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  • #16
    mary had a little lamb,
    it gambols round in hops.
    it went upon the road one day,
    and ended up as chops
    "...and you've got people. Billions of people walking about like happy meals with legs...." Spike

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    • #17
      Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
      Sometimes life is altered.
      Break from the ropes your hands are tied.
      Uneasy with confrontation.
      Won't turn out right. Can't turn out right

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      • #18
        What did the beaver say to his nosy neighbour?
        Mind your own dam business.
        <runs like hell>

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        • #19
          An Englishman, Irish man and a Scotsman walk into a bar. Bartender says
          "What is this, some kind of joke?"
          ludo ergo sum

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          • #20
            Two snare drums and a cymbal fall down a cliff. Ba Dum Chshhhh

            This isnt necessarily a tell-someone joke, it's something i like to do to customers. They come in and ask for rabbit ears (antennas), and I'll stop, look confused, thinking, touch my ears, and shake my head confused and say "Uhhhh....no.....HUuuuuuumaaaan."

            *puts on blindfold and smokes cigarette*

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            • #21
              Three old ladies sitting on a bench in a park. Suddenly, a young man rushes up to them and flashes them! The first old lady has a stroke! The second old lady has a stroke! The third old lady can't reach...
              The report button - not just for decoration

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              • #22
                Three hard-of-hearing old ladies are sitting on a park bench.

                "Windy, isn't it?" asks the first.

                "No, it's Thursday!" answers the second.

                "Me too," says the third, "Let's go get a drink!"
                Sometimes life is altered.
                Break from the ropes your hands are tied.
                Uneasy with confrontation.
                Won't turn out right. Can't turn out right

                Comment


                • #23
                  My groaner for the day....

                  You have two potatoes. How do you tell which one is the prostitute?













                  You look for the label that says "Idaho"!
                  Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

                  "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

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                  • #24
                    The credit for this one goes to monty python......

                    What's brown and like a bell?

                    Duuuuuuuuuuuung.

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                    • #25
                      Anybody hear the latest joke for psychics?

                      No?

                      Okay! Here it is:
                      Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

                      "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

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                      • #26
                        I had to name my pet pig Ink-

                        He kept running out of his pen
                        Honestly.... the image of that in my head made me go "AWESOME!"..... and then I remembered I am terribly strange.-Red dazes

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                        • #27
                          Oh yeah?!

                          My parents bought me a dog for protection once. He was a wonderful dog. One time when I got held up, he sat and watched. He was a watchdog.

                          Most people name their dogs something "Fido" or "Rover". I named my dog "sex".

                          One day I took Sex for a walk, and he ran away from me. I spent all day looking for him. A cop came up to me and asked me "What are you doing in this alley at 3:00 in the morning?"

                          I told him "I'm looking for Sex". That wasn't much fun to explain to the judge.

                          One day I went to get a license for my dog. I told the clerk "I'd like to get a license for Sex." He said, "I'd like to have one too!"

                          Then I told him "But this is the dog!" The clerk told me he didn't care how she looked.

                          I then said "But I've had Sex since I was three years old!"

                          When I got divorced from my wife, we went to court for custody of the dog. I told the Judge, "Your Honor, I had Sex before we were married!" He said "So did I!"

                          I then told him that after we married, Sex left me. He said "Me too!"

                          When I told him I once had Sex on TV, he said "Show-off!" I them told the Judge it was a contest, and he said I should have sold tickets.

                          I also told the judge that when we got married, on our honeymoon I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for my wife, and a special room for Sex. He told me "All our rooms are for sex!"

                          "But you don't understand!" I said to the clerk. "Sex keeps me awake at night!" He said "Me too!"

                          I give up.
                          Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

                          "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

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                          • #28
                            Did you hear about the two guys who robbed the calendar factory?


                            They each got six months!
                            Ba'al: I'm a god. Gods are all-knowing.

                            http://unrelatedcaptions.com/45147

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                            • #29
                              Omg am I wrong for loving these kind of jokes??
                              "I want to be a mongoose. Can I be a mongoose dog?"

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                              • #30
                                Two morons decided to go hunting for bears. They were walking along a road, when the road forked. At the fork was a sign that said "Bear left."

                                So they went home.
                                Sometimes life is altered.
                                Break from the ropes your hands are tied.
                                Uneasy with confrontation.
                                Won't turn out right. Can't turn out right

                                Comment

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