The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Kit-Ginevra]

Dear Mrs.Protective,
Please accept our deepest apologies.For some reason the casting directors have taken leave of their senses-I don't know what they were thinking.I personally felt that little Willibaldina displayed all the necessary traits required to beautifully portray Second Slug.As requested,I have taken an executive decision to have her immediately cast in our next movie.No audition will be necessary as I feel she will suit the part to a T.Her role will be Third Dung-eating Fly.
I trust this meets with your approval and that your threat to our movie sets will not now be carried out.That is a shame however as the timing would be perfect for our other major project Inferno at the Studio!
Yours sincerely,
Mr Alfred D.Rector
Rector Films Ltd.
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The Manager
MegaStorez Ltd
Dear Sir,
I am outraged by your decision to bar me and my children from your store.Since it was Black Friday and all those shoppers were getting very upset and fraught at the doors before opening time,they merely decided to make them all smile by releasing the bunch of wind-up mice as they all entered.Your security staff have no sense of humor-I thought it was quite hilarious watching everyone dodge out of the way.They were just kids having a bit of fun,not d**n stupid idiots who could have killed someone.I demand we be let in half an hour before the doors open next week to get our pick of products to make up for the embarrassment your sour old security who can't take a joke caused them or I'll tell everyone what a mean misery you are.You wouldn't want that at Christmas would you?
Mrs.Hilary S. Jape

[BroSCFischer]

Dear Ms. Jape,

The "prank" in question resulted in a stampede which caused no less than 15 broken limbs, 4 concussions, 1 person was severely crushed when they fell over due to the press of the crowd, and one elderly woman suffered a heart attack due to a phobia of mice.

However, I would like to thank you for sending us your complaint, as now we have a name and address to give to provide for the medical claims being made. As these are a direct result of the "joke" you should feel free to enjoy a laugh as your debt mounts.

Sincerely,

Mike Trap
General Manager
Megastores, Inc Store #666

*************************************************

Too whom it may concern,

My name being John Smith, and I am having a large problem. I am having $30.000.000,00 that I must get out of my home country. Unfortunately, I do not have an foreign account for transfer. Please to be providing your personal banking information, and I will be giving half of the money to you.

Thank you in advance,

Jon Smith

[catcul]

Dear "John Smith" or "Jon Smith,"

That's a nice try. However, we have tracked down your IP address and have barred you from sending any more messages to our clients.

Have a nice day,

Steve Gates, CIO, Surf Wave Internet

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Dear Kardashian University,

We were at your orientation two weeks ago, when the tour guide showed us the biology labs. My son was intrigued by one of your labs. When he asked to go in to look at it, that rude tour guide refused, muttering something about "deadly bacteria," "deadly viruses," and "deadly protozoa." When I asked for clarification, she said something about "dying." My son and I decided to go in anyway, but the rent-a-cops came and hauled both of us off the campus.

Yesterday, the admissions office has decided to say that my son has been rejected. How dare they? My son worked hard for that 2.01 GPA in high school. I demand that you admit my son to your university, or I will enter that lab and release those "deadly bacteria."

Sincerely,

Snow Ghobb

[BroSCFischer]

Ms. Ghobb:

This is to inform you that your letter has been transferred to the FBI for terrorist threats.

I hope you enjoy the Federal Penitentiary for the next 20 years or so.

Sincerely,

Fred Physarum
Dean of Admissions
Kardashian University

*********************************************

To whom it may concern:

My family recently stayed at your hotel, and were appalled at the conditions. The rooms had no heat, and this was January! When I called the desk to complain, they told us that they would look into it. When the desk monkey came to our room to check, he complained that he couldn't breathe, and said it was like a sauna. That idiot couldn't possibly know what he was talking about, my family was freezing.

I demand that a full refund be given for my dissatisfaction with my stay, and that I receive a weeks free accommodation through your hotel chain (but NOT YOU!) or I will go to the press about how you tried to kill us by not heating our room.

Sincerely,

Eva B. Frost

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Frost,

According to our records, you stayed in the hotel in Sidney, Australia. We do not turn on the heat during the summer. I do not understand how you could have been cold when you didn't turn on your air conditioner. It was 38°C (100°F) that week.

You will not get any money back, nor will we give you any free nights.

Sincerely,

Deborah Sheradon, Sleepy Night Hotels

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Dear Security ATM's,

Why do you have to make your ATM's so heavy? I pulled my truck into a convenience store late at night. When I tried to remove the ATM, it turned out that it was extremely heavy. I had great difficulty putting it into my truck. I had to leave it behind when that rude policeman showed up. I demand that you pay my bail and damage to my truck.

Sincerely,

Mo Ron Robber

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Robber,

We had no idea that the ATM was anywhere near that heavy! As it turned out, the reason for the great weight was that it was filled to the brim with money! You managed to break the ATM so it no longer weighs hardly anything as all the money fell out. Unfortunately, we cannot help you because firstly, that ATM contained all of our money, that 'policeman' seems to have taken early retirement. He won't say why, but we do know that he quit his job and moved to live out the rest of his life on some paradisical tropical island.

So, Mr. Robber, since we can't get our money back, we can't help you. And even if we could, we would refuse, because we blame you for breaking our ATM and letting that pretend policeman get away with all our money. You should sue him, 'cause we're suing you. Just as soon as we can afford to, that is.

Sighned

Mr. Allexeen One-Baskette,

Security ATM.

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Dear Virigina's Fried Burgers Restaurant,

We went to your eating establishment because we were hungry after our long bike ride across the entire country and yours was the first eating place that we saw. But when we went in and read the menu, to our disgust, everything on it was fried, baked, full of sugars and saturated fats! Everyone there looked happy, but they also looked horribly fat!

Naturally, I and my group demanded to talk to the manager. When the fat blob arrived, we demanded that he immediately correct his menu with healthy choices and fresh vegetables! He instead informed us that we had no right to barge into the restaurant like we owned the place and insult everyone there for not being as thin and healthy as we were.

He also told us that we'd sent an old man to a heart attack because we wouldn't stop badgering him for being fat when he hadn't even eaten anything yet, and that we made a little girl cry because one of us knocked the ice cream out of her hand and replaced it with a carrot, then threatened to call C. P. S. on her mother for allowing her to eat ice cream in the first place!

We demand that you issue a public apology for making a place that still serves unhealthy food and where fat people can go and collect themselves. Looking at one is disgusting enough, but a whole restaurant? The whole lot of you make us sick! Rework your menu to make it conform to our standards of how you should cook, reduce your portion sizes to where your jumbo-size is now the size of a thimble rather than a tugboat, ban all sugar from the premises, and ban all people who weigh more than one-hundred and fifty pounds. Make that one hundred and twenty-five. And that you replace the playground with an exercise gym and make it mandatory that people work out there after they've eaten your food!

If you don't, we'll call the Food Police, and we'll stage sit-ins, go straight to the media and complain that you're the last restaurant that hasn't bowed to our will at least partially yet, and we've all agreed that as a last resort we're going to douse your restaurant in oil and burn it down, then rebuild it to make it a restaurant we can all be proud of! And we'll bring the entire Fat-Shamers guild with us, including the people from The Biggest Loser, to make your pathetic patrons take responsibility for themselves and stop stuffing their overfed, sickening faces!

Sincerely,

Prohib-It & Bannal Yumminess , husband and wife owner of the Healthier Than Thou Club.

[BroSCFischer]

Dear Mr. an Mrs. Yumminess:

Back in the Seventies when I initially took over this restaurant, I changed it from a traditional fast food, to a veggie burger restaurant.

I had no customers.

Finally, facing bankruptcy, I relented and changed it back to serve the same food it originally had. I also renamed it after my late wife. Business had been booming ever since.

In response to your demands, I have filed a restraining order against you with my buddies on the police force. If you come within 200 yard of this property you WILL be arrested.

Thank you for your interest,

John McDuff
Proprietor, Virginia's Fried Burgers (formerly McDuff's, McBeth's and Duncan's)

********************************************

To whom it may concern:

I went to your store and saw that you were completely out of stock on a chair that was advertised to be on sale. When I asked the stock-boy to look for more, he refused, saying he knew that there weren't anymore. I went to the manager to complain about his attitude, and the manager told me that the boy was right, and that they wouldn't be getting anymore in. This is UNACCEPTABLE!!!11!

I demand that in the future, you make sure to have everything in stock at all times, and that i get a full living room set for free for my inconvenience or I will put you out of business.

Sincerely,

D. F. N. Blind

[catcul]

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Yumminess,

It's obvious that you haven't read our menu. We offer turkey burgers and chicken sandwiches. We will not change our menu to please people that may not buy food from us again. Also, yelling at the old man is considered harassment. Slapping that ice cream from that little girl is considered assault. If you step inside our restaurant one more time, we will have you arrested on the spot.

It's obvious that you have never heard of The Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas, NV.

Sincerely,

Virginia Borden, Virginia's Fried Burgers

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Dear Canadian Football League,

Why would you hold the Grey Cup in Regina, Saskatchewan? It's going to be freaking cold. Why couldn't you hold it in Miami, FL? When we get up there, you better have parkas available for my family and me to buy.

Sincerely,

Felix Pantera

[cindybubbles]

Dear D.F.N. Blind:

The reason why we aren't ordering any more chairs like that is because of the mandatory product recall concerning its safety. It has a tendency to fall to pieces, especially when people like you throw it off highway bridges just to make a YouTube video about it.

So you will not receive a free living room set. You will not receive anything at all, because you are banned from this store. We hope this action will prevent our furniture from being damaged by the likes of you.

Sincerely,

Precious Furniture Inc.

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Dear Mr. Pantera:

We can't hold the Grey Cup in Miami, Florida, because Florida is not part of Canada. Enough said.

In addition, the Saskatchewan Roughriders are hosting the Grey Cup this year, so it is only natural that the game be hosted in Regina, Saskatchewan.

Finally, you should be able to buy parkas in your hometown. Your local department store should be able to accommodate you before you leave. May I suggest you gas up, however, as it will be a long drive there. I'm assuming that you don't want to pay for a plane ride, of course.

Sincerely,

The Canadian Football League

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Dear Management:

Why the heck did you shut my water off? I paid my maintenance fees on time!

And why did it take TWO WHOLE HOURS to get it restored? I was dying of thirst here!

(based on this thread, but I never went to SC levels here)

Sincerely

Mr. Ned S. Hydration-Immediately

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Hydration-Immediately,

We apologize for shutting off the water to your building. We were forced to shut it off because one of your neighbors decided to flush a dishrag down the toilet, backing it up. We didn't know how far the obstruction was, but we didn't want to make the situation worse. Because of the problems he has caused us, we have evicted him.

Sincerely,

Neptune Aquarious, Manager, Buena Vista Apartments

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Dear Bithertz Computer Store,

I took my laptop down to your store to see why it was freezing up. It should have been fixed almost immediately. Imagine my irritation when it took FOUR HOURS. That moron "technician" said something about "100 viruses" and me needing anti-virus. First, we all know that anti-virus software is a huge scam. Second, we all know that you fix computers in your free time. Imagine my shock when that guy tried to charge me $100 to fix my laptop. He said he wouldn't give me back my laptop until I paid.

I demand that you give my laptop back, and fire that "technician."

Sincerely,

Ima Luddite

[Kristev]

Dear Miss Luddite,

We at Bithertz apologize for your computer difficulties, but your computer was never actually returned to you. It had so many viruses that we had to send it to the C. D. C. You will never get your laptop back, or at least that's what they report. What were you doing with that computer anyway?

No, Miss Luddite, anti-viral software is not a huge scam. Think of it as the windshield on your car. And yes, Miss Luddite, one must pay their bill.

I will not fire my son, and even if we could return your laptop, we wouldn't. No computer is safe in your hands and we beseech you to go seek medical attention.

Yours truly,
Cy Bernetic.

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Dear Holywood Independent Film Company,

I was disgusted when I went to see your movie, The Wounded Healer, because it told the story of a British doctor who had married an American man, fifteen years ago, but she was so committed to her job that she spent all her time with her patients rather than her husband and her family. So when he ran into an American girl that he used to date as a teenager, he resumed their relationship. Then the doctor found out.

And instead of fighting the girl, or destroying everything her husband had, the doctor turned to her brother, an Anglican priest, for advice. Then the doctor told us about the trauma she had been through, having survived an abusive relationship until she found the strength to fight back and leave, and that it ruined her ability to trust men ever again. She instead dove into her work at the clinic, trying desperately to save all her patients, no matter what, at the cost of her personal relationships.

There was no hitting, except for one scene where the doctor slapped her husband in the face after spending five straight minutes berating her. There was no swearing of any kind. The worst thing anyone ever said was fiddlesticks, and that was a woman with a husband dying of cancer! No car chases, nothing getting blown up, nobody getting arrested by some supercop who thrashes baddies around! With the husband and his girlfriend, we didn't get to see them do more than kiss, then he began to touch his shirt as if he was going to remove it, and the scene switched back to the hospital, where the doctor was being given some very good advice by an old nurse. Why, the only person who died in the entire movie was the man with cancer.

I was completely disgusted! No violence, no profanity, no sex, only one death! Just a wiccan doctor who turns to her Christian brother for advice when she finds out her neglected husband is having an affair because she's too busy avoiding her own pain by healing others to care about him. What kind of a movie is that? When I take my kids to the movies, I expect to see gore and the darkest side of humanity, not a drama about a woman trying to save her marriage. I demand that you start making your pictures as filthy as everyone else, or else I'm going to sue for emotional distress, for ten million dollars!

Signed,

Wade Andwallow Infilth.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Infilth,

We made The Wounded Healer for prime time on the Hallmark Channel. They required us to make a movie extremely limited violence, no sex, and no profanity. If you want that kind of "action," may I suggest HBO, Showtime, or Cinemax.

Sincerely,

Fred Rodgers, Holywood Films

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Dear Big Hill Hotel,

I went to your hotel in Dallas, TX. They said that their hotel was completely booked up. The hotel clerk muttered something about "football" and "Thanksgiving." Those were some poor excuses. We all know that football season ended two weeks ago with the Grey Cup. Also, Thanksgiving is the second Monday in October, not some Thursday in November. For some reason, that clerk is discriminating against us Canadians.

I demand that you let us stay in your hotels in Florida for the entire month of December, and you fire that bigot clerk.

Sincerely,

Ann Canuck

[cindybubbles]

Hey, y'all! Big Billy, owner of the Big Hill Hotel here!

Now what in tarnation are y'all yammerin' about? Ah don't know or care when you Canucks hold yer Thanksgivin' or football, but here in the good ol' US of A, we have ours in November! And we have good pecan pie, too!

Now, ah aint gonna fire mah wife for knowin' that! Y'all might wanna skip February, too; that's when we have our good ol' fashioned Super Bowl, and the hotel is packed to the hilt!

How about that, EH?

Big Billy

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Dear Mr Police Officer:

Since when is it illegal to drink on the street? It was just a bottle of Scotch, and I bought it with my hard-earned money! I wasn't even driving; I don't have a car, since you dolts stole it from me!

Sincerely,

The Town Drunk

[Tyg3rW01f]

Dear Otis,

It's been illegal since the 1800's to drink in public. By the way, you do know we leave the keys to your cell by the door for your convenience, right?

Signed,
A. Taylor
Duly Appointed Sheriff, Mayberry

P.S. Your car is awaiting your hard-earned money in the County Impound Yard.

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Dear Lapple Computers Inc.
The qPADD I purchased this past CyberMonday was not new! In fact it contained another person's ENTIRE life on it, contacts, schedule, EVERYTHING!!! I horrifiedly request you DO SOMETHING!

Officer S.
Sûreté du Québec aka SQ
((REAL LIFE Story HERE))

[catcul]

Dear Officer S.,

So that's where my qPADD went. One of our workers accidentally boxed up and sent it to your address. I will be picking up my qPADD and give you a fully loaded qPADD and US$200 for your troubles.

Thank you,

Bill Jobs, CEO Lapple Computers, Inc.

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Dear Elvin Forest Hotel,

I stayed in your hotel recently and noticed a beautiful and fully decorated Christmas tree in the lobby. I just love the scent of pine. I went to smell the tree. Imagine my horror when I found out that it was an artificial tree. I went to the manager and complained about the tree. He told me that putting a real tree there would be a fire hazard.

I demand that you take that abomination out and put in a real tree, or I'll show you how much of a fire hazard that fake thing really is.

Sincerely,

Fiera Grinchy