The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Dear Mrs. Lottery-

I'm sorry to hear of your dissatisfaction, however state law prohibits the sale or redemption of any lottery tickets by persons under the age of 21. If we are audited by the state lottery board and found to have sold or redeemed a card for an underage person, it results in not only heavy fines (which you will be charged for and will be well in excess of the $2000 gift card you requested) but also revocation of our license to sell lottery tickets, meaning you and others will have to go elsewhere for your tickets.

So your $2000 gift card will be denied.

Warmest Regards-

I R. Bitchy-
Store Manager


Dear Coffeeshop:

I've been coming to your store for several years now and up until now haven't had a complaint. My order was always ready to go before I finished ordering and everyone knew my name. Now you have a new crew in and they've not been properly trained to know each of their longtime regular customers nor their orders and today I had to wait 10 minutes (EGADS!) for my latte and I was addressed by the wrong name.

I want the entire crew replaced and the old one brought back and I also want a free latte every day for life as well as a $1500 gift card or I will end my morning ritual with your shop immediately.

Regards-
I. R. Holdingmybreath

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Holdingmybreath:

Consider your requests for compensation denied, and continue to hold your breath, because I want to watch you turn blue and pass out and bash your head on the coffee table.

Regards,
I.B. Sadistic
Coffeeshop manager
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Dear Toyota:

I mistook the gas pedal for the brake on my Prius and plowed into a school bus stop, killing seven youngsters and maiming and dismembering several others. I'm now being sued for ten billion dollars but plan to blame you anyway because there's been reports in the news of your cars experiencing sudden acceleration and the media will fall for it like a stock market crash.

So give me eleven billion dollars--ten billion for the judgment and one billion "just because." Or else I will buy all my cars from General Motors from now on.

Krap P. Driver

[XCashier]

Dear K. P. Driver,

And that is a threat because...?

Thank you for your letter. I will be very happy to show it to the judge and/or the media should you choose to take it there. I will also warn the president of General Motors about you.

Sincerely,

Corolla Cavalier, president, Toyota Motors

* * * * *

Dear Store Manager,

I am writing to you regarding the rudeness of your employee. I got in line in front of another customer, and your employee rudely demanded that I get to the back of the line. I was in a hurry, everyone else can wait!

Further, I got a call while I was in line, and when I got to the register, your rude employee rudely asked me to put my stuff on the belt. She could clearly see that I was on the phone, making a very important call to my best friend Sally Ann, and ignored my "in a moment" gesture. She then had the nerve to tell me that other people were waiting! Well, what else could I do? I threw my eggs at her, tipped the cart over and stomped out the door.

I was treated shamefully, and I demand compensation! Give me $100,000, free groceries for the rest of my life and have the rude little bitch publicly decapitated and her head spiked on the flagpole in front of your store, or I'll never set food in your store again!

Sincerely,

Bette R. Thanyou

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Dear Ms. Thanyou-

I'm so sorry to hear you had such an unfortunate incident in one of our stores.

But don't fret . . . I have some rather exciting news for you. It turns out you are the winner of our Super Secret Getaway From it All sweepstakes.

On Friday, April 2, 2010 we will send a special car to pick you up at your residence at 8 a.m. sharp and, with your well-oiled, muscular bodyguards dressed in crisp white from head to toe will take you on a magical journey to the psychiatric weekly spa where you'll get the Royal Treatment . . .your own specially padded room with a view, a snuggly huggy jacket to wear and you'll get all the relaxing sedatives and tranquilizers you can stand.

BTW, cell phones aren't allowed at the spa . . . so you'll have to surrender yours or the staff there will have to perform a hysterectomy to remove it from your behind.

In short, your claims are laughable and denied.

Regards-

Bette R. Bitch
Regional Manager

Dear Neighborhood Drugstore-

I wuz in your store last Friday nite at 10 p.m. to get my Oxycoitin filled and I wuz refused my drugs 'cus you wuz closed. Dat's hating on a bro whose sik and need meds. When I tolds the dumbass bitch behind da counta what I needs, she tol me to leave or she'd call the po-po on my azz. When I tries to reason with her, telling her "you aint' gotta be like that cracker bitch - I just wants my drugz, and I go to shows her my ID from my pocket, I gots three po-pos behind me with guns drawn telling me to put down my weapon. I ain't gots no weapon, but they didn't listen and dragged my azz off to jail for no good reason.

I want my bail paid for, I wants a lawyer that ain't racist, and I wantz my drugs.

Or I goes to the newsmedia and tell 'em your racist

I. Wanna Beagansta

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mr Begansta,

Thank you for this confession; I have mailed it right away to the solicitor managing our case against you. Be assured, he will use it wisely.

Yours,

Ms Couldnotgiveadamn.


Dear Pizza Parlour,

I came into your pizza place the other day and tried to place an order. I wanted a large Meat Feast and a garlic bread, like I always have. The girl behind the counter then had the cheek to tell me that they had run out of garlic bread! Of course, I didn't believe her; it's obvious she dropped out of high school if she's working there and she can't count.

I demand free pizzas, garlic bread and a £50 gift voucher to soothe my injured feelings.

Yours,

Mr U N Reasonable.

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. U.N. Reasonable,

The cashier was quite correct in this case; there was an error on our delivery truck and instead of getting five cases of French bread like we were supposed to, we were delivered five cases of Fleet suppositories meant for the drug store across the street. Please accept these five cases of suppositories with my regards and my precise instructions on where to put them.

Sincerely,
Pep Perroni, Manager, Pizza Parlour

* * * * *

Deer Manujur,

I wuz drivin by an had to go reel bad. I saw yore outhouse and tried to get in to uze it, butt yore jerk emploee pusht me back out and sed it wuz a Dutch Brothers Coffee.

I didn see no brothers, Dutch or not, but it looks like a outhouse 2 me! Bet other folks think its a outhouse 2. Pleez redo yore place so it dont look like a outhouse no mor if'n you dont want peeple to pee in it.

Sinseerlee,
Billy Bob Jimmy Joe Inbred

[fireheart]

Deer Billy Bob (dammit XCashier...)

If I recall correctly, an outhouse is usually made from wood panels and unpainted. Our coffee shop is made out of concrete and is painted. Please actually take a good look at what the place is made of before you start whipping your tool out in public,

Sincerely,
The Dutch Brothers Manager.

Dear Supermarket,

I approached your employee with what I thought was a reasonable request. Instead the employee told me no and that the store policy had just changed. How rude! I want you to fire that employee and put my adorable son in place!

Sincerely,

Ms. Rude.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Rude:

When I hire an employee, I tend to prefer applicants who can go potty all by themselves.

Enclosed please find $250 in gift cards to our biggest competitor. Now shut up and go away.

Supermarket manager


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Dear Press-4-Less Irons:

I was ironing my shirts while wearing them and am now undergoing treatment and skin grafts for the third-degree burns on my torso.

There was no warning on the box or in the instructions that I wasn't supposed to do that.

Pay my medical bills for me, or I will sue you for my medical bills, plus pain and suffering, lost wages, and whatever else I feel like.

Regards:
I.M. Becille

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Dear. I. M. Becille -

So sorry to hear about your bad experience, however it does specifically state on page 4 of the instruction manual (in English, French, Spanish and German) that clothes need to be removed from the body before ironing.

I've also taken the liberty of contacting our legal department and have sent them a copy of your original complaint. You should be hearing from them soon - they needed a good laugh this week.

Sincerely

U. B. Screwed-
Regional Manager

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Dere Sheets N' Stuff-

I was in your store today and could not find the comforter sets advertised in your flyer for $29.00. All I saw were the comforter sets for $99.00. That is a rip off and false advertising. And nobody at your store seemed to know what I was talking about even though I had an ad for Blankets and Things from 1992.

I want the price I saw in the ad or I'll call the Better Business Bureau on your ass and also the local news media and have you shut down.

Sincerely-

ICant Seetoreade

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Seetoreade,

We will be happy to honor the price from 1992 on one condition. You'll need to build a working time machine and travel back to the exact week those were on sale and buy them there.

Sincerely,
Polly Cotton-Blend, Manager, Sheets N' Stuff

*****

Dear Manager,

Your adorable teenage associate was checking out my groceries and I was making small talk with her, what books she liked, what movies she liked, what she looked like naked, stuff like that. Well, she got all huffy and bent out of shape and called security over! I barely got out of there in time!

I am upset and offended at being treated this way. I'm a paying customer, I should treat your employees how I want! I demand $100,000 for my pain and suffering and the full name and phone number of that cute little girl, or I'm going to call my lawyer.

Sincerely,
P. R. Verted-Creep

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear P.R. Verted:

I'd just like to apologize for your experience.

Our cashier's name is Madyson Payne, she's 16 and her phone number is 999-999-9999. You can trust me. This is the Internet. wink wink

And here's $100,000 we printed up just yesterday in cold, hard, genuine American currency. Have a nice time with Madyson.

Manager

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Dear Lucky's Tattoos:

I had one of your "artists" give me a tattoo. I asked for a 13 on my right arm. Instead I got a 31 on my left buttcheek.

Now everybody laughs at me. Remove the tattoo or I'll have my homiez drop by to...do some redecorating.

Pr T. Fly (For a white guy!)

[Bella_Vixen]

Dear Lucky's Tattoos:

I had one of your "artists" give me a tattoo. I asked for a 13 on my right arm. Instead I got a 31 on my left buttcheek.

Now everybody laughs at me. Remove the tattoo or I'll have my homiez drop by to...do some redecorating.

Pr T. Fly (For a white guy!)

I laughed so hard I think I pulled a muscle!

[shankyknitter]

Dear Mr. Fly-

Next time I suggest being sober when explaining to the artist what and where you would like something tattooed to your person. Also if you did not want your left buttock tattooed why did you expose yourself in a drunken stupor? Your request for free laser removal has been denied. Feel free to send your 'homiez' by any time you like. I'll make sure Butch and Bob our 400 pound twin brother bouncers are expecting you, I'm sure they'd like to play.

Sincerarly,

Uaren Tflyin, Owner



Dear Furniture and Things,

How dare you not be open when I told you I said I was going to be in! I got a phone call on saturday saying my pink plaid couch with matching cameo ottoman had come in. I told the woman over the phone that I would be in the next day to pick up my beautiful new living room pieces and she had the audacity to tell me you weren't open sundays! Well I told her that was when I'd be there and there'd better be someone there to give me my furniture since I can't go another day without it. Well when I got there all the lights were off and the doors were locked!

I demand you consult me about when your hours should be and give me my stunning pieces for free. Also I'm suing you for emotional damage done because of the delay in adorning my home with these treasures.

Sincerely,

Allplai Dsmatch

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Dear Ms. Dsmatch-

I'm very sorry to hear of your unfortunate experience, however we do have hours posted for very good reasons. Please feel free to pick up your furniture anytime you wish - we'll have the local police over there to meet you.

Also your request for emotional damages as well as a full refund for your furniture has been passed over to our legal department. You should be receiving a letter soon from Dewey Cheatem and Howe within the next 5-7 business days.

Sincerely-
I. Don'tgiveasheep


Dear Petsnotsosmart-

I was in your location at 3555 Buttsville Road with my six children, ranging in age from 3 to 12 and one of your employees was extremely rude to my precious angels.

Kids are rambunctious as a general rule, but my kids were accused of knocking over a pet food display, running through the store playing tag and tossing the hamsters around playing catch. Then another man had the audacity to tell me my kids needed leashes and muzzles because he said my 8 year old told him to go "fuck himself or he'd have his homies jack him up". The sheer nerve of these people discriminating against my children. I"ll never shop at your store again.

I am demanding $100,000,000 for emotional damages to my children and myself for hte humiliation we had to endure after the cops arrived and took my children away to foster care. I now cannot see my kids and now have legal fees up the wazoo because I'm told I'm a bad parent and shouldn't have kids. I was also accused of having slapped the man who said my child cussed him and holding a knife to another person's throat - l am innocents of these charges and am now having to declare bankruptcy because I'm having to defend myself in court.

Not only do I want the settlement for the emotional damages, but I also expect your company to foot the bill for my legal fees. Or I'll go to the local news media and tell them all about your puppy mills and inbreeding practices.

Ima Bitchfromhell

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Bitchfromhell:

Go to the media about our "inbreeding" (snerk) practices and we'll tell the court about your inbreeding practices.

How did we find about this, you ask? We know people.

Try not to drop the soap, hun.

*raspberry*

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Dear Boudreaux's Butt Paste:

Your product caused my baby's buttcheeks to become glued together!

So what if the tube really says "Gorilla Glue?" Diaper rash ointment shouldn't be named after an industrial adhesive.

Change the name of your product or put a warning on the tube or something.

I.8 Pasteazakidd