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  • Dear Mr. Boor,

    The planets you mentioned do not exist and you caused lots of physical and emotional damage. Therefore, you requests are denied and the ban stays in place.

    Sincerely,

    P. L. Anet
    Owner



    Dear Sewing Store Manager,

    Where does your rude employee get off telling you that she can't stay late? Doesn't she realize that her refusing to stay late makes the whole store look bad? I demand you force employees to stay late when needed or fire them. If you don't, I will sue the store.

    Sincerely,

    Mrs. Loyalcustomer
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    Comment


    • Dear Mrs. Loyalcustomer,

      You tried to enter our store after closing. Our employees need to get back to their families.

      Sincerely,

      Sew Cotton

      -----

      Dear Animal Control,

      How dare you ignore my complaints against my neighbors? I walked by their house and see a bobcat looking back at me. I decided to call you since I don't want a dangerous animal in my neighborhood.

      After the agent left their house empty handed, I confronted the agent. He muttered something about "Maine Coon." I don't care if that bobcat came from Maine, I want it out of my neighborhood before it gets loose and eats my dog.

      Sincerely,

      Stacey German-Shepherd
      This site proves Corey Taylor right. Man really is a "four letter word."

      I'm now using my Deviant Art page to post my humor.

      Comment


      • Dear Ms. Shepherd,

        I am the agent who investigated your claim. The feline in question is a Maine Coon Cat, a domestic cat. They do tend to be rather large, with fluffy fur that makes them look larger. But they are 100% domestic cat, and that cat belongs to your neighbors, and is a real sweetheart as well; he kept nuzzling my hands and purring loudly.

        You might try making friends with your neighbors and their cat; they really are lovely folks.

        Sincerely,
        Russ Sianblue
        Animal Control

        * * * * *

        Dear Bigbox Store,

        It's still August, why do you have Halloween merchandise out? And it's horrifying! I went to the shampoo aisle and walked past a witch, actually stirring a cauldron and cackling loudly. Naturally I screamed, as she was quite frightening.

        Your manager had the gall to tell me to calm down, telling me it was only an animatronic device and I was scaring the other customers. Well, you scared me!

        I demand $1,000,000 compensation for my pain and suffering, and for you to take down that foolish stuff and don't put it back up until Halloween itself!

        Sincerely,
        Lily Livered-Coward
        Last edited by XCashier; 08-30-2016, 02:11 AM. Reason: added link because hey, pretty kitties!
        I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
        My LiveJournal
        A page we can all agree with!

        Comment


        • Dear Ms. Coward,

          Customers have been requesting Halloween stuff earlier in the year so they don't have to wait until the last minute. As for your demands: denied.

          Sincerely,

          Olive Halloween
          Manager



          Dear Supermarket Manager,

          I went through the checkout and your rude checker had the nerve to ask me for a donation. Just so you know, donations are illegal since they go to charities that have scammers that hog all of the money for themselves. I demand you tell your employees to stop asking for donations at once. If you don't, I will hack into your system, take the money that was for donations out of the register, and post on Facebook that I will refund everyone that did a donation at your store.

          Sincerely,

          Ann T. Donation
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          Comment


          • Dear Miss Donation,

            Some charities do have fraud involved, but most of them don't. And donations are strictly voluntary. I could tell my employees to stop asking for donations, but I think I'd rather tell you that it's a very unwise idea to threaten to hack into my computer system and threaten theft, even if you do imagine yourself to be some kind of donation money Robin Hood. How would you even know who to refund the money to?

            So in closing, you are banned and the police have been notified.

            Sincerely,

            Miss Charity Fund,

            Precise Supermarket Manager.

            ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            Dear Connections Cable Company,

            I have a friend named Sharon Fairly. She lives in the same apartment complex I do and is a paying subscriber to your service. Well, I happen to have a signal splitter and used it to share her cable, because of a special event that I just had to see. You know what I'm talking about, the live broadcast of the promo concert for Rida Cule & The Correctors, and their new hit album, Shatter the Rock, where in they correct the biggest hits. I mean, you know it's good just from hearing the clips Rida and her band sings. Rock and Roll's Just Noise Pollution, I Love Myself For Hating You, Don't Start Believing, He Can't Give No Satisfaction, Feels Like the Worst Time, and so forth.

            Well, I couldn't afford the album, and I certainly couldn't afford the expensive ticket to go see the show, so I used a signal splitter to borrow Sharon's cable so that I could watch the concert on my own television.

            Trouble was, while I got the concert to come onto my television, the signal on my television got weak. It was awful and it ruined the concert for me, but I was trying to make the best of it as the screen and sound flickered. Suddenly, Sharon calls me up on the phone in the middle of the concert to tell me that the cable company just called her about a signal splitter, and have tracked it to my house! So she has to remove the signal splitter, and she does, instantly cutting me off in the middle of the concert! Just because I didn't ask her permission. She shares with everyone in the apartment complex. Why should she get so hot and bothered about sharing her cable with me, just for one . . . night. Yes, just for one night.

            You ruined the concert for me! How could you? How will I ever get to enjoy the music? I'm outraged!

            I demand a lifetime of free cable from your company, as well as a full apology to me. And I also want a million dollars and a free dvd of the concert! Or else, could you get Rida and her band to come play at my house? That'd be great.

            If you won't, I will go around cutting the wires to your service everywhere I can find it so nobody can use your services! If I can't have you, no one can!

            Signed,

            Miss Mimi Anne Mia Lone.
            Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

            Comment


            • Dear Miss Lone,

              You need permission to use a signal splitter to access someone's cable which you did not have. Therefore, your requests are denied and if you cut our service wires, the police will be contacted.

              Sincerely,

              C. Able
              Manager



              Dear Music Store Manager,

              I came to return an opened DVD because I didn't like the movie and your rude employee told me that I could only exchange it for the same title if it was defective. When she refused the return, I shoved a nearby display to the ground and then started throwing items while screaming at the top of my lungs until your rude security escorted me out. I demand you fire the rude employee and your security guards and refund me for any DVDs I don't like. If you don't, I will come to your store wearing nothing.

              Sincerely,

              Mrs. Tantrum
              Last edited by purplecat41877; 09-07-2016, 02:32 AM.
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              • Dear Mrs. Tantrum,

                It's against store policy to return opened DVDs and enclosed is a bill for the damage you caused. You are banned until the bill is fully paid and you will be arrested if you show up wearing nothing.

                Sincerely,

                N. Otemaker
                Manager



                Dear Bank Manager,

                You had no right to fire me and have me arrested! All I did was enter the invoices for amounts divisible by $100, cash the remaining amount, and put it in my purse. I demand you drop the charges and give me my job back. If you don't, I will smash both your inside and outside windows with a sledgehammer.

                Sincerely,

                E. M. Bezzler
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                Comment


                • Dear E. M. Bezzler:

                  What you've done is, in fact, against the law. Go ahead and smash the windows if you want additional charges filed. To make up for the money you've stolen, we've withheld your last paycheck, too. The police will be contacting you.

                  Sincerely,

                  B. Ank President

                  ------------------

                  Dear Store Owner:

                  I am a highly sophisticated individual who does not appreciate your establishment, and what you sell. I made the mistake of entering your store a week ago. What sort of establishment are you running!? I couldn't believe the people I saw in there! They had these strange accents, where they dropped the "g" off of the ends of many words, and used what appeared to be some low form of English. They did not seem intelligent at all! They appear to be what I've come to know as the "Redneck". I've never seen individuals like this, and I am appalled and disgusted by them. They obviously don't know how to dress properly or listen to the right kinds of music the right way either! Your establishment is also highly inappropriate. What is this "camouflage" stuff, anyway, and why are you selling so much of it? And who actually drinks domestic beer made by big corporations? Everybody knows that people should only drink microbrew beer or imported beer, but only if it's imported from a country that my friends and I think produces acceptable beer!

                  I cannot believe that you banned me from your establishment! All I did was ridicule the morons in there who aren't as cool as I am. Especially with the weird, non-cool clothes they were wearing! And I can't help it your beer is horrible! That's why I had to start breaking all of the bottles and damaging the cans! Your beer selection is disgusting! You should thank me!

                  I demand that you let me come into your store whenever I want and teach the people who go there how to dress and how to talk! Otherwise, I will spread rumors about you to my social circle and to all of my online associates.

                  Not Respectfully,

                  Hipster D. Ouchebro
                  Last edited by mjr; 10-06-2016, 01:41 PM.
                  Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

                  Comment


                  • Dear Mr. Ouchebro,

                    Our locals happens to enjoy the merchandise I sell and this is how we speak in Brooklyn. Since you are banned, I hope to never see you again.

                    W. Elcometobrooklyn
                    Owner



                    Dear Comic Book Regional Manager,

                    You had no right to fire me just because I made my employees do all the work and I did none because my job is to only tell my employees what to do. Don't you also realize that managers can't be fired? I demand my job back immediately with a $2000 check every month in addition to my weekly paycheck. If you don't, I will call the police and report you for firing me since firing managers is illegal.

                    Sincerely,

                    Ida Manager
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                    Comment


                    • Dear Miss Manager,

                      You were in breach of contract, and therefore we were able to find a loophole to fire you with. You had received your severance pay. You can report us to the police if you like, but it's not going to get you anywhere you'd like to be, since we've found evidence of theft.

                      Sincerely,

                      Mr. Com Petent,

                      Cosmic Books Regional Manager.

                      ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                      Dear Cryptonite Cookies,

                      Everyone knows that your cookies are so addictive that nobody walks away with eating just one. They're everybody's weakness.

                      Well, at your place, for the big comic book festival around the block from your establishment, your assistant manager sponsored a Wonderful Woman look alike contest, judged by the actress who first played her on television. Whomever most looked like Wonderful Woman would be the winner. And so I entered, as did about a dozen other ladies.

                      It was fantastic, and we were all looked at by the men, who dressed up in superhero costumes. That is, we all were except for one fat woman who looked awful in her Wonderful Woman costume. She couldn't possibly win, especially since everyone agreed I was the most beautiful lady in the room and that my costume was the best. Her costume looked horrid on her, not that her body wasn't exact revolting enough. I even told her, as did a couple of the other women, that she was too ugly to look at. Some of the other women argued with us that, maybe she wasn't beautiful, but she had as much right to compete as anyone. Only then did we learn she was not competing.

                      The actress herself went up to her and asked her if she was really not competing, and she said she was not, just that she was wearing the costume because her nephew asked her to come with him to the festival so he could go, and you had to be in costume to go to the festival.

                      It was at that point that one of the men in a superhero costume told the actress that he knew that woman. At the festival, she had saved a boy from choking while his parents paid no attention. He also knew that she had helped him when he had a homeless period in his life, as she was a volunteer there. On top of that, she worked with a program teaching children to read on weekends.

                      After spending her time with the rest of us, the actress made her choice. She decided that the fat woman was the winner, because, and I quote the actress, "I dare say that while all of you have the looks, none of you have the spirit of Wonderful Woman. She was at her best when she was not flashy, but helping in subtle ways. And no one here better exemplifies the soul of Wonderful Woman better than her."

                      As the fat woman tried to protest that she was not even in the contest at all, the actress would not hear of it and insisted on giving her the award, to the delight of the man in the superhero costume and the woman's nephew, who arrived later.

                      The rest of us were divided. Half of us were angry with the actress because we did our best to look perfect. I'd even primped for a solid week! The other half decided that the actress was right and congratulated the fat woman. Eventually, it all calmed down.

                      But I did not. How dare that actress stiff me like that? I ran after the fat woman, trying to take her award and her crown, throwing cutlery at her to get her to slow down. The next thing I know, the actress deflects the cutlery, protects the fat woman, and wrestles me to the ground.

                      "You miss the whole point, don't you?" she asked me. "I know exactly what to do with you." And before I know it, she's stripped off my Wonderful Woman costume and replaced it with a Bratwoman costume. Then she ties me up. Everyone applauds, and she says "I thank you all. This was a great show." And then she looks at me and whispers in my ear. "At least, it better have been a show, punk."

                      Nobody ever unties me. Instead, the actress takes the woman and the nephew out for the afternoon, much to everyone's surprise.

                      I demand a million dollars in compensation, that the actress be forced to give me the crown and the award, and an apology, and that I be given a movie deal. And if I don't get it, I'll just emulate Bratwoman. After all, she almost took over the country if it hadn't been for Wonderful Woman. Why can't I?

                      Signed,

                      Miss Fahirrys Foul.
                      Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

                      Comment


                      • Dear Miss Foul,

                        The actress made the right decision and you won't be getting any awards or money. However, we are having auditions for Bratwoman if you want to try out.

                        Sincerely,

                        W. Onderful
                        Creator



                        Dear Orchestra Manager,

                        Where do you get off rejecting me? All I did was play my violin as loud as possible. I demand you let me join. If you don't, I will show up at your next performance wearing nothing and run back and forth across the stage.

                        Sincerely,

                        Mrs. Violin
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                        Comment


                        • Dear Mrs. Violin:

                          Yes, we rejected you. I'm happy that you correctly identified the instrument as a "violin", and yes you were "playing" it loudly. But it sounds to me like it's the very first time you've ever picked up a violin. So no, we will not let you join our esteemed Orchestra.

                          As to wearing nothing and running across the stage: We are an orchestra, not a comedy show. And "streaking" is illegal in most places. Doing so will get you introduced to some nice individuals in blue. They have these pretty silver bracelets.

                          So your empty threats mean nothing to myself or my orchestra.

                          We hope to not see you at our future performances.

                          F. Inemusic.
                          Orchestra Manager

                          ------------

                          Dear Football Team Owner:

                          Your coach sucks! I can't believe we lost the most recent game to the City Mascots! If I were coach, the team would have won that game easily! I have been coaching Pee Wee football for 10 years, and I have never, ever lost a game, so I know what I'm talking about!

                          Because I am a winner and your coach is not, you need to hire me as your coach and pay me $20 million a year! Yes, your coach is a former State Champion, NCAA National Champion, and 2 time Super Bowl winner, but he sucks as a coach, and I've never played football above High School, I still know what I'm talking about, and your coach is still a loser!

                          If you don't hire me, I will break into the practice facility and I will steal all the footballs, and replace them with Nerf footballs. Then I will tell BigSportsNetwork that your coach is a terrible coach because you're not practicing with real footballs!

                          Do the right thing!

                          W. Annabe Coach
                          10-time Pee-Wee League Champion
                          Last edited by mjr; 10-18-2016, 12:57 PM.
                          Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

                          Comment


                          • Dear Mr. Coach,

                            You coach a team of children and these are a team of adults. If you break into our facility, we will press charges.

                            Al Waysafirsttime
                            Coach



                            Dear Office Manager,

                            Where do you get off allowing employees to talk on the phone in their native language during lunch/break time? I can't understand what they're saying. I demand you tell these employees to speak English only. If you don't, I will come to the office wearing nothing for two weeks.

                            Sincerely,

                            Wanda Eavesdrop
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                            Comment


                            • Dear Ms. Eavesdrop,

                              Where do you get off trying to listen in on other people's conversations? I can't understand what you think I can do about my employees on their lunch breaks and their off hours. And since you dress so skimpily, if you did wear nothing, we'd never know the difference.

                              Sincerely,

                              Mr. Pry Vassy,

                              Office Manager

                              Dear Aquamarine Beach Resorts,

                              We went to your resort with our children, only to have child protective services take our son away! All we did was get on the beach and spend all of our time together being intimate. We're married. We have the right to be romantic all the time. Why shouldn't our son have chance to play at the ocean, and we to have our lovemaking time. Apparently, some busybody Brit seized our son from the water and brought him to the lifeguard.

                              She interrupted our passionate kissing by screaming at us. That lunatic was livid with us because she claimed she saved our child while she was fishing on her boat, because he had started to feel too hot and decided to swim, only to swim past the marker and get caught in a rip tide. "He would have drowned if I hadn't felt a strong compulsion for fried fish that day, not to mention the beginning symptoms of heat stroke."

                              Then she, the lifeguard, and the cops all gathered around us. Next thing my wife and I know, our kid is being taken, first to the hospital, then into protective custody. And we're being sent to jail for reckless endangerment and negligence!

                              We demand our child be returned and full compensation made! Give us a full refund for our trip! Plus an extra billion dollars for our pain and suffering! If you don't give us everything we demand, we're going to invite all the kids from our church's youth group and flood your beach with those kids.

                              Signed,

                              Mr. & Mrs. C. Sless-Trysts.
                              Last edited by Kristev; 10-24-2016, 10:02 AM.
                              Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

                              Comment


                              • Dear Mr. & Mrs. C. Sless-Trysts,

                                It was a good thing that the woman in the boat came by. Your son almost drowned as you were busy making more babies. Not only will your children become wards of the court, but we will pursue criminal charges.

                                Sincerely,

                                Ree Fresh, Police Chief

                                -----

                                Dear Paper Trail Book Store,

                                Yesterday, a customer commented on how the cashier was pregnant. She said that she was hoping to give birth to a velociraptor.

                                I know what you're up to. Your book store is a front for human-dinosaur experimentations. I will find irrefutable proof of your unethical behavior. Your day of reckoning is coming.

                                Sincerely,

                                Pare A. Noid
                                This site proves Corey Taylor right. Man really is a "four letter word."

                                I'm now using my Deviant Art page to post my humor.

                                Comment

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