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Laws That Should Be passed

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  • #46
    Bartender's new laws!

    From a bartender in a popular tourist resort town, a few laws of my own:

    1. If you are not purchasing anything from me at all, do not ask me for change for the parking meter. If you aren't, and you do, and I refuse, and you take an attitude with me, you will be forced to spit polish my bar for a week, and your vehicle will be towed to the bad part of town to be stripped for parts for crack money.

    2. If I tell you the drink specials of the day, and they are not to your liking, this is not a sign for you to try to negotiate drink specials more appealing to you. Any attempts to do so will result in you being forcefed room temperature shots of the cheapest nastiest tequila I have...served from the glass of the unshowered unnkempt white trash redneck that just left in search of various illegal substances.

    3. I do not determine the prices. The owners and management of the bar determine the prices. Do not complain about the prices, or attempt to negotiate new prices more to your liking--this is a resort town, and these are the prices! Failure to obey this law will result in you not only being charged double, but being forced to buy a round for every single person that enters my bar that day, until some other cheap schmuck makes the same mistake, and takes over that role from you.

    4. If we are out of a particular drink/item, no, I am NOT going down to the local convenience store/food market to get some more just for you. Things run out, management misorders, shit happens. Deal with it. Any snide jokes about my going to said store for said item will result in you forfeiting your credit card to me so that I may shop at my favorite store on my day off for whatever the hell I want....and I have expensive taste!

    5. If we do not have your particular choice of beer/wine/liquor/food, no amount of whining will change this. There are 300 other bars in this town, feel free to go to any of them in search of your poison of choice. Continued whining/complaining/bitching about our lack of catering to your questionable taste will result in your being forced to clean my bar mats at the end of my shift....orally.

    6. Yes, I do require your ID if you appear under the age of 30. This is not to fuck with you or to piss you off or because I don't like people like you. This is because in this particular state, it happens to be required by state law. I did not make the law, nor did I determine what is considered an acceptable for of identification for alcohol purchases in this state, but I do have to work under the law in place. Hell, if it were up to me, I would gladly sell liquor to anyone who had the money to pay for it, whatever their age, and we would all have a lot of fun....but since I am not in charge of such things, I have to go with what the elected officials have determined to be appropriate for my locale. If you do not have what the state deems to be acceptable ID and you give me attitude about asking you for it in the first place, I will be allowed to take the largest bottle of the spirit you requested and forcibly sodomize you with it. For my sake, I hope you are a fan of something in an oddly shaped bottle!

    7. I will gladly give you information about my happy little tourist town if I am not busy with paying customers. If, however, my bar is three deep and I am doing everything I can to provide good service and good drinks to those paying and TIPPING me for such, any attempt to force your way in front of them to ask 38 questions that I don't have the time to answer will be met with scorn, ridicule, you will forfeit your right to visit my happy little tourist town, and you will be given a ride in the backseat of our most psychotic taxicab driver, as he takes you RIGHT OUT OF our happy little tourist town! (If you're lucky, he won't play chicken with delivery trucks this time.)

    8. When possible, I will do my best to give you separate checks if you ask for them. If, however, there are 23 of you ordering drinks and food as fast as I can get them to you while I am also dealing with other customers at my bar, you and your friends are getting one check. Not 2, not 3, not 23, but one big fat check. Period. If you and your hard-drinking cohorts can't figure out the basic math of what each of you owe and complain, whine, or bitch about the situation, each one of you will be required to stick one of your hands in an operating blender, and then cut my lemons, limes and oranges for the rest of the day. (Don't worry...eventually those bloodcurdling screams you emit will go away as you lose your voice....)

    9. Free drinks are special things I do for customers I like and who have been a pleasure to deal with. They are not a right, a privelege, or an entitlement. If I do not give you a free drink, that is your problem, not mine. If you whine about getting something for nothing; or worse, if I DO get you a free drink, and you whine about that drink that you are not paying for, the penalty will be twofold: (A) You have to wear a t-shirt that says "I AM A CHEAP WHINEY BASTARD" for the rest of your vacation, and (B) you will only be allowed to go to the bars that no one else wants to go to anymore, that are no fun, and that are past their prime. You know...the kind of place that you probably frequent back home.

    10. If you dine and/or drink at my establishment, enjoy the food, drinks, and service, and leave me a lousy tip, you will be confined for the rest of your stay to a beach with fat pale German tourists in speedos.


    Thank you, Zero...you are my new Hero! (And you get a free drink if ever you are in my bar!)
    Last edited by Jester; 07-13-2006, 06:58 AM.

    "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
    Still A Customer."

    Comment


    • #47
      Quoth Jester
      If you do not have what the state deems to be acceptable ID and you give me attitude about asking you for it in the first place, I will be allowed to take the largest bottle of the spirit you requested and forcibly sodomize you with it. For my sake, I hope you are a fan of something in an oddly shaped bottle!
      I really don't think that the administration and moderators of our fine board look highly upon enforced sodomy.

      That's a funny, evil thought, though. I may have an occasion to say such a thing at some point.
      Unseen but seeing
      oh dear, now they're masquerading as sane-KiaKat
      There isn't enough interpretive dance in the workplace these days-Irv
      3rd shift needs love, too
      RIP, mo bhrionglóid

      Comment


      • #48
        Hey, I said that that is one of the new laws I would want enacted...this is all about laws we wish were in place, right? Can't I dream just a wee bit?

        "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
        Still A Customer."

        Comment


        • #49
          There should be a law against religious prostelitizing. If I wanted to know, I'd ask you about your religion.

          Comment


          • #50
            Any time the SC uses "I know my rights" when they clearly don't (Mis priced stock, returns etc) they're forced to study, for a period of no less than one month, the relevant consumer laws, sales acts and local legisalation and pass a test at the end of it.
            Lady, people aren't chocolates. D'you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling. Dr Cox - Scrubs

            Comment


            • #51
              Quoth Kusanagi
              you yell at me how it isn't my job to raise your kid
              "Well, someone's gotta do it, and it sure looks like it ain't you today."

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