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Old 05-15-2020, 08:39 PM
Kristev's Avatar
Kristev Kristev is offline
Tarot-carrying novelist.
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: No longer on the streets and that's wonderful.
Posts: 3,863

Dear Mr. Tive,

Don't fret. Just wait in your rather distinctive car, and I and my friends will come over and help you. We'll be only too happy to take you where the F. B. I. can't find you, where the Mexican police can't find you, where even Dog the Bounty Hunter can't find you. In fact, where nobody can find you. Be prepared for a new life.


Mr. Hugh Man Trafficker.


Dear Mrs. Anne Trepeneur,

I am furious with your daughters, Minerva and Athena. Why am I angry at your teenage girl and her tween sister? Because when my home somehow caught on fire last night, and everyone in the neighborhood started gathering to watch the blaze, your daughters set up a lemonade stand and started selling lemonade! They made a fortune!

What brats! Not that I'm pleased with the community, either. Everyone watched my home burn down and not one of you could somehow manage to find your garden hoses. People were acting like my home burning was some kind of a block party! They had Bluetube livestreaming, with Belle Siren leading the community in a song of cheer and celebration!

It became a big party, and everyone came. Including Dr. Leona Pride and her Lionesses, as well as a couple of people from the Supermen and Wonder Women cleaning agency. And that creepy Dr. X from the asylum was there, too. Pizza delivery people from my favorite parlor, were also there reveling.

But it was your girls who made me so angry, selling lemonade and making a bundle. And they didn't even agree to give me any of the money! After all, it's me who is suffering here! As of last night, I am homeless!

All my fine things are gone! There's nothing left. It's all ashes! What am I supposed to do now? A lifetime of collections, burned to a crisp. Why, even a few mice and rats got burned up, too. No one was even willing to let me stay with them. Instead, they were having a block party!

I don't even know how my home caught on fire, only that it did, and it burned fast. And all my neighbors, all my friends, services I've had, in fact, just about everyone I know, was there celebrating.

"Your house has been a hazard to your neighbors for a long time," said Dr. Pride. "It was also condemned last week, so why are you still even living there? The Cult of Free Bees is less dangerous than your rat-infested house of hoarding."

The fire department showed up, but they did nothing until the fire began to spread to the Grayson house next door.

I'm so mad! I demand that you make your daughters give me the money they made selling lemonade at the block party! I also expect that you and the other neighbors find me a new place to live! The only reason I actually didn't end up sleeping on the literal street is because Dr. X invited, well, actually, he more like insisted, that I came to his asylum to be treated for a hoarding disorder. So at least I have a room and a bed, for a few days . . .

But I need a new home! And I want all my things restored! And I really, really want to know which one of you set that fire! On top of all that, I want the money your kids made, and another few thousand on top of that for my trouble, my trauma, my pain, and my suffering!

If you don't give it to me, and fast, when I get out of here, there's a few other houses in the neighborhood that could use a little fire. Shall I start with your home?

Angrily yours,

Mr. Tras. H. Keeper, now homeless and with none of my possessions, just a creepy doctor and a scary, pushy nurse who keeps threatening me.
Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

Last edited by Kristev; 05-16-2020 at 07:18 PM.
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