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  • Days of the Living Stupids.

    I'm a bartender in a tourist town. I'm surprised I don't get more of this stuff to report. Part of that may because I work the day shift. But still.....

    Dumb. James Dumb.

    HIM: [orders a martini]
    ME: "Would you like that up or on the rocks?"
    HIM: "Cold."

    Liar! Liar! Coupons on Fire!

    So these two guys sit at the bar and order a couple beers. And then....this.
    LIAR: "So our concierge at our hotel [he named the hotel and concierge very specifically] said that they ran out of the two for one coupons for you guys, but that you'd honor it without the coupon."
    ME: "I'm sorry, gentleman, but I'm afraid he was wrong."
    LIAR: "Well, he sounded very authoritative."
    ME: "People who are wrong often do."

    Now, while I wouldn't doubt that there are dumb concierges in this town--there certainly are--I'm pretty sure these guys were lying through their teeth about this. The 10% tip on their beers didn't help me believe them any, either.

    My Douche Best Friend

    Saturday evening. It was busy, so I was being held to work with the mid-shift bartender until the closer arrived. Group of 7 loud and obnoxious folks sit down. One of them is louder and more obnoxious than the others. He instantly decided he's my new best friend. He was wrong, of course, but I'll feed them and get them their drinks and then never have to see them again. On multiple occasions, I had to tell these people that I couldn't hear them if two or more were yelling at me at one time. They were so obviously idiotic and obnoxious that as soon as they walked in and started to sit down, Nice Guy Eddie walked to the other end of the bar to help other customers so that he wouldn't have to help these nitwits, leaving them to me. I can't say I blamed him.

    Near the end of their meal, My Douche Best Friend reaches into his bag and pulls out a t-shirt, which has a map of the USA, the phrase "Fuck off! We're full!" on the map, and below that, "#TRUMP2016" printed on it. And My Douche Best Friend starts literally waving the shirt in my face and saying, "Oh, I bet you don't like that shirt, huh?" This despite the fact that I had not uttered one word of political opinion on any matter the entire time they'd been there because, as I told him point blank at that point, "I don't discuss politics while I'm working, sir." He said, "That's not politics." ME: "Sir, it's a Trump shirt. He's running for President. That makes it politics, and something I don't discuss while I'm working." HIM: "Well, I bet you don't like this, huh?" ME: [making a completely indifferent expression] "I really don't care either way, sir."

    And then this guy, who is Mr. Friendly and thinks he's so witty and funny, who is waving around the shirt of a billionaire political candidate, says that he'll get the bill for all 7 of them. The bill of $235. I was only surprised by the 13% tip in the sense that I was surprised it was so high.

    If you're gonna be one of the people who say it's time to make America great again, stop being one of the reasons America isn't great right now.

    The Tipping Game

    That same night, I started a new game with Nice Guy Eddie, that I call The Tipping Game. I'd describe the customers and the situation, tell Eddie the bill total, and see if he could guess the tip. Since he's been doing this for quite a while himself, he was surprisingly on or close to being on with most of them. This is what happens when you've been behind the bar for nine hours and are dealing with idiots most of that time.

    If Giving Up Were An Art Form, He'd Be Picasso

    HIM: "I'd like a rum drink."
    ME: "Here's our specialty drink menu, most of which are rum cocktails."
    HIM: "Screw it. I'll have a Bloody Mary."

    Putting The What The F? in Sports Fan

    HIM: "Can I get a game on this TV?"
    ME: [puts game on TV directly in front of him]
    HIM: "Can I also get this game on that TV, so when I turn my head that way, I can see it?"
    ME: [stares at him]

    An All Too Common Question

    THEM: "Wow, this is great rum that you suggested. Do you know if they sell it in Michigan?"
    ME: "I have no idea."
    THEM: "Do you think they might?"
    ME: "I really have no idea. Because I live in, you know, Florida."

    Fads Are Fine. People Are Stupid.

    THEM: "Do you have any gluten free items?"
    ME: "Yep. Everything marked with THAT symbol on them menu is gluten free."
    THEM: "Do you know if any of the other items are gluten free?"
    Note to Mods: We really need a flat expression staring emoticon for stories like these. Because I use that expression behind the bar A LOT.

    "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
    Still A Customer."


  • #2
    Quoth Jester View Post

    Liar! Liar! Coupons on Fire!

    So these two guys sit at the bar and order a couple beers. And then....this.
    LIAR: "So our concierge at our hotel [he named the hotel and concierge very specifically] said that they ran out of the two for one coupons for you guys, but that you'd honor it without the coupon."
    ME: "I'm sorry, gentleman, but I'm afraid he was wrong."
    LIAR: "Well, he sounded very authoritative."
    ME: "People who are wrong often do."
    A two for one coupon at a bar? I have never heard of such a thing. I wonder if you had said that you would "honor" it for their 2 beers if LIAR would have told you that the coupon was good for their entire order.

    Comment


    • #3
      This post had me laughing my head off omg

      First of all, the title reminds me of my neighbors. Hmm, they've been quiet all day, maybe they're visiting your bar...

      And this:
      If you're gonna be one of the people who say it's time to make America great again, stop being one of the reasons America isn't great right now.
      A perfect sig!

      The gluten-free guy God, don't you hate it when people do that?!!

      Idiots, all of them.
      When you start at zero, everything's progress.

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth Jester View Post
        Dumb. James Dumb.

        HIM: [orders a martini]
        ME: "Would you like that up or on the rocks?"
        HIM: "Cold."
        I love it. What did you give him?

        What I hate is when random customers try to get political. None of the employees will engage them, and most of the other customers avert their eyes. Every once in a while another vocal person will join in, and then we all have to listen to them agree with each other. It's very awkward regardless of their leanings, I have been known to jump in with something completely nonsensical like "hey, I heard *local ski area* is going to get a foot of snow before the weekend, anyone going up there?" And even if everyone just stares at me, it's still better than politics.
        Replace anger management with stupidity management.

        Comment


        • #5
          Here you go, jester:

          ._.

          I have seen a "smiley" like that, but it was long long ago in a galaxy that existed before I started collecting Social Security.

          If our beloved forum goes down the tubes, you and Arga should start a blog together...
          I don’t have enough middle fingers to show you how I feel about you.
          - Twitter, via Boredpanda.com, via Youtube

          Right. Well. When you manage to pull the concussed deer of your intellect away from the oncoming headlights of life let me know. - Grave keeper

          Comment


          • #6
            I could not do your job Jester. I don't like drunks. If I ever put in my notice at my hotel, I plan on spending my last two weeks informing the drunks that show up at my desk at 9am wreaking of booze that we are sold out. Also that they stink.
            "I try to be curious about everything, even things that don't interest me." -Alex Trebek

            Comment


            • #7
              So Jester, what is your favorite commonly-available rum? (By "commonly available", I mean one that you could buy in a liquor store with a decent selection, but does not specialize in rum.)

              My personal favorite (although I haven't tried that many) is Admiral Rodney from St Lucia, which unfortunate is only sold in the USVI, or by special order. (At least, it's by special order here in NC)

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth WishfulSpirit View Post
                I could not do your job Jester. I don't like drunks. If I ever put in my notice at my hotel, I plan on spending my last two weeks informing the drunks that show up at my desk at 9am wreaking of booze that we are sold out. Also that they stink.
                "Oh I'm sorry, it appears that our olfactory sensors at the front door have pinged the odour eminating from you as well above the maximum limit for offensive scents, as well your current state of inebriation prevents me from renting a room to you due to new insurance restrictions, so you're out of luck at the moment.

                Please sober up, have a good long shower (or three) and try again later."

                Comment


                • #9
                  LOLOLOLOLLO! Can I use that for the people that come in with almost-visible stink lines due to their use of bad weed? Just because it's legal here doesn't mean you need to go THAT overboard folks. Pace yourselves. It's the principle of too many cookies (or in this case, brownies) will make you sick.
                  "I try to be curious about everything, even things that don't interest me." -Alex Trebek

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth Jester View Post
                    If you're gonna be one of the people who say it's time to make America great again, stop being one of the reasons America isn't great right now.
                    Stealing this quote. Stealing it so hard.
                    Random Doctor Who quote:
                    "I'm sorry about your coccyx, too, Miss Grant."

                    I has a gallery: deviantART gallery.
                    I also has a "funny" blog: Aqu Improves Her Craft

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth Jester View Post
                      If you're gonna be one of the people who say it's time to make America great again, stop being one of the reasons America isn't great right now.
                      Ooh! great signature!
                      Quoth MoonCat View Post
                      A perfect sig!
                      Well, phooey, someone got to it before I did.
                      Quoth Jester View Post
                      THEM: "Wow, this is great rum that you suggested. Do you know if they sell it in Michigan?"
                      ME: "I have no idea."
                      THEM: "Do you think they might?"
                      ME: "I really have no idea. Because I live in, you know, Florida."
                      Custy, just write the name of the rum down and look it up later. Chances are, there is a website and that would tell you where it's sold.
                      Quoth Jester View Post
                      Note to Mods: We really need a flat expression staring emoticon for stories like these. Because I use that expression behind the bar A LOT.
                      Usually people use this: :| And yes, there should be a smiley for that.
                      I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
                      My LiveJournal
                      A page we can all agree with!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I mean, technically James Dumb answered the question. Ice would definitely make it cold!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          If you're gonna be one of the people who say it's time to make America great again, stop being one of the reasons America isn't great right now.
                          +Eleventy-billion and a bag of chips.

                          Custy, just write the name of the rum down and look it up later. Chances are, there is a website and that would tell you where it's sold.
                          I had a bartender at a wine bar serve me a wine I really liked, and she brought the bottle out so I could photograph the label and find it later.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I've done the "take a picture of the bottle" thing as well!

                            My favorite rum so far was a Stroh butterscotch rum. My friends bought it as part of a grocery run. They thought the big "80" on the label meant 80 proof--actually, it meant 80% alcohol, 160 proof! I loved sipping it, just the tiniest bit would vaporize in your mouth and head down your throat with a warm/cold sweetness... And it was quite deadly when mixed into eggnog....
                            “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged.
                            One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world.
                            The other, of course, involves orcs." -- John Rogers

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Quoth Slave to the Phone View Post
                              A two for one coupon at a bar? I have never heard of such a thing. I wonder if you had said that you would "honor" it for their 2 beers if LIAR would have told you that the coupon was good for their entire order.
                              Such two for one coupons are relatively common down here, actually. Tourist town and such. Most have some restrictions on them. Ours have a maximum value, which only means if you exceed that value, you just pay the difference.

                              As for a two for one coupon for an entire order, we DON'T have those, so they would have been just as shit out of luck with that attempt as they were with theirs.

                              Quoth notalwaysright View Post
                              I love it. What did you give him?
                              I don't remember, actually, since it really doesn't matter. Probably gave it to him on the rocks, though.

                              Quoth notalwaysright View Post
                              What I hate is when random customers try to get political. None of the employees will engage them, and most of the other customers avert their eyes. Every once in a while another vocal person will join in, and then we all have to listen to them agree with each other. It's very awkward regardless of their leanings....
                              My coworkers and I generally could give half a shit or less if our customers discuss politics among themselves, whatever our thoughts or leanings on the matter may be. It's when they try to involve us in their nonsense that we get irritated.

                              Quoth paxillated View Post
                              If our beloved forum goes down the tubes, you and Arga should start a blog together...
                              I'd certainly consider it. Arga?

                              Quoth sirwired View Post
                              So Jester, what is your favorite commonly-available rum? (By "commonly available", I mean one that you could buy in a liquor store with a decent selection, but does not specialize in rum.)

                              My personal favorite (although I haven't tried that many) is Admiral Rodney from St Lucia, which unfortunate is only sold in the USVI, or by special order. (At least, it's by special order here in NC)
                              I love how your favorite rum does not in any way fit the criteria you sets down for me.

                              Sadly, there is no easy answer to your question, as not only do liquor stores vary store by store, but availability varies region to region, especially in some states that have strict liquor laws, state-run liquor stores, and/or low demand for good rum.

                              But I'll offer some suggestions, noting that your local liquor store may or may not be able to get these.
                              Favorite rums from a major corporation: Pyrat XO Reserve (owned and distributed by Patron), Bacardi Reserva Limitada (thanks, Accounting Drone!), and Captain Morgan's Private Stock (my first sipping rum).
                              Some others that may be available nationally, based on the fact that they're made by foreign and thus not unique to one region of the U.S., but (some) are still affordably priced so may be in the better liquor stores, and some of them I've seen in liquor stores in other states: Zacapa Centenario 23, El Dorado 12, 15, 21, and 25, Pampero Anniversario, Zaya Gran Reserva, Centenario 20, 25, and 30, Pusser's 15, Atlantico Private Cask, Mount Gay Extra Old, Mount Gay 1703 (Mount Gay seems to be putting the year of their founding, 1703, on almost all their bottles these days, but this is a beautiful 30 year old sipping rum in a shorter and wider decanter style bottle, and usually retails for about $100 or so), Dos Maderas P.X. 5+5, Dos Maderas 5+3, Angostura 1919 (NOT the older and more expensive 1824, oddly), Angostura #1, any of the Brinley Gold Shipwreck flavored rums (Coconut, Mango, Lime, Coffee, and especially Vanilla, but NOT their Spiced), Kilo Kai Spiced Rum, Chairman's Reserve Spiced Rum, Chairman's Reserve Rum, Santa Teresa 1796, Abuelo Centuria, Penny Blue XO, Matusalem Gran Reserva 15 and Gran Reserva 18, Diplomatico Exclusiva Reserva (not to be confused with the more pedestrian Reserva), and Flor de Cana 12 and 18.

                              There, THAT should be a great starting list!

                              Quoth aqutalion View Post
                              Stealing this quote. Stealing it so hard.
                              Seems a lot of people are. Go for it. Give me credit when you can, but regardless, have fun with it.

                              Quoth otter View Post
                              I mean, technically James Dumb answered the question. Ice would definitely make it cold!
                              As would having it "up," which is shaken over ice and then strained.

                              Quoth manybellsdown View Post
                              I had a bartender at a wine bar serve me a wine I really liked, and she brought the bottle out so I could photograph the label and find it later.
                              This happens so often at my bar, I couldn't even tell you how often. Hell, several times a shift, I'm sure. The majority of the time we turn someone on to a new rum they like,really.

                              Quoth Nunavut Pants View Post
                              And it was quite deadly when mixed into eggnog....
                              Sounds delicious, though I'll stick to my Brinley Vanilla in homemade eggnog, thank you very much. I've actually been able to convert people who claimed to not like eggnog with this particularly magical concoction.

                              "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
                              Still A Customer."

                              Comment

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