The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Bramble]

Dear Repentant,

No.


Sincerely,

Nota Chanceinhell

Dear Ice cream company,

Your mint chocolate chip ice cream does not have a good chip to mint ratio. I carefully counted out every chip and mint particle. This has permanently tramautised me. I demand free mint chocolate chip ice cream for life for my suffering.

Sincerely,

Igotta Brainfreeze

[Ashaela]

Dear Ms. Brainfreeze:

The chip-to-mint ratio provided in our mint chocolate chip ice cream is carefully determined by an elaborate computer program that takes into account the fluctuations in consumer taste buds, the cost of rice in China, and the phases of the moon as they relate to the dawning of the age of Aquarius. I can fully assure you that the pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream you selected at the grocery store was lovingly and painstakingly individually crafted to provide the maximum amount of appeal for your very own personal taste.

However, we at the Dairy Farm Conglomerate would never like it to be said that we are lacking in customer service. To that end, I have personally arranged for the delivery at 3:00AM this morning of one lifetime's supply of mint chocolate chip ice cream to your address. It seems you screamed at our delivery man when he rang the doorbell, so we instructed him to leave the ice cream in your backyard. I believe you will find it melting in the swimming pool.

Sincerely,
Karmasa Unowat
CEO of Dairy Farm Conglomerate


Dear Front End Manager:

I am APPALLED at the service I received last week at YOUR grocery store. YOUR cashier refused to scan my groceries, showing me a computer display on her stand that stated an ILLEGAL ACTION had been performed. I have never been so INSULTED in my life! I will have you know that I have been buying groceries from your store for 35 YEARS and have NEVER been accused of ANY CRIME, ever. Your cashier tried to backtrack and make EXCUSES by stating that I should use another checkout lane, but I KNOW she was just trying to make me go away so she could call the police. Is this how you treat LOYAL and UPSTANDING customers? I DEMAND that you call the police immediately and retract all negative statements your store has made about me. I also demand that you pay ALL my gasoline bills and travel expenses from now on as I will transferring my patronage to Rival Grocery Store 45 miles away and deserve to be compenstated for the inconvenience.

Signed,
Imnotta Krook

[Bramble]

Dear Mr. Krook,

We are very sorry to hear about your misfortune with time and space. Unfortuantly for you this location has only been open for 2 months. We suggest that you get back in your time machine and return to the future as we don't want you here. Have a wonderful day!

Sincerely,

Imon Toyou


Dear Weather station,

I am writing to complain that your meteorologist has declared that it will snow tomorrow. This is completely unacceptable as I have plans and wish for it to be warm and sunny. I demand that your meteorologist change the weather to suit my plans right away or be fired for life.

Sincerely,

Ihate Cold

[ralerin]

Dear Cold,

We have been recently informed that our meterologist is the son of Thor, Norwegian god of thunder. Unfortunately, the meterologist has had a falling out with his dad, something involving his son being a "pansy" and refusing to down a gallon of mead in five seconds, so there will be lightening flashes following that snowstorm, which in turn will be followed with a hail of locusts lasting approximately twenty days. There is nothing we can do since we cannot control the will of the gods.

Sincerely,

Cee Snow.

*

Dear Editor of Snake World,

When I was in line at Petmart's checkout getting treats for Fluffy, my chihuahua, I happened to see the picture of a giant rattlesnake on the cover of this month's issue! I immediately began to scream in fear and hyperventilate because I am afraid of rattlesnakes. How DARE you put your magazine so close to the checkout! I demand $10 million is cash delivered or I will personally call the BBB, Petmart's CEO, Petworld's CEO and your mother and force you to go out of business!

Love,

Madam Doofus.

[fireheart]

Dear Madam Doofus,

If you had bothered to look at the front cover, you would have seen that the magazine is about snakes. NOt about Fluffy. About snakes. Therefore you shall be getting nothing.

LOve,

Miss Managerwithabrain

Dear B.I.G. Supermarket,

I tried to enter your store with my four-year-old son 15 minutes before closing to do my weekly grocery shopping and discovered that the store was closed. When I tried to change my plan to state that I was only getting one thing, they complied, but when I tried to buy alcohol, the very rude girl behind the counter asked me for ID! How dare she ask me for ID? She could see that I had a kid and I even showed her my tattoo, but she still asked me for ID!

I want the clerks who told me that they were closed and the girl who asked me for ID fired, and I want gift cards in compensation.

Sincerely,

Miss. Imofagewithakid

[hinakiba777]

Miss. Imofagewithakid

Enclosed is a twenty dollar gift card to apologize for our store being closed early. This should not have happened. I know customer's often arrive at our store last minute, and the doors really should be unlocked until our official closing time. So for this I'm sorry.

However, we will not apologize for you getting carded. It is store, and provincial policy that if you look to be under the age of 25, you should be carded. That means if you look like you are 23, which is well over the legal again in any country you can buy alcohol, you will still get carded. That is how the system works. Deal with.

Moreover, there are plenty of 15 year old girls who already have children. And my son got a tatoo when he was 12, so that does not make you of age. For all the cashier knew, you were babysitting your younger brother.

It is illegal to sell alcohol to minors, and we are a corporation would rather have one angry customer than be shut down for illegal activity.

Enjoy your gift card;
Ms. Reese Nibble-Butsmart
Manager of B.I. G Supermarket
--------
Dear Cut Above the Rest Beauty Salon,

I would like to raise a complaint. The other day I went in to get my hair dyed. I requested it be done in ice blue with streaks of red, pink, and purple. I have to say, it actually looked really kick ass. I was very happy with the look.

That is however, until I got to work. It turns out that it is against my company's dress code to have hair that is an unnatural color. So i came back and told them I needed my hair back to it's natural color, a lovely wheat blond. The stylist REFUSED. of she gave some cock and bull story about how they couldn't undo the coloring. They could dye over, which might fry my hair, but it would have to be a color that would cover up the blue. She suggested I go brunette. I told her brunettes are whores, and she kicked me out of the salon.

I mean just because she is a slutty brunette herself gives her no right to treat me like that. I demand someone at your salon bring my hair back to it's natural color. If you are unable to do that, then I demand you find me a job to replace the one I will lose and give me free hair and spa treatments for life.

Ms. Van Itti

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Clearance Swamp (eh, why not?):

I was in your bathroom the other day smearing my feces all over the toilet, floor, and stall walls, because I have something wrong upstairs.

While I was doing this, my foot came down on a turd and I slipped and fell, hitting my head on the toilet and being knocked out cold.

Nobody came by to help me up or offer to help me fill out an accident report. When I came to, I was told I was banned from the store. This is unacceptable.

Don't bother with any gift cards or any crap like that. I'm suing you for everything you've got.

Regards,
Apu Pibat

(And it would not shock me at all if this really happened. We have us some oddballs.)

[ralerin]

Dear Ms. Van Itti,

From the perspective of being a brunette myself, I have to say blondes are bigger whores. We all here are laughing and cracking up dumb blonde jokes about c customer so clueless that she couldn't be bothered to read her own company's dress code. With hair your color, I'm certain you would make it in..ah...underground endeavours.

Wishing you the best,

Ms. Brun Ette

*

Dear Apu Pibat,

Please find enclosed the sweat encrusted clothing freshly off my employee's backs, as well as their pants, including the pennies, gum wrappers and pocket lint. That is quite literally "everything we've got" when we work at Clearance Swamp.

Sincerely,

Ms. Clarance Swampe.

***

Dear Owner of "Free Thinking Brides.org"

My name is Exo Tortonist and I am the lawyer representing Ms. Donna Darko for LeGowne.org, a website devoted to selling old vintage thrift store rags cut and sewn together and presenting them as genuine wedding gowns. My client was shocked and appalled when the members of your website "Imageen", "Huh?", "Penelope" and sundry others calle my client on the quality of her rags, the prices of her rags and for being a "scammer", even when my client created numerous accounts all citing positive reviews about LeGowne.org and flaming the members, even going so far as to say "You, Imageen, have become a bitter old woman after being a bride, I hope you enjoy your TV dinners and your twenty cats you bitter old bitch". The incident reached a peak when one member, "Lulageen" actually wished to return the gown she bought, citing "horrible quality and even more horrible customer service" when my client refused to stand by the quality of her work, instead citing that the gown must be "Lulageen" trying to scam my client out of $3200 plus the mandatory 50% restocking fee. My client is continually stressed out about the repeated harassment of your board members and wishes to sue both you and the members who harassed her for $20 million each, as well as the banning of those members and the closing down of your website.

Sincerely,

Exo Tortonist

Grabbe, Twiste, Balles, Ambulancer, Tortionist and Chaser Law Firms
Po Box 99 Hell, MI 66666.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Tortonist,

Multiple accounts are forbidden on our website. Therefore, Ms. Darko will be receiving a permanent ban.

Sincerely,

Free Thinking Brides Owner


Dear Craft Shop Manager,

I was letting my children run wild in the store while I shopped and one of the employees had the nerve to tell them to stop. I want this employee fired for telling my children what to do and a basket of free craft items or I will never shop at your store again.

Sincerely,

Wild Motherchild

[mikoyan29]

Dear Wild Motherchild,
The employees in question were fired because they were not following our company policy of beheading children running around the store. You may have noticed the heads on spikes as you entered the store. These are warnings that some actions come at a high price. Please be thankful that our employees were not doing the world a favor.

Sincerely,
Vlad Tepes



Dear Mr. Henry Meyer,
I was in your store doing my weekly shoplifting when one of your employees dared to stop me. They took me to the back room and told me to pay for the stuff or they would call the police. I have never been so insulted in my life. I will never shoplift at your store again.

[Bramble]

Dear Dude with no name,

Count yourself lucky you didn't 'trip' several time on the way to the back room as that is part of our policy. The employees in question will receive more training.

Sincerely, Stonecold Beatdown


Dear Chocolate company,

Your candy made me fat! I eat it every day and it's made me gain 100 pounds. I demand compensation for my pain and suffering or I will come and sit on you.

Sincerely, Twotun Heifer

[Sunsetsky]

Dear Ms. Heifer,

Please accept our sincerest apologies. To make up for your dissatisfaction we will be sending you a lifetime supply of chocolate.

Sincerely,
Chocolate Company Management


Dear Burger Palace,
Today I went to your resturant and ordered a prime rib. I was informed that you were a fast food place and did not carry prime ribs and that I would have to go to a steakhouse if I wanted a prime rib. This entire experience has upset me greatly and I demand that you start selling prime ribs and allow me to eat at your establishments for free forever.

Iha Teburgrz

[Lindsey]

Dear Teburgrz,

Go to a fucking steakhouse.

Sincerely, management.

--

To whoever it concerns at that Waldenbooks chain:

I bought The DaVinci Code like seven months ago and forgot about it. Yesterday I found it and tried to read it and I couldn't get past page 10. I want a new book!

Thankssssss,
OWMYHEAD

[XCashier]

Dear Owmyhead,

Enclosed is a copy of a book that I think will be right in your league.


Very sincerely,
I. Reed Allot, Manager, Waldenbooks

*****

Dear Highend Store Manager,

I went to your store to do some shopping, and brought my Darling Little Precious Angel along. Well, he got a little rambunctious as children do, and your nasty mean employee yelled at him! Imagine not letting a child climb shelves and play basketball with Faberge eggs! How can you be so cruel as to curb his creative urges!

Worse, you wanted me to pay for the merchandise he damaged! Imagine, charging several thousand dollars for a few silly jeweled eggs and other trinkets! I demand that you reverse the charges, give me a gift card for a million dollars and let my Little Darling act as he will in your store, or I'll sue you!

Sincerely,
Helena Handbasket

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Handbasket,

The reason my employee told your son not to play on the shelves is because he could've gotten hurt. Also, the items in our store are not for children to play with. We've decided not to reverse the charges and you are banned from the store until the full amount is paid. The payments are to be sent to the return address displayed on the front envelope.

Sincerely,

Store Manager


Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I sent my 12 year old daughter to the lottery line to cash my scratch offs while I waited in line to check out. The lottery employee had the nerve to tell my daughter that I needed to be there in order to have the tickets cashed. I had to step out of line and put my cart aside so I could get my tickets cashed. I want the lottery employee fired for being rude to my daughter and a $2,000 gift card to make up for the extra stop I had to make or I will never shop at your store again.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Lottery