The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mrs. Theroftwins:

No, it is not illegal to have twins working different hours at the same job.

In fact, the people you really should be speaking to are your daughters. THEY are the ones who asked to work the different hours, since they apparently cannot stand one another, and they warned us that fights would break out of they were both working the same shift.

Sincerely

Mr. Normal
Manager
Wholesome Foods Inc.

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Yo Captain!

D'ya mind telling me why I got this "dishonorable discharge" thing? It was only a little fling with one of the local girls! It's not like I killed any of our allies, right?

Sincerely,

"Former" Private Parts

[catcul]

DEAR PRIVATE PUKEBALL,

WHAT YOU DID WASN'T JUST A FLING WITH A LOCAL GIRL. YOU COMMITTED DISGUSTING ACTS WITH 11-YEAR-OLD GIRLS. CALLING YOU A PIECE OF WOULD BE AN INSULT TO FECAL MATTER EVERYWHERE. EVEN PIECES OF HAVE USE. YOU HAVE DISGRACED YOUR MILITARY, YOUR ARMY, YOUR COUNTRY, YOUR MAMA, AND YOU HAVE EVEN DISGRACED DISGRACES TO YOUR COUNTRY. YOU MAKE ME SICK.

Sincerely,

Captain Lee Army

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Dear Principal,

I did a paper on The Great Gatsby. I turned it in on time and I wrote it without spelling or grammatical errors. Yesterday, the teacher had three of my classmates read my essay in front of our class. Then she muttered something about "copying" and "cheating." Then she gave me an F.

I demand that you make her reverse that and give me an A.

Sincerely,

Ben Johnson
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Dear Principal,

I did a paper on The Great Gatsby. I turned it in on time and I wrote it without spelling or grammatical errors. Yesterday, the teacher had three of my classmates read my essay in front of our class. Then she muttered something about "copying" and "cheating." Then she gave me an F.

I demand that you make her reverse that and give me an A.

Sincerely,

Alex Rodriguez
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Dear Principal,

I did a paper on The Great Gatsby. I turned it in on time and I wrote it without spelling or grammatical errors. Yesterday, the teacher had three of my classmates read my essay in front of our class. Then she muttered something about "copying" and "cheating." Then she gave me an F.

I demand that you make her reverse that and give me an A.

Sincerely,

Lance Armstrong

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mr. Johnson, Mr. Rodriguez and Mr. Armstrong:

The fact that all three of you sent the same letter to me proves that you did, in fact, cheat.

Not only will I NOT change the grade, but you are all suspended until further notice.

Finally, it's funny that the fourth cheater never showed up. But as soon as I find out where he's been hiding, he will be suspended, too!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Ihate Cheaters
Principal
Toronto School of Integrity

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Hey, Warden!

Why did you put me on that stupid loaf? I wasn't bad, just a little mischievous!

I demand that you let me eat regular food again, THIS INSTANT! Otherwise, I will keep those loaves to myself until they are hard as rock, and hurl them at you as hard as I can!

Sincerely,

Mugsy

[catcul]

Dear Mugsy,

I thought you liked meatloaf. I don't know why you are complaining. The cooks made it with barbecue sauce instead of ketchup. Please don't hoard the meatloaf. It will be more fragile and stink to high heaven.

Sincerely,

Warden Slague

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Dear Bullseye Retail,

I came into your store because I heard you had some good pot. I came up to this Japanese woman named Kaori. I think she said that her name was Kaori. I ask where you kept the pot. She took me to the cookware. That wasn't the pot I had in mind. Then I asked her where you kept the marijuana. She said that you didn't sell marijuana. I would have been mad, but I realized that I really needed that kind of pot, too. I've been really hungry lately, and I needed something to cook my food. Also, I couldn't stay mad at Kaori. She's pretty, funny, and charming. She told me that marijuana users don't finish anything except their meals. It was kind of a buzzkill when she told me she had a girlfriend. Oh, well. The Japanese flower has her Rose; I have my Mary Jane.

Speaking of which, Stoner's Pot Palace's product is too strong. Do you know anywhere else that sells marijuana?

Sincerely,

[dalesys]

catcul, Heeere's your sign!

[catcul]

catcul, Heeere's your sign!

Sure! Post four letters from the unnamed pot head and suddenly I have a reputation.

Speaking of the unnamed stoner.

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Dear Bullseye Retail,

I came into your store because I heard you had some good pot. I came up to this Japanese woman named Kaori. I think she said that her name was Kaori. I ask where you kept the pot. She took me to the cookware. That wasn't the pot I had in mind. Then I asked her where you kept the marijuana. She said that you didn't sell marijuana. I would have been mad, but I realized that I really needed that kind of pot, too. I've been really hungry lately, and I needed something to cook my food. Also, I couldn't stay mad at Kaori. She's pretty, funny, and charming. She told me that marijuana users don't finish anything except their meals. It was kind of a buzzkill when she told me she had a girlfriend. Oh, well. The Japanese flower has her Rose; I have my Mary Jane.

Speaking of which, Stoner's Pot Palace's product is too strong. Do you know anywhere else that sells marijuana?

Sincerely,

[BroSCFischer]

Dear Sir,

Thank you for taking the time to compliment our staff member. I am truly glad that she was able to assist you, even if it was not what you initially came to purchase. We appreciate your business.

T. Arget
Manager, Bullseye Retail

PS: We do not know where you can purchase Narcotics.

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Dear Glendale Park Theater:

I recently went to view a play that you were producing. I found it to be utterly vulgar and inappropriate. Not only did it feature gratuitous violence, including rape, and cannibalism, but it featured an "interracial relationship". And to top it all it wasn't even in proper American.

This is utterly disgraceful, and the author ought to be black listed for such filth. I demand that you compensate me for putting me through this trauma or I'll sue you, the city of Glendale AND the writer of this abomination you called Typhus Andronginus (or something like that).

COMPENSATE ME!

B. I. Got

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Got,

We're sorry you didn't like our recent performance of Titus Andronicus. I admit, it is not one of William Shakespeare's more popular plays. I'd let you take it up with the author, but he's been dead nearly 400 years.

However, your dislike of his play does not excuse your actions that evening. Running up on stage and getting in a fistfight with the actors was not warranted, nor was your screaming obscenities and racial epithets. You're lucky you left right before the police got here, or you'd be writing your letter from inside a jail cell.

Your request for compensation is denied, and you have been blacklisted from all of our future performances. May I suggest you go to the John Birch Picture Shows across town instead? I hear they're having a revival of Birth of a Nation. I'm sure you'd enjoy that.

Regards,
Xeno Phile, manager,
Glendale Park Theater

* * * * *

Dear Pizza Palace,

I had a pizza party for 20 of my friends last week. We ordered ten pizzas from you, ate everything, had a great time. But it took all my money so I couldn't pay my rent, which was due yesterday.

When I tried to get my money back from you yesterday, you told me you couldn't give me my money back after all that time! That is ridiculous! I demand that you give me double my money back and free pizza for life! If I get evicted, I will sue you!

Sincerely,
Kent Plan-Ahead

[BroSCFischer]

Dear Mr. Plan-Ahead

Enclosed you'll find a brochure for the upcoming community college lecture series "Personal Responsibility and You: How to Improve Your Decision Making for a Better Life" by Dr. T. H. Ink Ph.D. Th.D. DDS. The 27 part series (over 2 weeks) is sure to show you exactly what is wrong with your request. Best of all admission is free, so you don't have to worry about blowing your rent on a ticket.

Sincerely,

Lincoln King
Proprietor, Pizza Palace

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Dear Sir or Madam:

I find myself in the unusual position of having to file a complaint to a corporate office due to lack of reasonable action by your store's management.

In brief, I was in the process of making a purchase when I was grievously assaulted by a youth who was throwing canned goods. When I asked the store employee to stop the child from doing such things, they replied, quite rudely, with "Do it yourself!"

When I politely requested that they call the manager, the manager was also rude, and told me that I brought it on myself.

Unfortunately, due to the gross incompetence and irresponsibility shown by your staff, I will be forced to file a lawsuit against the store for medical and punitive damages, unless you reimburse me for the purchases I made that day (including the 55" 3D Flat screen and the Playstation 4 and X-Box One that I purchased for my 10 year olds enjoyment) which totals approximately $2,500 and my medical expenses which ran approximately $500.00.

I hope I won't have to file that lawsuit.

Una Fit-Mom

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Fit-Mom,

You did bring this upon yourself. We saw that you come in with that child. We saw you whisper in her ear before she threw those cans at you. We have you on security cameras doing just that. We have confirmed with eye witnesses that she was your daughter.

We will press charges for fraud. We'll see you in court.

Sincerely,

Xavier Zachary, Store Manager, Bulleye Groceries

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Dear Crushing Blows Wresting,

Why do you have so many scary looking men? There was one guy that looked like he was over 7 feet tall and over 500 pounds. He looked like he was ready to crush my skull with his gigantic hands. Another guy had this ugly mask on his face. I couldn't see his face. What is he trying to hide? Another guy slammed a folding metal chair over another guy's head?

What kind of thugs do you hire? I demand that you start hiring normal looking people.

Sincerely,

Adam Coward

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mr. Coward:

How old are you again? 5? 10?

Because that's pretty much the only reason why you would be scared of our wrestlers. If we hired normal looking people, we wouldn't get enough people to watch, because our people like scary wrestlers pounding each other to the ground.

Your request is, therefore, denied.

Sincerely,

Ms. Hot Babe
Manager
Crushing Blows Wrestling

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Dear General:

My boyfriend STILL does not understand this "dishonorable discharge" thingie that he received from one of your captains. When he complained, he got this response instead!

I think it was VERY RUDE of the captain to call him "Private Pukeball!" And what's with him being with 11-year-old hos anyway? I'm the greatest good he's EVER gonna get!

I demand that you put him back in the army, and also hire me, so I can give those boyfriend-stealers the spanking of their lives!

Sincerely,

Hot Babe

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Babe,

I guess your boyfriend, Private Parts, didn't tell you the entire story. He got two 11 year old girls pregnant. DNA testing proved that he was the father to both babies. Also, the mother of the third girl tried to catch her husband cheating on her. While she never caught her husband, she did catch Private Parts have sex with her 10 year old daughter.

Admittedly, Captain Army tends to fly of the handle, but he is absolutely correct. Your request to restore Private Parts to the Army is denied. Since you admitted that you would assault 11-year-olds, your request for us to hire you is also denied. I highly suggest you find a decent boyfriend.

Sincerely,

General M. A. Lays

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Dear Bill Tree Supermarket,

When I was at the Self Checkout, I overheard the machine behind me ask if the customer was using his own bags. What he said next was absolutely shocking. He said, "No, I'm using the souls of dead children." When I complained to the manager, he said it was a tasteless, but harmless joke.

That told me that your store is run by Satan worshipers. I will find irrefutable proof of your Satan worship. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Pare A. Noid

[Tyg3rW01f]

Mr. Pare A. Noid,
We at Bill Tree Supermarket are a non-discriminatory bunch. We have persons from all walks of life. In fact our manager is an attending member of the Sword of Joshua Independent Full Gospel Pentecostal Assembly.
We have written Reverend Billy Ray Collins and requested his help with your issue. He recommended -strongly- you be signed into the care of the Sir Bedivere Mental Institution on State Road 666.

Bill Tree Supermarkets
William. R. Collins, Jr., Lead Manager

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Dear American Foosball League,
Why did you let the Broncos beat my beloved Terryville Towels 140 to 0?! My team was poised to go to the Superbowl! We have a perfect record! 0-25!
I DEMAND you kick the Broncos out and let the Towels play the Seahawks, or I'll bomb the Wisconsin MidWife Stadium with the help of some family from Hamas!

Signed,
Ahmed D. Eadterrorist, Jr.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Eadterrorist,

It's obviously that you are lying. There is not such team called the Terryville Towels. It's impossible to go 0-25 in a season since we only play 16 every year. Your request is denied and we have turned this letter over to the FBI.

Sincerely,

Russell Wilson, Commissioner, American Foosball League

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Dear Big Hill Animal Shelter,

I was watching a web cam trained on your kittens. Every time I get on, those kittens are asleep. I check before work; they're asleep. I check after work; they're asleep.

I know what you're up to. You're drugging those poor kittens so they will be easier to handle. Normal kittens run around, pounce, fight, and jump for no reason. I will have irrefutable proof that you're drugging these kittens. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Pare A. Noid

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Noid,

Kittens sleep a lot and their actions are based on instinct. We don't drug our animals.

Sincerely,

Head Vet



Dear Local Court,

Where do you get off granting my parents' divorce? They took vows when they got married so by law they are required to stay together. I demand you reverse the divorce grant. If you don't, I will cut school for a week.

Sincerely,

B. R. Okendaughter