Just some ramblings
I'm bored at work, so I thought I'd just type a post to pass the time and also to say "good morning" to the fine folks here @ CS!
Just recently, I finally made a decision as to what my next step is going to be. I'm almost done with my degree in chemical dependency counseling. If all goes well, I will be graduating after the winter quarter (sometime in February or March of '09). I know that I want to continue my education and my ultimate educational goal is Psychiatry. That's not quite a direct path. I mean, it is, but there is a lot of steps to take. Here, where I live now, I see a clear path to that goal. However, I had it in my head that I needed to leave this state to continue my education. So, I had been stressing out for quite some time about where to move and what school will I start out at and where would I live (campus, off campus) etc - what would be my next move after I move...just stress, stress, stress.
I took sometime to examine my motives for wanting to leave. I asked myself, "why do I want to pick up and go some place uncertain when I see a clear path here?" So, there had to be some underlying reason that I felt as if I had to get the hell out of dodge. After an honest assessment, I realized I wanted to move because of a certain situation in my life with someone I have very strong feelings for. To put it bluntly, I'm in love with my best friend. However, the timing is not right for any relationship. He is not ready and, even though I think I'm ready, honestly, I am not. Regardless, I've been pretty heartbroken at times over the situation. So, the real reason I wanted to leave was to get away from the entire situation. Rather than put on my big girl panties and learn how to cope and move on - I was figuring I'd just really move on right out of state. That oughta fix it, right? No, it wouldn't. I would be heartbroken, in a new state, needing to make new friends, with all my family and support network miles away.
So, I made a decision that this is where I need to stay. As soon as I told myself that, I picked up the phone and officially declared my degree plan in Associates of Science - pre-med at the school I'm currently attending. I then made a few phone calls to find out what else I needed to do and was informed that the associates is a start, I also have to get a bachelors and when I have those two things, I can apply at the medical school here. So, I'll start on the associates and then apply for admission to UNO and start working on a bachelor's in Psychology. I will be very busy, but I have my eye on a prize and once I made the decision to stop farting around and take a step in A direction, a lot of stress was lifted from me. Go figure.
So, that's what's new with me. I hate to say that I don't know if it will all pan out for me because I HATE, REALLY REALLY HATE math and science. All I can do is give it my best shot. If it doesn't work out - at least I tried, right. However, I'm trying to reframe my thinking and get out of the "just try it" frame of mind to "just do it!".
As far as the being in love with my best friend situation. It will redefine itself over time. I don't want to lose the person as a friend, but as I go off on this new path, it will fall into place as it should and how it should.
It's all about faith. Faith and gratitude.
"I'm still walking, so I'm sure that I can dance!" from Saint of Circumstance - Grateful Dead