A canonical list of SCs

[MMATM]

The Liar: Insist that [item] "came that way" or that the damage to it "just happened." Will resort to shouting "are you calling me a liar?!" whenver you point out the inconsistencies in their story. Can turn into the Sueper Trooper, especially if you respond with "yes."

The Sueper Trooper: Will go to court at the drop of a hat... almost literally. Even when following every law and company policy, they will threaten to sue if they are not getting what they want. Sometimes becomes - but more often is the next stage of - the Lawmaker.

The Lawmaker: Very simple. They insist that you have to do whatever they want because, after all, "it's the law!" May be evolved from or may evolve into the Sueper Trooper.

The Customer Who's Always Wrong: Makes demands or argues with you about something, then recites (all together now) "the customer is always right." This is expected to tear a hole in the fabric of the universe and cause whatever was previously impossible or non-negotiable to suddenly become the only imaginable course of action.

Etiquette Nazi: Proclaims that they "don't like your attitude" whenever you express any emotion other than pure delight at the privelige of their presence. Will complain to whomever they can (passing employees, other shoppers, cashiers, people on the street, PFB or M3C, etc.) in an effort to make your life miserable. Similar to the Terrorist.

The Terrorist: Calls corporate or one of your superiors with a complaint about you personally. This occurs either when you are unable to resolve one of their issues or when you refuse to accomodate one of their demands (and they are always demands). They often leave unsatisfied and then come back after they have made their report and expect that because they "got you in trouble" that you will now be more willing to cooperate with them (read: give them whatever they want). Often can be defeated by simply refusing again, especially if your superiors backed you up on the first occasion. Other times, the suits can't quite get their heads out of their a**es so tell you to bow to the customer's wishes.

Duck, Duck, Goose: Walks around the store looking for the employee that appears easiest to intimidate (the "goose"). Once selected, will attempt to negotiate solely with this employee in the hopes that they will get a discount or freebie.

The Loyal Customer: Demands freebies or discounts, claiming that they are a "loyal customer" or that they "spend a whole lot of money in your store" though you have rarely, if ever, seen them before.

[Scottya21]

The Terrorist: Calls corporate or one of your superiors with a complaint about you personally. This occurs either when you are unable to resolve one of their issues or when you refuse to accomodate one of their demands (and they are always demands). They often leave unsatisfied and then come back after they have made their report and expect that because they "got you in trouble" that you will now be more willing to cooperate with them (read: give them whatever they want). Often can be defeated by simply refusing again, especially if your superiors backed you up on the first occasion. Other times, the suits can't quite get their heads out of their a**es so tell you to bow to the customer's wishes.

The most annoying part is when, in fact, your management decides to bow to their wishes, and then the customer has the impression that they caught YOU in a lie/misdeed/whatever. If low-level peon cashiers had the authority to make changes in policies or different decisions, we wouldn't need managers! Morons.

Unless of course the cashier was, in fact, lying or whatever. But we're not that kind of people around here ;-)

[kurisu7885]

The Loyal Customer: Demands freebies or discounts, claiming that they are a "loyal customer" or that they "spend a whole lot of money in your store" though you have rarely, if ever, seen them before.

Loyalty, peh. IF they were "loyal" they wouldn't be demanding freebies and be making sure the store makes money.

[GayleShy]

The former employee: This SC favorite line is "I used to work here so I know that you're supposed to do_____ this way." They have more often than not been fired from the store and will sometimes not even supposed to be in the store, because they have been banned. The banned FE will always look for a new cashier and hope that no one else notices them. The one that hasn't been banned will demand to talk to a supervisor if they don't get their own way, then act as if they were old friends, even if said super could not stand the former employee. They will use the old friends angle until it doesn't suit them anymore, then they will go to the I'm a customer now, and "I used to work her so I know that you're supposed to do_____ this way." It's a horrible circle.

The employee spouce: This SC is married to someone who works at the store, so of course they know everything about your job, even if you're a cashier, and the spouce is an over night stocker, who's never even worked a register. They will tell you how to even the smallest part of your job in a smug voice, hoping that you will look at them and wonder why in the world they don't work there too, because they are just that good. When really you are looking at them and wondering if you can get away with telling them where to stick it. Not a good plan, because they also happen to be the Terrorist form of SC as well, because they know how they are supposed to be treated.

[sarahj]

The former employee: This SC favorite line is "I used to work here so I know that you're supposed to do_____ this way." They have more often than not been fired from the store and will sometimes not even supposed to be in the store, because they have been banned. The banned FE will always look for a new cashier and hope that no one else notices them. The one that hasn't been banned will demand to talk to a supervisor if they don't get their own way, then act as if they were old friends, even if said super could not stand the former employee. They will use the old friends angle until it doesn't suit them anymore, then they will go to the I'm a customer now, and "I used to work her so I know that you're supposed to do_____ this way." It's a horrible circle.

I've had a few customers who "used to work here," thus demanding 'fresh' fries and 'freshly made' burgers, because they "know how it is." Our new system, in which everything is made as it's ordered, gets a "yeah, right," from these people. Argh! Why the %?#@ would I lie to you? I don't tell you "it's made when you order it" to amuse myself!

Here we go:

The Entitled Suggester: Maybe one time they got excellent, above-and-beyond service, and now want it every time. So they were in a fast food place and it was deserted, it took a minute for their order to be prepared so the server told them to take a seat and brought their meals out to them. Now, in a lunch rush, they have a short wait and tell the server, "we'll be sitting over there," pointing across the dining area, "bring it over when it's ready, we'll be waiting." Yeah, sure I will, when 'waitress' becomes part of my job title (read: never).

Once I was serving in the middle of a lunch rush and asked a manager to take a group's food over. "Why'd they sit down?" was the response I got, then when I explained The Entitled Suggester, "let them come back for it." I've actually told people to please wait at the side, it'll be 1-2 minutes (for real, no longer than that), and they've asked me to bring it out, I've told them I'm not allowed to leave my register because it's busy, and they tell me where they're sitting and disappear. The exception to this is customers who require me to bring their meals over regardless of any waiting time - elderly/disabled people. That's cool. They're actually entitled for real, not just in their minds.

[CSR628]

The ‘Repeater’: : : Asks a question, gets the answer, asks the same question using different words, gets the same answer, again and again. Ask, answer, and repeat until the only thing accomplished is wasted time.

The ‘Boss’ (God): Calls and tells you what you are going to do for them. Makes no difference what the policy is or how the software is written. We should be programmers and can override the system and give them what they want NOW.

The ‘I am Special’: Being one of 200 millions cell phone users, these people feel that they deserve special treatment, rewards, credits, free products, and /or service because???
They pay their bill each month,
They have more than one phone on their acct.,
They have used the service for several years,
They forgot to add phone insurance and lost/damaged their phone and need a new one FREE and now.

The ‘IneverGoOverMyMinutes’: Calls to get credits for valid overage. Say ‘I never go over my minutes’ when we can see they have in the past – many times. They say ‘I can’t understand how this happened’ and we can’t say ‘Because you talked too much and did not pay attention to your usage’. Or ‘I have always had Free Incoming calling’ when they never have had it and their price plan has never stated Free Incoming – yes, it has to state Free Incoming to be a Free Incoming price plan. They still want credit for being stupid.

The ‘IneverReadmyBills’: Calls to question charges that they have been paying for months and even years and just now noticed. Wants credits because they never read the bill and just pay it each month. OK, then just keep paying and stop reading or cancel the service today – but no credit for being stupid.

The “Ass-u-mer”: They assumed they had this or that, used the service, and received extra charges. Never read the bill that states what they have or called to ask. Their friend has that service so they just assumed they did too. They assume if they order a phone after 3 pm that it will be delivered the next day. No, you can’t go to a store and pick up a free phone and then return it when your phone arrives. They assumed that the cell phone worked off of satellites. They assumed that every company has coverage everywhere. They assumed that their cell phone will work anywhere in the world – even at sea or on a remote island. Yes - Canada is an international call from the United State as is Mexico. Yes, please read your contact before signing because you will be held to the policies and it is not someone else’s responsibility to read it to you (especially a Saleman).

The “Tethered”: They can’t live a minute or a day without their cell phone. They call because they lost or broke their phone and want a replacement now – this minute [We CSRs can all pull a phone out of A** and push it thur the landline to them.] They call because they haven’t paid the bill for months and it is suspended. [ You have to Pay to Play]. They never power cycle [turn off – then on] their phone because they might miss a call. They call because the phone says ‘Service Restricted’ and how dare we restricted their service. After a power cycle it is working again but don’t expect a thank you – more likely we get a ‘hang up’. Their phone is their business and -no -they do not have a landline as a backup. Big mistake, people.

[ToasterQueen]

The Crazy Accent Guy - The one who calls you screaming for parts and a lower price and an expedited ship date three hundred words per minute in the most incomprehensible accent you can fathom.

[myswtghst]

A few addendums/additions of my own

My own addition:

The Bad Reception Dude: This guy calls in, and swears the call will be quick. He usually prefaces it by saying that he's driving, so he can't write anything down, and he may drop the call, but that he HAS to do this now. He then will roll down his window, scream over the interference, and generally get annoyed when you ask him to repeat everything he says, as if it if your fault he decided to call from the road.

The Screamer: Begins the conversation screaming & doesn't quit until transferred to a supervisor because frankly, you don't earn enough to endure that kind of attitude.

An addendum to this:

The "It's No Good If It Comes Out of Your Mouth" Screamer: The caller who calls in already riled, uses every last drop of your patience as you walk them through it multiple times, states "Obviously you can't help me so I'll need to speak to your supervisor," only to have the lightbulb go on when the sup tells them the same thing you've been telling them for 10 minutes, in exactly the same words.

The Stand-Up Comedian: The customer who busts out with a product/sale/store/industry-related wisecrack that you hear at least once an hour. They are usually mildly offended when you don't laugh hysterically. Example: "Would you like to pay those late fees today?" "Well, I wouldn't like to!" They think they are very witty and original. It is vital that you leave this delusion intact, lest the firm, icy grip of reality crush their fragile spirit.

And this:

The Lottery Guy: In response to "Is there anything else I can help you with today?" at the end of each call, heasks the most over-used "joke" in our call center: "How bout those winning lottery numbers?" One variation on this is "How bout a hundred/thousand/million dollars in a box?" Because if I had either, I would obviously still be working here.

Oh, and one more.......


Personal Emergency

Unless you work in some sort of emergency service like I have the misfortune of doing you may have never encountered this wonderful speciman. They'll typically call in the middle of the night with some utterly insignificant problem. They will insist that you get a hold of a property manager, technician, security guard etc for their problem.

Again, keeping in mind that I do dispatch for 911 centers, Police, Fire, etc...

The "I Want It Done Tonight": The person who is fully aware that there is only one on call tech in their area that night, that all repair facilities are closed down for the evening, and still wants to have someone come look at his/her sticky mouse/foot pedal/other minute problem TONIGHT.

And finally:

Mr./Ms. Non-Sequiter

These are the SC's who answer yes or no questions with a lengthy story that has little if anything to do with what their issue is, then get mad when you can't help them just by using your psychic powers. They will volunteer everything down to their underwear size EXCEPT what you actually asked them for.

I get the opposite, quite often--people who answer a "This or That" question with yes. Ok, but which one, this or that?


There are more, but my brain is too fried from the $hit I've dealt with today to process them right now.

[MMATM]

The eBayer: Waits and waits and waits on the release date of some new product (usually video game related, especially consoles) buys the product, then promptly goes on eBay and posts the product for an absurdly inflated price, expecting that nobody will notice the 300% markup even though the price of the product has been saturating the market's advertising slots for months. Best ignored.

The Dodger: Will ask for something (e.g. a turkey sandwich at a sandwich shop) that turns out to be unavailable (e.g. out of sliced turkey). By the time the employee discovers the problem, the customer will have disappeared from sight. When the customer returns (from the bathroom, from window-shopping at another store, from their car, from wherever) they will proceed to bitch and moan at the employee for not having their order. When told that there is no more of whatever they ordered, they will either bitch about "Why didn't you tell me? I know I was in the bathroom why didn't you come and knock and ask me if I'd like something else?" or whine and complain until the employee magically produces the desired order out of their ass. As this rarely happens, they usually resort to transforming into an Etiquette Nazi or a Terrorist in the hopes that they will get freebies. Never promise these people anything, even by saying "ok" to their order, or you will be cast into SC Hell.

[Dips]

The Fiddler: This SC will call for tech support and repeatedly declare he is "computer illiterate." However, he will keep insisting on fiddling with stuff while on the phone with you instead of waiting for your instructions. This often results in creating an even bigger problem which you have no idea how to fix because the Fiddler will immediately forget what he just did ("I don't know. I just clicked something and it stopped working. What do I do now?") and, therefore you won't be able to help him undo it. Since you are pausing for a moment trying to figure out how best to untangle the mess he just made, he will become impatient and do some MORE fiddling and f*** things up beyond all hope of repair.

Of course, this will be YOUR fault.

[ArenaBoy]

The Grunter: Speaks in monosyllabic phrases, can range from a young person to an old person. Prominent in old men. For example, run through standard greeting, only to hear with "ITEM!"

[techsupptodd]

The Fiddler: This SC will call for tech support and repeatedly declare he is "computer illiterate." However, he will keep insisting on fiddling with stuff while on the phone with you instead of waiting for your instructions. This often results in creating an even bigger problem which you have no idea how to fix because the Fiddler will immediately forget what he just did ("I don't know. I just clicked something and it stopped working. What do I do now?") and, therefore you won't be able to help him undo it. Since you are pausing for a moment trying to figure out how best to untangle the mess he just made, he will become impatient and do some MORE fiddling and f*** things up beyond all hope of repair.

Of course, this will be YOUR fault.

Ok I really hate The Fiddler but my personal favorite one is The Cell Phone Caller. They call in to tech support becasue teh program is not working and they are on their cell phone...in their car...2 hours away from a computer that has the program or is netowrked to the server with program. They are calling in now because you might magically know what is wrong with the program when They cannot tell you what the error says or why they think it is wrong.

[Dips]

The Thinker: This SC has his own ideas of what your job is, what your company's business model is and what your policies are. The Thinker is not interested in actual facts. The facts must bend to what he thinks they ought to be. If you don't bend the facts to his way of thinking, he will employ the Long Pause (see: SC Weapons), perhaps combined with the Expectant Stare, to try to make you do what he wants.

Lines which will come out of The Thinker's mouth are:

"I thought I could return this without a receipt."

"I thought you were open."

"I thought it was free."

"I didn't think I needed ID."

Closely related to The Thinker are The Unknowing ("I didn't know it had to be in the original box before you could take it back" [therefore you have to take it back]) and The Unseeing ("Well, I didn't see the warning sign/your car/the red light" [therefore the accident is not my fault]).

[Professional Serf]

The Cell Phone Symbiont: She'll flag you down, clearly in a huff that you've dared to come between her and her daemon familiar, she'll then deign to tell you what she's looking for...eye contact is out of the question though, you're the servant! She'll then dismiss you with a flick of her hand only to reappear moments later, clearly in a huff, when she realizes she can't lift said item with one hand.

[Lyger]

The Artful Dodger - Usually found on tech support lines. When asked a question, he may start off with what sounds like an intelligent answer... and will then quickly putter off into something else, like stories about his mom with Alzheimer's that he suddenly remembered by talking about the amount of memory his computer has... will often need to be told to get back on topic, which may end up with the Artful Dodger yelling at you for being rude.

The One-Trick Pony - "Customer" who simply will not give up trying to scam the store or get the employees fired... using the exact same tactic every time he does so. No matter how many times his scheme is defeated, he will get right back up and try it again, almost as if he enjoys it. One-Trick Pony may or may not go away if banned from the store.

The Preacher - SC who is quick to call down divine retribution and the wrath of a vengeful God for a CSA that refuses to meet his inane demands.

The Hormone - Young male teenager who is obnoxious simply for the sake of being obnoxious. Probably has watched a few too many episodes of Punk'd or Jackass, and somehow wants the subject of his jeers to find humor in it, too. (You have to experience far too many of these when you work near a high school...)