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  • *hugs*

    To all who need them.

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    • Clementine got her White Belt today. FINALLY.

      And now she's melting down because of her math homework. *le sigh*
      And you're welcome (in regards to my avatar).

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      • Comes is and curls up in the corner

        I have had two weeks from hell. Hubby has been in the hospital for the last two weeks with abdominal pain. They can not find the problem. He will come home either tomorrow or Saturday and I will take him to his NF specialist as soon as I can get him worked in.

        Tonight I am here alone with the cat. Little Bits is at All State

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        • *hugs FCCR*
          "You are loved" - Plaidman.

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          • I feel so guilty about wanting attention for myself when so many other people are in pain. I've joined grief chats and gone to groups and done stuff to try and be with people that I can talk to, but I always freeze up because I'm sure that people will sneer at me for being a silly little girl with stupid messed up priorities.

            In the last year, I've lost my mommy, the one person in the world I've always loved. Three weeks later, my only remaining grandma who I liked at all. Then two uncles. Then one of my great-uncles, who was my mom's favorite and who she trusted and loved, has started threatening to kick us off the land we've lived on for my entire life, even though we have as much claim to it as any of the other heirs, and I'm constantly stressing and worrying that people are going to drive in here and throw us out. I wouldn't care so much for myself and my dad and sister...we can find ways to take care of ourselves and have places to go, but our kitties...wherever we went, we couldn't take all our pets...and having to choose who we'd abandon just makes me cry. And this uncle and his wife even LIE to other folks about how horrible me and mine are, about all this nasty stuff WE'VE done. They went to a lawyer and told the lawyer we wanted to sell our share, and we DON'T. The lawyer might be a decent human being, from what my brother's said from talking to him, but I don't believe it, honestly...I'm sure he's just another person out to screw others over.

            I miss my mom every day, it's just the worst pain. The night it happened, things seemed normal. I was sitting down to play a computer game when she came out of her bedroom with my dad, saying she wasn't feeling good and was going to the hospital. She'd been to the hospital a lot, and it was usually just little stuff, relatively speaking, like her gallbladder that got taken out a few months before or stuff like that, so I didn't even think anything of it. But then just a minute after they got in the car, my dad came running in the house and yelling at me to get up and come on and help him...my mom had suddenly just thrown up all over herself and passed out in the backseat. So he was driving, and he kept trying to talk to her, but she was just out...and the hospital was so far away so he got on the phone and called for an ambulance to meet us halfway. And I was in the back with her, and I did all the stuff you're supposed to do, all the things I've trained to do, with putting them on their back and clearing their mouth and holding up her head and all that, and it just didn't work. I did everything I was supposed to do but I could tell that even if she lived, my mom as I knew her wasn't gonna be the same, but I just kept telling my dad "She's okay, she's okay, keep driving" because I couldn't tell him that, you know? And we got to the ambulance, and I'm trying to keep it together, act like things are normal to keep him going, but...we get to the hospital and after a little while they told us she was gone. The room she was in had blood on the walls...I don't know what they tried to do but they didn't save her. And I had to call my sister and brother and my aunt and tell everybody, and I was alone with my dad, and I just...you know, I didn't know what to do. It was so fast...like literally in an hour everything went from normal to just...hell.

            My sister is just angry all the time. She hates everything, she hates everyone, she says she's gotten stuck in the "anger" part of grief and it just makes her cranky and hateful...not to me really, just in particular. And I don't know if my dad's even dealing with it. I feel like they're both totally optimistic that nothing's going to happen and I'm the only one who realizes the world is full of people who WANT to screw things over. I've been stabbed in the back and let down and jerked around too damn much to be able to expect anything good now.

            And my dad...my dad is going to be 66 this year. He says that's not too old, most of his family has lived into their 80's, but my mom was only 59. And...this sounds so selfish, but I don't know what'll happen to me when he dies. I can't live on my own, I'll never be able to thanks to the autism...as much as I want to think I could, I know I can't. But I don't feel like I can burden my sister or brother or eventually my nephew or nieces with having to take care of me for the rest of their lives, so it's at the point that I just don't know.

            And I just can't make myself think any of this is important. My online buddies always come to me for help and comfort with their problems, and it's all the most piddly little shit...high school drama and bad grades and stuff like that, and I just want to SCREAM at them to shut up and man up, but that's not the right way to be, you know? So I just try to be as reassuring with them as I can but I don't have anyone to talk to...I feel like even there my problems just aren't important, that I'M just not important. The only person I could ever talk to is gone and there's no one to replace her. I don't have friends, I don't have a job where I have any meaningful interaction with people, I don't have people to go to, I'm by myself pretty much all the time.

            I don't want to die or anything extreme like that...but I just want everything to stop for a while, you know? I just want a break, I just want the badness to stop. I just want to get through a day without worrying what the next hell is going to be, or hear a phone ring without worrying that it's the police threatening to kick me out of my house or something. I just want something good for a change. I just want to not be scared all the time. I want someone to pay attention to me, even though that's so selfish.

            I'm sorry, I doubt anyone read all this, I just had to get it out somewhere, and I don't have anywhere else I can go to talk it out. Ya'll can just ignore it, it's fine. I just wanted to get it off my chest.
            "Maybe the problem just went away...maybe it was the magical sniper fairy that comes and gives silenced hollow point rounds to people who don't eat their vegetables."

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            • Quoth MystyGlyttyr View Post
              I'm sure that people will sneer at me for being a silly little girl with stupid messed up priorities.
              You are certainly nothing of the sort.


              Quoth MystyGlyttyr View Post
              I'm sorry, I doubt anyone read all this, I just had to get it out somewhere, and I don't have anywhere else I can go to talk it out. Ya'll can just ignore it, it's fine. I just wanted to get it off my chest.
              I haven't anything useful to say, but I can assure you that this have been read.
              Most of the people on the board are sleeping now, but come back in a few hours and see.

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              • *Cuddles MystyGlyttyr* I wish I could help somehow, just know that you're been heard. They're all stressful, horrible things for you to have to deal with and you're being a wonderfully strong person for your family and your friends. You deserve a break.
                Don't tempt pixies, it never ends well.

                Avatar created by the lovely Eisa.

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                • I sound like a paranoid psycho bitch and I apologize for that. I've just gotten so used to being hurt and ignored that I've gotten to a point where it's hard for me to convince myself that EVERYONE isn't going to hurt or ignore me, you know? But you know, thank you both for saying something
                  "Maybe the problem just went away...maybe it was the magical sniper fairy that comes and gives silenced hollow point rounds to people who don't eat their vegetables."

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                  • Wow...you have been through so much and now have to deal with this nightmare with your great-uncle and your living situation. Please don't minimize your feelings or your problems...they are very real and very painful. We are here for you. *** big hugs ***
                    "I was only LOOKING, I didn't mean to enter my card's CVV and actually ORDER! REFUND ME RIGHT NOW!!"

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                    • Mysty, I'm not going to lie and say I can help you directly, but your pain matters and YOU matter. And we're here for you, to listen to you and encourage you. I'm so sorry you've had such a horrible year. I can't say things will get better, but I can say I hope they do and that I'll be praying for you and sending good vibes your way. And I can send many virtual *hugs* as well.
                      "You are loved" - Plaidman.

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                      • Mysty, you're heard loud and clear. I'm so sorry you had to go through that with your mom. You have every right to how you feel. And I understand about your dad getting older; mine is 72. I don't know who has invalidated your feelings before, but we aren't those people. You do matter.
                        "Is it hot in here to you? It's very warm, isn't it?"--Nero, probably

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                        • *hugs* for Mysty.

                          All that loss in one year would be devastating to anyone.

                          If it helps, I think you're a great person. If ever need somebody to talk/vent/cry/whatever, feel free to PM me.

                          *hugs*
                          https://purplefish-quilting.square.site/

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                          • Thank you all for the kind words. I honestly...I would have come back to this board a lot sooner, but...I sort of worried "will they still like me if I'm not that snarling bitch for truth and justice anymore?" I know that sounds silly, but...for lack of a better way to say it, I've just been damaged rather badly and it's tough for me to have much confidence in anything anymore.

                            But I've never been anything but treated nicely here, and I'm kind of starting to remember how much I appreciate it here too
                            "Maybe the problem just went away...maybe it was the magical sniper fairy that comes and gives silenced hollow point rounds to people who don't eat their vegetables."

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                            • *offers MystyGlyttyr more hugs*
                              Driver Picks the Music, Shotgun Shuts His Cakehole.
                              Supernatural 9-13-05 to forever

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                              • I think I'm just gonna sit and cry today.

                                *sigh*
                                https://purplefish-quilting.square.site/

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