasn't.And then we had a trip to ER to remove it and to deal with my black eye...for which I also hold you personally responsible...