My last show with Mom

[Kanalah]

So I've written on here many many times that I did craft shows with my mom and she's psychotic. She would attack, insult and belittle me constantly during a show, any helpful suggestion I had would be shot down, any purchase I wanted to suggest to make our set/tear down go faster/smoother was stupid or a waste of money.

I loved doing shows because I get tons of compliments on my work, but I also hated them because I was brainwashed into thinking that I *couldn't* do it on my own. Mom was the "expert", so I was forced to put up with it.

Up until maybe 9 years ago, we only did Really Big Craft Show in October. Then Mom wanted to expand, and we started doing more and more shows, until we had one almost every weekend from Halloween until Christmas. It was hard work, emotionally and physically. I made a little money, but mainly I was there to be Mom's punching bag.

In 2016, I told mom that I was only going to do Really Big Craft Show from now on, because I really wasn't making money at the other shows. (She had a lot of stupid "rules" like I always had to buy a double booth, and I had to bring every quilt I had available to every show, and she had to be the one to design the booth and handle the money because I was "too stupid" to handle it.) It was a lie, but one that made sense from her point of view. That year at Really Big Craft Show, she got in my face and yelled at me because I refused to argue with her about the booth setup.

By 2017's Really Big Craft Show, she had realized that I was doing shows alone, and it pissed her off. Not only did she micromanage the booth setup to the Nth degree, (and I didn't react, just said "Yes ma'am" and did the changes she asked for.) but on Friday morning, the first day of the show, she got in my face and mock pleaded (there were crocodile tears and everything!) about why I don't want to do shows with her and I need to just tell her the truth.
"This, Mom. This is why." I did end up crying, and I noticed not five minutes later Mom was suspiciously in a happy mood. It turned my stomach. It was like a switch flipped on and I realized that she enjoys making me cry. Over the rest of the weekend, she threatened to kick me out of "her" booth. It is in her name, so she could do that. She also forced me to apologize to her for being mean and hateful to her, however I still wouldn't invite her to my solo shows. She also mentioned about doing the February version of Really Big Craft Show and said she had another friend she'd rather have in the booth instead of me. (Childish much?) I told her to go ahead.

When I got home I went ahead and filled out an application/jury form to do Really Big Craft Show on my own. I figured at least I'd be on the waiting list and there'd be an end in sight to dealing with Mom. Surprise, I got in right away! I told my aunt that I had applied and asked her if she'd be interested in helping me man the booth.

Mom had no clue until she texted me asking to borrow my gridwall for February's Really Big Craft Show. I told her no for 2 reasons; 1 is that she never returns things she borrows from me and it's my gridwall, I bought it, dammit. 2 is because my aunt and I were going to be vendors at the February Really Big Craft Show!

As it turns out, we were in the same building, thankfully at opposite ends. Mom's "friend" is hard of hearing and has zero customer service skills. We walked down one morning to check out the booth and it was awful. That same 25 year old rotting lattice with sheets pinned to it, booth crammed full of random crap. Ours looked so much more professional. I wanted to sneak a photo, but honestly we were swamped during the show and exhausted afterwards. Mom kept coming to "visit" us and complain about her friend in the booth with her, how she was a loser and had no clue what she was doing. My aunt and I kept telling her that she should go back to her booth then. It was almost comical, like a bad breakup and they just keep coming by to beg you to come back. Felt good man.

When the October show came around, we were in different buildings. Mom parked her truck by my car during setup, trying to "accidentally" bump into me. It didn't work. She texted me on Friday asking if I was having a lot of sales. I waited until the end of the show to respond. "Yeah super busy, sorry just saw this."

Because we were no longer doing shows together, Mom got a job in the fabric department of one of the stores where I purchase potholder fabrics. Right by my house. I tried to be cordial the few times I saw her, but after the October show and in public in front of her coworkers and other customers she told me that I was a bad mother because my son needed a math tutor. At that point I was done. I started shopping at another store and I stopped responding to her texts.

By the time the February show rolled around again, she was pissed. I knew she'd want to come talk to me, so I practiced what I wanted to say beforehand. I knew not to say "I'm sorry" because that's an admission of guilt and I've done nothing wrong. I also couldn't show any emotions. So once again, we were in the same building, opposite ends. I ran into her and her friend while I was on my way to the craft services room.
Mom: "Hi honey."
Me:"Hey."
Mom: "So you don't want me in your life anymore?"
Me: "I choose not to be around negative people."
Mom: "I don't feel like I'm negative."
Me: *shrug*
Mom: "You'll let me know when you want to have a relationship again?"
Me: "Sure." And then I walked off. I didn't cry until I got back to the booth and told my aunt what had happened. She was proud of me for holding it together.

So yeah, that's how I dumped my mom.

[morgana]

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!

[MoonCat]

I have to say it: THANK GOD. Your mom is toxic. I don't know what her issue is with you, that's your business, but there is no way in hell she has a right to insult you, belittle you, call you names, fuck with your business, or anything else negative.

If you have to block her from your life, then do so. You'll feel better, physically and emotionally. Sometimes family is just too negative and harmful to keep in your life.

Good luck to you, stick to your guns!

[Edwina]

As a former longtime lurker (love your posts) and as someone who also broken up with mom as a grownup i can only say this to you : Be extremely proud of yourself and i wish you the best of luck on the shows and for keeping away the people that wants to drag you down.

[Valentinian]

~flings confetti~

Good on you!

[XCashier]

Gas-lighting, emotional manipulation, gossip, lies...yep. Your mom checked off all the "manipulator" boxes. That's all she knows how to do; manipulate people, make herself look better by making others look and feel worse. She will never be able or willing to not behave that way.

You do not need that crap and your life will be so much better without her in it.

Your aunt sounds okay, at least better than your mom. If you want to stay in touch with family, stay in touch with the sane and decent ones.

[RealUnimportant]

Well done you. I've recently broken up with my own mum and it's cathartic. I miss... well, it would be a lie to say I miss her support because she never offered any even when asked. I don't miss anything, in fact I've gained back estranged siblings and extended family, so wins all round for me! Very glad you have your aunt in your corner, and congratulations again!

[Kanalah]

My aunt is like the mom I wish I had. She's supportive, helpful, and we can set up a booth together faster with zero arguing. We don't even need to have a "meeting" about each show because we have a standardized set up. Oh my gosh it's like night and day!

Edit: I should mention that my sales are a ton better without mom. Using one show as an example: with mom I paid $120 (double booth) and had $125 in sales. First year without mom - $60 booth, $250 in sales. Last year - $65 booth, $500 sales.

[RealUnimportant]

So YOU paid for the double, in HER name? Oh good grief. so glad you're doing so much better now!

[Kanalah]

No, only Really Big Craft Show was in her name. I paid for all the other ones and they were in my name. However she was the one that insisted on me buying a double, and she would insist on having the same layout that we did for Really Big Craft Show with all of her stuff out front. She would also do the money and I would have to wait a month or more to "get paid" from each show. It was a nightmare.

[telecom_goddess]

I'm glad you got a chance to dump her out of your life. I did the same thing with my mom back in the early 90s and it was the best thing I ever did. She spent years mentally and emotionally abusing me, and basically acting like I didn't know how to do anything right. Including dress myself. My last straw was when I talked to her on Mother's day when I was a new mother myself, and she didn't say it back. Sounds dumb by itself, but after years of her bullshit it was literally the last straw, I was DONE. Never spoke to her again and practically had a celebration when she died in the later 90s.

[Minflick]

Holy Moly Kanalah! What a meant and spiteful woman. What a waste of energy to behave that way. I'm so glad you've found the inner strength to stop doing things with her, and even to not crumble when she came up to make a dig at you. Good for you!

[Marmalady]

Well done, Kanalah *gives hugs* I've read a lot that you've posted here about your mother, and from what I can see you will have lost absolutely nothing by amputating her from yourself. I congratulate you on your courage and maturity - I'm sure it was still hard to make the break, but it will become easier as you go forward, especially with the support of your aunt (who sounds awesome).

((Some people just aren't happy unless they've got someone to torment, and I'm sorry but your mom sounds exactly like that))

[greyblade23]

I mean no disrespect, but your mom sounds like a classic narcissist, at least from this armchair psychologist's perspective. The worst thing about your recent actions, from her POV, is that you've proven you can be successful without her (alleged) help.

Of course, the best thing about what you've done, from the POV of just about everyone else, is prove to yourself that you can be successful on your own. It can be damn difficult to change your self-image after years of being put down, but it sounds like you're well on your way to becoming the person you were meant to be (as my own therapist puts it).

I want to include my congratulations with everyone else. Well done!

[Victory Sabre]

I am so proud of you for getting that total negative out of you life. You're much better off without it.

Way to go, and way to go on the much better sales. Keep up the good work.