The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Handz,

The audience was right about it being your fault. Therefore, all you'll get is a bill for the damage and you are banned from the store until it's all paid off.

Sincerely,

Nota T. Fault
Show Creator



Dear Department Store Manager,

You had no right to arrest my husband and I. All we were doing was making love with no clothes on in the lingerie department. I demand you drop the charges and allow us to make love wherever and whenever we want. If you don't, we will go to the security office, undress, and make love in front of the security office door.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Lovemaker

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Lovemaker,

We at Lovey's Department Store would like to apologize for the fact that you, and your husband, our store's owner, were arrested.
But even we lowly workers do not want to see the store's owner and his wife doing the dirty in the lingerie department. We'd suggest you really change the kind of store you're running if you want to act like that.
While admittedly, it was a dream come true to be able to call the cops on my boss, it is still a sad shame that you two have such low standards for yourselves but such overly high standards for us, your workers.
Go to the security office, undress, and make love if you want to, Mrs. Lovemaker, but please do it when the store is closed and all of us have gone home so no one will bother you.

Sincerely,

Mr. P. R. Ude,
Hopefully still manager, Lovey's Department Store.

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Dear Glibby's Glass Plant,

I and my friends were part of a large group that had paid for one of the guided tours of your glass plant. Then your idiotic employee made the mistake of saying the words 'And it's a real chiller!' And that got me and my friends to each start tapping our toes and humming to Michelle Jackson music, as we are frequently known to do.
And so, one of us began to tap his feet. His sister, Ginger, who is not part of us but was on the tour, begged him "Fred, don't go there." But he went there, starting to dance. All the rest of us got up to dance, leaving Ginger and the rest of the people on the tour behind to watch us from the sidelines.

We danced, and though your staff seemed worried, we were all doing just fine. Until I led the others, as I am the leader of the group, in The Unsafety Dance. Everything was going fine until one of our members surprised Ginger with a victory cry, sending her backwards into a rack full of glass products. She fell down, and then one by one, we all started falling down. Now we're all cut up and angry. Then Ginger called the police, and the ambulance. She blamed her brother, and even worse, me, for starting all of this! And all your staff and the rest of the people on the tour took her side, leaving me and my dancers to be arrested!

How dare you make guided tours that expose people to broken glass? And how dare you issue us all a joint and severable bill for almost a million dollars? There's no way we're going to pay that! So we demand that you drop all charges, all medical bills, make safe tours for people, and give us free and unfettered access to your plant!

If you don't, we'll go back and perform dances from And the Banned Played On, which, as you know, features the most dangerous rock songs ever known. Someone always dies when that record is played or performed anywhere. And we'll do it in your plant, because we can! How do you think we got out of jail?

Signed,

Miss Irene Careless & the Flash Dancer Mob.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss Careless,

We have warnings all over that our glass is breakable. Therefore, all you'll recieve is a permanent ban and the charges will stick.

Sincerely,

Glibby Glass
Owner



Dear Gas Station Manager,

I came to get gas and your rude employee told me that I couldn't pump my own gas. I told him that no one but me touches my car and that the customer is always right. He had the nerve to tell me to leave so I pushed him out of the way, pumped my gas, and drove off without paying. I demand you fire this employee, give me free gas for life, or I will post on Facebook that you don't trust customers to pump their own gas.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Fussy

[wolfie]

Dear Mrs. Fussy,

Youse gotta realize that it's the law around here that nobody is allowed to pump der own gas. Dis applies only to gasoline and E85 - if youse want to fuel your own car, we've got a couple a diesel pumps. Da one closest to da store has da small nozzle on it ('09-15 VW owners keep complainin' dey can't fill up), so it'll fit yer car.

Sincerely, Guido
Joisey Gas an' Convenience



Dear Smith's Supply Shed,

I ordered a couple of keys of coke from your company - you had a really good price - but you pulled a rip. Anyone can tell that the stuff you sent isn't coke - it's crumbly black stuff. If you don't send me what I ordered, me and my boys are going to arrange for you to sleep with the fishes.

Sincerely,

A. Dope.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Dope,

The stuff we sold to you is a fuel known as coke. If you're looking for the white stuff, we do not sell illegal drugs. I seriously hope you aren't threatening me. My cousin is the country sheriff.

Sincerely,

John Smith

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Dear Dr. Foster, DVM,

I heard one of my friends say he enjoyed "Hiding the Salami," with his girlfriend. My wife and I thought this game would be fun. So, I went to the grocery to get salami. Then I hid the salami behind the couch. My wife found it easily. Then she hid it under the bed. Unfortunately, our cats found it before I could.

How can we play "Hide the Salami" without our cats eating the salami?

Sincerely,

Hugh G. Rection.

[mjr]

Dear Mr. Rection:

"Hiding the Salami" is a euphemism for something else. It's not a literal phrase. Salami is often a slang term for male genitalia, and in order to "hide" it, well, I'll let you figure that part out.

With Subtlety,

Dr. Foster, DVM.

*************

Dear Rasslin' Company:

I ain't gonna pay for no more of your pay per views! I saw the bad guy Triple Z hangin' out at a bar with the good guy Y4K. They was drinkin' and talkin' and havin' themselves a good ole time!

I thought them guys really hated each other, I didn't know they's friends! But they got up and shook hands and said "See you in the next town!", like they's friends or somethin'.

You done ruined rasslin' for me!

You need to make rasslin' real again (like it was in the 1980's and 1990's). You can't let a good guy and a bad guy hang out together if they ain't rasslin'. You gotta make rasslin' real again! So I think you should give me tickets, a hotel room, and airplane tickets for life to RassleFrenzy, as well as money every year for food and them good, expensive rasslin' belts, because I'm so upset! Maybe then I'll buy more of them pay per views! You ruined rasslin' for me!

Unscripted,

R. Ed Neckmark
Rasslin' Fan

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Neckmark,

I absolutely plan on telling those men that they can't be friends and that they shan't meet in public unless it ends up in a televised brawl. But I need a hundred bucks to go and do that. As soon as you forward that money, I'll tell those men to curtail - (that means quit) being friendly.

I promise that I will give you the personal and best pay per views, in my opinion, for just fifty dollars a video. But you'll get inside exclusives, such as interviews and deleted scenes in the fight.

I will gladly give you tickets, for the measly processing fee of two thousand dollars, and I can certainly get you a hotel room for an additional two thousand dollars. The airplane tickets are a bit harder, but a good three grand should make that easy.

As for RassleFrenzy, if you pay me five thousand dollars for a processing fee, I can get you into the ring so that you can fight both of the men who disappointed you personally. Get your revenge and be the hero to your little, er, I mean, noble trailer park. That'd be the best way to get a belt, wouldn't it? Just think of it. And as for money, you beat both of these world-class athletes in the ring in front of the whole world, you'll have more money than your diminut - I mean, clever little mind can fathom - dream of. All it'll take is twenty grand and I can make all your dreams come true. Surely you can make that kind of money. I await your reply.

Heartfeltedly yours,

Mr. D. Frauder,
Owner of Planet-wide Wrestling Confederacy.

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Dear Food In a Flash,

I am absolutely angry with your store, because when I went in last week, I saw a great big sign that said "No bills over 20.00." Well, my family and I just ordered whatever we wanted on the menu, with my frequent reassurances that the twenty dollar bill in my wallet would cover everything.

But instead of covering it, the check came out to almost a hundred dollars! How dare you? I called the manager to complain that your employee was breaking the rules, deliberately charging each member of my family personally twenty dollars and only giving my mother-in-law a little discount.

Next thing I know, my mother-in-law, who never liked me anyway and likes to call me stupid, foolish, and a waste of air, apologizes to the manager and hands him her emergency-contingency credit card to cover our meal, which it does. I was so humiliated, I barely felt like eating in the feast the rest of my family enjoyed.

My meal and my family's dining experience was ruined, and now my mother-in-law has added this whole thing into her list of excuses to henpeck my wife about marrying me and, worse yet, breeding two boys.

I demand that you make your manager and your employees obey the "No bills over 20.00" sign, that you give me a full refund for the meal, and free gift certificates for my entire family (except my mother-in-law. We don't need her.)

If you won't, I'll personally invite a couple of destructive wrestlers I happen to know to your store and get them drunk. You won't have a store left standing!

Signed,

Mr. K. N. Ave.

[mjr]

Dear Mr. Ave:

"No bills over $20" does not mean your food will cost a maximum of $20. Yes, certain things you have to pay are called "bills". But you know that paper money in your wallet? That's also called a "bill". You know the one with the 20 on it, and the guy's face on it? That is a $20 bill and the guy on it is Andrew Jackson. It has a "value" of twenty dollars. That means we won't accept anything from you larger than a twenty dollar bill. So if your bill was $45, you would have to give us two twenty dollar bills and one five dollar bill, because 20 + 20 + 5 = 45.

As far as your mother-in-law's comments, she may be on to something.

By the way, as far as inviting destructive wrestlers that you happen to know? I'm good friends with D. Frauder, who owns Planet-wide Wrestling Confederacy. So I'll be sure to pass that info on to him.

So you get nothing.

Disrespectfully,

Jack Caja
Owner, Food In A Flash

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Dear Dizzyney:

I know that you recently bought the rights to all of the Space Fight movies. In the past there hasn't been a lot of merchandise for these movies, but after watching them all again (including The Power Wakes Up and Outlaw One, as well as the earlier ones The Hidden Threat, The Identical Fights, and The Bad Guy Gets Even), I decided I wanted a Glowing Sword. My friend told me that there's no such thing, and that we don't have the science or the technology to make one! If these things aren't real, you shouldn't have them in movies! That's false advertising! I saw one in my local big box store the other day, but it was an obvious fake!

I also told my friend I wanted to try to see if I could use The Power. He told me he didn't think The Power was real, either!

Your company is swindling people out of money!

So I demand that you give me a refund, and give me and my family passes to go to any movie I want for the rest of our lives, as well as 50% of the profits of all of the Space Fights movies from now on!

Otherwise, I will come down to your Dizzyney Land and Dizzyney World parks and go to the Space Wars section and tell everybody that the movies are fake! Then I will go to your headquarters and start breaking all of the equipment used to make the Space Wars movies! And then I will sue for false advertising!

Fix this!!

Not Sincerely,

Gull I. Ble

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Ble,

What the people are doing in the movies is acting and what we use is called special effects. Therefore, all you'll get is arrested if you so much as show up at our headquarters.

Sincerely,

Walt Dizzyney
Owner



Dear Mr. Mean Doctor,

Why did you tell my mommy that she was having another baby? I'm supposed to be her's and Daddy's one and only. Make the baby go away right now. If you don't, I will run away from home.

Sincerely,

Ida Wanda Beabigsister

[XCashier]

Dear Ida,

Your parents are having a healthy baby boy, so look at it this way: you're their only daughter.

Please don't run away from home. You're only six; you won't be able to take care of yourself, and you'll make your mommy and daddy cry. Besides, you have a very important and fun role to look forward to: you'll be the Big Sister and help your little baby brother grow up to be a good boy. I know you'll be able to do it. I've even enclosed a nice T-shirt saying "I'm the Big Sister" in sparkly pink and purple, your favorite colors, just for you.

Sincerely,
Dr. Obie G. Wyenn

* * *

Dear calendar people,

I bought my 2016 calendar from you last year, and I want a refund! 2016 was the Worst Year Ever! I mean, it sucked so much that Dyson and Hoover are taking notes! Half of my favorite singers and actors are dead now, and it's all 2016's fault!

I demand a re-do of 2016. You make the calendar, you make it happen!

Sincerely,
Ty Msup

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mr Msup,

I'm afraid we can't do as you wish, not having access to a time machine. Might I suggest that you contact Dr Who instead?

Yours,

Awesome Calendars.

~~~

Dear petrol station manager,

Every single time I come to your petrol station, you've put the price up! It's unacceptable and I won't have it! Your employees keep saying that they have no control over the price, but it's obvious they're only saying that. I don't care that the price of oil keeps going up; put the prices down now or I will tell all my Facebook friends to boycott your store.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs Anita Chilpil.

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Chilpil,

We cannot control the price of oil. We must adjust our prices or we go out of business.

Sincerely,

Brian Pullman

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Dear Rose and Kaori, owners of Miss Dragon's Killer Workouts,

Recently, you had an ad that had the slogan, "We'll whip you into shape." Since I started, I have lost 20 pounds. I'm pleased with the results, but I'm disappointed that neither one of you used a whip.

If neither one of you is going to use a whip, you really need to change your slogan.

Sincerely,

Hugh G. Rection

[Kristev]

OOC: You forgot the trainers - the Dragon Ladies.

[mjr]

it sucked so much that Dyson and Hoover are taking notes!

Off topic: I'm stealing that.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Rection,

Whip into shape is a euphanism. Using real whips on you is illegal.

Sincerely,

Rose & Kaori
Owners, Miss Dragon Killer Workouts



Dear Computer Store Manager,

You had no right to fire me! All I did was tell the customer that he had no right to own a computer because he was wearing messy clothes. I demand my job back at once with a raise. If you don't, I will destroy your office.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Highclass