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Things I am not allowed to do at work.

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  • ...no pointing to the power button when asked about the <any> key.
    ...no laughing when they turn off thier monitor when asked to reboot a PC.
    ...no killing of the idiot office manager in the other office who installed a cheap-ass wireless network with known issues, then complains for MONTHS about it not working correctly.
    ...no, not even if my boss agrees.
    ...no telling people that workers with free desk candy get priority on support calls.
    ...no answering the phone with, "what did you break THIS time?"
    ...not even if they laugh when you answer that way.
    ...no refering to the UNISYS server as "the boat anchor."
    ...especially when the UNISYS techs are in the room.
    ...no making a cat o'nine tails out of spare power cords.
    ...no telling users that, "maybe the computer just doesn't like you."
    ...no asking for travel compensation for the trip to the other office.
    ...accross the parking lot.
    ...no setting error message sound effects on the servers to The Funeral March.
    ...or the Empirial March.
    ...or Yakkity Sax.
    ...no making bets with users that I can fix their problem in 30 seconds or less.
    ...no plugging monitor cables into PCs at other peoples' desks. (for April Fools)
    The Rich keep getting richer because they keep doing what it was that made them rich. Ditto the Poor.
    "Hy kan tell dey is schmot qvestions, dey is makink my head hurt."
    Hoc spatio locantur.

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    • No swapping keyboard cables and turning a classmate's computer into HAL/Eliza.
      ...unless the instructor has a sense of humor.

      Not allowed to tell customers with Vista computers that they've found the new resting place of Zuul/Gozer/Vigo/Cthulhu/Hastur/whichever demon seems appropriate (I have had so many problems supporting Vista boxen)

      My Schrodinger's Cat T-shirt has the potential to cause non-geek brains to implode (and has done so to someone I thought was intelligent enough to get it). No longer to be worn casually due to destructive potential. If the customers' brains are frizzled they can't pay me.
      Last edited by Dreamstalker; 02-14-2007, 03:33 PM.
      "I am quite confident that I do exist."
      "Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up." The Doctor

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      • Quoth ArenaBoy View Post
        Pirate voices at work are not funny
        Talking to customers in a pirate voice is grounds for being written up
        This happened to my brother when he worked at a fish fry place. The customers thought he was hilarious but his boss didn't. Yeah, I guess it's bad if your customers are having a good time.
        "Is it hot in here to you? It's very warm, isn't it?"--Nero, probably

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        • Quoth Food Lady View Post
          Yeah, I guess it's bad if your customers are having a good time.
          Heh heh, some customers didn't find it funny, one of them asked me if I was screwed up in the head. The dirty old man voice got plenty of laughs though.
          The Grand Galactic Inquisitor hears all and sees all.

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          • Quoth Dreamstalker View Post
            Schrodinger's Cat T-shirt has the potential to cause non-geek brains to implode (and has done so to someone I thought was intelligent enough to get it). No longer to be worn casually due to destructive potential. If the customers' brains are frizzled they can't pay me.
            Another Schrodinger's fan! Horray for sarcastic theories taken seriously by silly people!
            The Rich keep getting richer because they keep doing what it was that made them rich. Ditto the Poor.
            "Hy kan tell dey is schmot qvestions, dey is makink my head hurt."
            Hoc spatio locantur.

            Comment


            • I am not allowed to tell the customer that the latest James Patterson/Dan Brown/Whatever Big-name-author-who-comes-out-with-a-new-book-every-6-months is crap.

              I am not allowed to be "Over the Top" (in the words of one British manager that I had) in my we'll-be-closing-soon announcements (ie, don't sound too happy).

              I am not allowed to hide in the shopping bag cubby under the register, even when I see those *certain* regulars coming my way.

              I am not allowed to take a nap in the shopping bag cubby either. Or in the cashroom.

              I am not allowed to say (scream), when a customer starts ranting about the contents of The Da Vinci Code/Harry Potter/etc, "It's FICTION!!! Get OVER it!!!

              I am not allowed to pose the stuffed animals in pornographic configurations, at least not outside of the receiving room.

              I am not allowed to drop my armload of books on the heads of the teens sitting (sprawling) in the philosophy aisle as I step over them (at least not on purpose).

              I am not allowed to hold sticks at the bottom of the handicapped ramp for the kids skating down in their Heelies sneakers to trip over (a la Adam Sandler in Big Daddy).

              I am not allowed to post an "Employees Only" sign on the restroom doors.

              I am also not allowed to post a sign that says "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat" in every stall.

              When customers complain about the quality of the gift wrapping another employee did, I am not allowed to tell them to go to the Hallmark store, get their own damn paper, and do it themselves.

              Ditto when they complain about the gift wrap selection (book titles on green or childrens, yes, those are your only choices, unless it's December then there's Christmas and Hannukah). We do have some lovely gift bags and tissue paper for sale.
              Last edited by BookstoreEscapee; 02-16-2007, 05:16 PM.
              I don't go in for ancient wisdom
              I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
              It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

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              • I am not allowed to snicker at innocent words in the in-store announcements. (ex.--"Tenderloin" "He said loin." )
                Unseen but seeing
                oh dear, now they're masquerading as sane-KiaKat
                There isn't enough interpretive dance in the workplace these days-Irv
                3rd shift needs love, too
                RIP, mo bhrionglóid

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                • Not allowed to tell clients what I think of them. Not allowed to curse at them. I have to let them in no matter what they do. I have to be nice to them while they abuse me.
                  A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
                  Friedrich Nietzsche

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                  • Not allowed to insult spanish customers back in their native tongue to show them gringoes can "speakie spanish" too.....

                    "Fuck you" is no longer an appropriate answer to our card sign up pressures....

                    Neither is singing the Dean Martin/Jerry Lewis duet "Blow Me" to our district manager..she didnt think it was funny...

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                    • I'm not allowed to tell any SCs that they make Baby Jesus cry, even if it's true. I know, I asked my CSM today.

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                      • I am not allowed to act as a mediator for the homeless folks when they fight over the cans and bottles.

                        If someone tells me they find my job disgusting, I am not allowed to start sniffing my gloves and say, "But it smells so good."

                        I am not allowed to keep any of the pornography, text books or CDs I find in the recycling bins.

                        I am no longer permitted to sing "Trash Day" by Weird Al Yankovic while on the clock.
                        ("There's somethin' rotten here, you better hold your nose / Hey, you disgusting slob, you better take the trash out.")

                        I am not permitted to give reasons to any question related to "what that smell is."
                        "Oh, you hate your job? There's a club for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet down at the bar." ~Drew Carey

                        Comment


                        • Quoth BeckySunshine View Post
                          I am not allowed to snicker at innocent words in the in-store announcements. (ex.--"Tenderloin" "He said loin." )
                          Same thing with me, except substitute "In-store announcements" with "Mechanics request" (i.e.: He wants a shaft/butt connector/some lube/nuts/etc.)

                          Well, you can but we've heard them all.
                          I pray for the strength to change what I can, the inability to change what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference -Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes

                          Being a pessimist and cynical wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't right so often!

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                          • I'm not allowed to laugh at one of the guys from grocery for wearing a sticker placed in a naughty spot that says "Suffocation warning". Even if it's funny.
                            Unseen but seeing
                            oh dear, now they're masquerading as sane-KiaKat
                            There isn't enough interpretive dance in the workplace these days-Irv
                            3rd shift needs love, too
                            RIP, mo bhrionglóid

                            Comment


                            • Quoth DarthRetard View Post

                              Neither is singing the Dean Martin/Jerry Lewis duet "Blow Me" to our district manager..she didnt think it was funny...
                              Just a heads up DR, Dean and Jerry didn't really sing this, at least not the real Dean & Jerry. It was done as a joke by morning show guys Bob & Tom (WARNING: occasionally has not safe for work stuff on the main page). Still a great song though.
                              The Rich keep getting richer because they keep doing what it was that made them rich. Ditto the Poor.
                              "Hy kan tell dey is schmot qvestions, dey is makink my head hurt."
                              Hoc spatio locantur.

                              Comment


                              • various jobs

                                When the back-ordered part does not arrive as scheduled and the customer is screaming on the phone, I am not allowed to hand the mechanic a part for another model, a mallet and a large wrench, with the instructions, "Make it fit."

                                No matter how badly an attorney has messed up a document, I am not allowed to roll it up, whack him/her on the nose, and say, "Bad lawyer. Go to your corner office and don't come out."

                                Even if I know the woman at the counter is a known thief, I am not allowed to tell her that I know that she's a thief, even though she knows that I know, and that I hate her and wish on her a death consisting of choking on the price tags from all the items she has stolen and returned over her criminal career.
                                Labor boards have info on local laws for free
                                HR believes the first person in the door
                                Learn how to go over whackamole bosses' heads safely
                                Document everything
                                CS proves Dunning-Kruger effect

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