The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[XCashier]

Dear Ms. Grinchy,

It's a violation of the fire code to have a real tree inside a public building. However, you could've stepped outside and enjoyed the scent of any of the many species of evergreens growing alive and healthy in the grounds around our hotel.

A pity you won't be back to enjoy them, since your little threat of arson has put you on the banned list. We've also forwarded a copy of your letter to your local police department.

Regards,
Legolas Greenleaf, owner
Elvin Forest Hotel

* * * * *

Dear Riverside Shopping Mall,

Last Friday I wanted a nice long shopping trip. I'd worn myself out cooking a huge turkey dinner the day before, and I thought I deserved a nice, quiet shopping trip as a reward.

Imagine my horror to see the entire mall mobbed! Wall to wall with people! There was shouting, pushing, I even saw a fight break out over a toy! It was utterly terrifying! I asked what the deal was, someone rudely shouted "what do you expect on Black Friday?!"

Well, this won't do! I demand a million dollars for my pain and suffering, and ask that you keep the mall orderly and quiet so I can enjoy my shopping in peace!

Sincerely,
Ann Throphobia

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mrs Throphobia,

Your letter shocked and disgusted me. I was working that very day, as it happens, and was present when one of my collegues was trampled under the rampaging crowd. I also distinctly remember you giving him a kick as you walked out. Please understand that you are no longer welcome in the mall, so will no longer have to tolerate the crowds.

Yours, Ms Manager.

~~~

Dear Manager of Wonderful Pizza,

i called ur shop today, witch is Xmas Eve, to ask wen u wer openin 2moro. the rude bitch workin ther told me u wer closed! this is outragus coz wat am i gonna do for xmas dinner? mi kidz wil starv now and its all you're falt! Giv me free pizza 4 a year or i wil su u.

from I. L. Iterate.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Iterate,

We are closed on Christmas Day so that our employees can spend Christmas with their families. However, if you're looking for a restaurant that's open on Christmas, you might want to go to Solomon Cone Kosher Deli. Since the owner is Jewish, he doesn't celebrate Christmas.

Sincerely,

Giovanni Vatali, Owner, Wonderful Italy Pizza

-----

Dear Fillmore Correctional Facility,

I was visiting some of my friends in your prison when these guys in uniform just grabbed me. They said something about drugs, saws, and cell phones being taped on my body. They stuffed me in the back of a truck and sent me to someone named Veterinarian. This woman stuck this object into my rear end and said 102 when she finally pulled it back out. Now, I'm living with a family who dangle string in front of me. The final indignity is they keep calling me "Fluffy." They won't let me visit my buddies in the prison.

How could you do this to me?

Sincerely,

Sampson, Destroyer of Rats

PS: How could you post this picture of me on the internet? You didn't even blur my face.



[Picture found here.]

[purplecat41877]

Dear Sampson,

Please enjoy your stay with your new family. We have also included some more cat toys for you to enjoy.

Sincerely,

Chief Prison Officer



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came to your store to shop and was offended to see one of your employees outside next to a bucket outside constantly ringing a bell. When I told her to stop, she had the nerve to tell me that she wasn't allowed. I want this rude employee fired and whatever she has in that bucket. If you don't do what I want, I will snatch the bell from her and run over it with my car.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Peaceandquiet

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Peaceandquiet,

The woman in front of our Supermarket does not work for us. She works for the Salvation Army, a charity organization whose mission is to help the less fortunate. We will not ban her or any other worker for the Salvation Army. However, we will ban you if you destroy her bell.

Sincerely,

Peter Paul, Store Manager, Healthy Foods Supermarket

-----

Dear M Mobile,

I was using my phone to text a friend when the bus I was driving slammed into a house. The policemen that responded to the accident you caused said something about the house being knocked of its foundation and it needing to be condemned. Thankfully, nobody got hurt due to your negligence. When my boss saw what happened, he fired me.

Why didn't you put a warning system on your phone? It would have been nice if my phone had warned me if I was wandering off the road. I demand $1 million and you pay for rebuilding the house.

Sincerely,

Helen Wheels

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mrs Wheels,

May I draw your attention to the fact that a law exists prohibiting the use of mobiles while driving? I have passed your letter on to the police; I'm sure they will be happy to add "driving without due care and attention" and "using a phone while driving" to your already extremely long rap list.

Yours Sincerely,

Ms Couldntgivatoss, owner of M Mobile.

~~~

Dear manager of Crapmart,

I want to complain about an extremely rude employee of yours. I was shopping in your supermarket, when I realised that I'd forgotten some items on my list, so I told a nearby employee to go and get them for me. The employee, who was named Katie, refused, claiming that she was off the clock and shopping herself. This is obviously a lie; she obviously took the trolley and the child it contained as a blind to avoid doing any work. I want you to fire Katie and give me a £100 gift voucher.

Yours Sincerely,

Mrs Mona Lott.

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Lott,

We don't have any employee named Katie. However, the Clinic next door has an employee name Katie. Her real name is Dr. Katherine Benjamin. No only are we denying your request for a gift card; we hope you don't get sick anytime soon.

Sincerely,

Michael Henderson, Store Manager, Wrapped Foods Supermarket

-----

Dear Bus Company,

I can't believe what your bus driver did yesterday. I was on my way home riding your bus when he made a detour to the hospital. He muttered something about a woman in labor. He should have kicked that woman off and let the ambulance take care of her.

I want you to give me a bus pass for a year for my inconvenience. Also, you should fire that rude bus driver.

Sincerely,

Cheney Richards

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mrs. Richards:

No, we will not fire our good bus driver. First of all, our records show that there was no woman in labour on the bus. The woman in question was his wife, and she was already in the hospital. Second, the detour was not because of the woman, but because of road work being done to the main route. The hospital just happened to be near the detour.

Fortunately the backup driver was already there when the husband came, and you only needed to wait two minutes until your bus started again.

Next time, please pay attention to the situation at hand. It could be a matter of life and death.

Sincerely,

The Toronto Transit Commission

------------

Dear Toronto Transit Commission:

Why the frell is the water in the ladies' washroom at Warden Station so FREAKING COLD? Especially in the winter! I tried to tell this to the rude ticket collector, but he just brushed me off!

And what's worse, when I complained to one of the bus drivers, he told me that the employees' washroom is even WORSE! He told me tales of backed-up, overflowing toilets, and the fact that the washrooms can't even be fixed or renovated because of the way the station was designed!

I demand that you replace that rude ticket collector and the incompetent repair crew that disregards the employees, and that you have water heaters installed!

I would also like you to put back the switches onto the faucets so we can decide to have hot or cold water running in Kipling station! And to have hand dryers that actually blow HOT air!

Signed,

Stella, the Pink Angry Passenger

(this really happened to me, by the way! Oh, and Warden and Kipling are both subway stations, so keep that in mind when you respond, please!)

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Stella,

We apologize for the cold water, but it tends to be ice cold this time of year. Unfortunately, since the subway stations you mentioned were built underground, the plumbing tends to be bad, but extremely expensive. If you haven't heard, our city counsel is currently focused on our mayor.

Our apologies,

M. Aple Leaf, Toronto Transit Commission

--

Dear Sally Johnson Emergency Hospital,

I was staying in your hospital when I stopped this man in a red polo, blue khakis, and a hospital name badge. I needed some more medicine, so I asked him to give me medicine. He told me that he wasn't allowed, since he works in something he called, "the IT department." What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are you running? Why would a hospital, A HOSPITAL, hire anyone who is not qualified to administer medicine? I demand that you give me a month's supply of my prescription drugs, and fire that guy in the "IT department."

Sincerely,

Ima Luddite

[XCashier]

Dear Ms. Luddite,

This hospital employs many staff members who are not qualified to dispense medicine. We employ staff for laundry, food service, administration, IT (that's computer services to you), maintenance, electrical, janitorial, chaplain and gift shop positions. All of which are necessary for a properly-running modern hospital.

Most industries have an equally varied workforce. For example, the police department doesn't just employ police officers; they have maintenance, administration, janitorial and other staff as well. No large company can run with only one type of worker.

Your request is denied. Welcome to the 21st century.

Sincerely,
Delia Johnson, CFO,
Sally Johnson Emergency Hospital

* * * * *

Dear Craft Store,

I tried to make it out to your store to participate in your big pre-Christmas sale, but a massive snowstorm kept me home. The snow's finally down to a manageable level, but your sale is over and the coupons have expired!

That's not fair! I demand that you hold over the sale and let me use the expired coupons or I will burn down your store!

Sincerely,
Ivana Discount

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Discount,

Usually, we give our store managers latitude in cases of bad weather. We understand bad weather. The store manager closest to you would normally honor your expired coupons if the snow was bad on the expiration date. However, since you threatened to burn our store to the ground, we are forwarding your letter to the police.

Sincerely,

Betty Ross, Pleasant Fabric and Craft Store

-----

Dear Nuclear Fallout Hot Sauce,

I recently bought a bottle of your Leveled Target Hot Sauce recently. The bottle had printed on the back, "125,000 Scoville units." I thought that you wanted me to think it was really tasty, so I bought it. When I splashed it on my chicken fajitas, it smelled great. When I took a bite out of it, it felt like I was eating molten lead. My mouth was burning so badly, I drank a gallon of tea. After that turned out to be futile, I called 911. They took me to the hospital immediately. All night, it felt like I had a blast furnace in my chest and gut. Let's not talk about the volcano that was my anus the next day when I finally passed your poisonous product.

I demand that you pay for my hospital bills, refund my money, and pull your vile product off the shelf immediately.

Sincerely,

I. Cicle

(Keep in mind that a jalapeno pepper has 6,000 Scoville units of hotness. 125,000 is extremely hot. )

[Kristev]

Dear I. Cicle,

We are proud of our Leveled Target Hot Sauce. But you know what we're even more proud of? Our warning labels! They're quite large and easy to read, taking up the entire eastern side of our jars. We don't believe that our product is poisonous at all, which is more than we can say for your cruel, overheated comments slandering all over the Internet. We'd sue you, but you've made us a fortune in free publicity.

We refuse to give you anything, except this letter. However, because we don't think you're capable of reading this letter, we are also sending a copy of this to you by singing telegram.

Sincerely,

Miss Sahara Blaze, assistant director of consumer relations, Nuclear Fallout Hot Sauce.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey you jerks at Fly By Night Airlines!

I am writing to let you know just how angry I am with your service. You see, on the night before Thanksgiving, all my brothers and I, and their wives and children, all met up at my house. Since I didn't want my house dashed to pieces as always happens at family gatherings, I suggested we go have Thanksgiving at our parents' place instead. So we used the "Name your own price with the telephone" service, then went to your company and got a plane. We demanded that we all fly together, which your pilots and managers refused to allow, so after my brothers strongly suggested that everyone who wasn't a member of our family give up their seats and pick a different flight, we were finally able to all fly together.

So we made him fly to our parents' home, but they were gone. All the lights were off and the doors were locked. When I called my parents, my Father said he was with his new girlfriend on the other side of town and wasn't coming home, and my Mother told me she'd left Father and gone to get an education, better herself, and start a new, civilized life! Of all the nerve! We then found your pilot had flown off again, leaving us all stranded in the cold. Naturally, my brothers and I smashed our way into the house, but the neighbors called the police on us!

Our Thanksgiving is ruined, all because of your dreadful company! We demand you pay our bail, refund our money for the tickets, and give us a Thanksgiving feast people will talk about for years. If you refuse, my family will happily give your business, and its planes, a free remodel . . .

Signed,

Barbra Ian Vandal-Goth & the Goth & Vandal families.

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Vandal-Goth,

When your family threw the other passengers, you essentially hijacked our plane. You also admitted that you dropped in on your parents at the last minute. Obviously, they were not home. You still decided to force your way into the house. I believe that's called burglary. We hold no responsibility for anything you did. We have, however, forwarded this letter to a federal prosecutor. Good luck at your trial.

Sincerely,

Howard Avian, Fly by Night Airlines

-----

Dear Network Security Professor,

Are you trying to make me paranoid? I was in your class last night. You were talking about Trojans, viruses, worms, hackers, and bad users. As if I didn't have enough to worry about on my computer. Are they really out to get us? Exactly what did you put on my portable hard drive?

If you put malicious code on my portable drive, I will report you to the IC3. I have my eyes on you, Buddy.

Sincerely,

Dan Nixon

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Nixon,

I put on your computer a new program, for free, that I had given to everyone who attended my lecture. The Deflecta-Shield program will redirect any divert from viruses, trojans, worms, and will also not allow bad users from interfering with critical computer functions.

Do not worry. The worst thing that will happen to your computer now is should you decide to go messing around with the system files, the Deflecta-Shield will prevent it and force you to play Hearts instead.

Have a nice day,

Sincerely,

Professor Shiela D. Rook-Castle, inventor of the Deflecta-Shield.

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Dear Little Shop of Horrors,

You kidnappers! I went to The Little Shop of Horrors to go do my Christmas shopping right after Thanksgiving. Naturally, I took my children with me. The problem is, my children were too tired from eating their big meal and asked to go home and sleep. I sent them to the car and told them to sleep there, and I continued my shopping.

Imagine my horror when, four and a half-hours later, I get to my car and find that my kids are missing. Before I can do anything, I see a note that a nurse has seen my children alone in the car and, after talking to them and waiting for me for over twenty minutes,, summoned the authorities.
I know what that busybody woman really did! She kidnapped my children, and you helped her!

I expect that you refund me the ten thousand dollars I spend at the sale, though you still allow me to keep the things I purchased. Oh yes, of course, I also expect you to return my children.

Carla S. Andbadmotter.

[BroSCFischer]

Dear Ms. Andbadmotter

Your letter has been forwarded to CPS.

Per our copy of the incident report we filed with our insurer, and turned over to the police, we made three separate announcements asking for the owner of a vehicle with the License Plate IMNID8 to please go to their vehicle. To which no response was given. When the police arrived, and used your license plate number to find out who owned the vehicle we did a fourth announcement calling you by name.

When none of bore any fruit, the police called Child Protective Services, and they took you children for their own protection. For your information, each child was suffering from hypothermia and mild to severe frostbite. This is to be expected when we have a particularly cold night, that is -10 *F.

You are no longer welcome at our establishment, and your children will be returned to you at the discretion of CPS or a Judge.

Thank you for your concern,

S. Krelborne, Proprietor

***********************************************

Dear Fresh and Ready Grocers,

When I was checking out your clerk Samuel tried to scan a bag of oranges that I was purchasing. When the item did not scan, he told me that he would have to run back to produce to check the price.

I am absolutely shocked at the level of incompetence of your employee. He should know the price, or he shouldn't be working in a store.

I demand that you fire Samuel, and replace him with a someone who knows what he is doing.

Sincerely,

I. B. Smart