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  • #31
    Who ever said that there was no sex on tv in the 1950's?

    Seriously! How many times have you heard June Cleaver coming down the stairs and saying "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

    I apologize for the fact that now none of you will be able to watch Leave it to Beaver the same way ever again!

    Mongo

    And for pitys sake...the kids name...Beaver Cleaver? What was he? A little prick?
    I never lost my faith in humanity. Can't lose what you never had right?

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    • #32
      This lady had a dog named Free Show. She wasn't very bright. One day she was in the shower and saw the dog from the window running out of the house, so without thinking she runs out of the house, running naked down the street screaming "FREE SHOW! FREE SHOW"

      *is too stunned she told this joke to actually duck*
      "If you are planning not to tip, please let your server know before ordering so they can decide whether or not to wait on you" - from an advice column I read some time ago

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      • #33
        There was a doctor who would get stressed at his job, doing what doctors do. And every day, after work, he would go see his friend, Dick, a bartender. And at this bar, Dick would always know that his doctor friend was coming, and would have an almond daquiri waiting for the doctor. And every day, the doctor would come in, have the drink, talk to Dick for a spell, and then go home.

        One day, Dick realizes he doesn't have any almonds. The only thing left is a hickory nut. Dick thinks, "Well, the doctor isn't going to notice." So he makes a daquiri with the hickory nut as best he can. So eventually, the doctor comes into the bar and takes a sip. He looks at Dick and says "Dick, is this an almond daquiri?"

        And Dick replies, "No. It's a hickory daquiri, Doc."
        "Oh, you hate your job? There's a club for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet down at the bar." ~Drew Carey

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        • #34
          Didja hear about the new breakfast cereal for impotent husbands?
          I's called Nut 'N Raisin Honey

          What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
          A happy pit bull

          Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted "I am Napolean!"
          "How do you know?" asked another inamte.
          "God told me!" said the first inmate.
          Another inamte then shouted, "I did NOT!"
          Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

          "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

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          • #35
            Q: Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?





            A: Fo Drizzle.


            *giggles to self, as she does everytime she tells this joke*
            "In the end I was the mean girl/or somebody's in between girl"~Neko Case

            “You don't need many words if you already know what you're talking about.” ~William Stafford

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            • #36
              Hahahha. Mys, you just reminded me of another I'd heard.....

              It was 50 Cent's birthday, and he was opening presents, and they were all great, but Eminem gave him one he'd never forget.

              He opens it up...and what do you know? It's a sweater, and do you know what Fitty Cent says?

              50: Gee, You Knit?

              *climbs down to bomb shelter*

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              • #37
                I don't get it...
                "Maybe the problem just went away...maybe it was the magical sniper fairy that comes and gives silenced hollow point rounds to people who don't eat their vegetables."

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                • #38
                  "G-Unit" - apparently the name of some person who takes larges amounts of money from people so he can tell them how good he is (see: rapper, con artist, politician).

                  Rapscallion

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                  • #39
                    *blink...blink...*

                    Okay...I see the joke and I get it but why would it be called G-Unit? Eh, never mind...

                    -Mysty, who can never get a whole joke because she can't stop analyzing it's parts...
                    "Maybe the problem just went away...maybe it was the magical sniper fairy that comes and gives silenced hollow point rounds to people who don't eat their vegetables."

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                    • #40
                      Quoth DarthRetard View Post

                      50: Gee, You Knit?
                      Quoth Rapscallion View Post
                      "G-Unit" - apparently the name of some person who takes larges amounts of money from people so he can tell them how good he is (see: rapper, con artist, politician).

                      Rapscallion
                      Quoth MystyGlyttyr View Post
                      *blink...blink...*

                      Okay...I see the joke and I get it but why would it be called G-Unit? Eh, never mind...
                      Gee, You Knit = G-Unit, which, if I remember correctly, is the name of a rap group that 50 cent created. Just your basic word pun.
                      Ba'al: I'm a god. Gods are all-knowing.

                      http://unrelatedcaptions.com/45147

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                      • #41
                        A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

                        A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A police spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."


                        A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

                        "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

                        "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

                        Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

                        "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

                        As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

                        "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

                        But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

                        Thank you folks, I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your waitress!

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                        • #42
                          Ya hear about the newfie family that froze at the drive in?

                          They were watching "CLOSED FOR THE SEASON"



                          Newfies: Newfoundland residents, known in the great white north for not being too brite. And I be half Newfie dere buoy so I don't wants to hear nobody saying nuting bad about dem dere fine peoples.
                          D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.
                          Quoth = Crossbow "EvilHomer, Irv, Gravekeeper, and Seraph: the Four Horsemen of the Dumbpocalypse."

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                          • #43
                            I'm guilty of this one....

                            GUy walks into my store, complaining about how this phone he bought from wal-mart didnt even have working parts... I couldnt resist.

                            "Sir, maybe it's a phony?"

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                            • #44
                              Some one-liners

                              A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road”.


                              A dyslexic man walks into a bra..


                              What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh!


                              I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything else, trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.


                              A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He said to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”.


                              A man entered the local newspaper’s pun contest. He sent in three different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


                              My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

                              Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

                              After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job and seamed more exciting than it was

                              Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

                              I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it so we parted.

                              Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just wasn't at home on the range

                              Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

                              My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

                              Mining was interesting, but then they gave me the shaft.

                              Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

                              I became a professional fisherman, but my net income was reel low

                              Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

                              I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

                              I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

                              So then I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

                              Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but there were too many undercurrents.

                              After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a history teacher until I realized there was no future in it.

                              My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind and the job had no perks.

                              So I retired and I found I am a perfect fit for the job!

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                              • #45
                                Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
                                A: He sold his soul to Santa.

                                Two fish in a tank. One said to the other, "How do we drive this thing?"

                                Two sausages in a frying pan. One said to the other, "Hot enough for you?" The other screamed, "Argh! A talking sausage!"

                                Q: What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
                                A: Popeye beat the sh*t out of him.


                                OK, I'll stop now. >_<
                                People who don't like cats were probably mice in an earlier life.
                                My DeviantArt.

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